birthday weekend

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now an older 20-something. I've always been one to kinda embrace my birthday, celebrate, not care about turning another year older. This year was the first time that I was really not looking forward to it. I think that I've finally gotten to that point where I realize how different my life is than what I thought it would be at this age. Or maybe it's just the first time in recent years where there was just nothing really exciting going on. Last year I was dating a wonderful man (well I thought he was wonderful at the time at least) who took my to Mexico for my birthday (well two weeks before my birthday for a friend's wedding, but still he paid for the whole thing and it was the large part of my birthday present from him). The year before that I was a month away from moving back home and was really looking forward to what the year ahead was going to hold for me. This year... well I'm single and no major life events are going on. I really thought that at my age now I would at least be dating the guy I was going to marry and be well on the path towards a family. Now I realize I have a lot to be thankful for and generally speaking I have a great life. I own my own house, I have a good job with good pay, I have a wonderful family who, for the most part, live in the same city as me, and I have good friends who are always there for me if I need them. And yet I still want that something more. iw as talking to my mom one day and started getting a little emotional about the whole birthday thing and she told me I just needed to sit down and really figure out what I want from life and how to go about getting it. Well what I really want from life is a good man. One who wants to settle down and have a family with me. One who isn't always going to be looking for the next best thing. And I've tried everything I know to meet those types of guys and I can't find them anywhere. I know I'm still young enough to get everything I want out of life, but still my biological clock is starting to tick. And yeah, I've stated before that I don't really need a man for anything... which I still think is true. But not needing one and not wanting one are two different things. I know that everyone always says that once you stop looking that's when you'll find someone, but that's easier said than done.



Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.

So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.

Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.

So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.