Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now an older 20-something. I've always been one to kinda embrace my birthday, celebrate, not care about turning another year older. This year was the first time that I was really not looking forward to it. I think that I've finally gotten to that point where I realize how different my life is than what I thought it would be at this age. Or maybe it's just the first time in recent years where there was just nothing really exciting going on. Last year I was dating a wonderful man (well I thought he was wonderful at the time at least) who took my to Mexico for my birthday (well two weeks before my birthday for a friend's wedding, but still he paid for the whole thing and it was the large part of my birthday present from him). The year before that I was a month away from moving back home and was really looking forward to what the year ahead was going to hold for me. This year... well I'm single and no major life events are going on. I really thought that at my age now I would at least be dating the guy I was going to marry and be well on the path towards a family. Now I realize I have a lot to be thankful for and generally speaking I have a great life. I own my own house, I have a good job with good pay, I have a wonderful family who, for the most part, live in the same city as me, and I have good friends who are always there for me if I need them. And yet I still want that something more. iw as talking to my mom one day and started getting a little emotional about the whole birthday thing and she told me I just needed to sit down and really figure out what I want from life and how to go about getting it. Well what I really want from life is a good man. One who wants to settle down and have a family with me. One who isn't always going to be looking for the next best thing. And I've tried everything I know to meet those types of guys and I can't find them anywhere. I know I'm still young enough to get everything I want out of life, but still my biological clock is starting to tick. And yeah, I've stated before that I don't really need a man for anything... which I still think is true. But not needing one and not wanting one are two different things. I know that everyone always says that once you stop looking that's when you'll find someone, but that's easier said than done.
Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.
So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.
Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.
So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Men are jerks
Okay... so I don't know how long this post will be since I'm supposed to be heading off to lunch soon before seeing patients all afternoon, but here goes nothing...
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Is anyone still out there?
Wow... I thought going more than a week was bad as far as between posts. And yet, here I am, over a full month since the last time I blogged. I apologize to anyone who may still be out there checking in on my life.
Part of it is that I have been a little more busy at work, thankfully! When I started blogging, I was lucky to have 2 patients a week. Now I'm usually right around 8 patients for the week, which is great news. It means that I have more to do and don't feel as out-of-my-mind-crazy bored. Unfortunately, it has also meant less time to blog. I know, I know. I shouldn't be blogging at work anyway, and should do it on my own time, but I like to do other things in my spare time also, so it's created a lack of posts.
I feel like a lot has gone on in my life since I last posted also. The big news, I have a new man in my life. Here's the problem: his actions have made me a little crazy lately, which I don't like. Let me fill you in on all the details. So I met him through my friend at work, who used to be engaged to his brother (like 5 years ago). From the first night, we were making out like teenagers (awesome!) and he pretty much was calling and texting me all the time and he wanted to hang out a lot. Now, just two days after I met him, I went to Miami for the weekend (which I'll get to either in a bit or on my next post) and I couldn't stop thinking about him while I was gone. Once I got back, we were spending like everyday together and having a blast, but I was a little wary of starting a real relationship with him cuz of my broken heart from the ex (who I'm still not 100% over), and I told him that. But he kept persuing and being so sweet and fun, that a week later when he asked me to be his girl, I told him we'd give it a try. After that, he's changed a bit. He left a party I was having super early, although granted he did have to work the next day, and got pissed that I was upset that he left so early. Since then, things have been a little strained. Sure, we've still talked everyday, and hung out a couple times, and he talks and acts like everything is fine between us, but I can't help but compare how he's acting now to how he was acting before we officially got together.
This is what's driving me crazy. I tend to overanalyze everything anyway, and now I'm paranoid that things have changed and he doesn't want to be with me anymore, even though I don't really have any proof to that. But like today, I found out my friend at work has whooping cough, so I called my guy to tell him and he didn't answer his phone, which is no big deal since I assumed he was at work. So I left him a message telling him we needed to talk about her sickness to make sure he didn't get it also. Well I don't hear back from him, and then hear from my friend later that she called him and talked to him and told him all about it. So immediately my mind thinks "Well if he wasn't at work, why didn't he answer when I called, but answered when she did? And when he got my message why didn't he call back?" Again, not really a big deal, but like I said, I've turned slightly crazy! Plus you put that together with the fact that he and his friends went out last night for a "boys night", because according to my man, they all "had things they needed to talk about." Which also of course makes me think "Is it about me? Is he trying to figure out if he still wants to be with me?" I know, paranoid! And also, he told me he'd call me when he got done with them, and he never did.
This is what I need to focus on: 1.) he has told me everything is fine between us. 2.) he's acted like we're fine still when we've seen each other. 3.) the frequency that he calls me/texts me/sees me now is normal for a new relationship, before it may have been a bit of overkill. 4.) he has been busy and stressed out at work lately, and tired from working so much.
I guess what i find annoying is that when he was persuing me, I was hesitant about getting involved because I didn't want to get emotionally attached for it to not work out. Now I am a little attached (not so much that I wouldn't be able to get over it if it did end, but enough so that I don't want it to end already) and he's acting differently. I'm trying to just let it go and assume everything is fine unless I hear otherwise from him. I think this weekend will be pretty telling. The weekends since we've known each other so far have gone like this: 1st - I was in Miami, 2nd - we hung out until all hours Friday and Saturday, and got together Sunday also, 3rd - he had to work both Saturday and Sunday, so I only saw him for a little bit Friday and then we went to a movie Sunday. He doesn't have to work this weekend, so I'm expecting to see him more again if things are still good with us. If not, maybe I'll just call him out on it and see what he says. I'd rather know earlier than later what's going through his mind. I will say that part of me doesn't want it to end just because it has provided such a nice distraction from thinking about the ex and his new gf. I don't know if I could see myself marrying him, but I kinda did want it to last longer as a rebound relationship to help me get over the hump. I guess we'll see how things go... I know I'm acting all crazy, so any words of wisdom or encouragement would be great.
Okay, all other news will have to wait for another post. It's good to be back!
Part of it is that I have been a little more busy at work, thankfully! When I started blogging, I was lucky to have 2 patients a week. Now I'm usually right around 8 patients for the week, which is great news. It means that I have more to do and don't feel as out-of-my-mind-crazy bored. Unfortunately, it has also meant less time to blog. I know, I know. I shouldn't be blogging at work anyway, and should do it on my own time, but I like to do other things in my spare time also, so it's created a lack of posts.
I feel like a lot has gone on in my life since I last posted also. The big news, I have a new man in my life. Here's the problem: his actions have made me a little crazy lately, which I don't like. Let me fill you in on all the details. So I met him through my friend at work, who used to be engaged to his brother (like 5 years ago). From the first night, we were making out like teenagers (awesome!) and he pretty much was calling and texting me all the time and he wanted to hang out a lot. Now, just two days after I met him, I went to Miami for the weekend (which I'll get to either in a bit or on my next post) and I couldn't stop thinking about him while I was gone. Once I got back, we were spending like everyday together and having a blast, but I was a little wary of starting a real relationship with him cuz of my broken heart from the ex (who I'm still not 100% over), and I told him that. But he kept persuing and being so sweet and fun, that a week later when he asked me to be his girl, I told him we'd give it a try. After that, he's changed a bit. He left a party I was having super early, although granted he did have to work the next day, and got pissed that I was upset that he left so early. Since then, things have been a little strained. Sure, we've still talked everyday, and hung out a couple times, and he talks and acts like everything is fine between us, but I can't help but compare how he's acting now to how he was acting before we officially got together.
This is what's driving me crazy. I tend to overanalyze everything anyway, and now I'm paranoid that things have changed and he doesn't want to be with me anymore, even though I don't really have any proof to that. But like today, I found out my friend at work has whooping cough, so I called my guy to tell him and he didn't answer his phone, which is no big deal since I assumed he was at work. So I left him a message telling him we needed to talk about her sickness to make sure he didn't get it also. Well I don't hear back from him, and then hear from my friend later that she called him and talked to him and told him all about it. So immediately my mind thinks "Well if he wasn't at work, why didn't he answer when I called, but answered when she did? And when he got my message why didn't he call back?" Again, not really a big deal, but like I said, I've turned slightly crazy! Plus you put that together with the fact that he and his friends went out last night for a "boys night", because according to my man, they all "had things they needed to talk about." Which also of course makes me think "Is it about me? Is he trying to figure out if he still wants to be with me?" I know, paranoid! And also, he told me he'd call me when he got done with them, and he never did.
This is what I need to focus on: 1.) he has told me everything is fine between us. 2.) he's acted like we're fine still when we've seen each other. 3.) the frequency that he calls me/texts me/sees me now is normal for a new relationship, before it may have been a bit of overkill. 4.) he has been busy and stressed out at work lately, and tired from working so much.
I guess what i find annoying is that when he was persuing me, I was hesitant about getting involved because I didn't want to get emotionally attached for it to not work out. Now I am a little attached (not so much that I wouldn't be able to get over it if it did end, but enough so that I don't want it to end already) and he's acting differently. I'm trying to just let it go and assume everything is fine unless I hear otherwise from him. I think this weekend will be pretty telling. The weekends since we've known each other so far have gone like this: 1st - I was in Miami, 2nd - we hung out until all hours Friday and Saturday, and got together Sunday also, 3rd - he had to work both Saturday and Sunday, so I only saw him for a little bit Friday and then we went to a movie Sunday. He doesn't have to work this weekend, so I'm expecting to see him more again if things are still good with us. If not, maybe I'll just call him out on it and see what he says. I'd rather know earlier than later what's going through his mind. I will say that part of me doesn't want it to end just because it has provided such a nice distraction from thinking about the ex and his new gf. I don't know if I could see myself marrying him, but I kinda did want it to last longer as a rebound relationship to help me get over the hump. I guess we'll see how things go... I know I'm acting all crazy, so any words of wisdom or encouragement would be great.
Okay, all other news will have to wait for another post. It's good to be back!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Memorbale life
As i cleaned up my kitchen last night after cooking dinner for myself, it struck my that absolutely nothing happened that day. I got up, worked out, had breakfast, went to work, had lunch with my mom at work, went home, did some crunches, made dinner, played with my dog, and watched some TV. While all of it was all well and good, nothing bad happened after all, absolutely none of it was memorable. There was nothing that I did that day that I would later remember and think, "That was a good day." And I think, sadly, that more often than not, that's how my days are. I go through my life, do what I need to do, do some things I enjoy, and that's that.
It wasn't a bad realization. It was just more disheartening. I don't want my life to be blah. I don't want it to be the same thing, day in and day out with nothing really to show for it. I want to be able to write one of those Christmas newsletters at the end of the year highlighting all the wonderful things I've done this year... not that I would, mind you, I just wish I was able to if I did want to. If I wrote one of those this year it would include these fine details: went on a ski trip, ex broke up with me, kinda got back together with the ex briefly, broke up with the ex again, went on several blind dates that didn't amount to much, and continued to work at my job where I'm lucky to see 3 patients a week. That would be a Christmas letter that no one would want to read. I don't want all the memorable events in my life to surround my lack of a love life.
I've blogged about this before, somewhat. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Creating a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I just need to figure out a way to be more passionate about these things and really do them. I don't want life to happen to me... I want to make my life happen. I sound so chessy right about now that I think I'm going to stop this post. But, I'm keeping these thoughts in my mind to try to make my life more memorable.
It wasn't a bad realization. It was just more disheartening. I don't want my life to be blah. I don't want it to be the same thing, day in and day out with nothing really to show for it. I want to be able to write one of those Christmas newsletters at the end of the year highlighting all the wonderful things I've done this year... not that I would, mind you, I just wish I was able to if I did want to. If I wrote one of those this year it would include these fine details: went on a ski trip, ex broke up with me, kinda got back together with the ex briefly, broke up with the ex again, went on several blind dates that didn't amount to much, and continued to work at my job where I'm lucky to see 3 patients a week. That would be a Christmas letter that no one would want to read. I don't want all the memorable events in my life to surround my lack of a love life.
I've blogged about this before, somewhat. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Creating a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I just need to figure out a way to be more passionate about these things and really do them. I don't want life to happen to me... I want to make my life happen. I sound so chessy right about now that I think I'm going to stop this post. But, I'm keeping these thoughts in my mind to try to make my life more memorable.
Monday, September 24, 2007
slacker
I have been a total slacker on my blog lately. I guess not too much is going on in my life to blog about, but I still feel I should try and blog more often than once a week or so. I think this is only the 2nd blog I've done this whole month! That's crazy and I'm going to be better about it.
Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.
And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.
I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.
Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.
And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.
I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Missing in action
I haven't written for quite a while. I know you've probably all thought I'm missing in action, but I'm still here. Just don't have that much going on in my life I guess. Of course I say that now and as I'm writing this, I'll probably come up with lots to talk about and will tend to ramble on a bit. So first I'll start with some quick updates:
First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.
Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.
Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.
Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!
First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.
Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.
Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.
Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Trying to deal
First things first, I'm still doing the bootcamp and thrilled to be almost done with it. I'm just tired of all the working out and eating well. Feeling like I can't even have a piece of chocolate in the middle of the day. And I might cheat a little today, cuz my lunch just isn't all that appetizing to me and someone is supposed to bringing lunch into work today. I'm going to wait and see what they bring and then decide what I'm actually going to eat. But it has done pretty well for me... I'm down a total of 3.6 pounds since starting the program. I do plan on keeping some of the aspects after I'm officially done with the 2 weeks. I want to still walk, do circuit training, and do core strengthening, just not all of it every day. And I think I can keep eating pretty well, although I'll probably go back to taking it easier on the healthy eating over the weekend.
The bigger news of the week: my ex, the one who's main reason for breaking up with me and the one who a month ago in our last email exchange said he loved me and missed me but we should just consider oursleves single for a while and take things a day at a time? He's already got a new girlfriend. I happened to look at his myspace profile the other day, and he had changed his status back from single to in a relationship, he's moved me from top on his friends lis to #5 with this new girl top, and he has a picture of the two of them describing her as a "hottie."
It's like a slap in the face. (And now after typing that, all I can think of is that Alanis Morrisette song "You Oughta Know"). Seriously, did our relationship mean nothing to him? When we were together, he would discuss our future and indicate that we'd get married and have kids. Not just once, but on several occasions. How can he break up with me, claiming to want to be single, and then within a couple of months have a new girlfriend? I mean, technically we broke up in March, true. But at that time, we didn't talk for 2 weeks and didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and then we were right back to going out on the weekends, seeing each other through the week, etc. So I don't really consider us broken up until the middle of June. And yet, here he is, in a new relationship already. And I would bet money that he was already seeing this new girl when he sent me that last email.
I'm trying to deal with all the emotions I'm having about it. I'm really trying to make peace with the situation. After all, this knowledge really doesn't alter my life at all. The only thing that changes is now knowing that any fantasy I had of us running into each other and him wanting to get back together is over. But my feelings for him haven't changed. My day to day life hasn't changed. It was hard not talking to him before I knew this information, and it will continue to be hard not having him in my life. But then I'll be going about my day and something will make me think of him and I'll either have flashes of anger and hatred for him, or feelings of sadness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to force myself to be okay with it when I'm not really. But how are you supposed to deal when the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with replaces you so easily?
The bigger news of the week: my ex, the one who's main reason for breaking up with me and the one who a month ago in our last email exchange said he loved me and missed me but we should just consider oursleves single for a while and take things a day at a time? He's already got a new girlfriend. I happened to look at his myspace profile the other day, and he had changed his status back from single to in a relationship, he's moved me from top on his friends lis to #5 with this new girl top, and he has a picture of the two of them describing her as a "hottie."
It's like a slap in the face. (And now after typing that, all I can think of is that Alanis Morrisette song "You Oughta Know"). Seriously, did our relationship mean nothing to him? When we were together, he would discuss our future and indicate that we'd get married and have kids. Not just once, but on several occasions. How can he break up with me, claiming to want to be single, and then within a couple of months have a new girlfriend? I mean, technically we broke up in March, true. But at that time, we didn't talk for 2 weeks and didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and then we were right back to going out on the weekends, seeing each other through the week, etc. So I don't really consider us broken up until the middle of June. And yet, here he is, in a new relationship already. And I would bet money that he was already seeing this new girl when he sent me that last email.
I'm trying to deal with all the emotions I'm having about it. I'm really trying to make peace with the situation. After all, this knowledge really doesn't alter my life at all. The only thing that changes is now knowing that any fantasy I had of us running into each other and him wanting to get back together is over. But my feelings for him haven't changed. My day to day life hasn't changed. It was hard not talking to him before I knew this information, and it will continue to be hard not having him in my life. But then I'll be going about my day and something will make me think of him and I'll either have flashes of anger and hatred for him, or feelings of sadness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to force myself to be okay with it when I'm not really. But how are you supposed to deal when the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with replaces you so easily?
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