I feel like this past weekend is going to be very typical of weekends to come now that all my friends have bfs. (I'm still a little jealous, see my last post, although I think I'm getting slightly better... maybe... we'll see how bitter I become by the end of this post).
Anyway, Friday night I went out with S and her bf, Fly Boy (he's a pilot). Just the three of us. Now let me explain... he's a great guy. He's very good about going out with me and S... he dances with both of us, buys us both drinks, doesn't mind getting left alone if S and I want to dance by ourselves. It's just that towards the end of the night, they start kissing more, touching more, being a little more stuck together. This of course coincides with me being at least slightly buzzed (after all it's the end of the night and we've been drinking) and therefore more likely to get sad and lonely. So I feel like everytime the three of us go out, I end the night in or close to tears. Fly Boy is pretty soon going to think I'm loony!
Saturday, Fly Boy had to leave for work... being a pilot he's here a few days, gone a few days. I spend my day doing not a whole lot having slept until 1 in the afternoon. My mom came over around dinner time and we played the Wii and ordered a pizza. S texts me and wants to know if I'm up for doing anything that night. And while I wouldn't mind staying in (I'm getting old!) I say sure. We make plans to go out around 10:30. Well I get a call from her around 10:15 saying her son, who had spent the afternoon with his until-recently-absent-father, still wasn't home and so it would be a little later. I say that's fine and tell her that I'll wait to hear from her again before getting ready. Big shock... I never hear from her (sarcasm intended)... she sometimes ditches me like that. She apparently got into a huge fight with her parents, who she lives with with her son, about the fact that she was letting babby daddy back in the picture. While this weekend I really didn't care, since I was only marginal about going out in the first place, if she starts never wanting to go out unless Fly Boy is there, I'm going to be one annoyed best friend.
Sunday I did laundry, thought about going to the grocery store, realized I'd have to go to the store today so that I could pick up my birth control perscription so decided to just wait to go grocery shopping today as well, thought about how it was pointless these days for me to even be on birth control, straightened up my family room and kitchen a bit, watched some DVR'd shows, and played the Wii. It was a good day although left me wishing I had someone to share it with.
I swear my next post will not be a "poor me" post like the last two...
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Jealousy issues
I admit that I have always had a slight problem with being more jealous than I should be, typically in relationships. I normally wouldn't have a problem if the guy I was seeing/dating/whatever was talking to some other girl if we were out together, but if he talked to the same "other girl" several times, I'd start questioning his intentions with her, and jealousy would rear it's ugly head. I've actually gotten much better about this as I've gotten older though, so props for me!
Today, however, I have experienced jealousy in a different light. Here's the scenario: my core group of friends includes me and three other women about the same age as me. We all started hanging out together on a regular basis during the past year or so. All of us were single, so we had the "I hate men!" philosophy in common and generally had a great time going out together, drinking, making out with random strangers, and all leaving together so as to not get ourselves into any compromising situations with the random strangers we had spent the night making out with.
Fast forward to December. One of the girls decides she's going to give her ex, who's about to leave for the Navy, another chance. So we stop hearing from her pretty much completely. If/when she did call us, she would expect us to rearrange our plans so that they accomodated her. We weren't really into doing that, so she stopped hanging out with us. She's now content to be in a long-distance relationship and when we do invite her out, she never can join for whatever reason.
Fast forward another couple of months. Another one of the group goes to Virginia Beach with her roommate (also a friend of ours, but she doesn't come out as regularly as the core group did) who's boyfriend is in the Navy there. So, the women from the core comes back gushing about this guy she met and how wonderful he is. He comes up the following weekend to visit her, she goes back the next weekend to visit him, and now, she's happily in a long-distance relationship where she travels to VB a couple times a month.
About the same time as VB boy was becoming bf of J from the core (yes the same J who's been written about before), S (yes the same S as before) gets a visit from a male friend of hers from high school. We all hang out several times together, and they make out all the time. Now, they aren't technically together, but it's heading that way since she ditched plans that the three of us had last night so that they could sleep together for the first time.
So that leaves me. The only one left in the group without a man. And I'm jealous, I admit it. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends... I really am. They are all wonderful women who deserve to be happy and in good relationships with men who will treat them right. I just think i deserve the same thing and feel left out since I'm the sole single gal left. I feel like J and S are going to continously ditch me for their men and I'm going to be spending my weekends at home, by myself, playing the Wii. Or, if S does continue to go out with me and her man, I end up feeling like the third wheel, drinking by myself while they make out.
Maybe it's just cuz S ditched me last night that I'm feeling like this today. But really... I don't know. Especially cuz now all my friends continuously tell me or talk between themselves about how they need to "find Jenn a nice guy." I feel like their charity case. And I'm jealous. Any advice?
Today, however, I have experienced jealousy in a different light. Here's the scenario: my core group of friends includes me and three other women about the same age as me. We all started hanging out together on a regular basis during the past year or so. All of us were single, so we had the "I hate men!" philosophy in common and generally had a great time going out together, drinking, making out with random strangers, and all leaving together so as to not get ourselves into any compromising situations with the random strangers we had spent the night making out with.
Fast forward to December. One of the girls decides she's going to give her ex, who's about to leave for the Navy, another chance. So we stop hearing from her pretty much completely. If/when she did call us, she would expect us to rearrange our plans so that they accomodated her. We weren't really into doing that, so she stopped hanging out with us. She's now content to be in a long-distance relationship and when we do invite her out, she never can join for whatever reason.
Fast forward another couple of months. Another one of the group goes to Virginia Beach with her roommate (also a friend of ours, but she doesn't come out as regularly as the core group did) who's boyfriend is in the Navy there. So, the women from the core comes back gushing about this guy she met and how wonderful he is. He comes up the following weekend to visit her, she goes back the next weekend to visit him, and now, she's happily in a long-distance relationship where she travels to VB a couple times a month.
About the same time as VB boy was becoming bf of J from the core (yes the same J who's been written about before), S (yes the same S as before) gets a visit from a male friend of hers from high school. We all hang out several times together, and they make out all the time. Now, they aren't technically together, but it's heading that way since she ditched plans that the three of us had last night so that they could sleep together for the first time.
So that leaves me. The only one left in the group without a man. And I'm jealous, I admit it. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends... I really am. They are all wonderful women who deserve to be happy and in good relationships with men who will treat them right. I just think i deserve the same thing and feel left out since I'm the sole single gal left. I feel like J and S are going to continously ditch me for their men and I'm going to be spending my weekends at home, by myself, playing the Wii. Or, if S does continue to go out with me and her man, I end up feeling like the third wheel, drinking by myself while they make out.
Maybe it's just cuz S ditched me last night that I'm feeling like this today. But really... I don't know. Especially cuz now all my friends continuously tell me or talk between themselves about how they need to "find Jenn a nice guy." I feel like their charity case. And I'm jealous. Any advice?
Monday, February 11, 2008
Another weekend
Another weekend has come and gone, leaving me with more confusion regarding M. I will start off by saying that I probably shouldn't have even been out this past Saturday. Last Tuesday I started getting sick. Wednesday I felt worse and by Thursday I had a temperature of 103 and a positive flu test. I stayed home from work Thursday and Friday, wallowing in my misery. Saturday I was feeling better, but really knew I should probably have stayed in and rested up. Unfortunately, Saturday was also my friend J's birthday... and I am not one to miss out on celebrating a friend's bday. So I loaded myself up with motrin and sudafed and headed out, thinking (wrongly) that I would only have one shot and I'd come home early. Three or four shots later, as the bars are closing, I'm being dragged off to have food with J and the gang, meaning I don't get home until about 4:30. Amazingly, I didn't feel any worse yesterday after the drunken night.
So we start off at a different bar, but still one we go to often. M walks in with some of his friends later when I'm getting ready to have the first of the aforementioned shots. He does the head nod greeting to me across the bar. After the shot, I go over (cuz I am not going to have a repeat of the weekend before) and give him a hug and chitchat with him for a few minutes as he's playing pool. I leave him wanting more (at least in my mind) by cutting the convo a little short and say I'm going back to the other side to hang out with my friends. He says okay and that he'd probably be over there in a bit. He never really does end up over on the other side of the bar, but that's okay. We at least acknowledge each other whenever we walk past one another or when we make eye contact. Later on in the night, he comes over to me and says that they're all going to the other bar that we usually go to, and asks if we're gonna come. I say that we are getting our tabs then and then we'll be on our way.
We get to the other bar and he's of course in the middle of all the action, dancing with some of his girl friends (he has a lot of those). I don't worry about these girls because I think they all have boyfriends, and I've known about them for a while anyway, so whatever. But it makes it awkward when I don't really know them, and M is with them, for me to go over to M and start dancing with him. So we kinda don't say much to each other at this point. Okay, the bar is getting ready to close and M is leaving. He tells me before he leaves where they're all going, so of course J and I go there after we pay the tab. There's about 12 of us at this place, with tables shoved together to make one big table to sit at. M is on the other side of the table and, according to J (who is drunk by this point, so who knows if she was right), he keeps looking over at me. Well at the end of the night, when we're waiting for our checks, I get up to go to the bathroom and I see M look over at me, and I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he watches me walk across the restaurant. Finally, I look over at him, make eye contact, and wink at him. He smiles and winks back. But other than that... nothing. So we pay and get ready to leave and I go say goodbye to him and he says he'll talk to me soon and gives me a hug.
It's just confusing. Does he like me or not? At this point I almost don't care one way or the other, I'd just like to know. Obviously I'd rather him like me, but if he doesn't, that's cool, I just want to know instead of feeling like there's mixed messages. And maybe there really isn't mixed messages. Maybe I'm reading too much into the "friendly" things he does and he really does only like me as a friend. Although J told me earlier that night that B had told her that M never takes girls home, so he must really like me since he took me home that night. Okay, if that's the case then what happened? Cuz he's not acting interested anymore since then. Maybe I just create drama to try and make my life seem more interesting than it really is.
So we start off at a different bar, but still one we go to often. M walks in with some of his friends later when I'm getting ready to have the first of the aforementioned shots. He does the head nod greeting to me across the bar. After the shot, I go over (cuz I am not going to have a repeat of the weekend before) and give him a hug and chitchat with him for a few minutes as he's playing pool. I leave him wanting more (at least in my mind) by cutting the convo a little short and say I'm going back to the other side to hang out with my friends. He says okay and that he'd probably be over there in a bit. He never really does end up over on the other side of the bar, but that's okay. We at least acknowledge each other whenever we walk past one another or when we make eye contact. Later on in the night, he comes over to me and says that they're all going to the other bar that we usually go to, and asks if we're gonna come. I say that we are getting our tabs then and then we'll be on our way.
We get to the other bar and he's of course in the middle of all the action, dancing with some of his girl friends (he has a lot of those). I don't worry about these girls because I think they all have boyfriends, and I've known about them for a while anyway, so whatever. But it makes it awkward when I don't really know them, and M is with them, for me to go over to M and start dancing with him. So we kinda don't say much to each other at this point. Okay, the bar is getting ready to close and M is leaving. He tells me before he leaves where they're all going, so of course J and I go there after we pay the tab. There's about 12 of us at this place, with tables shoved together to make one big table to sit at. M is on the other side of the table and, according to J (who is drunk by this point, so who knows if she was right), he keeps looking over at me. Well at the end of the night, when we're waiting for our checks, I get up to go to the bathroom and I see M look over at me, and I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he watches me walk across the restaurant. Finally, I look over at him, make eye contact, and wink at him. He smiles and winks back. But other than that... nothing. So we pay and get ready to leave and I go say goodbye to him and he says he'll talk to me soon and gives me a hug.
It's just confusing. Does he like me or not? At this point I almost don't care one way or the other, I'd just like to know. Obviously I'd rather him like me, but if he doesn't, that's cool, I just want to know instead of feeling like there's mixed messages. And maybe there really isn't mixed messages. Maybe I'm reading too much into the "friendly" things he does and he really does only like me as a friend. Although J told me earlier that night that B had told her that M never takes girls home, so he must really like me since he took me home that night. Okay, if that's the case then what happened? Cuz he's not acting interested anymore since then. Maybe I just create drama to try and make my life seem more interesting than it really is.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Smitten
Well here I am with updates. Turns out, this last guy who I had developed what I thought was a harmless crush on... well apparently I'm "smitten" with him. Who knew?! I'll tell you who knew... apparently all my friends. I discovered this after last Saturday. we hadn't seen each other since we slept together, and like I said in my last post, I had texted him once during the week and never heard from him. Well the bar was unusually pack when we got there Saturday night, and my friend and I were quite anxious about seeing the boys (her story is probably more complicated than my own, and I think I will blog about it sometime cuz I need some help in trying to deal with it... confusing, no?). So we get there, I make eye contact with my guy, but he was all the way through the crowd near the pool tables at the back of the bar. So we decide to go to the bar first to get drinks. We get there, wait a ridiculous 15 minutes or so before actually getting served, and in the meantime convince a couple guys to give up their seats for us. Well once we had seats at the bars, we didn't want to move, so we waited there figuring the guys would come talk to us.
(I think I will start inserting initials for the people in this story from now on to make it a little less confusing. No garauntee that's going to work though, especially since many people have names that start witht he same letter, so I'm going to make up some of these initials and hope I keep them straight for the entire length of the post).
Okay so me and my friend J are sitting there at the bar. M (the guy I was crushing on) goes to the other side of the bar and gets drinks. Next thing we know, M and B (the guy my friend J likes) and all their friends are a couple feet behind us, watching the UFC fights on the big screen. We were also coincidentally watching these same fights because... well mostly cuz that's what was on, but also because the guys who gave up their seats at the bar told us they would buy us shots if the guys we picked to win the fights actually won. Free shots, always a plus. Anyway, M's brother D was actually the first of the group to come say hello to us. Moments later, M was buying more drinks at the bar and made eye contact with me. He smiled and waved. I smiled and waved. We each went back to our business. At some point, he does come over and say hi to me and J and so does B. Basically though, M was acted more distant than he had been the past couple weeks, which was weird. And so I proceeded to get wasted.
I don't like to be ignored, especially by a guy I have a crush on who I slept with the last time I saw him. And yeah he wasn't really ignoring me, but he wasn't being himself with me either. Now maybe he was upset that I didn't say hi to him right away when I got there since he saw me come in. Maybe he didn't like seeing other guys paying attention to me and buying me drinks (I learned later that he is definitely the jealous type and has trust issues). Maybe he was just wasted as hell also. But whatever the reason, I don't like being ignored. Which to me apparently means I need to do multiple jagerbombs (I don't even know how many, I lost count) along with several beers, and at least 2 other different types of shots. Being this wasted and being ignored meant that I thought it was a good idea to not only drive to the place we were all going for food, but also to have M's brother D ride with me (his idea, btw) and make out with him. Maybe it's just something about that family?
Regardless, I'm not concerned that M is going to find out about this because they are not the type of family who talks to each other about their sex lives (thankfully) and because D is currently trying to work things out with his ex-wife. So he's not gonna be broadcasting that he made out with me. It was not a smart move, but this is what multiple jagerbombs do to my judgement.
Anyway, fast-forward to my drive home, where I was so upset about M that I called my ex-boyfriend in Miami, G, and cried to him for an hour. I was still upset the next day, so I talked to J about it, stating that I must like M more than I realized since I was so sad about him ignoring me. This is when she told me "Yeah you're completely smitten with him. I've known that for a couple weeks. I just thought you knew." Nope. I had no idea. If I thought I actually liked him I don't think I would have slept with him when I did. Later on, when I'm relaying this story (and the story of the night's events) to my friend S, she also said that she knew I liked M. Isn't it a friend's job to tell me that I actually like a guy?! I was totally blindsided by this information. And now I'm more stressed about it.
Well I wrote M an email the following day, lighthearted and breezy, saying that the night before had been crazy (especially for him since he was so drunk that he almost got kicked out of the bar and actually did get kicked out of 3 food places) and if he still wanted to see a movie soemtime I was up for it, and otherwise it was J's bday next weekend, so hopefully they'd come out in celebration. Never got a response from that. Then last night, my friend S and I go out to a bar for country night (the same place I met the young ex, T, in October and coincidentally the place I met M back in November). Well M was there again. I got a drink and immediately headed over to say hi to him, just in case that's why he was ignoring me on Saturday. He acts friendly, but doesn't really talk too much to me. S and I wander off for a while. Later on, M runs into us, throws his arm around my shoulder, I put mine around his waist, and we stand there talking a couple minutes. He then says he has to make a couple calls and then he's coming back with shots for us, which he does. So then we hang out with him and his friend C for a while at the bar but I'm kinda all over the place, not wanting to seem too into him since he doesn't seem too into me. Anyway, long story short, I go off dancing with this girl N, who I know from the bar, for a few minutes only to have S tell me that M and C left. Well great. At least I've seen him so Saturday at the bar for J's bday shouldn't be awkward.
Also, somewhat good news, maybe... this other guy at the bar last night, P, was all about me. He kept making eye contact with me, touching my back when he walked by. I mean to the point where my friend S even asked if I knew him. So after M left, I started talking to P and we exchanged numbers. He says he's going to call me on Thursday. He actually did call me after we left the bar to see if I wanted to continue drinking with him and his friend, but I declined. After all I did have to work today. So we'll see if he actually calls on Thursday.
(I think I will start inserting initials for the people in this story from now on to make it a little less confusing. No garauntee that's going to work though, especially since many people have names that start witht he same letter, so I'm going to make up some of these initials and hope I keep them straight for the entire length of the post).
Okay so me and my friend J are sitting there at the bar. M (the guy I was crushing on) goes to the other side of the bar and gets drinks. Next thing we know, M and B (the guy my friend J likes) and all their friends are a couple feet behind us, watching the UFC fights on the big screen. We were also coincidentally watching these same fights because... well mostly cuz that's what was on, but also because the guys who gave up their seats at the bar told us they would buy us shots if the guys we picked to win the fights actually won. Free shots, always a plus. Anyway, M's brother D was actually the first of the group to come say hello to us. Moments later, M was buying more drinks at the bar and made eye contact with me. He smiled and waved. I smiled and waved. We each went back to our business. At some point, he does come over and say hi to me and J and so does B. Basically though, M was acted more distant than he had been the past couple weeks, which was weird. And so I proceeded to get wasted.
I don't like to be ignored, especially by a guy I have a crush on who I slept with the last time I saw him. And yeah he wasn't really ignoring me, but he wasn't being himself with me either. Now maybe he was upset that I didn't say hi to him right away when I got there since he saw me come in. Maybe he didn't like seeing other guys paying attention to me and buying me drinks (I learned later that he is definitely the jealous type and has trust issues). Maybe he was just wasted as hell also. But whatever the reason, I don't like being ignored. Which to me apparently means I need to do multiple jagerbombs (I don't even know how many, I lost count) along with several beers, and at least 2 other different types of shots. Being this wasted and being ignored meant that I thought it was a good idea to not only drive to the place we were all going for food, but also to have M's brother D ride with me (his idea, btw) and make out with him. Maybe it's just something about that family?
Regardless, I'm not concerned that M is going to find out about this because they are not the type of family who talks to each other about their sex lives (thankfully) and because D is currently trying to work things out with his ex-wife. So he's not gonna be broadcasting that he made out with me. It was not a smart move, but this is what multiple jagerbombs do to my judgement.
Anyway, fast-forward to my drive home, where I was so upset about M that I called my ex-boyfriend in Miami, G, and cried to him for an hour. I was still upset the next day, so I talked to J about it, stating that I must like M more than I realized since I was so sad about him ignoring me. This is when she told me "Yeah you're completely smitten with him. I've known that for a couple weeks. I just thought you knew." Nope. I had no idea. If I thought I actually liked him I don't think I would have slept with him when I did. Later on, when I'm relaying this story (and the story of the night's events) to my friend S, she also said that she knew I liked M. Isn't it a friend's job to tell me that I actually like a guy?! I was totally blindsided by this information. And now I'm more stressed about it.
Well I wrote M an email the following day, lighthearted and breezy, saying that the night before had been crazy (especially for him since he was so drunk that he almost got kicked out of the bar and actually did get kicked out of 3 food places) and if he still wanted to see a movie soemtime I was up for it, and otherwise it was J's bday next weekend, so hopefully they'd come out in celebration. Never got a response from that. Then last night, my friend S and I go out to a bar for country night (the same place I met the young ex, T, in October and coincidentally the place I met M back in November). Well M was there again. I got a drink and immediately headed over to say hi to him, just in case that's why he was ignoring me on Saturday. He acts friendly, but doesn't really talk too much to me. S and I wander off for a while. Later on, M runs into us, throws his arm around my shoulder, I put mine around his waist, and we stand there talking a couple minutes. He then says he has to make a couple calls and then he's coming back with shots for us, which he does. So then we hang out with him and his friend C for a while at the bar but I'm kinda all over the place, not wanting to seem too into him since he doesn't seem too into me. Anyway, long story short, I go off dancing with this girl N, who I know from the bar, for a few minutes only to have S tell me that M and C left. Well great. At least I've seen him so Saturday at the bar for J's bday shouldn't be awkward.
Also, somewhat good news, maybe... this other guy at the bar last night, P, was all about me. He kept making eye contact with me, touching my back when he walked by. I mean to the point where my friend S even asked if I knew him. So after M left, I started talking to P and we exchanged numbers. He says he's going to call me on Thursday. He actually did call me after we left the bar to see if I wanted to continue drinking with him and his friend, but I declined. After all I did have to work today. So we'll see if he actually calls on Thursday.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Self-Realization
Okay, so I haven't posted in just about forever. My apologies. I wish I could say it was because fabulous things were keeping me busy, but that's not the case. I think I just got lazy. But it's a month into the new year, and I vow to be better. Although I should point out that I've already broken most of my new year's resolutions, so who knows if this one will stick either.
So quick updates... the most recent ex (the younger one, the one who I had the most brief "relationship" with of my adult life), he still comes around. For a while I was hanging onto hope that things would work out. I missed the way he treated me when he first met me, and I wanted that back. Ultimately I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. I knew that from the beginning. I even told my friends that. And yet I still wanted to try and work things out, just so I wouldn't be alone. Now that I'm over that, he and I have somewhat of a friends with benefits type of thing going on. It doesn't happen too often, but I'm not opposed to sex with him every once in a while as long as I'm single. I do, however, have a bit of a crush on this other guy. I met him back in November, and we have become friends throughout the weeks. We always drink at the same bar, with our respective friends, on Saturdays and end up talking, drinking, and dancing together. The past couple weeks, we've also grabbed food after the bar closed together with our friends. This past weekend, I ended up back at his house and we slept together.
Here's the issue. He is hard to figure out. Does he like me? Does he just want to hook up with me? Does he just see me as a friend, but goes along with things because I'm persuing him? At times he seems into me. He has a lot of friends that are girls who he doesn't hook up with, and yet he slept with me. And he's the one who kissed me first. (Sidenote: he is an incredible kisser. I'm talking, first kiss and I had major butterflies. That does not happen for me often. I think only 3 other guys in my life have given me butterflies just by kissing). On the other hand, however, the past two weeks he and I have made plans to go see a movie together, and both times he cancelled. Well, actually, that's being nice. Both times, he just didn't call. The first time, I didn't call him. The second time, I sent him a text asking if he still wanted to see a movie that night, and I got no response. WTF?! Now, I can see him saying these things and making plans like that hoping to get me into bed. But the last time he said it was the next morning, after having slept with me. Why would he say it then if he had no intentions of following through?
One of his friends told my friend that if I liked this guy, the way I needed to act was be into him, show him a bunch of attention, and then all of a sudden act like I'm not interested in him anymore cuz he likes the chase. I HATE GAMES. Why couldn't the games have been left in high school? If I like you, you'll know it. If I sleep with you, I like you. I'm not gonna ignore you if I like you in hopes that it will make me seem more mysterious. I know guys like the chase. And I'm not saying that I'm calling him or texting him all the time. In fact, I've only called him once (when he told me to, so he knew I made it home safely, which was before we slept together) and texted him once, to ask about the movie. Other than that, I basically leave him alone until we see each other at the bar on the weekends. And even then, I usually say hi to him, give him a hug, and then hang out with my friends. It's not until we're both pretty tipsy, and dancing together, that I even start to become flirty.
So the thing is this... I know he really isn't right for me either. Like the younger guy I dated, I don't think that this guy and I have a lot in common. Plus, he has three kids (one was kind of an accident when he was younger, and the other two are from a previous marriage). I want kids of my own. I know that. And I want at least 2, AT LEAST. I'm pretty sure that any guy who already has 3 kids is not gonna want another 2 or 3 with me. And that is a deal-breaker for me.
I was laying in bed last night, overanalyzing everything about this whole mess. I often overanalyze about my life. But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I keep picking guys I don't see a future with to date/hook up with/crush on/etc. because I won't get hurt this way. I am still so heart-broken over the ex (the serious one I've mentioned previously) and I curently think that the only way to prevent feeling this way again is by never getting close enough to be hurt. And I prevent getting close to anyone by choosing guys who aren't good for me. Now maybe this is partly because I haven't met anyone who I do think would be good for me, but I think most of it is self-sabatoge. I do want to find a good guy. One who wants the same things as me. One who will want to be with me and only me forever. But maybe I'm still just not ready for that. So in the meantime, I'll keep picking these guys who I see no future with to protect myself. The only problem is that even though I see no future with these guys, they still drive me crazy! lol
So quick updates... the most recent ex (the younger one, the one who I had the most brief "relationship" with of my adult life), he still comes around. For a while I was hanging onto hope that things would work out. I missed the way he treated me when he first met me, and I wanted that back. Ultimately I knew he wasn't the right guy for me. I knew that from the beginning. I even told my friends that. And yet I still wanted to try and work things out, just so I wouldn't be alone. Now that I'm over that, he and I have somewhat of a friends with benefits type of thing going on. It doesn't happen too often, but I'm not opposed to sex with him every once in a while as long as I'm single. I do, however, have a bit of a crush on this other guy. I met him back in November, and we have become friends throughout the weeks. We always drink at the same bar, with our respective friends, on Saturdays and end up talking, drinking, and dancing together. The past couple weeks, we've also grabbed food after the bar closed together with our friends. This past weekend, I ended up back at his house and we slept together.
Here's the issue. He is hard to figure out. Does he like me? Does he just want to hook up with me? Does he just see me as a friend, but goes along with things because I'm persuing him? At times he seems into me. He has a lot of friends that are girls who he doesn't hook up with, and yet he slept with me. And he's the one who kissed me first. (Sidenote: he is an incredible kisser. I'm talking, first kiss and I had major butterflies. That does not happen for me often. I think only 3 other guys in my life have given me butterflies just by kissing). On the other hand, however, the past two weeks he and I have made plans to go see a movie together, and both times he cancelled. Well, actually, that's being nice. Both times, he just didn't call. The first time, I didn't call him. The second time, I sent him a text asking if he still wanted to see a movie that night, and I got no response. WTF?! Now, I can see him saying these things and making plans like that hoping to get me into bed. But the last time he said it was the next morning, after having slept with me. Why would he say it then if he had no intentions of following through?
One of his friends told my friend that if I liked this guy, the way I needed to act was be into him, show him a bunch of attention, and then all of a sudden act like I'm not interested in him anymore cuz he likes the chase. I HATE GAMES. Why couldn't the games have been left in high school? If I like you, you'll know it. If I sleep with you, I like you. I'm not gonna ignore you if I like you in hopes that it will make me seem more mysterious. I know guys like the chase. And I'm not saying that I'm calling him or texting him all the time. In fact, I've only called him once (when he told me to, so he knew I made it home safely, which was before we slept together) and texted him once, to ask about the movie. Other than that, I basically leave him alone until we see each other at the bar on the weekends. And even then, I usually say hi to him, give him a hug, and then hang out with my friends. It's not until we're both pretty tipsy, and dancing together, that I even start to become flirty.
So the thing is this... I know he really isn't right for me either. Like the younger guy I dated, I don't think that this guy and I have a lot in common. Plus, he has three kids (one was kind of an accident when he was younger, and the other two are from a previous marriage). I want kids of my own. I know that. And I want at least 2, AT LEAST. I'm pretty sure that any guy who already has 3 kids is not gonna want another 2 or 3 with me. And that is a deal-breaker for me.
I was laying in bed last night, overanalyzing everything about this whole mess. I often overanalyze about my life. But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I keep picking guys I don't see a future with to date/hook up with/crush on/etc. because I won't get hurt this way. I am still so heart-broken over the ex (the serious one I've mentioned previously) and I curently think that the only way to prevent feeling this way again is by never getting close enough to be hurt. And I prevent getting close to anyone by choosing guys who aren't good for me. Now maybe this is partly because I haven't met anyone who I do think would be good for me, but I think most of it is self-sabatoge. I do want to find a good guy. One who wants the same things as me. One who will want to be with me and only me forever. But maybe I'm still just not ready for that. So in the meantime, I'll keep picking these guys who I see no future with to protect myself. The only problem is that even though I see no future with these guys, they still drive me crazy! lol
Monday, November 19, 2007
birthday weekend
Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now an older 20-something. I've always been one to kinda embrace my birthday, celebrate, not care about turning another year older. This year was the first time that I was really not looking forward to it. I think that I've finally gotten to that point where I realize how different my life is than what I thought it would be at this age. Or maybe it's just the first time in recent years where there was just nothing really exciting going on. Last year I was dating a wonderful man (well I thought he was wonderful at the time at least) who took my to Mexico for my birthday (well two weeks before my birthday for a friend's wedding, but still he paid for the whole thing and it was the large part of my birthday present from him). The year before that I was a month away from moving back home and was really looking forward to what the year ahead was going to hold for me. This year... well I'm single and no major life events are going on. I really thought that at my age now I would at least be dating the guy I was going to marry and be well on the path towards a family. Now I realize I have a lot to be thankful for and generally speaking I have a great life. I own my own house, I have a good job with good pay, I have a wonderful family who, for the most part, live in the same city as me, and I have good friends who are always there for me if I need them. And yet I still want that something more. iw as talking to my mom one day and started getting a little emotional about the whole birthday thing and she told me I just needed to sit down and really figure out what I want from life and how to go about getting it. Well what I really want from life is a good man. One who wants to settle down and have a family with me. One who isn't always going to be looking for the next best thing. And I've tried everything I know to meet those types of guys and I can't find them anywhere. I know I'm still young enough to get everything I want out of life, but still my biological clock is starting to tick. And yeah, I've stated before that I don't really need a man for anything... which I still think is true. But not needing one and not wanting one are two different things. I know that everyone always says that once you stop looking that's when you'll find someone, but that's easier said than done.
Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.
So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.
Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.
So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.
Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.
So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.
Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.
So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Men are jerks
Okay... so I don't know how long this post will be since I'm supposed to be heading off to lunch soon before seeing patients all afternoon, but here goes nothing...
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.
So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.
So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.
So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.
Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.
Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.
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