Hockey and Juice

I went to a hockey game last night. My mom got two tickets as a thank you from a dentist she refers patients to, and gave them to me. The seats were excellent... right behind the goal in the third row. Now, I don't know much about hockey (or really anything at all) but let me tell you that this is the only way to watch a hockey game. You can actually see what's going on, players hit the glass right in front of you, and also sometimes hit each other right in front of you! It's just a really fun experience. But here's the real reason I wanted to go in the first place...

I happen to know that a lot of the guys I played softball with last summer work events at the arena to raise money. This obviously would include Juice (you can read about him in the archives, starting at the end of last October... there were way too many posts about him to figure out how best to get the background info out there if you don't already know). I did not know for sure if he would be there last night... I just knew that it would be my best opportunity to possibly see him. So I went.

I can't lie. I still think about him all the time. Hmm, maybe not all the time... but at least once a day, a song will remind me of him or something. Usually I just roll with it and move on. But I do still miss him. I still wish he was in my life. I still don't understand why he isn't. I still want him as a friend if it can't be anything more than that. But it wasn't until I saw him last night that I realized how much these things were true. I saw him, and my heart dropped.

We interacted a couple of times and things were as great as usual between us, considering I hadn't seen him or heard from him in about 3 months. (BTW, has it really already been 3 months since I last saw him? Flipping crazy.) I won't get into all the details of he said this and then I said this and then he said... it was all just friendly banter and discussing playing softball again this summer (which he does claim he's going to do, we'll see). And then when I went and said goodbye to him, he told me he would call me "sometime next week." Again, we'll see. I know from past experience that he won't. There's maybe a 5% chance of him actually calling. (Because I like making up odds).

And yet, the naive girl in me still wants to believe. She will hold out hope that I will get a call from him. She will do her best each day to keep from thinking about him, but when she goes to bed at night, she will be sad that once again, her phone didn't ring where his voice was on the other end. The adult woman knows that I should put him out of my mind and not think about him again. Because then she won't hurt when he doesn't call. She won't have her hopes up.

I tell myself that I'm not waiting for him. That I just haven't found anyone else to occupy my time. But maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Maybe I'm unconsciously waiting. Maybe I need to get back onto eHarmony and meet guys there. At least then there's potential to meet others who might help me stop wishing Juice was the one.

Happy Belated V-Day...

... or as I was calling it "I'm So Happy I'm Single" Day. Which I wasn't really, but I'm trying to take a more positive approach to things. Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day? I actually found myself more distraught about being alone on Friday... which may have just been because I knew I wasn't doing anything the next day, so when plans also didn't formulate on Friday? I got a little down.

Valentine's Day for me brought me candy (chocolate and mallo creams that I bought myself and conversation hearts from my parents), 2 bottles of champagne, and an interesting horoscope. Yes, you read that correctly... 2 bottles of champagne. And since I've already said that I didn't have plans for the day, you can correctly infer that I did the damage to those 2 bottles all by myself. Which I normally would be horrified by, but I'm not. I think because I was in positive mood and I wasn't drinking to drink away my sorrows. Plus, I hadn't had anything to drink for about 3 weeks prior... so don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic! And the first one I opened, I struggled with, trying for about 5 minutes to get it opened. When it finally did, well let's just say I ended up wearing a lot of it... on my clothes, on my face, in my hair. And a good bit more ended up on the floor and, as I discovered yesterday, on my wall. So yeah. It clearly wasn't exactly 2 full bottles.

Anyway, so this horoscope. Let me preface this by saying that I don't normally read my horoscope. I think it's fun, but not something I seek out. I don't read too much into them because, well let's face it, most of them can be applied to anyone. But there I was, before the champagne drinking commenced, checking my email on Yahoo. They had an headline about your love horoscope for the day. I figured, what the hell, this could be good for a laugh. I was surprised, to say the least, when it told me, in practically these words to: get all dressed up, head to a hot nightspot by myself, pick out the hottest guy in the place, and have a one night stand with him.

Umm...? What kind of horoscope tells someone to do that?! Hilarious. Granted it also said that the one night stand could lead to something more, but I'm pretty sure it was quite okay with things if it didn't. Needless to say I did not follow my horoscope, although it might make for an interesting pick-up line to try sometime. Also, go me for not texting any exes after drinking that night! Anyone else have fun stories from the day?

Update: Grammys and Introducing Dr. H

So I want to first say that when I wrote my Grammys post yesterday, I obviously did not have all the details about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. When I first heard about the domestic altercation, I assumed it was Rhianna, but no reports specifically said that, so I figured it must have been someone else and that Rhianna didn't go to the Grammys to be supportive of her boyfriend. Now that other details have come out saying that it was indeed Rhianna, I feel like some people may take what I wrote yesterday to be bitchy or whatever. I hope she's okay and I hope for the best with Chris Brown as well. And when I said "alleged assault" (or whatever I said... I know the word alleged, or allegedly was in there somewhere) it was just because of that whole innocent until proven guilty thing... not because I was trying to defend him or say that I didn't believe he did it. Okay... I feel better now...

So as many of you know, I work with my mom. Yesterday she was talking to my dad on the phone when S came to tell me she was taking a quick break and so I headed out with her. I come back from that to be told that my dad wants me to call him because he wants to talk about rappers. Umm... what? So now, for your reading pleasure, is the conversation that ensued with my dad (edited for length).

Dad: I watched the Grammys last night and had a questions about rappers.

Me: Okay, what's your question?

Dad: Well, Lil' Wayne won. And he was also performing. But all rap sounds the same to me, so why did he win? What makes him better than the rest of the rappers?

Me: Well, he had a good album. His beats and lyrics are good. Plus he was performing a tribute to New Orleans, which is where he's from.

Dad: Well I couldn't understand half of what he said. Do you think I'd understand more if I listened to more rap.

Me: You mean any rap?

Dad: Well yeah.

Me: Maybe. You should have seen the performance where 4 rappers performed together. Then you'd at least be able to compare them.

Dad: Yeah that would've been good. Which rappers performed together?

Me: Let's see... there was TI, Lil' Wayne, Jay-Z, and Kanye West.

Dad: Oh wow. That would have been great.

Me: Well your birthday's coming up. Do you want me to get you some rap CDs?

Dad: Umm... I don't think so.

Me: I have a Kanye West CD already. Do you wanna borrow it?

Dad: Oh that might be good. Or I could get some on my iPod from iTunes.

Me: Okay. Don't worry, Dad, I'll get you all hooked up with some rap.

Dad: Good. That way I can start rapping with the homies.

S and I later decided his rap name would be Dr. H. Oh, yeah. And that birthday he's got coming up? He'll be turning 60.

Grammys

Okay, so first off I started writing a post last Thursday while I was waiting for a patient (or maybe it was Friday...). Anyway, the patient got here before I finished the post and I never got back to it. And I don't think I'm feeling the same way as I was then, so I'm probably not gonna get back to it. But I didn't want you to think I had been truly gone all week. Now, to the topic at hand...

Did you watch the Grammys last night? Thoughts, anyone? The Grammys are really the only award show I watch. I often haven't seen most, if any, of the movies up for Oscars (or Golden Globes) so I don't have much interest there. And with the Emmys, yeah I may watch some of the shows, but not all of them, and so again I have little interest. But since I like a wide variety of music, I find that I usually know most, if not all, of the songs that are nominated. Plus, it gives me a good excuse to dance around my living room and act a fool during the performances. Here are my thoughts...

• MIA performed on the day she was due to give birth?! Insane!! now, I've never been pregnant, but from what I hear by the time you're 9 months along, you don't generally want to move. Let alone get onstage and perform in front of millions. I think this may make me like her a little more. Or maybe not... I can't really decide. Something about it also sorta horrifies me.
• Blink-182 announced they are getting back together. This? Makes me so happy. Now I realize, Blink is pretty much a punk band and their songs usually have little to no actual substance. But I have loved them (mostly due to my absolute infatuation with the drummer Travis Barker... and if that doesn't prove I have an affinity for bad boys, I don't know what will) forever. Plus, when a song of theirs does then have a deeper meaning it makes it all the better. I literally screamed like a 13 year old girl when they made their announcement.
• I was sad that Chris Brown and Rhianna weren't there because of the whole Chris alledgedly assaulting someone. I think I've mentioned my love of Chris here before. His songs always make me wanna dance. Anyway, I was however not too upset that Rhianna therefore wasn't able to perform. I like her music usually, but she was gonna sing "Disturbia" which I really don't like and think it's overplayed.
• I was pleasantly surprised that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss won so many awards. While I will admit that I only know one song of their collaboration, I find the pairing to be really unique. Plus, they beat Coldplay, who I like alright, but generally don't get the hype surrounding them.
• I liked all the unique pairings throughout the night. I always find it entertaining when two musicians who you'd never think would be together, perform together. I was trying to think of a favorite, but can't. Maybe cuz my brain is slightly not working this afternoon and can't think of many of them.

Okay, that's it. Anyone else have anything to share?

Grumpy

I didn't wake up this morning feeling grumpy. But my mood has taken a turn for the worse practically from the moment I actually got out of bed. Now, I understand that all the "reasons" I'm feeling grumpy are stupid. What are those reasons? Let's see....

• I gained some weight back. Not all of it, obviously. But enough to make me feel annoyed. i understand that your weight can fluctuate, even within a day as much as 2 pounds. Let's just say it was more than that. And I've been continuing to eat well and exercise, so it pisses me off. Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm gaining muscle, which weighs more than fat. Well, whatever... I don't care why I gained it back. I'm just pissy that it came back at all.
• Running this morning sucked. It usually sucks, but I manage to make it through. I don't run fast (only 5 mph, which most people would call jogging. I call it running because it makes me feel more accomplished) and am up to running 1 and 1/4 miles continuously (which also doesn't sound like much, but I'm not a runner, so it's a lot for me). I've been doing that for almost 2 weeks, and have been fine with it. Today, getting that last lap in about killed me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hated it. Just when I think I'm making some headway in the running, this happens and makes me not ever want to run again.
• Today (I'm pretty sure) is Juice's birthday. Now generally, he no longer affects my life on a daily basis. I'll think about him now and then, and miss him, but I move on. That's what I have to do. But of course, since it's his bday, I'm thinking about him more today than normal. Which makes me miss him even more. Or at least makes me miss having someone even more. And, since I'm a nice caring person (or maybe a glutton for punishment) I called him this morning to wish him a happy bday. Of course I got no answer and haven't heard back from him. I'm sure I won't.
• At lunch today, I heard a song that I played over and over again when The Reason and I broke up. It always made me cry and at that time, that's what I needed. Hearing it just made those feelings and that time come rushing back. And the lyrics still apply. Or at least the ones that applied back then, still apply. (In case you're wondering, the song is "Comfortable" by John Mayer).
• There was part of my that really hoped all my patients for the day would cancel. We had a huge snow storm here yesterday. I think I got about a foot at my house, and we're still in a level 2 snow emergency, which means don't drive unless you have to. None of my patients are ones that couldn't have waited a week to come in for their visit. Yet, none of them have cancelled. Their school is cancelled and yet they still feel the need to come in?! Fine. (I know I'm just being selfish and want another snow day, but I'm allowed).

I think that's all for now. So if anyone has something that would make me laugh, or just smile, today would be the day to share. I need something to try and pick my spirits back up.

Thank You Facebook

One of my resolutions should ahve been to get back to posting more regularly! I apologize for being so MIA, but you'll be glad to know that I've already smacked myself upside the head and told myself to get with the program! (Okay, not really, but it was a good visual). I just haven't had much to blog about lately. My life is good. I'm working out and eating well (already lost 12 pounds, which is insane if you ask me). Work is fine. No drama going on in my life. No men to worry about. All in all, I would give things a B+.

So Facebook, good ol' Facebook, decided to inform me a few days ago that The Reason went from being listed as "in a relationship" to being listed as "single." I'll admit that the first thought that went through my mind was, "Really?! Wow, that makes me happy." And then I immediately felt bad about being happy that his relationship ended. I don't want him back. I want him to have a good life and find someone to love who will love him as much as I did. But that's not me. So why would I be happy about it? I guess it goes back to not wanting his life to be better than mine. And I don't know if it is. But you know how it is when a relationship ends... you want to be the one to move on first. The one to begin a new relationship first. The one to not care about the other person or what they are doing, because you have more important things and people to care about. (Or maybe that's just me...)

And then I got to missing him. What?! I know! I thought I just said how I don't want him back. Which I don't. But looking at his Facebook page, seeing him, wanting to talk to him... it all came flooding back briefly. It made me momentarily indeed want him back.

But then I got to thinking about it. I realized that there are guys that I've dated (especially recently it seems) who I always think "I want him back" when I see them, or see something that reminds me of them, or think about them too much. And I know it's not actually them that I miss. It's not The Reason. It's not the Young Ex. It's not Juice. They are not who I miss. I miss having someone. I miss all the fun of being in a relationship. All the newness and butterflies. Having someone to go to sporting events or concerts or on vacations with. Someone to just lay around with on the weekend when you don't feel like going out. Someone who wants you as much as you want them.

So I think I'm finally past all the bs that came from the break-up with The Reason. The looking desperately for someone new just to prove I don't want him anymore. I actually don't want him anymore. I wish him well. But I'm ready for a new relationship. I'm not gonna go crazy if I don't find one. I'm not going to desperately seek one out. I'm just going to be open, really open, to the possibility of having one. So I suppose I should say, "Thank you, Facebook!" You made me open my eyes to the reality that I really am happy.

Resolutions, NYE, and Fever

Wow, it has been some time since I've managed to get on here and write. I apologize. You've probably all abandoned me, which I wouldn't blame you for. I haven't written a New Year's resolution post, which I fully intended to do (if only to make me more accountable). I haven't even told you about the night that was my NYE. I haven't blogged about the fever I've recently gotten, and I don't mean the sick-type of fever. So, without further ado, I will (try) and do a quick recap of all of these things.

1.) Resolutions: Okay so every year I make resolutions. I generally stick with them for a while and then get tired of them and/or forget and just quietly slip back into my normal life. I decided this year, I should be more specific about my resolutions, in an effort to focus more on the goals I want to obtain.

• Lose 30 pounds - each year I say I want to lose weight and be more healthy. But putting a number on it gives me goals to shoot for. I gained about 10 pounds at the end of last year, after my high school reunion. So I want to take that back off and then some. I've been keeping track of what I eat and working out at least some every day. And I'm down 3.6 pounds so far (although I'm pretty sure the baked potato with cheese and bacon I had for lunch today is not going to help that at all. I sometimes wish we didn't have drug reps bring us lunch, it's just too tempting! And I have NO willpower).
• Pay off 2 credit cards - I was pretty damaging to myself in college. Credit cards meant getting to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't worry about having to pay them off. I realize this is the worst thing I probably could have done because I am now attempting to get out of debt, which is tough! I have 7(!) credit cards. One is completely paid off and has been for about a year now (go me!) and four of them only had limits of around $1000, so it's the other two that are gonna be the biggest problem. I'm not at my limit on any of them or anything, but I definitely need to make paying off this debt a priority.
• Read 26 books - That's a book every two weeks. I read a lot anyway (every night before I go to bed) but this will get me keeping track of how much I really do read. No real reason for wanting to read more though. Just cuz.
• Take more pictures - Okay so this doesn't have a number or quantity to it, but in the past I haven't taken a lot of pictures. Really only on big events or vacations. I want to take more of just everyday and family events. I think after my grandpa died it really made it more apparent that you have to appreciate the times you have with the people you love. And capturing those times in pictures is a good way to keep their memory alive.

2.) NYE - Let's just say it was eventful. If you recall, S got engaged a month or so ago after only dating the guy for a month. Because it's her life, I won't give the details here, but she basically decided that she didn't want to be with him anymore and broke up with him (okay technically not until Jan.1, but as of NYE, he knew it was coming). So she, our friend J, and I went out to a bar (with S's high school ex, and to a bar where my young ex was working. oh yeah, and her ex and my young ex? They're brothers... that's a whole other fun story). Anywa, you may recall that J was dating someone and moved to a different state to be with him. Well she moved back on Thanksgiving after him treating her like shit for about 5 months. Since she was back I was making sure she was doing okay, trying to keep her busy and not think about her ex (who she still missed), and being a good friend. A while into the night, J is nowhere to be found, S is puking and her ex and I are trying to take care of her. J finds us and gets pissed at me, yelling at me telling me that I should be more concerned about her since she and her bf had been together for 9 months while S had only been with fiancee for 2 months. She said I clearly didn't care about how upset she was. When I tried pointing out that S was puking, she didn't want to hear it, she just pointed out that she hadn't heard from me the whole week of Christmas. I told her that I had been sick (which I had told her when I first got sick) and she flat out said she didn't believe me. I ended that friendship then and there. There's no point to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't value your friendship and feels that she should be the center of your universe.

3.) The Fever - I'm a girl who has always wanted babies. Whenever I see a baby, I think about how much I want one and can't wait to be a mom. Lately though? I have had baby fever to the max! I don't know why and don't worry I'm not planning on not taking my birth control anymore and just seeing what happens, but I'm getting that itch. I know it's hard work, but I just know how fulfilling it would be. But I tell you... it doesn't help that 7 people I know are pregnant right now! Three of my high school classmates, my hs bf's sister, and three cousins of mine... I swear if one more person I know gets pregnant I may flip out! :) I'm hoping the fever subsides soon.

Bottom line... I want to wish everyone a Happy new Year (granted a little late, but whatever!) and say that I honestly believe this year is going to be the greatest ever. I've had a very positive energy about me since Jan. 1 and think things can only get better. Cheers!