Grumpy

I didn't wake up this morning feeling grumpy. But my mood has taken a turn for the worse practically from the moment I actually got out of bed. Now, I understand that all the "reasons" I'm feeling grumpy are stupid. What are those reasons? Let's see....

• I gained some weight back. Not all of it, obviously. But enough to make me feel annoyed. i understand that your weight can fluctuate, even within a day as much as 2 pounds. Let's just say it was more than that. And I've been continuing to eat well and exercise, so it pisses me off. Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm gaining muscle, which weighs more than fat. Well, whatever... I don't care why I gained it back. I'm just pissy that it came back at all.
• Running this morning sucked. It usually sucks, but I manage to make it through. I don't run fast (only 5 mph, which most people would call jogging. I call it running because it makes me feel more accomplished) and am up to running 1 and 1/4 miles continuously (which also doesn't sound like much, but I'm not a runner, so it's a lot for me). I've been doing that for almost 2 weeks, and have been fine with it. Today, getting that last lap in about killed me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hated it. Just when I think I'm making some headway in the running, this happens and makes me not ever want to run again.
• Today (I'm pretty sure) is Juice's birthday. Now generally, he no longer affects my life on a daily basis. I'll think about him now and then, and miss him, but I move on. That's what I have to do. But of course, since it's his bday, I'm thinking about him more today than normal. Which makes me miss him even more. Or at least makes me miss having someone even more. And, since I'm a nice caring person (or maybe a glutton for punishment) I called him this morning to wish him a happy bday. Of course I got no answer and haven't heard back from him. I'm sure I won't.
• At lunch today, I heard a song that I played over and over again when The Reason and I broke up. It always made me cry and at that time, that's what I needed. Hearing it just made those feelings and that time come rushing back. And the lyrics still apply. Or at least the ones that applied back then, still apply. (In case you're wondering, the song is "Comfortable" by John Mayer).
• There was part of my that really hoped all my patients for the day would cancel. We had a huge snow storm here yesterday. I think I got about a foot at my house, and we're still in a level 2 snow emergency, which means don't drive unless you have to. None of my patients are ones that couldn't have waited a week to come in for their visit. Yet, none of them have cancelled. Their school is cancelled and yet they still feel the need to come in?! Fine. (I know I'm just being selfish and want another snow day, but I'm allowed).

I think that's all for now. So if anyone has something that would make me laugh, or just smile, today would be the day to share. I need something to try and pick my spirits back up.

Thank You Facebook

One of my resolutions should ahve been to get back to posting more regularly! I apologize for being so MIA, but you'll be glad to know that I've already smacked myself upside the head and told myself to get with the program! (Okay, not really, but it was a good visual). I just haven't had much to blog about lately. My life is good. I'm working out and eating well (already lost 12 pounds, which is insane if you ask me). Work is fine. No drama going on in my life. No men to worry about. All in all, I would give things a B+.

So Facebook, good ol' Facebook, decided to inform me a few days ago that The Reason went from being listed as "in a relationship" to being listed as "single." I'll admit that the first thought that went through my mind was, "Really?! Wow, that makes me happy." And then I immediately felt bad about being happy that his relationship ended. I don't want him back. I want him to have a good life and find someone to love who will love him as much as I did. But that's not me. So why would I be happy about it? I guess it goes back to not wanting his life to be better than mine. And I don't know if it is. But you know how it is when a relationship ends... you want to be the one to move on first. The one to begin a new relationship first. The one to not care about the other person or what they are doing, because you have more important things and people to care about. (Or maybe that's just me...)

And then I got to missing him. What?! I know! I thought I just said how I don't want him back. Which I don't. But looking at his Facebook page, seeing him, wanting to talk to him... it all came flooding back briefly. It made me momentarily indeed want him back.

But then I got to thinking about it. I realized that there are guys that I've dated (especially recently it seems) who I always think "I want him back" when I see them, or see something that reminds me of them, or think about them too much. And I know it's not actually them that I miss. It's not The Reason. It's not the Young Ex. It's not Juice. They are not who I miss. I miss having someone. I miss all the fun of being in a relationship. All the newness and butterflies. Having someone to go to sporting events or concerts or on vacations with. Someone to just lay around with on the weekend when you don't feel like going out. Someone who wants you as much as you want them.

So I think I'm finally past all the bs that came from the break-up with The Reason. The looking desperately for someone new just to prove I don't want him anymore. I actually don't want him anymore. I wish him well. But I'm ready for a new relationship. I'm not gonna go crazy if I don't find one. I'm not going to desperately seek one out. I'm just going to be open, really open, to the possibility of having one. So I suppose I should say, "Thank you, Facebook!" You made me open my eyes to the reality that I really am happy.

Resolutions, NYE, and Fever

Wow, it has been some time since I've managed to get on here and write. I apologize. You've probably all abandoned me, which I wouldn't blame you for. I haven't written a New Year's resolution post, which I fully intended to do (if only to make me more accountable). I haven't even told you about the night that was my NYE. I haven't blogged about the fever I've recently gotten, and I don't mean the sick-type of fever. So, without further ado, I will (try) and do a quick recap of all of these things.

1.) Resolutions: Okay so every year I make resolutions. I generally stick with them for a while and then get tired of them and/or forget and just quietly slip back into my normal life. I decided this year, I should be more specific about my resolutions, in an effort to focus more on the goals I want to obtain.

• Lose 30 pounds - each year I say I want to lose weight and be more healthy. But putting a number on it gives me goals to shoot for. I gained about 10 pounds at the end of last year, after my high school reunion. So I want to take that back off and then some. I've been keeping track of what I eat and working out at least some every day. And I'm down 3.6 pounds so far (although I'm pretty sure the baked potato with cheese and bacon I had for lunch today is not going to help that at all. I sometimes wish we didn't have drug reps bring us lunch, it's just too tempting! And I have NO willpower).
• Pay off 2 credit cards - I was pretty damaging to myself in college. Credit cards meant getting to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't worry about having to pay them off. I realize this is the worst thing I probably could have done because I am now attempting to get out of debt, which is tough! I have 7(!) credit cards. One is completely paid off and has been for about a year now (go me!) and four of them only had limits of around $1000, so it's the other two that are gonna be the biggest problem. I'm not at my limit on any of them or anything, but I definitely need to make paying off this debt a priority.
• Read 26 books - That's a book every two weeks. I read a lot anyway (every night before I go to bed) but this will get me keeping track of how much I really do read. No real reason for wanting to read more though. Just cuz.
• Take more pictures - Okay so this doesn't have a number or quantity to it, but in the past I haven't taken a lot of pictures. Really only on big events or vacations. I want to take more of just everyday and family events. I think after my grandpa died it really made it more apparent that you have to appreciate the times you have with the people you love. And capturing those times in pictures is a good way to keep their memory alive.

2.) NYE - Let's just say it was eventful. If you recall, S got engaged a month or so ago after only dating the guy for a month. Because it's her life, I won't give the details here, but she basically decided that she didn't want to be with him anymore and broke up with him (okay technically not until Jan.1, but as of NYE, he knew it was coming). So she, our friend J, and I went out to a bar (with S's high school ex, and to a bar where my young ex was working. oh yeah, and her ex and my young ex? They're brothers... that's a whole other fun story). Anywa, you may recall that J was dating someone and moved to a different state to be with him. Well she moved back on Thanksgiving after him treating her like shit for about 5 months. Since she was back I was making sure she was doing okay, trying to keep her busy and not think about her ex (who she still missed), and being a good friend. A while into the night, J is nowhere to be found, S is puking and her ex and I are trying to take care of her. J finds us and gets pissed at me, yelling at me telling me that I should be more concerned about her since she and her bf had been together for 9 months while S had only been with fiancee for 2 months. She said I clearly didn't care about how upset she was. When I tried pointing out that S was puking, she didn't want to hear it, she just pointed out that she hadn't heard from me the whole week of Christmas. I told her that I had been sick (which I had told her when I first got sick) and she flat out said she didn't believe me. I ended that friendship then and there. There's no point to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't value your friendship and feels that she should be the center of your universe.

3.) The Fever - I'm a girl who has always wanted babies. Whenever I see a baby, I think about how much I want one and can't wait to be a mom. Lately though? I have had baby fever to the max! I don't know why and don't worry I'm not planning on not taking my birth control anymore and just seeing what happens, but I'm getting that itch. I know it's hard work, but I just know how fulfilling it would be. But I tell you... it doesn't help that 7 people I know are pregnant right now! Three of my high school classmates, my hs bf's sister, and three cousins of mine... I swear if one more person I know gets pregnant I may flip out! :) I'm hoping the fever subsides soon.

Bottom line... I want to wish everyone a Happy new Year (granted a little late, but whatever!) and say that I honestly believe this year is going to be the greatest ever. I've had a very positive energy about me since Jan. 1 and think things can only get better. Cheers!