A brief politics discussion

I don't talk about politics to anyone. Ever. I don't think it's anyone's business who I'm voting for, or even whether I'm voting at all...

(Okay, fine, just so I don't get a bunch of comments telling me how important it is that I vote, I will at least say that I do plan on voting in this upcoming election. There. Happy?)

Anyway, I don't even talk to my parents about politics. I think that generally any discussion about politics can lead to heated debates, and I'm just not that interested in arguing with someone knowing that neither person will change their opinion. So I don't discuss it. That being said...

I think McCain's rumored (or maybe it's not a rumor anymore and it's actual fact) running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is an interesting choice. Now, understand that I'm saying that not knowing anything about her or her views. Literally it was just the fact that the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was, "I wonder if he's choosing her in hopes that former Hilary supporters will just be happy having a woman in the White House as vice president and that will lead him to get more votes." Thoughts about that? Did anyone else think the same thing?

Okay, that's more politics than I usually discuss in about 4 years time, so I'm done.

(And for the record, just because I don't discuss politics does not mean I'm not informed!)

Aww, shucks

I want to thank my wonderful friends (both those I know personally and those I don't) for the kind words of support. It means a lot to me. And now, back to business...


The wonderful rialeilani gave me an award! It was exactly what I needed to make me smile on a day that was otherwise grey and raining.





I'm going to pass it along to chickbug, because she and her chicks are awesome. I'll post more later.

A little perspective

I was all set to update everyone on the dating life, the lack of Boston meetings despite both our best efforts this past weekend. (Okay, maybe not our best efforts. I'd like to think our best efforts would actually end with us meeting up.) And I will get to this, in another post. I promise. But then, life got in the way.

My maternal grandfather was just diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Apparently, there is not generally a good prognosis with this type of cancer, as it usually is not detected until it's in a late stage. He's going to the oncologist sometime this week and we should know more after that.

He's 92 years old, so most likely they won't do too much in the way of treatment. Maybe some radiation. He's actually handling this extremely well. Of course this is coming from a man who planned out his life budget so that he'd be broke he turned 100, because he saw no reason to live past that age. So he's always been okay with death.

Unfortunately, I think the rest of us will have a harder time. My father's parents both passed away when I was in high school, so it's not like we haven't had to deal with it in the past, but it's never easy. I don't want him to die.

I will say that something like this does always put things in perspective. My dating life is not a matter of life or death. Finding a man is not a matter of life or death. Cancer is.

Bored and lonely

I debating about writing about this cuz I don't want to sound crazy, but I figured what the hell. I probably already sound cray to most anyone who reads this anyway.

So, I had a moment last night. It really felt like my heart hurt so badly. The sorrow kinda hurt, not the actual pain hurt. Nothing in particular happened. I think lately I've been feeling a little more lonely and it got the best of me for some reason. Or maybe I'm just bored. Sometimes I think bored and lonely can go hand in hand. I mean, when I'm doing something by myself at home and enjoying it, then I don't care if I'm alone. But when I'm not really doing anything and alone, then I think too much. And my thoughts get the best of me.

Don't get me wrong. I love living alone. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone. Not having to clean up after myself right away. Not having to sacrifice what I want to watch on TV. But sometimes its nice to have someone else there. I can literally go for more than a day (on the weekends) without talking to anyone. Most evenings that I'm home, I don't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I do things. But lately the nights I'm not doing anything, the loneliness is palpable.

I'm trying to come up with things to do. Ways to keep myself busy. I figure if I can fix the boredom, then maybe the loneliness will follow suit.

The definition of rambling

I don't have much to say today, which is bad news for everyone, since it means I will probably end up spitting out a lot of nonsense that is only semi-related to each other. And it will probably go on way longer than it needs to. Let's see, what should I start with...

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. And I mean that in the good way. I mean, he's not the cutest, but his swimming ability is insane and he looks phenomenol half naked. I enjoyed watching every single one of his races. The sad thing is that the things I look forward to most in the Summer Olympics are just about over. The swimming, gymnastics, and diving are really the ones I like the most. Track and field somewhat, but not as much as the other things I mentioned. so back in 1996, when the Olympics were in Atlanta, my family went to some of the events (which? Was awesome). Regardless, I was super bummed that we hadn't managed to get any tickets to see the gymnastics. So there we are, wandering around in between events when my parents start talking to another family. No, we didn't know them. No, we'd never seen them before. No, we had no reason to expect they were a nice, normal family (except maybe the fact that they had some kids too). Somehow they mention they have an extra ticket to the gymnastics, and the next thing I knew I'm off watching gymnastics by myself with some strange family. My parents actually let me go with complete strangers! And this was before cell phones. Granted I was 16 at the time, but still! Luckily, the family was just a very nice family and not a bunch of serial killers stalking teenage girls. But seriously, you know this wouldn't happen in this day and age. How times have changed...

Football starts soon. I'm way excited. Possibly for no other reason then it gives me something to do on Saturdays (and Sundays, but I'm much more into college football than NFL). I mean, I could seriously sit on my couch all day Saturday watching one football game after another. On into the night. By myself or with others, drinking or sober. Doesn't really matter. Which is good because right now Saturday night is the only time I feel a little lonely. I can be home with my dog doing nothing any night of the week, but on Saturday nights I feel alone and like a loser if I'm not out doing something. That was the case this past weekend. And granted, sometimes it's nice to have a Saturday night to myself. But only if I choose it. I was supposed to go out with S Saturday night, but something came up with her and by that time it was too late to try and make plans with someone else. Maybe that's why it was lonlier. Expecting to be going out and then not at the last minute can be a bit disheartening I guess. Anyway, this is why I'm looking forward to football season.

Boston continues to be the definition of mixed signals. Again, he always answers my texts or phone calls, or at the very least calls me back. And does so usually the same day. Yet we still haven't gotten together again, and its been over two weeks since we've hung out. Thursday night I called him. He was out at a bar with his softball team, and yet answered the phone. We chatted a couple minutes and he said he'd call me back when he left there. Which he did. He was at a friend's house and said, "I'd say you should come over here, but it's kinda late..." I then mentioned that I didn't have to work the next day, but he didn't take the bait and actually invite me over. And I wasn't gonna be all "Well I can come over, it's not that late." Then I texted him Friday night after my softball game telling him good luck at volleyball (the two of us are quite sporty, aren't we?!) and to call me later if he ended up doing anything. Well he texts me around 11:30 saying he was just hanging out at home watching the Olympics. By that time I was playing poker with my softball team so after texting back and forth for a bit I asked him if he wanted me to call him the next day if I did anything, and didn't get a response. So who knows what he's thinking. I would think if he wasn't interested he wouldn't still be answering my texts and phone calls. Of course I would think that if he was interested he would make more of an effort to want to see me again. Anytime we talk we always make vague references to getting together, but it just never works out. All I know is that I'm about to just give up. Although I have no other prospects and it's not like it's hurting anything to stay in contact. I don't know...

I went to a couple farmer's markets on Saturday with my mom. I loved it and think I should start making a habit of going more often. The produce is all locally grown and so inexpensive! It also made me want to have a vegetable garden. I do have a couple tomato plants this year, which is great, but I'd like more things. Luckily for me, my mom does have a vegetable garden so I get a lot of things from her.

Okay I guess I've done enough rambling for today. I wish I had more of a focus on something to talk about. I still feel like I'm in a funk, but now kinda with everything rather than just dating. I want to mix things up. Just gotta figure out how.

Dreams and Boston

I had this dream last night about The Reason. I woke up this morning extremely grumpy. I don't think this is a coincidence. In the dream he was living with his new girlfriend and things for them were all hunky-dory (where did that term originate anyway? I may have to do some investigative research). It was bad enough that they were happy and in love while I was still single and bitter, but they also were living next to my brother who had become friends with them! And so when I thought I was going to spend time with him, there they were. It was like I couldn't get away from them.

So why did I wake up grumpy about this dream? Cuz I just don't want to think about him anymore. I know that every relationship teaches you something about yourself and what you really want out of life, but I just don't want to keep remembering him. I'm over him. I've moved on. I don't want him back. But at the same time, I don't want to think about him. Ever. Maybe this means that I'm not as over him as I think I am? I don't think so. I think there are still aspects about the break-up that hurt. Like how quickly he moved on and how it obviously wasn't just a rebound since he's still with her a year later. Like him just disappearing out of my life so quickly without even a glance back. Like the fact that he wanted to be single and I wanted a relationship, and yet here we are... him in a relationship and me single. But honestly? Day in and day out, I generally don't think about him. I'm too busy trying to figure out the other men in my life. I move through my day just fine without thought of him. So I wish my unconscious state would just do the same.

Speaking of those other men in my life? Boston. Here's my problem... I don't know how to date a shy guy, and Boston seems kinda shy. I've always dated either the center of attention, life of the party types, or the bad boy, "I don't give a fuck what you think about me" types. Because really, I like being the one who's quieter, the one who's pursued, in the relationship. And yet, every time I talk to Boston, it's because I've called or texted him. I can't tell if he likes me or wishes I would just leave him alone but is too polite to say that to me. We haven't seen each other in about a week and a half and have no current plans to get together either. But whenever I text him, he responds. Or if I call him, he either answers or calls back. When I talked to him last Saturday, he said he was planning on just staying in that night but that if he went out he'd call me so we could meet up.

I guess I'm at this place with him where I don't know what to do. There's part of me that says, "If he was into you, he would take the time to initiate a phone call or make plans with you. And since he hasn't, then just move on." But there's this other part of me that says, "He's a good guy, he's just shy. You don't want to miss out a good guy just because he isn't the one who calls you. He does always respond to you, so it isn't like he's ignoring you." But I don't know if that just sounds like me making excuses for him. And honestly I don't know if I really feel like it's a big deal that I'm always the one to initiate the phone calls or if it's just something I'm not used to. I guess for the time being I'll probably continue to call (okay that makes me sound like a stalker or something... I think I really only call him like once a week, maybe twice if we've talked and made potential plans for later in the week. I don't call every day or anything!) and then maybe next time we hang out bring it up somehow. Thoughts? Suggestions? Words of wisdom?

A little more light-hearted

First, I want to say I'm sorry I was being a Negative Nancy yesterday. Like I said, I'm in a funk. But I'm working on improving that. I think I'm going to just let go of it all and any time I find myself getting all stressed out about some stupid boy, I'm going to take a deep breath and remind myself that if he wants me in his life, he will find a way to put me there. And if not, it's his loss.

(Easier said than done, but we'll see).

Today I have a confession. Of epic proportions. (Okay, maybe not, but it intrigued you all a little bit more having said that, didn't it?) I have a crush on... Chris Brown.

(You know, the singer).

This is an entirely inappropriate crush, given that he is what? 17 years old or something? I just can't help it. Anytime I hear his voice on my radio, I swoon a little. His newest song "Forever" is currently gracing my myspace page. I think it's cuz he tends to sing songs that I would like for some stupid boy to sing to me... the lyrics get me every time. He's definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. What about you? Any crushes that you want to admit to?

Sigh...

I'm in a dating funk. This post will probably not be too clear and/or be extremely rambling because I have a lot of thoughts about this right now that don't want to come out clearly. They all make perfect sense in my head though, so this is an attempt to try and let you into my head.

(Wow, that is a scary thought.)

I'm tired of dating. (How many times have I said that?) I'm also bad at it. (Again, how many times have I said that?) I feel like I've done a really good job getting out there and trying though. I've done the online thing, met friends of friends, met guys at bars, and gotten involved in the community (joined a young professionals group, playing on a softball team, took golf lessons, and volunteered at a local festival this past weekend). And yet, nothing. NOTHING!

Okay... maybe not nothing. There has been Bass, San Francisco, and Boston (I know he was only briefly mentioned, but he and I have hung out a couple times since then). But still, nothing long-term and lasting. And I just feel like I've done everything I can think of, and if none of that is working, then maybe I really am destined to be single forever.

Part of me wants to just stop trying. I mean, there is the school of thought that says "It'll happen when you stop looking." Problem being that I've always been a hopeless romantic, which means I like to side with the school of thought that says "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince." I think that's why I've held on so long... I don't want to give up because what if I miss out on someone because I've stopped looking. I'm torn. I just feel like I'm tired of playing the dating games. I'm tired of waiting around for a guy to call when he says he will. I'm tired of wondering if each guy I meet might be the right one for me. I'm tired of not having someone.

I want someone to appreciate all I have to offer. I want someone who wants to spend time with me. I want to find the one who just fits. I want someone to celebrate holidays with. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Some days are harder than others. Maybe I've just had more of those harder days lately. Maybe I'm just lonely.

I don't know which way to turn. It's not that I'm not happy. I generally am. I have great friends and family. I appreciate everything I have. I just feel like there's a part of me missing. There's a hole inside me. And I don't know how to fix it.