To do in this lifetime

Okay so I've been thinking about how I really do like my life, for all the complaining I do about men and dating and how much it all sucks (which it still does). Yet I still feel restless/unsatisfied and like I don't know what I'm doing with it. I know, it's the whole quarter-life crisis thing. I guess part of what sucks is that when I moved back here to my hometown, I felt like I had already been going through the quarter-life crisis and that I was coming back to get away from all that. I was excited. I was really, really happy. And then I moved back and almost immediately began dating the ex (within 2 and a half months, which is no small feat considering I moved back right at Christmas time and then my top priority was finding a place to live so as to not live with my parents anymore). This made me even more happy since it meant I had people to go out with, a guy who cared about me (alledgedly at least), a house, and a job. Life was great! Okay so the excitement wears off and I get comfortable in my relationship, and things are still good but starting to feel a little restless. And then, boom! Out of nowhere the ex breaks up with me and I'm lost. I mean, utterly, completely, 100% rock-bottom. I've been trying to climb up from there ever since. I'm making some headway, but I'd say I'm still at about 50-60% rock bottom (which, fine, isn't technically rock bottom). Okay, so this post has all of a sudden turned in a direction I wasn't planning on going...

My point being, I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I have no purpose and I want one. I want to be completely passionate about something. Which got me to thinking that I need to create a list of things I want to do before I die. I think that maybe if I create this list, it will inspire me to get off my butt and go do some of these things, and maybe from there I'll find something to be passionate about. I'll find something to feel a purpose. Now I don't want anyone out there to think I'm depressed, which fine maybe I am slightly (but who wouldn't be after a break-up, especially when the ex just disappears with no warning whatsoever). But I really am trying to focus on my job, my friends, my family, and getting back into the dating scene. And I really am doing better. I can actually even have days when I think of the ex in neutral terms, days that I don't curse his name and fall apart into tears when I think of him. But I think I've digressed again...

Okay, so the infamous list, or at least what I have so far:
1.) Learn how to play golf
2.) Have children (whether biological or adopted, with a man or without)
3.) Invest wisely
4.) Write a book
5.) Take a hip-hop dance class
6.) Learn interior decorating
7.) Take an extended trip to Ireland
8.) Research my ancestors
9.) Learn how to speak fluent Italian
10.) Learn more about wine (like what makes one a good wine and another a mediocre wine, besides the price!)

I'm going to keep working on it. I've at least started some of these things, but I want to get back to them. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Dating in your 20's

I'm going to preface this post with the statement that if anyone is out there reading, this may be the blog to comment on. Mostly because I think I need some new ideas... do I have your interest?

Okay, so here's my question: When dating in you're late 20's, where do you meet good single men to date? In highs school and college it was easy... you have classes with guys and, in some cases, live right next to guys. But as I get older, the harder it is to find guys to date.

Here are my problems with the typical ways to meet guys. Not that I'm too keen on office romances (I mean if it doesn't work out you still have to work with each other), but I work at a pediatrician's office. This means that literally the only two guys who I work with are doctors who are married with kids. Plus, even if a male nurse or medical assistant worked here, one of the pediatricians is my mom, so that would just be awkward. Now I do meet other guys at work... but they tend to be fathers of patients, which means they are likely to be married. Plus, I'm not crazy about dating a guy with kids in the first place (although there are exceptions to every rule). We do sometimes have drug reps bring us lunches and stuff, but the majority of them are also married. I think only one is single, and I have only seen him around once so that's not likely to go anywhere.

I've also been trying the online thing with eharmony. Now this is how I met the ex last year, so I had hopes again when I got back on it this year. But so far, no catches. I've gone out with a couple with no sparks. I've emailed back and forth with a few others and it never comes to anything. So I think that before my subscriptions gets automatically renewed next week, I'm gonna cancel my account. I might try it again in the future, but the past three months hasn't done much for me, so why pay again?

I think it's awkward to be set up with friends of friends, or friends of friends boyfriends (whew that sounded a little crazy!), because if it doesn't work out, it might make it difficult for the friend in the middle. I don't know if that made sense... regardless, I don't have too many friends here in town anyway for them to set me up with guys in the first place. My brother has a lot of friends, but they're all married or in serious relationships. And again, that could make things awkward for my brother if I dated one of his friends and it didn't work out.

I'm trying to join more groups and things to generally just meet other people. I have joined a book club, although haven't been to a meeting yet, but I didn't join that to meet guys. I'm also trying to find ways to be more involved in my sorority as an alum, but again that would be all girls. I've thought about going back to church, but I'm not real religious and getting up at like 9 on Sunday after usually being out late drinking the night before does not appeal to me. I don't think I'd make a good impression at any church the next day if I did that.

I guess I'm just looking for other suggestions to meet guys. If anyone has any, I'd appreciate it.

Living in the moment

When reading chickbug yesterday, there was a post about engagements and how we, as women, these days want it all right away. I think there's something to be said about this. And I'm not just talking about love life (although, who am I kidding, I'm mostly talking about my love life). I feel like a lot of the time I spend daydreaming about and planning for the future or examining my past to see where I've made mistakes. I realized that I feel like I very rarely live in the moment. That's awful! Life won't be remembered by all the mistakes you've made in the past or how well you planned for the future. It will be about the little things, the daily life, the way you spent your life in the moment. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going out with my friends, spending time with my family, and playing with my dog. But I think I need to start embracing life more.

This also fits for my relationships. Looking back on things, I think that when I'm in a relationship, I'm always thinking to myself "where's this going? can I spend the rest of my life with him? what does he mean when he says (fill in the blank)? does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? is this going where I want it to or am I wasting my time?" Basically I spend all my time in a relationship thinking about how it relates to my future. Then, when the relationship inevitably ends for whatever reason (usually because I pick the wrong guys, but I'm not placing blame here!), I spend my days wondering how it all went bad and what I could have done differently to prevent the break-up. I live in the sadness and remembering all the good times he and I had together and thinking about how those times will never happen again. And yet, when those times were actually happening, I'm not sure I fully enjoyed them because I was too worried about the future.

Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with planning for the future. I think it's something that needs to be done. You don't want to wake up one day to find yourself retired with no money left to afford anything, so some planning for the future is great and necessary. And I'm also not saying that examining the past is all bad. I've learned a lot from my past relationships and, although my most previous ex may say differently, I have mellowed out a lot when it comes to relationships. And this mellowing process has come from examining the past and making changes where I saw fit. I think I just need to find the perfect balance of examining the past and planning the future to allow for more living in the moment.

crabby

I am so crabby right now. I guess more sad than crabby, but I don't like admitting it when I'm sad, so we'll go with crabby. And of course it's all about stupid boys, which I also don't like admitting.

So the guy I went on a date with last week hasn't called. I even called him last night, left a message, and he hasn't called back. And yeah, he moved Thursday, was away all weekend, and is leaving to go away again tomorrow, so maybe he's just been busy. But how long does it take to call someone back and say "hey I got your message. I'm gonna be too busy before I go out of town to get together but let's plan on hanging out when I get back." Or even, "hey I got your message. I had a good time the other night but I just don't think things are going to work out cuz I'm too busy (or whatever the reason)." Seems to me that would only take a couple minutes. And I'm confused about it since he apparently told his friend, who's dating my friend, that he had a good time with me, liked me, and was going to call me. So I don't understand what happened.

Quite honestly, it's not about him. It's still about the ex. It was just nice to have a week or so where I had someone else to think about, anticipate his phone calls instead of the ex's, think about a future without my ex without freaking out. I know this guy would probably just have been a rebound, since I'm sure I'm not ready for anything serious so soon after the ex. But with this guy, it was the first time after the ex, amongst all the guys I've flirted with or kissed since him, that I actually enjoyed another guy's company. The first time that I wanted it to possibly develop. The first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be possible to move on. And now I'm feeling back to square one, or maybe even worse. You know? Now I feel like I'm never going to find anyone else, because anyone I like apparently doesn't like me.

It just sucks. So I'm crabby.

And they say we're confusing?

First and foremost, I would like to thank chickbug for linking to me in a recent post! So to any new readers that I may now have out there, hello and welcome!

Okay having said that, I think this post will actually not be about me as much as my friend at work. She's the one who's dating the guy who introduced me to the guy I went out with last week. Last I talked to her before today, everything was great with them. So imagine my confusion when I get on myspace last night only to discover I have a message from her dude. The message was basically "Why do women act they way they do? I'm confused and frustrated." I checked out his profile to notice that he had changed his status back from "in a relationship" to "single." Of course I assume something happened.

I get to work today and make a beeline to find her, wanting the scoop. Unfortunately, she didn't have a scoop to give me. She was confused about the message he had sent me and explained that they had gone out Saturday, everything was fine, they talked earlier in the day Sunday, and then they were talking aroun 1 in the afternoon and he said he was at the store and would call her back. He never called back. So what could she have possible done in that amount of time that would leave him vonfused and frustrated? And, for the record, why would he bring me in it at all? I mean, I didn't rush and send him a message after I went out with his friend to find out what was said... I don't get it. Neither does my friend. And, unfortunately for him, she had been thinking about moving up the date of sex... instead of 3 months of getting to know each other before doing the deed, she was thinking 3 weeks was kinda good enough.

I think men are more confusing than women for sure... not that I'm biased at all.

New horizon?

Well here it is, a week since I last posted. I was so good about posting everyday (through the work week at least) at the beginning... and that was only a month ago. Maybe I'm not cut out for the blogging. Or maybe I just don't have enough going on in my life to blog about (do you get a sense of the unsatisfied life?)

Anyway, I had a date last night. It went really well and I liked the guy, which of course means it will go nowhere. In fact, I'll probably never hear from him again. He's this guy I met through a friend at work's boyfriend-type guy. Did that make sense? I think it did so I won't clarify. Anyway, my friend's boyfriend-type guy came out with us last weekend, and then invited this friend of his out. And so after hanging out with him that night, flirting a little, hand-holding, etc., this guy was apparently "too shy" to ask for my number. He hadn't been shy AT ALL all night, but when it comes to that he is?! So his friend told me that this guy wanted it and so we did exchange numbers. Fast-forward three days, and I still haven't heard from him and decide to just screw convention (and the idea that if he wants to talk to me, he'll call me) and call him myself. Voicemail... so I leave a message. And he does call back about 30 minutes later and we decide to do dinner last night.

We went and had sushi, which I love so I was quite excited about it. And it went well. Lots of good conversation, laughing, generally just a good time. And so we go back to my place and hang out for a little bit... and make out. And, holy-mother, he is a GREAT kisser. He wanted more, but not on the first date. And, in fact, my friend at work and I have implemented a new 3-month rule... meaning no sex for 3 months. It's a good rule for both of us, since we haven't always been perfect angels about that kind of thing. ANyway, I always find it hard to figure out if the guy had a good time or not on dates. I mean, was he just hoping for sex and so he appeared to have a good time at dinner hoping for that? Or will he actually call now knowing that he didn't get any the first date. I'm hoping he will. Problem being, he is really busy. He's moving to a new apartment today, tomorrow he is leaving to go to his dad's for the weekend, and then next Wednesday he's going to Florida for a few days. So that leaves next Monday or Tuesday. And I'm assuming he won't call all weekend, being at his dad's and all, and so my plan is to wait until Monday, and if I haven't heard from him by then, I'll call him and see if he wants to get together Tuesday night. But after that I may leave it up to him to put the effort in. I realize he's busy, his job's busy time of year is summer, but still he should put some of the effort in or else I will feel like I'm forcing myself on him.

And maybe I'm just overanalyzing it all, once again. Oh and for all those of you who are wondering, no still no word from the ex. That makes it 4 weeks this weekend since I've seen him and almost 3 since I've heard from him at all. From now on, let's just say that unless I post otherwise, no word from the ex. I'm even starting to feel okay with it some days, although I wish we had at least had closure. Oh well... time heals all.

Sick in the summer

It is my firm belief that no one should have to deal with having a cold during the summer. And yet, I woke up Tuesday to just that. Sore throat, stuffy nose, head feeling like it got run over by a truck. I was miserable. I actually had a patient to see at work, luckily timed for first thing in the morning, so I had to go in for a bit at least. I ended up staying for the morning, since I didn't get done with them until about 11:15 and then went home. I was particularly annoyed with this event because I was supposed to go downtown with my friends Tuesday night to watch fireworks. That didn't happen.

I woke up yesterday feeling a little better... throat still hurt and nose was still stuffy, but the sinus pressure and headache were mostly gone. This meant that I could at least get on with my 4th of July festivities. I ended up drinking my cold away, or at least drinking until it didn't bother me as much. I spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law and some of their friends roaming around our hometown drinking at various locations - first their house, then my parent's house, then a bar, then one of my brother's friend's houses, then back to the bar, a brief pause in drinking for the fireworks, and then back to the bar one more time to finish out the night. Now was drinking all day the best thing to do for my cold? Probably not. I should have been home resting and drinking things like warm tea. But it was fun nonetheless. Plus I ran into a group of guys I graduated with and hung out with them for quite a while. One was my ex (not the aforementioned one I blog about all the time, but a guy I dated in high school), one was a guy I had a huge crush on for several years, and the others were all cute as well, so I had quite a good time. The one I had a crush on ended up taking me back to my parent's house to get my car, we exchanged numbers and decided to get together sometime, and kissed a couple times. Now, I'm not saying anything will happen with that, but it was a nice distraction. And he did send me a text when he got home making sure I got home safely. So that was nice. I hope I didn't give him my cold...

One week down

Well its been about a week since I last wrote, so I apologize to all you ghosts out there who are reading my blog and wondering about my life...

Last I wrote I had sent the ex an email to see about getting together an talking sometime. I got a response basically saying, although not in so many words, that he was going to be too busy last week to see me but that he was glad I wasn't mad anymore. So I wrote back and kind of let him have it. I explained that I had wanted to say all this in person, but didn't know when I'd actually see him at this point. I told him that it made me feel like he just likes me for sex if he doesn't want me around at all when he's out with his friends. I told him that I missed out on doing something I wanted to do because none of my other friends wanted to do it and he didn't want me there. I told him that I didn't know where the boundaries were with each other since he said we were casually dating, calls me his girlfriend sometimes, acts like I'm his girlfriend when we're together, but then sometimes acts like I'm suffocating him. After I sent the email, I felt guilty, so I wrote him again later saying to ignore me and I felt like he probably thought I was being a stupid girl, he was probably pissed at me, and that I probably had gone and ruined everything with him. He finally wrote back to that saying that I wasn't being a stupid girl, I just needed to relax and try to think about other things, he wasn't mad, everything was fine, and he'd "type to me later" (which was a normal sign off for him in an email). That was last Monday. I haven't had any contact with him since then.

I am doing my best to leave him alone and not force the issue. And so far it's working since I haven't called him, emailed him, texted him, nothing, even when intoxicated. But I'm also not getting any sleep. I cry about the situation daily. I wake up each day thinking "maybe today will be the day I hear from him" and when I don't, it hurts that much more. I am trying to go about my life... going out with friends, doing stuff around the house, making out with other guys (thats what happened instead of me calling the ex while intoxicated, not that I'm proud of that, and really it was only one guy). And I know this is a normal part of the grieving process for the relationship. i think about happy times we had together and can't believe that we won't be doing those things again. I think about how if he isn't with me, then he's probably found someone else. I mean it's been over 2 weeks since we last saw each other... that doesn't sound like a long time, and it really isn't, but we would always get together at least once a week to hang out and have sex. So if he isn't getting that from me for the past couple weeks, is it just that he's choosing not to get any at all or that he's found someone else.

My friends say that I should just walk away, kick him to the curb, cut him off. And I do know thats what I should do. And I'm trying. But I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I can't picture anyone better suited for me. It's going to be a long process. One week down, a million to go...