Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now an older 20-something. I've always been one to kinda embrace my birthday, celebrate, not care about turning another year older. This year was the first time that I was really not looking forward to it. I think that I've finally gotten to that point where I realize how different my life is than what I thought it would be at this age. Or maybe it's just the first time in recent years where there was just nothing really exciting going on. Last year I was dating a wonderful man (well I thought he was wonderful at the time at least) who took my to Mexico for my birthday (well two weeks before my birthday for a friend's wedding, but still he paid for the whole thing and it was the large part of my birthday present from him). The year before that I was a month away from moving back home and was really looking forward to what the year ahead was going to hold for me. This year... well I'm single and no major life events are going on. I really thought that at my age now I would at least be dating the guy I was going to marry and be well on the path towards a family. Now I realize I have a lot to be thankful for and generally speaking I have a great life. I own my own house, I have a good job with good pay, I have a wonderful family who, for the most part, live in the same city as me, and I have good friends who are always there for me if I need them. And yet I still want that something more. iw as talking to my mom one day and started getting a little emotional about the whole birthday thing and she told me I just needed to sit down and really figure out what I want from life and how to go about getting it. Well what I really want from life is a good man. One who wants to settle down and have a family with me. One who isn't always going to be looking for the next best thing. And I've tried everything I know to meet those types of guys and I can't find them anywhere. I know I'm still young enough to get everything I want out of life, but still my biological clock is starting to tick. And yeah, I've stated before that I don't really need a man for anything... which I still think is true. But not needing one and not wanting one are two different things. I know that everyone always says that once you stop looking that's when you'll find someone, but that's easier said than done.
Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.
So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.
Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.
So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Men are jerks
Okay... so I don't know how long this post will be since I'm supposed to be heading off to lunch soon before seeing patients all afternoon, but here goes nothing...
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
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