Hockey and Juice

I went to a hockey game last night. My mom got two tickets as a thank you from a dentist she refers patients to, and gave them to me. The seats were excellent... right behind the goal in the third row. Now, I don't know much about hockey (or really anything at all) but let me tell you that this is the only way to watch a hockey game. You can actually see what's going on, players hit the glass right in front of you, and also sometimes hit each other right in front of you! It's just a really fun experience. But here's the real reason I wanted to go in the first place...

I happen to know that a lot of the guys I played softball with last summer work events at the arena to raise money. This obviously would include Juice (you can read about him in the archives, starting at the end of last October... there were way too many posts about him to figure out how best to get the background info out there if you don't already know). I did not know for sure if he would be there last night... I just knew that it would be my best opportunity to possibly see him. So I went.

I can't lie. I still think about him all the time. Hmm, maybe not all the time... but at least once a day, a song will remind me of him or something. Usually I just roll with it and move on. But I do still miss him. I still wish he was in my life. I still don't understand why he isn't. I still want him as a friend if it can't be anything more than that. But it wasn't until I saw him last night that I realized how much these things were true. I saw him, and my heart dropped.

We interacted a couple of times and things were as great as usual between us, considering I hadn't seen him or heard from him in about 3 months. (BTW, has it really already been 3 months since I last saw him? Flipping crazy.) I won't get into all the details of he said this and then I said this and then he said... it was all just friendly banter and discussing playing softball again this summer (which he does claim he's going to do, we'll see). And then when I went and said goodbye to him, he told me he would call me "sometime next week." Again, we'll see. I know from past experience that he won't. There's maybe a 5% chance of him actually calling. (Because I like making up odds).

And yet, the naive girl in me still wants to believe. She will hold out hope that I will get a call from him. She will do her best each day to keep from thinking about him, but when she goes to bed at night, she will be sad that once again, her phone didn't ring where his voice was on the other end. The adult woman knows that I should put him out of my mind and not think about him again. Because then she won't hurt when he doesn't call. She won't have her hopes up.

I tell myself that I'm not waiting for him. That I just haven't found anyone else to occupy my time. But maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Maybe I'm unconsciously waiting. Maybe I need to get back onto eHarmony and meet guys there. At least then there's potential to meet others who might help me stop wishing Juice was the one.