Spoke too soon

Okay, so I shouldn't have opened my mouth before. Juice just found out he has to watch his nephew tonight from 6 until 9 so he won't make it over to help me pass out candy after all. So the dog will continue to be a problem. And I'm disappointed, but I shouldn't be. I should be happy that he cares about his family enough to help them out. Shows that he's a good family man. I was just really looking forward to seeing him tonight.

Beggar's Night

Tonight is trick-or-treat night in my neighborhood. This is one of my favorite nights each year. I love seeing all the kids in their costumes and hearing them yelling "Trick-or Treat!" It makes me want to have babies even more than I already do, since by far my most favorite of the little kids are the real young ones. (Don't worry... this won't be happening any time soon).

Here's the problem, though, at my house with beggar's night... my dog. My sweet, wonderful, loving dog. He has a tendency to not like people so much when they're at the door. If they come into the house, obviously they are his new best friend. But if they stay on the outside, that must mean they're trouble. So he barks, sometimes growls, and tries to run outside to get them. (I don't think he'd actually do anything, he's much too chicken and would probably end up backing away, but I'd rather not find out). Anyway, this means that I have to scoop him up (weighing in at slightly less than 10 pounds makes this easier), plus pick up the bowl of candy, and open the door for the kiddies. This is not always the easiest of tasks, seeing as how I only have two hands.

Tonight, however, my problems may be solved! Juice (aka Mr. Softball as he's previously been known) is coming over to help me pass out candy. How sweetly domestic is that?!

Happy Monday

Just a quick update...

1.) I did indeed make it through the rest of the day. I got tired of giving the same lecture over and over again (which leads me to wonder how high school teachers and college professors do it all the time), but I managed.

2.) Thank you rialeilani for the info on helping my shins out! I haven't gotten new shoes, but I also slacked this weekend and didn't run. I might have to use part of my next paycheck to get new running shoes to help with the shin splints. Until then, I will just suffer and ice.

3.) Mr. Softball (who, by the way, we're calling Juice from now on) called! Alledgedly, his phone never gave him the voicemail icon and he didn't realize I had called. He apparently had 14 messages when he finally checked it. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. My phone has done that before too, although it never took me a week to realize it. And so why didn't he just pick up the phone and call me? He claims he just assumed I woke up and realized what I was doing and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Regardless, we talked Friday and then were together Saturday night at a party. We had a discussion that night and apparently have decided to give this thing a real try. So, yay!

4.) I don't really have any more updates, but I will say that I'm looking forward to this week... Halloween is always fun. Plus, we're closing the office early for trick-or-treating on Thursday, which means I will not have a repeat of last Thursday. And my parents got me an early bday present... going to see the Olympic gymnasts this Saturday!!

Hope everyone else is doing well. Happy Monday!!

Mission (almost) Accomplished

Well the first part of my day has been okay. I got up, actually woke up before my alarm so yay! for me, and did my run this morning. I still hated it. It still felt like I was going to die, although maybe, maybe, not as much as Tuesday. Breathing was a little easier, but my shins? Not so thrilled with me. But I did it. And I'm very proud of myself for getting through it.

Still have to make it through the afternoon of patients, but I think it will be okay. Positive thoughts. Positive energy. That's what I'm hoping for. Plus, still nothing from softball boy. Not too surprised there, just disappointed. But my phone has been in my bag, rather than on my desk, so that's kept me from religiously checking it too much.

The thing helping me get through the day? The idea of a glass or two of wine while watching Grey's Anatomy tonight.

Tomorrow

Have you ever had a day coming up that you are NOT looking forward to? Like, at all? Well, that's how I'm feeling about tomorrow.

First I have to get up earlier than I like (granted, not until 8:30, but for a girl who doesn't go to bed usually until 1, then reads for a while, and then has trouble falling asleep most nights... and I don't have to be at work until 11... so 8:30 seems early to me). And the reason I have to get up early? So I can work out. Namely, run. I don't like to run. And I'm trying to like it. I want to run a 5K at some point, which means I have to build up to it. So in the program I'm doing, tomorrow I have to run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, and then walk 2 and 1/2 minutes, then repeat. I know this doesn't sound like much to others who like to run, but it left me literally gasping for air and feeling like I was going to die. The idea of doing that again tomorrow? Not loving it.

Then, at work, I have four patients literally back to back to back to back. And the first three back to backs? I'm doing the same hour-long lecture for all three of them. And my last patient doesn't start until 6, so I won't be home until after 7. Which just makes for a long day. Yes, I would rather be busy than not have anything to do at work, but I'd much prefer having them at least a little more spread out.

And finally, I called the guy from softball tonight. I still hadn't heard from him, so I wanted to maybe try and clear the air. So I left a message basically saying that I hoped he was okay and I had enjoyed getting to know him, but I wish he had let me know what was going on. And then ended saying that I hoped we were cool and he'd still come to the playoffs on Friday and promised there'd be no drama. I was trying to come across as nonchalant, but worthy of a little respect. But I'm worried I came across as whiny, bitchy, or crazy. Of course that could just be in my head. Of course, this means that all day tomorrow I will be religiously fixed on my phone, hoping that he calls back and gives me a heads up as to what happened. And he probably won't. Which will make me more frustrated.

So, yeah. Not looking forward to tomorrow at all. (I guess technically at this point, that would be later today). So I'm going to try and visualize a perfectly wonderful day. And maybe that will make it all that way.

Deja Vu

I swear I don't know how this keeps happening to me. I meet a guy, he acts interested, calls me all the time, and then out of the blue, he just starts ignoring me. WTF?!?!

I hadn't mentioned this guy on here, cuz I didn't want to jinx it or anything, but now I need to let it out. We played softball together all summer and this fall, and a week ago last Friday, we have some drinks after the games and end up making out. He says all the right things, seems so sweet and into me. Texts and calls me the next day, and then I hear from him Monday through Saturday, usually 2 or 3 times a day. And we see each other Friday again at softball. We hang out a little bit after the game and when we leave he hugs and kisses me a couple times. When I hear from him Saturday he said "your boy" (meaning him obviously) in the text. He tells me to call him when I'm done with my plans that night. I text him when I realize that what I was doing that night was going to take longer that originally thought and see what would be too late to call. And I get no response. So I don't get done that night (had gone to a haunted prison with friends about an hour and a half outside of the city) until about 1:30 am and decide not to call since it's late and I never heard from him. Call him Sunday to apologize for not calling Saturday and tell him to give me a call if he gets a chance. Still no word from him.

Now, I get that we aren't dating and are just talking and getting to know one another, but I don't understand how he can go from talking to me a couple times a day to nothing. Especially since every other time he's missed a call from me or hasn't called when he said he was going to, I get an apology text from him first thing the next morning. And this is coming from a guy who claims to hate being mean to anyone, wants to be nice to everyone all the time. Feels bad when he doesn't stop to help a stranded motorist on the side of the road.

Maybe I'm making too much of it. Maybe he still will call. But my past experiences tell me he won't. Maybe he's just been busy. But how long does it take to send a freaking text at least. Or make a quick phone call. All I ask is that he's honest with me. If you're no longer interested, say so. If you're gonna try to work things out with your ex (who he broke up with a couple months ago after 4 years), then tell me that. Don't just leave me hanging. Don't initiate anything if you're not interested. Don't start anything up if you're gonna stop after a week. Don't waste my time.

And what pisses me off the most is that I wasn't even looking for anything. I had made my six month rule to stop thinking about guys or looking for anyone, and it was working just fine. I was just chillin', living my life, not wanting anything to happen. And then he initiated all this. Made me want it, just to leave me back where I started. No, we didn't have sex or anything, but it made me want a relationship again. It makes me so sad that this can happen again and again.

Validation

So after yesterday's post about how I apparently suck at what I do (according to one mom), I was quite pleased when I got a positive review from someone else. I was told by a mother, whose daughter I had done an evaluation on a couple months ago, that the school raved about my report that I had written. It was the best they had ever received! Feeling a little better about things now. It just goes to show not to take anyone's opinion too highly.

Venting

I need to vent for a minute about work. Not really work so much, but some of the people I have to work with. Not as in the other employees, but rather the patients I have to see.

Part of my job is running an obesity program for kids/teenagers. It consists of 5 weeks of information sessions (what things we will be focusing on and how we will be making changes) and then 6 months of weekly follow-ups that involve weighing in and creating goals and making changes for the next week. It's really a labor of love, because I try to get the kids excited and make being healthier something they want to do. It's not easy to get children and teenagers to eat healthy and be active, when they would rather eat junk food and play video games. Plus, because we feel the program is extremely important for the kids who qualify, we often waive all payment if they cannot afford it. We want to make sure they live, after all. And there's only so much I can do. I cannot come over to their houses and cook for them, for instance. All I can do is give them the information and try to work with them to change their behaviors. Yes, sometimes the information should be common knowledge, but obviously there's a problem if the family is in the program.

So I got really frustrated when I received a letter from a mother whose teenage daughter had been in the program, but decided to drop out. She decided to give us some "feedback" to the program, saying that I was boring and couldn't engage her daughter. That I was telling them things they already knew. That I was talking at her and expecting her to make changes without any help. And they only came to 2 sessions! I distinctly remember that the teenager was one who was not motivated and didn't want to be in the program in the first place. I would ask her questions and try to engage her and would get 1 or 2 word answers. I would appreciate feedback if it came from someone who had been through the whole program, but when you don't even give the program a chance to work, then don't complain about the content. Am I wrong?

Let's just say, it didn't put me in the best frame of mind to see the three patients I have lined up today for the program.

I apologize for taking a week-long break from the blog. I'm sure you'll all understand...

As we all knew was inevitable, my grandfather passed away from esophageal cancer. He died the same morning that I wrote my last post. His last words were apparently something about going to a "big party." This thought makes me content. As I've said before, it was harder on the family than him. He was ready, knowing he had lived a good life. And he really had. He was so actively involved in so many things, even continuing his ballroom dancing up until very recently. Even though he didn't want any funeral or anything (quite honestly, he didn't really even want us visiting him too much while he was sick, because he wanted us to remember him the way he was, not the way he was when he was sick), we had a memorial service (calling hours) for him last Thursday, which would have been his 92nd birthday. We all then went out for ice cream, since he had said that's what he wanted for his birthday. It was a nice way to honor him.

After reading his obituary, and learning more about how active he was in different community organizations, it made me really want to get the most out of life. I know I've written before about creating a list of things I want to do before I die, and wanting more out of life. But it made me realize that I need to put more of an effort on these things if I want them to happen.

He was a wonderful grandfather, man, and human being. I will miss him every day.

3* reasons I'm in a crappy mood today

-My grandpa is not doing well. He can barely drink half a can of ensure at a time before choking. He can't really talk. He has trouble breathing sometimes. He probably won't make it through the weekend. But he's hanging on for now... he was hoping to make it to his birthday, which is next Thursday. Who know's if he will. He's had a good life and is at peace with dying. It's harder on the rest of us than it is on him.

-I checked my email last night to find a notice from Facebook saying that The Reason had added me as a friend. This sent me into a tailspin. I haven't spoken to him in over a year and haven't seen him in almost a year and a half. Why would he add me as a friend? He's moved on, has a new (long-term) girlfriend. Granted, I'm friends with him on myspace, but that's cuz he started his myspace page when he and I were dating. And yes, I'm friends with one of his friends on facebook, cuz he added me as a friend back when the Reason and I were still talking. And I know he just joined facebook and just went through his email contacts to see who was on there, but he didn't have to add me. It would be different if he and I actually had remained friends after the break-up, like I have with many of my other exes. But I left that door open to him, and he chose to close it. Now, I can confirm or deny his friend request. I think I should deny it, although I think that makes me look bitter and bitchy. But I will probably end up confirming it, cuz I apparently like self-torture.

-I had a dream about the young ex last night. A really good dream. Let me back up and say that he has been texting me for about a month, a couple times a week or so, wanting to get together. Which always leads to the bedroom. So, given my new rule, I've given him excuses every time. (I haven't told him about the rule in case I change my mind and decide I want birthday sex after all, he'd be the most likely candidate since I wouldn't do it with anyone new). But hearing from him so often is probably why I dreamt of him last night. And like I said, it was a really good dream. I mean, yes, in the dream we had sex. But it went beyond that, to us being together again and him treating me wonderfully, and just generally feeling safe and protected and taken care of. In other words, the kind of relationship I want. Not necessarily with him, just in general. I just remember being so happy in my dream. And then I woke up to reality.

*Okay I have a fourth:

-I tried publishing this post about 10 times, each time getting a message saying that the page could not be displayed, even though my internet connection is "excellent". So I have to wait now and try again later. I sometimes hate technology.