As i cleaned up my kitchen last night after cooking dinner for myself, it struck my that absolutely nothing happened that day. I got up, worked out, had breakfast, went to work, had lunch with my mom at work, went home, did some crunches, made dinner, played with my dog, and watched some TV. While all of it was all well and good, nothing bad happened after all, absolutely none of it was memorable. There was nothing that I did that day that I would later remember and think, "That was a good day." And I think, sadly, that more often than not, that's how my days are. I go through my life, do what I need to do, do some things I enjoy, and that's that.
It wasn't a bad realization. It was just more disheartening. I don't want my life to be blah. I don't want it to be the same thing, day in and day out with nothing really to show for it. I want to be able to write one of those Christmas newsletters at the end of the year highlighting all the wonderful things I've done this year... not that I would, mind you, I just wish I was able to if I did want to. If I wrote one of those this year it would include these fine details: went on a ski trip, ex broke up with me, kinda got back together with the ex briefly, broke up with the ex again, went on several blind dates that didn't amount to much, and continued to work at my job where I'm lucky to see 3 patients a week. That would be a Christmas letter that no one would want to read. I don't want all the memorable events in my life to surround my lack of a love life.
I've blogged about this before, somewhat. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Creating a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I just need to figure out a way to be more passionate about these things and really do them. I don't want life to happen to me... I want to make my life happen. I sound so chessy right about now that I think I'm going to stop this post. But, I'm keeping these thoughts in my mind to try to make my life more memorable.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
slacker
I have been a total slacker on my blog lately. I guess not too much is going on in my life to blog about, but I still feel I should try and blog more often than once a week or so. I think this is only the 2nd blog I've done this whole month! That's crazy and I'm going to be better about it.
Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.
And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.
I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.
Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.
And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.
I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Missing in action
I haven't written for quite a while. I know you've probably all thought I'm missing in action, but I'm still here. Just don't have that much going on in my life I guess. Of course I say that now and as I'm writing this, I'll probably come up with lots to talk about and will tend to ramble on a bit. So first I'll start with some quick updates:
First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.
Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.
Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.
Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!
First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.
Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.
Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.
Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!
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