Memorbale life

As i cleaned up my kitchen last night after cooking dinner for myself, it struck my that absolutely nothing happened that day. I got up, worked out, had breakfast, went to work, had lunch with my mom at work, went home, did some crunches, made dinner, played with my dog, and watched some TV. While all of it was all well and good, nothing bad happened after all, absolutely none of it was memorable. There was nothing that I did that day that I would later remember and think, "That was a good day." And I think, sadly, that more often than not, that's how my days are. I go through my life, do what I need to do, do some things I enjoy, and that's that.

It wasn't a bad realization. It was just more disheartening. I don't want my life to be blah. I don't want it to be the same thing, day in and day out with nothing really to show for it. I want to be able to write one of those Christmas newsletters at the end of the year highlighting all the wonderful things I've done this year... not that I would, mind you, I just wish I was able to if I did want to. If I wrote one of those this year it would include these fine details: went on a ski trip, ex broke up with me, kinda got back together with the ex briefly, broke up with the ex again, went on several blind dates that didn't amount to much, and continued to work at my job where I'm lucky to see 3 patients a week. That would be a Christmas letter that no one would want to read. I don't want all the memorable events in my life to surround my lack of a love life.

I've blogged about this before, somewhat. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Creating a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I just need to figure out a way to be more passionate about these things and really do them. I don't want life to happen to me... I want to make my life happen. I sound so chessy right about now that I think I'm going to stop this post. But, I'm keeping these thoughts in my mind to try to make my life more memorable.

slacker

I have been a total slacker on my blog lately. I guess not too much is going on in my life to blog about, but I still feel I should try and blog more often than once a week or so. I think this is only the 2nd blog I've done this whole month! That's crazy and I'm going to be better about it.

Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.

I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.

Missing in action

I haven't written for quite a while. I know you've probably all thought I'm missing in action, but I'm still here. Just don't have that much going on in my life I guess. Of course I say that now and as I'm writing this, I'll probably come up with lots to talk about and will tend to ramble on a bit. So first I'll start with some quick updates:

First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.

Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.

Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.

Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!

Trying to deal

First things first, I'm still doing the bootcamp and thrilled to be almost done with it. I'm just tired of all the working out and eating well. Feeling like I can't even have a piece of chocolate in the middle of the day. And I might cheat a little today, cuz my lunch just isn't all that appetizing to me and someone is supposed to bringing lunch into work today. I'm going to wait and see what they bring and then decide what I'm actually going to eat. But it has done pretty well for me... I'm down a total of 3.6 pounds since starting the program. I do plan on keeping some of the aspects after I'm officially done with the 2 weeks. I want to still walk, do circuit training, and do core strengthening, just not all of it every day. And I think I can keep eating pretty well, although I'll probably go back to taking it easier on the healthy eating over the weekend.

The bigger news of the week: my ex, the one who's main reason for breaking up with me and the one who a month ago in our last email exchange said he loved me and missed me but we should just consider oursleves single for a while and take things a day at a time? He's already got a new girlfriend. I happened to look at his myspace profile the other day, and he had changed his status back from single to in a relationship, he's moved me from top on his friends lis to #5 with this new girl top, and he has a picture of the two of them describing her as a "hottie."

It's like a slap in the face. (And now after typing that, all I can think of is that Alanis Morrisette song "You Oughta Know"). Seriously, did our relationship mean nothing to him? When we were together, he would discuss our future and indicate that we'd get married and have kids. Not just once, but on several occasions. How can he break up with me, claiming to want to be single, and then within a couple of months have a new girlfriend? I mean, technically we broke up in March, true. But at that time, we didn't talk for 2 weeks and didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and then we were right back to going out on the weekends, seeing each other through the week, etc. So I don't really consider us broken up until the middle of June. And yet, here he is, in a new relationship already. And I would bet money that he was already seeing this new girl when he sent me that last email.

I'm trying to deal with all the emotions I'm having about it. I'm really trying to make peace with the situation. After all, this knowledge really doesn't alter my life at all. The only thing that changes is now knowing that any fantasy I had of us running into each other and him wanting to get back together is over. But my feelings for him haven't changed. My day to day life hasn't changed. It was hard not talking to him before I knew this information, and it will continue to be hard not having him in my life. But then I'll be going about my day and something will make me think of him and I'll either have flashes of anger and hatred for him, or feelings of sadness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to force myself to be okay with it when I'm not really. But how are you supposed to deal when the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with replaces you so easily?

Weekend of sins

I was very bad this weekend, on many levels. First, gossip out of the way. Let's just put it this way... I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have (no sex, just some other action). And these actions could cause major problems. A relationship could break up, a friendship could end, a family relationship could be strained. I don't want to get into details, lest you all judge me (although who could blame you for judging me based on what I have divulged). Both parties were wasted, and I mean wasted (power hour was involved, along with drinks beforehand and afterwards), but still no excuses. I feel awful about the whole thing, but I guess there's nothing that can be done now except wait and see where the chips fall.

The other sins aren't as bad. Basically, Friday night and Saturday night I went off the bikini bootcamp program to have a little fun. I know that two weeks isn't that long to abstain from alcohol, but my brother was having a party Friday night so obviously I was going to drink there. And one of my friends was leaving to move to LA yesterday, so Saturday night we indulged on a very extravagent, expensive dinner that involved an appetizer of lobster, crab cakes, and scallops, main courses of steak and lobster, a chocolatey cake for dessert, and a bottle of wine to wash it all down. It was pure heaven and a special treat to celebrate ourselves, which we decided should be donw much more often. However, it did make the weight go the opposite direction from where I wanted. Saturday morning I was actually down 3.4 pounds since the previous Monday when I started the program. Sunday I was back up by 2.8 of those pounds.

I know, you aren't supposed to weigh everyday but I like to monitor my progress. But I was frustrated today to find myself weighing the same thing as I did yesterday. Yes I overindulged and it takes a lot longer to work the weight off as it does to put it on. But the rest of Saturday I ate well and worked out. Yesterday I ate well and worked out according to the plan and was on my feet practically all day doing errands and housework. Plus, seeing as though I'm not a morning person, I have a hard time justifying getting up early to do yoga and walk for 70 minutes if it's not going to have the effect that I want. Plus, I know me and I know that it's unlikely in my life to not go out on the weekends and at least have a few drinks. I feel like the only way for me to do the program full-force this week is to not go out at all next weekend, which I obviously don't want to do. I'm a social person and like to go out.

I will say that I feel like lately my world has just imploded around me. I feel like there are too many changes and I don't know how to deal with them. I mean, basically in the past 2 months I've lost a relationship as well as 2 of my best friends here. And I didn't have that many friends to begin with. The ex was my best friend, so not only have a lost that romantic side of things with us, but also a friend to call on when I need them and just to hang out with. And with my other friend moving across the country, it's made me want to reach out to the ex even more. I wish I could just call him up and get together for dinner just to talk like we used to. I don't want to get back together with him (well not unless he had worked through his commitment issues) but I miss talking to him and hearing whats going on in his life. I feel like things are just so out of my control these days and I hate it. I try to hide my feelings and act like I'm okay, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm just wearing this mask and faking it. Fake it until you make it, or fake it until you believe it. But it's so hard to fake it all the time.

What was I thinking?

Every muscle in my body aches. I move even slightly and I'm in pain. Evil bikini bootcamp! As I blogged about yesterday, I have decided to undertake this program to jump-start my healthy eating and exercise habits again. I'm all sorts of excited about the possibilities it brings: losing weight!, tighter body!, more self-confidence! Or at least I was excited about it.

It's a lot easier to be excited about something, and determined to see it through, when your body doesn't feel as if you were run over by a school bus (like the reference to it being back to school time?!). It would also be a lot easier if it was one of those programs where you eased into it or where you only did circuit training (read: strength training) every other day. And that is what is encouraged after the 2 weeks on the program. For now, however, the only relief I get is not having to do core strengthening every day. That (which works the abs and lower back mostly) gets done every other day. Now part of the circuit training I do every day does involve exercises for those muscle groups also, so it's not really a break, just 20 minutes less every other day. I'm still going through with it though. I'm still determined, even if it means I feel like this forever. I know after a few days my body should be used to it and I won't ache as much, but it's hard to focus on that right now.

One thing I really do like about this program is how it's really a whole body thing. Body and mind. You do meditation every day, which allows for release of negative emotions (which I've had plenty of lately). It also incorporates journal writing, which allows you to vent about anything and everything, helping you gain perspective and clear your mind. And my favorite part (which I'll admit I didn't actually do yesterday because it would have meant another shower, which I just didn't have time for)? At-home spa treatments! A little pampering for your weary soul after the all day workouts. Yesterday I was supposed to do something to my hair, but as I said I didn't have time for the extra shower that required. Today, however, I fully plan on taking the time to enjoy an avocado facial mask. I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyone else trying to get back in shape? It always helps to go through these things together, so I'd love to hear your stories.

Bikini Bootcamp

**WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST TO FOLLOW**

I went to the bookstore last week (I think it was Wednesday, but I suppose that's somewhat irrelevant) to get books about traveling. I want to go on a vacation pretty badly, and don't really care where I go. I haven't been on a real vacation (read: longer than a long weekend) since last November when I went to Mexico with the ex (you know I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning him, although I think that's all he will be mentioned the rest of the post). I kind of want to take a trip by myself to relax, unwind, forget about all the cares in the world, and do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. So I went to the bookstore (B&N for those who care) to get this book I had heard about called 100 Places Every Woman Should Go by Stephanie Elizondo Griest. I figured this would give me some good ideas of where to go and what to do when I went there. Granted, I'm not planning on having the money for a good vacation for a while still. That gives me plenty of time to figure out what to do on this "All About Me" vacation. None of this is the point to this post. The point to the post is coming up though.

While at B&N, I wandered around a bit. I should never be allowed to do this, because, inevitably, I find other things that I feel I need at that moment. Of course this happened once again. I came across this book called Bikini Bootcamp by Melissa Perlman and Erica Gragg. These two woman have created the Amansala Spa (which, coincidentally I've decided might just be where I want to go on my vacation) in Mexico, which as far as I can tell encourages women to relax, take care of themselves, and forget about the stress of everyday life (doesn't that sound almost exactly like what I wanted?). So they have this program at the Amansala Spa called Bikini Bootcamp, which is where this book comes from. Having lost some weight this year (about 20 pounds, with at least another 20 to 25 left to lose) and no longer motivated to work out and eat well, as I had been, I decided that maybe this book would be a good way to get my butt back into gear. Especially since my aunt has challenged me to a mini-competition. She is participating in a Biggest Loser type of program at her work, where she has people sponsoring her and for every pound she loses, they contribute a certain amount of money which goes to charity (I hope that ridiculous sentence makes sense). So, knowing that I've lost motivation, she's helping me out by seeing which one of us can lose the biggest percentage of weight from now (well last week) until October 13. So I get this Bikini Bootcamp book, which is complete with exercises and meal plans for two weeks and I'm all gung-ho about starting the program. I'm really about to get to the point of the post now...

Well you can't start a program at the end of the week or on a weekend, so today is my first day. I went grocery shopping yesterday to get all the things I needed and decided that there's no reason one person should spend $150 on groceries just for herself for one week. But I'm determined to do this right, so I dutifully get all things on the list (well except for the few things I don't like, like avocados, and a few things I couldn't find, like flax seeds). let me tell you, my cart was already practically full by the time I had gotten through just the produce section. Does one girl really need 6 heads of lettuce for one week?! Again, I'm thinking no, but I'm determined so I get them all. My hope is that I'll see how much I get through this week and then make necessary adjustments for next week. Anyway, so I get home from the grocery store and open up the book to mentally prepare myself and go over what I'm supposed to do today...

• 15 minutes of yoga
• 1 hour of walking, plus 5 minutes warm-up and 5 minutes cool-down
• 45 minutes of circuit training
• 20 minutes of core strengthening exercises
• 15 minutes of journal writing, and
• 15 minutes of meditation

For anyone keeping track, that's 3 hours of stuff. And that doesn't even include cooking the meals I have dutifully grocery-shopped for and eating said meals. Now, I don't get home from work on Mondays until 5:30 or 6. Then I have to spend some time taking my dog out for a walk and changing my clothes. So let's assume all that takes 30 minutes. That puts my start time for all of this at 6 or 6:30. I do all my stuff and it's already 9 or 9:30! Like I'm going to cook dinner then. Again, however, I'm determined to do this right. Granted, they did say you could do the journal writing whenever you have time, so I'll do that today at work, and meditation could be done right before you go to bed, so that's when I'll do that. That leaves me with a mere 2 and a half hours of stuff to do. Still thinking I wouldn't want to do all of that when I got home from work, what do I do? I get my ass out of bed at 5:45 this morning so I can do my yoga and walk before I shower and get myself ready for work. Let me emphasize this point: I am not a morning person. So I really must be determined if I'm willing to get myself up before the sun rises to exercise. Especially knowing that I have a second workout planned for when I get home.

Let me further this by saying that breakfast this morning was a blueberry smoothie. Now, I'm all about the smoothies you get at places like Jamba Juice, but this was not one of those types of smoothies. This was the barely sweet kind that you have to force down. Not that it didn't taste good, it did, it just wasn't what I like in something called a smoothie. Plus, I think of smoothies as being for snacks (which may be why I needed Bikini Bootcamp in the first place). If I'm eating breakfast, I want something more substantial than a smoothie.

Now, having complained about the amount of money I spent at the grocery store, complained about the amount of exercise I have to do, forcing me to get up before I sometimes even get to bed on the weekends, and complained about the first breakfast, I will say that I'm still positive about this program. I think it is what I need to kick-start my butt back into gear. Plus, I'm sure it's more than my aunt is doing, so I'm well on my way to winning the mini-competition. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through 2 weeks of hell and then I can normalize out and not have to get up at the crack of dawn or spend as much money. My advice to all of you loyal readers is this: Do not be fooled by anything with the word "bootcamp" in it, even if it is preceeded by "Bikini." It will be tough and a lot of work. All I know is that I better see results for it to be worth it. I'll keep you all posted. And I apologize for the ridiculously long post.