Self-Realization

Okay, so I haven't posted in just about forever. My apologies. I wish I could say it was because fabulous things were keeping me busy, but that's not the case. I think I just got lazy. But it's a month into the new year, and I vow to be better. Although I should point out that I've already broken most of my new year's resolutions, so who knows if this one will stick either.

So quick updates... the most recent ex (the younger one, the one who I had the most brief "relationship" with of my adult life), he still comes around. For a while I was hanging onto hope that things would work out. I missed the way he treated me when he first met me, and I wanted that back. Ultimately I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. I knew that from the beginning. I even told my friends that. And yet I still wanted to try and work things out, just so I wouldn't be alone. Now that I'm over that, he and I have somewhat of a friends with benefits type of thing going on. It doesn't happen too often, but I'm not opposed to sex with him every once in a while as long as I'm single. I do, however, have a bit of a crush on this other guy. I met him back in November, and we have become friends throughout the weeks. We always drink at the same bar, with our respective friends, on Saturdays and end up talking, drinking, and dancing together. The past couple weeks, we've also grabbed food after the bar closed together with our friends. This past weekend, I ended up back at his house and we slept together.

Here's the issue. He is hard to figure out. Does he like me? Does he just want to hook up with me? Does he just see me as a friend, but goes along with things because I'm persuing him? At times he seems into me. He has a lot of friends that are girls who he doesn't hook up with, and yet he slept with me. And he's the one who kissed me first. (Sidenote: he is an incredible kisser. I'm talking, first kiss and I had major butterflies. That does not happen for me often. I think only 3 other guys in my life have given me butterflies just by kissing). On the other hand, however, the past two weeks he and I have made plans to go see a movie together, and both times he cancelled. Well, actually, that's being nice. Both times, he just didn't call. The first time, I didn't call him. The second time, I sent him a text asking if he still wanted to see a movie that night, and I got no response. WTF?! Now, I can see him saying these things and making plans like that hoping to get me into bed. But the last time he said it was the next morning, after having slept with me. Why would he say it then if he had no intentions of following through?

One of his friends told my friend that if I liked this guy, the way I needed to act was be into him, show him a bunch of attention, and then all of a sudden act like I'm not interested in him anymore cuz he likes the chase. I HATE GAMES. Why couldn't the games have been left in high school? If I like you, you'll know it. If I sleep with you, I like you. I'm not gonna ignore you if I like you in hopes that it will make me seem more mysterious. I know guys like the chase. And I'm not saying that I'm calling him or texting him all the time. In fact, I've only called him once (when he told me to, so he knew I made it home safely, which was before we slept together) and texted him once, to ask about the movie. Other than that, I basically leave him alone until we see each other at the bar on the weekends. And even then, I usually say hi to him, give him a hug, and then hang out with my friends. It's not until we're both pretty tipsy, and dancing together, that I even start to become flirty.

So the thing is this... I know he really isn't right for me either. Like the younger guy I dated, I don't think that this guy and I have a lot in common. Plus, he has three kids (one was kind of an accident when he was younger, and the other two are from a previous marriage). I want kids of my own. I know that. And I want at least 2, AT LEAST. I'm pretty sure that any guy who already has 3 kids is not gonna want another 2 or 3 with me. And that is a deal-breaker for me.

I was laying in bed last night, overanalyzing everything about this whole mess. I often overanalyze about my life. But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I keep picking guys I don't see a future with to date/hook up with/crush on/etc. because I won't get hurt this way. I am still so heart-broken over the ex (the serious one I've mentioned previously) and I curently think that the only way to prevent feeling this way again is by never getting close enough to be hurt. And I prevent getting close to anyone by choosing guys who aren't good for me. Now maybe this is partly because I haven't met anyone who I do think would be good for me, but I think most of it is self-sabatoge. I do want to find a good guy. One who wants the same things as me. One who will want to be with me and only me forever. But maybe I'm still just not ready for that. So in the meantime, I'll keep picking these guys who I see no future with to protect myself. The only problem is that even though I see no future with these guys, they still drive me crazy! lol