One week down

Well its been about a week since I last wrote, so I apologize to all you ghosts out there who are reading my blog and wondering about my life...

Last I wrote I had sent the ex an email to see about getting together an talking sometime. I got a response basically saying, although not in so many words, that he was going to be too busy last week to see me but that he was glad I wasn't mad anymore. So I wrote back and kind of let him have it. I explained that I had wanted to say all this in person, but didn't know when I'd actually see him at this point. I told him that it made me feel like he just likes me for sex if he doesn't want me around at all when he's out with his friends. I told him that I missed out on doing something I wanted to do because none of my other friends wanted to do it and he didn't want me there. I told him that I didn't know where the boundaries were with each other since he said we were casually dating, calls me his girlfriend sometimes, acts like I'm his girlfriend when we're together, but then sometimes acts like I'm suffocating him. After I sent the email, I felt guilty, so I wrote him again later saying to ignore me and I felt like he probably thought I was being a stupid girl, he was probably pissed at me, and that I probably had gone and ruined everything with him. He finally wrote back to that saying that I wasn't being a stupid girl, I just needed to relax and try to think about other things, he wasn't mad, everything was fine, and he'd "type to me later" (which was a normal sign off for him in an email). That was last Monday. I haven't had any contact with him since then.

I am doing my best to leave him alone and not force the issue. And so far it's working since I haven't called him, emailed him, texted him, nothing, even when intoxicated. But I'm also not getting any sleep. I cry about the situation daily. I wake up each day thinking "maybe today will be the day I hear from him" and when I don't, it hurts that much more. I am trying to go about my life... going out with friends, doing stuff around the house, making out with other guys (thats what happened instead of me calling the ex while intoxicated, not that I'm proud of that, and really it was only one guy). And I know this is a normal part of the grieving process for the relationship. i think about happy times we had together and can't believe that we won't be doing those things again. I think about how if he isn't with me, then he's probably found someone else. I mean it's been over 2 weeks since we last saw each other... that doesn't sound like a long time, and it really isn't, but we would always get together at least once a week to hang out and have sex. So if he isn't getting that from me for the past couple weeks, is it just that he's choosing not to get any at all or that he's found someone else.

My friends say that I should just walk away, kick him to the curb, cut him off. And I do know thats what I should do. And I'm trying. But I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I can't picture anyone better suited for me. It's going to be a long process. One week down, a million to go...