Lately I've been... well, I don't know. And that's the problem. Things in my life are going well... I've stopped focusing on men and trying to find a decent one to date (mostly because I'm pretty sure they only exist in fairy tales, but that is completely besides the point), work has kept me fairly busy, I've been spending time with friends and family, and also spending some good quality me-time with, well myself, and I've been exercising more.
And yet, I feel like there's something missing. To the point that I feel almost anxious about things. There is absolutely nothing for me to be anxious about right now (well, almost nothing... there's still the whole thing with my grandpa, but there isn't anything I can physically do about that), and yet I sorta do. Or maybe I'm just feeling restless. I can't tell. There's just this uneasiness.
I almost wish there was something going on that I could pinpoint as being the source of this restless feeling. This feeling that something's missing. That I want more. If I could figure out what it was that I was really feeling, I could do something about it. Not knowing the reasons behind the feelings make it a hell of a lot harder to make a change for the better. I guess all I can do right now is hope that these feelings resolve. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Stupid cable company
I hate change. I will go into any change kicking and screaming. I like things to stay nice and even, and if they must change, gradual change is preferred. Or if it's something that is going to change, I like to know about it well ahead of time so I can mentally prepare myself for the newness of what's to come. I'm also really bad about making decisions. I will make list after list, trying to look at the decision from all sides. I will debate for weeks, going back and forth, until finally I absolutely HAVE to make a decision. I know these things about myself, and accept them graciously as part of my personality. More importantly, my family and friends know these things about me and somehow still love me.
So imagine my stress when I found out that my cable company may no longer show the CW. WHAT?! No more Gossip Girl? No More 90210? No more America's Next Top Model? I was informed of this by the CW (on a commercial) about a month ago, saying that effective October 2, Time Warner may not renew their contract. This stressed me out. What is a girl who doesn't like change or making decision going to do? I wrote Time Warner an email, asking them to reconsider and got a response to the effect of "usually these things work themselves out." That? Did not make me feel any better. So finally today, after weeks of debating, I decided to switch cable, internet, and phone providers. AT&T was already almost 2 weeks out in new installations, so I was concerned that if I waited until the 2nd, then I'd miss two weeks of shows, whereas if I did it now, I'd probably only miss one. Plus, I'm getting this new U-verse thing from AT&T, which is going to give me more channels, faster internet, and the ability to record 4 shows at once (as well as the CW) for slightly less than I was already paying. The decision seems pretty clear-cut when I put it that way, but man did I get agitated about it. The constant questions: What if I don't like the new service? What if it's more of a pain to get someone out to install something new? What if Time Warner does renew the contract and lowers my rates? What if... you get the picture.
I try to be better about not stressing out about small things like this, but it's hard.
So imagine my stress when I found out that my cable company may no longer show the CW. WHAT?! No more Gossip Girl? No More 90210? No more America's Next Top Model? I was informed of this by the CW (on a commercial) about a month ago, saying that effective October 2, Time Warner may not renew their contract. This stressed me out. What is a girl who doesn't like change or making decision going to do? I wrote Time Warner an email, asking them to reconsider and got a response to the effect of "usually these things work themselves out." That? Did not make me feel any better. So finally today, after weeks of debating, I decided to switch cable, internet, and phone providers. AT&T was already almost 2 weeks out in new installations, so I was concerned that if I waited until the 2nd, then I'd miss two weeks of shows, whereas if I did it now, I'd probably only miss one. Plus, I'm getting this new U-verse thing from AT&T, which is going to give me more channels, faster internet, and the ability to record 4 shows at once (as well as the CW) for slightly less than I was already paying. The decision seems pretty clear-cut when I put it that way, but man did I get agitated about it. The constant questions: What if I don't like the new service? What if it's more of a pain to get someone out to install something new? What if Time Warner does renew the contract and lowers my rates? What if... you get the picture.
I try to be better about not stressing out about small things like this, but it's hard.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Outraged and celibate
I am seriously outraged by men currently. Okay, hold up. Maybe not seriously, since I've had a few days, about a week, to let this sink in. And really I'm outraged in behalf of a friend. No man has done anything to me recently. Mostly because I've taken a new vow of celibacy. Not really, but I'll get into that more in a minute.
I won't get into a lot of details, because it's her life and not mine, but I will give a brife explanation. My friend had been dating her boyfriend for several months. The past few months, he'd been a little more distant, and she thought it was just the whole thought process of, "Well now that she's mine, I don't have to try and impress her as much." (Which by the way, fellas? Not true!) Anyway, last week, she talks to her man early in the evening, he says he's at a store with his mom and he'll call her back, hanging up after telling her he loved her. A few hours later, she hasn't heard from him, so she calls him back. A girl answers the phone. My friend calls me and we meet up at a bar she knows her boyfriend goes to a lot. He's there with some girls. My friend confronts him, he denies anything is going on. Then, when we've turned away, he hides from us. While he's hiding, one of the girls comes up to us and says that he has been sleeping with her friend for 4 months. 4 MONTHS???!!!
What I don't get is why he would do this. If he started seeing another girl, then why not just break up with my friend? How can he still go on family vacations with her, spend time over at her house, go golfing with her stepfather, etc.? How can he still tell her every day that he loves her? Especially since she had asked him about a week before if he wanted to break up, since he was acting funny. And he said no. That he loved her and there was no one else. If he really loved her, how could he do that to her? Knowing that neither she nor I had a high respect for men when they started dating, and he heard us bitch about the stupid assholes all the time. How could he turn around and do something that awful? And the thing is that he probably would have kept it going if she hadn't caught him. F'ing ridiculous. I mean, I've had some guys do some seriously shitty things, but I think this takes the cake. Yeah, its similar to what the young ex did to me, but I had only known him a month. Not in a relationship with him for several months. Seriously, why are guys such assholes.
Which leads me to my (fake) celibacy. I decided a while ago that if nothing came from the whole Boston thing (btw, never heard from him again. oh well) that I was not sleeping with anyone for 6 months. I know that probably seems like nothing to some people, and I'm not a whore sleeping with everyone in sight or anything, but I enjoy sex. And I've been known to occasionally still sleep with my young ex from time to time as a release. But I mean it. Nothing until at least March. No birthday sex, no New Years sex, no Valentines day sex. No Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas sex (yeah, this is how I think. lol) I'm hoping this at least makes me forget about men, concentrate on other things. Everyone says it'll happen when you stop looking. Well, I've stopped. And after what happened to my friend, I'm not sure I'll ever start looking again.
I won't get into a lot of details, because it's her life and not mine, but I will give a brife explanation. My friend had been dating her boyfriend for several months. The past few months, he'd been a little more distant, and she thought it was just the whole thought process of, "Well now that she's mine, I don't have to try and impress her as much." (Which by the way, fellas? Not true!) Anyway, last week, she talks to her man early in the evening, he says he's at a store with his mom and he'll call her back, hanging up after telling her he loved her. A few hours later, she hasn't heard from him, so she calls him back. A girl answers the phone. My friend calls me and we meet up at a bar she knows her boyfriend goes to a lot. He's there with some girls. My friend confronts him, he denies anything is going on. Then, when we've turned away, he hides from us. While he's hiding, one of the girls comes up to us and says that he has been sleeping with her friend for 4 months. 4 MONTHS???!!!
What I don't get is why he would do this. If he started seeing another girl, then why not just break up with my friend? How can he still go on family vacations with her, spend time over at her house, go golfing with her stepfather, etc.? How can he still tell her every day that he loves her? Especially since she had asked him about a week before if he wanted to break up, since he was acting funny. And he said no. That he loved her and there was no one else. If he really loved her, how could he do that to her? Knowing that neither she nor I had a high respect for men when they started dating, and he heard us bitch about the stupid assholes all the time. How could he turn around and do something that awful? And the thing is that he probably would have kept it going if she hadn't caught him. F'ing ridiculous. I mean, I've had some guys do some seriously shitty things, but I think this takes the cake. Yeah, its similar to what the young ex did to me, but I had only known him a month. Not in a relationship with him for several months. Seriously, why are guys such assholes.
Which leads me to my (fake) celibacy. I decided a while ago that if nothing came from the whole Boston thing (btw, never heard from him again. oh well) that I was not sleeping with anyone for 6 months. I know that probably seems like nothing to some people, and I'm not a whore sleeping with everyone in sight or anything, but I enjoy sex. And I've been known to occasionally still sleep with my young ex from time to time as a release. But I mean it. Nothing until at least March. No birthday sex, no New Years sex, no Valentines day sex. No Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas sex (yeah, this is how I think. lol) I'm hoping this at least makes me forget about men, concentrate on other things. Everyone says it'll happen when you stop looking. Well, I've stopped. And after what happened to my friend, I'm not sure I'll ever start looking again.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I refuse to become MIA
I know I haven't written in a while, which I'm sincerely sorry about. We are changing our charting to all electronic at work, which has meant having to go to training sessions, watch online tutorials, and learn about the new computer system. That? Has not saved a lot of time for blogging. Not that I've had too much going on to blog about, which is probably the better reason that I haven't written in a while.
I'm also in charge of a new program at work. Since we are a health care provider, we feel that it is our duty to try and maintain a healthy image for our patients. We were told by the powers that be that we feel this way. I think most of us do, but don't necessarily do anything about it. So we all had our blood drawn to check for risk factors (high cholesterol, insulin, etc.), and were given pedometers to encourage us to be more active. Then I was told, "Why don't you create a walking challenge for us here at the office?" Why me, you may ask yourselves. Go ahead, I'll wait while you ask yourself...
Because I'm already in charge of an obesity program aimed at teaching kids healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm apparently the clear choice. So we're doing a Walk Across the United States challenge. Teams of four will combine their daily number of steps and try to make it to each of 10 cities. There will be small prizes for reaching the different cities, and a larger prize for being the first team to make it all the way across the country. There are also Game Changer cards (I know it's a stupid name, but it was the best I could do on short notice) that can effect the outcome, adding or subtracting steps for that day. We're also marking our progress on a map of the US.
So I spend all this time creating the game (which, btw, I don't even get to participate in) and what do I get? Complaints and whining. "When are we gonna find out our teams?" "I want you to draw for teams now." "We can't have all the doctors on the same team!" "Why did you redraw? I liked my old team better." "I don't want to be on a team with that person!" "Can we make trades, like in a draft?" "That's not fair!"
Seriously? And let me point out that I'm one of the youngest people in the office, so it isn't like these are a bunch of kids. The biggest complainers were all in their 40's or 50's. I've since added a penalty for complaining, whining, or bad attitudes.
I went to Office Max today to buy supplies for the game, specifically a cork board to put the map on as well as some push pins and a notebook to keep track of steps. And it was there that I made a sad realization. I haven't gone shopping in so long that random things at Office Max were looking like fun things to buy, just for the hell of it. Flowery folder, retractable colored pencils, post-its. Nothing that I have any need for at the moment. I'm clearly gonna have to go shopping for something fun ASAP.
Oh, and I've decided that since I couldn't participate on a team, I'm going to be walking across the US by myself. It may take me 3000 years to do it (I exaggerate), but I'll do it.
I'm also in charge of a new program at work. Since we are a health care provider, we feel that it is our duty to try and maintain a healthy image for our patients. We were told by the powers that be that we feel this way. I think most of us do, but don't necessarily do anything about it. So we all had our blood drawn to check for risk factors (high cholesterol, insulin, etc.), and were given pedometers to encourage us to be more active. Then I was told, "Why don't you create a walking challenge for us here at the office?" Why me, you may ask yourselves. Go ahead, I'll wait while you ask yourself...
Because I'm already in charge of an obesity program aimed at teaching kids healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm apparently the clear choice. So we're doing a Walk Across the United States challenge. Teams of four will combine their daily number of steps and try to make it to each of 10 cities. There will be small prizes for reaching the different cities, and a larger prize for being the first team to make it all the way across the country. There are also Game Changer cards (I know it's a stupid name, but it was the best I could do on short notice) that can effect the outcome, adding or subtracting steps for that day. We're also marking our progress on a map of the US.
So I spend all this time creating the game (which, btw, I don't even get to participate in) and what do I get? Complaints and whining. "When are we gonna find out our teams?" "I want you to draw for teams now." "We can't have all the doctors on the same team!" "Why did you redraw? I liked my old team better." "I don't want to be on a team with that person!" "Can we make trades, like in a draft?" "That's not fair!"
Seriously? And let me point out that I'm one of the youngest people in the office, so it isn't like these are a bunch of kids. The biggest complainers were all in their 40's or 50's. I've since added a penalty for complaining, whining, or bad attitudes.
I went to Office Max today to buy supplies for the game, specifically a cork board to put the map on as well as some push pins and a notebook to keep track of steps. And it was there that I made a sad realization. I haven't gone shopping in so long that random things at Office Max were looking like fun things to buy, just for the hell of it. Flowery folder, retractable colored pencils, post-its. Nothing that I have any need for at the moment. I'm clearly gonna have to go shopping for something fun ASAP.
Oh, and I've decided that since I couldn't participate on a team, I'm going to be walking across the US by myself. It may take me 3000 years to do it (I exaggerate), but I'll do it.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Brief Hurricane Thoughts (no, not my football team)
I moved back to C-bus from Miami a couple years ago for numerous reasons. One of which was because I had had enough of the whole hurricane thing. So imagine my displeasure yesterday when here in Ohio we had hurricane force winds, remnants of Ike I'm told. I also currently am without power... possibly for up to a week. This doesn't seem fair.
My thoughts go out to those in Texas currently who had it even worse than I've got it here.
I alos apologize for not writing recently. Things are crazy at work at the moment... which I'll explain later.
Stay safe!
My thoughts go out to those in Texas currently who had it even worse than I've got it here.
I alos apologize for not writing recently. Things are crazy at work at the moment... which I'll explain later.
Stay safe!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Britney and her mother
Britney Spears is an endless source of amazement and amusement, IMHO. It's sometimes like watching a train wreck. I'm not gonna lie, I still sometimes enjoy boogeying down to her music... she's got some funky beats. But at the same time, I'm so glad my life is not hers. The crazy, head-shaving days just shows how much of a downward spiral her life has been since her days as a mousketeer.
And then I read this, and can't help but think that maybe it all could have been prevented. I know being a parent is hard (or at least I assume it is since that's what everyone who is a parent says. not being one myself, I guess I don't really know firsthand). But I don't get how you can know these things about your daughter and let her continue down that path. Drinking at 13, sex at 14, drugs at 15? I'm sure a lot of other youths do these same things at these ages. And that's bad enough. But they aren't part of the crazy entertainment world. Imagine how much worse that would be. Trying to make sure you are talented/thin/pretty enough to last in the entertainment business would be so hard. Especially as an adolescent.
When should Lynne have stepped in? If I had a daughter in the industry as a teenager and found out about these things going on, I would hope to think that I would step in a help her first. Do you think that if Lynne had taken control back when Britney started drinking, having sex, and doing drugs, things for her would be different now?
And then I read this, and can't help but think that maybe it all could have been prevented. I know being a parent is hard (or at least I assume it is since that's what everyone who is a parent says. not being one myself, I guess I don't really know firsthand). But I don't get how you can know these things about your daughter and let her continue down that path. Drinking at 13, sex at 14, drugs at 15? I'm sure a lot of other youths do these same things at these ages. And that's bad enough. But they aren't part of the crazy entertainment world. Imagine how much worse that would be. Trying to make sure you are talented/thin/pretty enough to last in the entertainment business would be so hard. Especially as an adolescent.
When should Lynne have stepped in? If I had a daughter in the industry as a teenager and found out about these things going on, I would hope to think that I would step in a help her first. Do you think that if Lynne had taken control back when Britney started drinking, having sex, and doing drugs, things for her would be different now?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
A Tale of Two Dates
I finally met up with Boston again. It had only been about a month since we had seen each other, but we talked/texted usually a couple times a week. Anyway, during and immediately after the date I saw it in one way, and then a few days post-date (which makes me wonder if it was really a "date") I have different thoughts. So here for your reading pleasure is the Tale of Two Dates
My First Reaction
I called him Thursday to see if he wanted to go catch the opening night of college football along with some of the pre-season NFL games that night. He called me back saying he was kinda tired, but he was up for grabbing a drink or two. We decide where to go and since it's near his house, I pick him up along the way. We get there, order a couple of the dollar draft specials, and I take out my card to pay since I'm the one who invited him out. He pulls out some cash and tells me he'll get them since I drove to his neighborhood (which only took 10 minutes, but that was nice of him). Conversation is pretty good, a little awkward at times maybe, a few longer breaks in conversation, but again we were watching football. He gets a call from one of his friends and invites them to come meet us out (friends that I already knew of his, so it wasn't like "Meet the Friends" or anything). Everyone has a good time, Boston pays for all my drinks, and after about 4 hours we head off. Get back to his house and we hadn't discussed me coming in, so I don't just assume I am. He takes off his seatbelt and reaches for the door, kinda pauses when he realizes I haven't turned the car off, and looks back at me with this, "Aren't you coming in?" kinda look and asks me that same question as I ask, "Did you want me to come in?" He immediately says "Yeah, well... I mean, unless you're too tired or need to get home or something..." So we go in and... yada yada yada... next morning we get up, he has to get ready for work, I need to get home. We have an awkward-ish hug and wish each other a good day and I say I'll talk to him soon, and he says "Okay."
After a few days
I texted him Saturday night, just a simple "Enjoy the game today?" and heard nothing from him. Still haven't. I understand texts can get lost sometimes, or maybe he was busy, or didn't get it until much later, but it's the first time I've gotten no response from him. And it was the first time I tried getting a hold of him after our date, so of course it makes me re-analyze everything from that night... maybe he only went out with me that night cuz he figured since he'd been talking/texting with me ever since the last time we saw each other he couldn't all of a sudden just stop without seeing me again cuz it would be weird. Maybe he only meant he was gonna buy my first drink and was annoyed that he paid for all of them and I didn't even offer except for the first one. Maybe he invited his friends to come out cuz he was having an awful time with just me and wanted other people there to have a better time. Maybe he invited me in afterwards cuz he figured he should get something out of having to spend the whole evening with me. Maybe he didn't want me to spend the night and was annoyed that I did. Maybe he's planning on never talking to me again so that he doesn't have to go through with any of it again.
And that, my friends, is the brain I have to live with every day. The over-analyzing. The assuming the worst. What does everyone think? Do you see anything I did that was terribly wrong? Is he just not into me? I figure I'll call him either tonight or tomorrow, maybe suggest trying to get together again soon, and see what happens.
My First Reaction
I called him Thursday to see if he wanted to go catch the opening night of college football along with some of the pre-season NFL games that night. He called me back saying he was kinda tired, but he was up for grabbing a drink or two. We decide where to go and since it's near his house, I pick him up along the way. We get there, order a couple of the dollar draft specials, and I take out my card to pay since I'm the one who invited him out. He pulls out some cash and tells me he'll get them since I drove to his neighborhood (which only took 10 minutes, but that was nice of him). Conversation is pretty good, a little awkward at times maybe, a few longer breaks in conversation, but again we were watching football. He gets a call from one of his friends and invites them to come meet us out (friends that I already knew of his, so it wasn't like "Meet the Friends" or anything). Everyone has a good time, Boston pays for all my drinks, and after about 4 hours we head off. Get back to his house and we hadn't discussed me coming in, so I don't just assume I am. He takes off his seatbelt and reaches for the door, kinda pauses when he realizes I haven't turned the car off, and looks back at me with this, "Aren't you coming in?" kinda look and asks me that same question as I ask, "Did you want me to come in?" He immediately says "Yeah, well... I mean, unless you're too tired or need to get home or something..." So we go in and... yada yada yada... next morning we get up, he has to get ready for work, I need to get home. We have an awkward-ish hug and wish each other a good day and I say I'll talk to him soon, and he says "Okay."
After a few days
I texted him Saturday night, just a simple "Enjoy the game today?" and heard nothing from him. Still haven't. I understand texts can get lost sometimes, or maybe he was busy, or didn't get it until much later, but it's the first time I've gotten no response from him. And it was the first time I tried getting a hold of him after our date, so of course it makes me re-analyze everything from that night... maybe he only went out with me that night cuz he figured since he'd been talking/texting with me ever since the last time we saw each other he couldn't all of a sudden just stop without seeing me again cuz it would be weird. Maybe he only meant he was gonna buy my first drink and was annoyed that he paid for all of them and I didn't even offer except for the first one. Maybe he invited his friends to come out cuz he was having an awful time with just me and wanted other people there to have a better time. Maybe he invited me in afterwards cuz he figured he should get something out of having to spend the whole evening with me. Maybe he didn't want me to spend the night and was annoyed that I did. Maybe he's planning on never talking to me again so that he doesn't have to go through with any of it again.
And that, my friends, is the brain I have to live with every day. The over-analyzing. The assuming the worst. What does everyone think? Do you see anything I did that was terribly wrong? Is he just not into me? I figure I'll call him either tonight or tomorrow, maybe suggest trying to get together again soon, and see what happens.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Bringin' it back to middle school
How much fun is it when you are checking your email to find that you've got a friend request sent to you from myspace? And how much more fun is it when you realize that it's from a boy you had a serious crush on in middle school before he changed schools? And how much even more fun is it when he sends you a message saying you guys should get together sometime? It apparently has made my brain revert back to being a 13-year old girl... giddy, and giggly, and nervous, and hoping he'll actually call.
Now, will he call? Who knows. And probably if he doesn't I'll forget all about it in a few days, or at least within a couple weeks (my brain sometimes remembers those types of things too much, regardless of whether I want it to or not). Plus, I literally haven't seen him or talked to him since 8th grade, so who knows if it's really anything to get excited about.
Funny thing is... a few days ago, this same guy popped into my head for no apparent reason. I wondered what he was up to and if there was some way to find him. The reason he looked me up on myspace? Cuz I popped into his head yesterday. As he said, interesting how timing works...
Now, will he call? Who knows. And probably if he doesn't I'll forget all about it in a few days, or at least within a couple weeks (my brain sometimes remembers those types of things too much, regardless of whether I want it to or not). Plus, I literally haven't seen him or talked to him since 8th grade, so who knows if it's really anything to get excited about.
Funny thing is... a few days ago, this same guy popped into my head for no apparent reason. I wondered what he was up to and if there was some way to find him. The reason he looked me up on myspace? Cuz I popped into his head yesterday. As he said, interesting how timing works...
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