Thursday, July 31, 2008
Return to Normal
Sometimes things just have a way of working themselves out, which is exactly what has happened with my inner struggle I was dealing with yesterday. First, Bass and I went out last night... yeah he's still sorta around. We're really just friends, which is the way it always should have been. I just need to remember that when he's drunk and talking about having babies with me. So that kinda lifted my spirits a little cuz I wasn't just sitting around at home like I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. Second, I worked out yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I had been so hard-core before the reunion (which paid off well!), that I needed to just let myself be for a few weeks. Eat what I want, not work out if I didn't want... which is what I've done. Granted that means I gained a little of the weight back, which I don't really like, but not much and I'm going to get back in the work-out and eat right mode. Just not as hard-core as before. And then finally, I had this crazy dream last night. In this dream S. was basically mad at me for remaining friends with Bass and decided that she no longer wanted to be friends with me. In other words, it was kinda similar to how I had been feeling towards her (not that I ever wanted to not be friends with her, but like I said things had been off). In my dream I was so frustrated with her because the reason she was mad at me was so stupid and really had nothing to do with her. Which made me wake up this morning realizing that's how I had kinda been acting towards her and that it was stupid. So today, everything is back to normal. Things don't seem off, we've had funny stories to share with one another, and discussed a possible camping trip in a couple weeks. It's so nice when things work out!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Inner struggle
Currently, I'm having an inner struggle with myself about my best friend S. It's hard to really explain why, since it really has nothing to do with me, and since it's her life it doesn't seem right to broadcast her business. Basically she has been having issues with her boyfriend and she did something to "make him mad" that I didn't agree with. And since then, I've felt this disconnect with her. Like I said, she didn't do anything to me, and it's not my place to tell her how she should treat her man (especially since I also didn't agree with what he did to her), but things just seem off between us now. She knows I didn't approve of what she did, and has apologized and doesn't want me to be mad at her, which I'm not. Things just seem... off. Maybe we just need a bit of a break (we work together also, so we see each other often 6 days a week). Or maybe I'm just too focused on her life since nothing is going on in mine right now. I keep thinking that things will smooth over and get back to the fun we have together, but then i see her and there's this feeling inside of me that says to me that things are still not fine. I know I should just talk to her about it, but I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. Maybe just writing about here will make me feel a little better about getting it off my chest and things will return to normal. Here's hoping...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A rose by any other name... aka "What Jennifer Means"
| What Jennifer Means |
 You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. |
Thanks to rialeilani for posting this! I get a kick out of these things...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Cheating
First, let me say I apologize for the time away from the blogging last week. I wish I could say it was due to something fun, but alas, I was ill. Not too bad, just no energy, which apparently was due to a virus. But I'm feeling better and back.
I want to discuss cheating. When did our generation start feeling as if cheating was no big deal? Twice in the past couple weeks, I've heard two different people in two different sitations (one male and one female) say "well making out with someone else isn't cheating." I'm sorry, hold up... what?
Sure making out with someone else isn't as bad as sleeping with someone else, but it's still cheating in my mind. If I call a guy my boyfriend, and he calls me his girlfriend, then making out with anyone else would be cheating! Now, if we're just casually dating, haven't discussed making it official, haven't gotten serious, then fine. Make out with whoever, whenever. (Clearly from my previous blogs, you'd know that's how I feel since it seems like I'm making out with someone new every weekend).
I'm not even saying that making out with someone else is something I wouldn't be able to forgive. But that would depend on the situation, the circumstances, etc. And if I chose to forgive, I would forgive it once and only once. But just because I'd be willing to think about forgiving doesn't mean it isn't cheating.
Am I the only one who is still naive enough to think that once I'm in a relationship with a guy he won't be making out with anyone else? Or should I start thinking like more of our generation and assume that my man might be making out with other girls? And if even women feel this way... man I feel hopeless to ever find a guy who doesn't.
I want to discuss cheating. When did our generation start feeling as if cheating was no big deal? Twice in the past couple weeks, I've heard two different people in two different sitations (one male and one female) say "well making out with someone else isn't cheating." I'm sorry, hold up... what?
Sure making out with someone else isn't as bad as sleeping with someone else, but it's still cheating in my mind. If I call a guy my boyfriend, and he calls me his girlfriend, then making out with anyone else would be cheating! Now, if we're just casually dating, haven't discussed making it official, haven't gotten serious, then fine. Make out with whoever, whenever. (Clearly from my previous blogs, you'd know that's how I feel since it seems like I'm making out with someone new every weekend).
I'm not even saying that making out with someone else is something I wouldn't be able to forgive. But that would depend on the situation, the circumstances, etc. And if I chose to forgive, I would forgive it once and only once. But just because I'd be willing to think about forgiving doesn't mean it isn't cheating.
Am I the only one who is still naive enough to think that once I'm in a relationship with a guy he won't be making out with anyone else? Or should I start thinking like more of our generation and assume that my man might be making out with other girls? And if even women feel this way... man I feel hopeless to ever find a guy who doesn't.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Happiness
I'm going to take a break from blogging about sex, boys, and my crazy dating life. For now. I promise I will pick that back up again soon. After all, me not blogging about those things is like the Pope not being Catholic. Doesn't happen.
Anywho... I was reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult ( I think that's how her name is spelled. I don't have the book in front of me to confirm, nor do I feel like taking the time to internet it) and, besides the fact that I thought it was a good book, I really enjoyed a part where there is an equation for happiness. I don't think this will give away anything for anyone who hasn't read the book, but if you haven't, and don't want to know anything about it, STOP READING HERE.
The equation is: happiness = reality/expectations. This really hit home with me. I really like this idea. So we become happier the more closely related our reality is with our expectations. This made me think about things so much more clearly. When I started this blog, it was very clear that I was not satisfied. I kept saying, "I'm happy, I really am." But maybe I wasn't as happy as I could have been. My reality was so far from what my expectations were.
I had a class in college that made us map out the major milestones in our lives and predict when future milestones would happen. Based on that plan, at this point in my life I would have my Ph.D. in psychology, be married, with one kid, and (if I remember correctly) pregnant with twins. (I know, who predicts having twins, but me? But really, I still really would like a boy, twin girls and then another boy.) Um, clearly, my reality does not at all meet my expectations. I have my master's in psychology, true. But not married, no kids, and certainly not pregnant with twins. While I don't still hold this plan as what I expect from my life, marriage and children are both things I expect to happen at some point. And I don't think I will ever be as happy as I potentially could be if those expectations never become reality.
I think in the meantime I just have to change my expectations of things. Plan things differently, or at least come up with alternate plans that would at least bring my reality and expectations closer together so that I'm as happy as I can possibly be. Does anyone else think there's anything to this equation, or am I just molding it to make it fit to what I want?
Anywho... I was reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult ( I think that's how her name is spelled. I don't have the book in front of me to confirm, nor do I feel like taking the time to internet it) and, besides the fact that I thought it was a good book, I really enjoyed a part where there is an equation for happiness. I don't think this will give away anything for anyone who hasn't read the book, but if you haven't, and don't want to know anything about it, STOP READING HERE.
The equation is: happiness = reality/expectations. This really hit home with me. I really like this idea. So we become happier the more closely related our reality is with our expectations. This made me think about things so much more clearly. When I started this blog, it was very clear that I was not satisfied. I kept saying, "I'm happy, I really am." But maybe I wasn't as happy as I could have been. My reality was so far from what my expectations were.
I had a class in college that made us map out the major milestones in our lives and predict when future milestones would happen. Based on that plan, at this point in my life I would have my Ph.D. in psychology, be married, with one kid, and (if I remember correctly) pregnant with twins. (I know, who predicts having twins, but me? But really, I still really would like a boy, twin girls and then another boy.) Um, clearly, my reality does not at all meet my expectations. I have my master's in psychology, true. But not married, no kids, and certainly not pregnant with twins. While I don't still hold this plan as what I expect from my life, marriage and children are both things I expect to happen at some point. And I don't think I will ever be as happy as I potentially could be if those expectations never become reality.
I think in the meantime I just have to change my expectations of things. Plan things differently, or at least come up with alternate plans that would at least bring my reality and expectations closer together so that I'm as happy as I can possibly be. Does anyone else think there's anything to this equation, or am I just molding it to make it fit to what I want?
Um... what?
I went out with Bass last night. First time in almost 2 weeks. I get the idea that we're basically going to be friends. This is absolutely fine with me. He's a bit random and scattered for me, plus I'm not sure he really knows what he wants out of life. So I basically had told him that I'd like to still hang out if he wanted, but I wasn't going to wait around for him to make up his mind, nor was I going to force him to hang out with me if he didn't want to so the ball was in his court. These are the highlights of the night:
-We got a little drunk and he said he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, and so was it cool if we were just friends. Yes, Bass. That's fine.
-A cute guy comes in with some friends and he starts talking to me (we'll call him Boston). So no big deal, right? Bass wants to just be friends.
-Bass gets pissed that I'm talking to another guy when I had come there to hang out with him. Hi... we're friends! If I was out with S or J, they would be all for me talking to Boston. I guess Bass and I aren't that kind of friends.
-I kinda go back and forth between the two, ensuring Boston that Bass and I are just friends and he isn't stepping on anyone's toes. Bass eventually leaves and tells me to call him when I'm done at the bar. I kissed Boston a little, gave him my number. Bar closed and I went on my way.
-Called Bass, who wanted me to come over so we could talk. I do so, telling him I'm not staying long. He tells me we should get married. I point out that he would just cheat on me, to which he says "Oh yeah, all the time." He's nothing if not honest.
-He starts being all flirty with me and wants to make out. I tell him that it isn't what he wants. He insists that he does. I insist he only wants it for that night. He insists this isn't the case. I finally give in and we hook up (this has happened before, just not lately or all that often).
-He tells me that he should "accidentally" get me pregnant so I have to be in his life forever. I remind him I'm on birth control. He tells me I should stop taking it so he could knock me up. I politely decline that offer. I leave soon after. Who knows if I'll hear from him again. I wouldn't mind if I didn't.
So for those of you keeping track... Bass doesn't want to date me, doesn't want me to date anyone else, wants to marry me so he can cheat on me all the time, and have babies with me.
Sadly, this is the second guy in the past year who has suggested that we just have babies together but not want to date me.
Where do I find these guys, and how can I stop?
-We got a little drunk and he said he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, and so was it cool if we were just friends. Yes, Bass. That's fine.
-A cute guy comes in with some friends and he starts talking to me (we'll call him Boston). So no big deal, right? Bass wants to just be friends.
-Bass gets pissed that I'm talking to another guy when I had come there to hang out with him. Hi... we're friends! If I was out with S or J, they would be all for me talking to Boston. I guess Bass and I aren't that kind of friends.
-I kinda go back and forth between the two, ensuring Boston that Bass and I are just friends and he isn't stepping on anyone's toes. Bass eventually leaves and tells me to call him when I'm done at the bar. I kissed Boston a little, gave him my number. Bar closed and I went on my way.
-Called Bass, who wanted me to come over so we could talk. I do so, telling him I'm not staying long. He tells me we should get married. I point out that he would just cheat on me, to which he says "Oh yeah, all the time." He's nothing if not honest.
-He starts being all flirty with me and wants to make out. I tell him that it isn't what he wants. He insists that he does. I insist he only wants it for that night. He insists this isn't the case. I finally give in and we hook up (this has happened before, just not lately or all that often).
-He tells me that he should "accidentally" get me pregnant so I have to be in his life forever. I remind him I'm on birth control. He tells me I should stop taking it so he could knock me up. I politely decline that offer. I leave soon after. Who knows if I'll hear from him again. I wouldn't mind if I didn't.
So for those of you keeping track... Bass doesn't want to date me, doesn't want me to date anyone else, wants to marry me so he can cheat on me all the time, and have babies with me.
Sadly, this is the second guy in the past year who has suggested that we just have babies together but not want to date me.
Where do I find these guys, and how can I stop?
Monday, July 14, 2008
An Open Letter to Boys (because really, there are no Men)
Dear Boys-
As a single woman, I often have to put up with your shit. I am writing today to ask that you please try to keep that shit to a minimum. I realize that women, in general, overanalyze more than men do. Have certain expectations out of life, different than those of males. But sometimes I think that you often forget how to respectfully treat women. Treat others how you want to be treated. Apparently you guys want me to act interested and then ignore you, to screw with your head.
If we had a good night together, making out but not having sex, and sex was all you wanted, then there's no reason for you to pretend it was something more. I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth. If you don't want to see me again, leave it at "Well maybe I'll run into you sometime." Then there's no expectations of getting together again. Don't give me your number and insist that I call you if you have no plans to answer or call me back. Giving me your number just indicates to me that you had a good time too and want it to happen again. If you don't, then don't give me false hope!
I'm upfront and honest. I will tell you how I'm feeling, even if I think it makes me look bad or isn't what you want to hear. I expect the same from you. Don't play mind games. Don't exchange numbers with me if you have no intention of using it. Just don't bother. Then I won't waste a single minute of my life wondering if you're ever gonna call. I won't take your number, or give you mine if I don't like you. If I don't want to see you again or get to know you better, then I won't waste your time. Please don't waste mine.
Sincerely-
Jenn
Sidenote: I decided to go with reality. Judging by this post, I'm guessing you can figure out how that went for me.
As a single woman, I often have to put up with your shit. I am writing today to ask that you please try to keep that shit to a minimum. I realize that women, in general, overanalyze more than men do. Have certain expectations out of life, different than those of males. But sometimes I think that you often forget how to respectfully treat women. Treat others how you want to be treated. Apparently you guys want me to act interested and then ignore you, to screw with your head.
If we had a good night together, making out but not having sex, and sex was all you wanted, then there's no reason for you to pretend it was something more. I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth. If you don't want to see me again, leave it at "Well maybe I'll run into you sometime." Then there's no expectations of getting together again. Don't give me your number and insist that I call you if you have no plans to answer or call me back. Giving me your number just indicates to me that you had a good time too and want it to happen again. If you don't, then don't give me false hope!
I'm upfront and honest. I will tell you how I'm feeling, even if I think it makes me look bad or isn't what you want to hear. I expect the same from you. Don't play mind games. Don't exchange numbers with me if you have no intention of using it. Just don't bother. Then I won't waste a single minute of my life wondering if you're ever gonna call. I won't take your number, or give you mine if I don't like you. If I don't want to see you again or get to know you better, then I won't waste your time. Please don't waste mine.
Sincerely-
Jenn
Sidenote: I decided to go with reality. Judging by this post, I'm guessing you can figure out how that went for me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Reality vs. Fantasy
Okay, so remember the guy I'm not gonna get into detail about, cuz I actually feel nervous butterflies about him and stupid shit like that. Yeah, well I'm still not gonna talk about him in particular. Let's just say I'm gonna talk about fantasy...
As I said before, I texted him and never heard back from him. My friends are full of all sorts of excuses for him and whatnot (e.g. "maybe he doesn't get text messages", "maybe he never got your text", "maybe he texted you back and you didn't get his", etc.) and they always end by saying, "JUST CALL HIM!" And I always tell them, "I will, I will... I just don't know when." And here's why:
Until I call him, I can live in this little fantasty world. Believe that when I call him, we'll make plans to go out, end up dating, falling in love, and getting married. We'll live in the town I grew up in, be friends with all the right people, and have cute little babies who will grow up popular so that I'd never have to worry about them being picked on. (Part of this fantasy really only makes sense if you knew details about the situation, but just roll with it). It's quite a nice life in my fantasy world.
But once I call him, that's it. No more fantasy world. Because if he does answer and we make plans to get together, then it's not a fantasy (obviously the option I would choose), but if he doesn't answer and never calls me back? Well, then obviously I can't fantasize about it working out. And right now, it's a lot easier to live in a fantasy world where everything works out than live in reality where it's up in the air whether it will work out or not. Can you fault me for that? I think not.
As I said before, I texted him and never heard back from him. My friends are full of all sorts of excuses for him and whatnot (e.g. "maybe he doesn't get text messages", "maybe he never got your text", "maybe he texted you back and you didn't get his", etc.) and they always end by saying, "JUST CALL HIM!" And I always tell them, "I will, I will... I just don't know when." And here's why:
Until I call him, I can live in this little fantasty world. Believe that when I call him, we'll make plans to go out, end up dating, falling in love, and getting married. We'll live in the town I grew up in, be friends with all the right people, and have cute little babies who will grow up popular so that I'd never have to worry about them being picked on. (Part of this fantasy really only makes sense if you knew details about the situation, but just roll with it). It's quite a nice life in my fantasy world.
But once I call him, that's it. No more fantasy world. Because if he does answer and we make plans to get together, then it's not a fantasy (obviously the option I would choose), but if he doesn't answer and never calls me back? Well, then obviously I can't fantasize about it working out. And right now, it's a lot easier to live in a fantasy world where everything works out than live in reality where it's up in the air whether it will work out or not. Can you fault me for that? I think not.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Bitchin about dating
This one will be full of complaints. You've been sufficiently warned.
I'm tired of dating. Yes, yes I know I've said this repeatedly, especially recently. Let's just say, though, that I'm tired of guys acting one way when you're together and then never hearing from them.
Example one: back sometime last fall I met a guy out and about and we really hit it off. We had a great night together, made out a bit, he asked for my number. He called me as soon as I left his car and got into my own that night so that I'd have his as well and told me to text him when I got home that night to make sure I got there safe. Even though I called him a couple times, I never heard from him again after than first night.
Example two: M. You may remember him from previous posts, but we met through friends, started talking/flirting and hanging out practically every weekend, and then one weekend we slept together (a drunken decision that I'm not too thrilled with, but life's too short for regrets, so c'est la vie). The next morning, everything seemed fine and he mentioned something about getting together that week to go see a movie. He never called and when we saw each other out the next weekend, he ignored me and pretty much has ever since.
Example three: I'm not going to get into too many details with this one... but this past weekend there was a guy who seemed great and nice. Sweet as could be. He put his number in my phone since his was dead and told me to call him. Texted him yesterday, never heard back. Now I know, I could come up with a thousand reasons why I didn't hear back from him and tell myself that he still may call, but I guess that given my recent history with guys I'd rather be cynical and assume he was just another jerk, so I don't end up hurt.
Funny thing about Example three is that I felt butterflies with him. Was physically nervous (hand shaking so much I had many typos in my text to him that I had to keep correcting) about contacting him. Basically felt like I hadn't about any guy for a while. Yeah there's Bass, and San Francisco, who are fun to hang out with and whatnot, but I didn't feel like this with them. It was like giddy school-girl crush status, which is stupid, but which is also why I don't want to go into many details. For some reason want to keep this one more secret.
I'm tired of dating, but also don't want to end up alone, so I guess I just have to suck it up. At least I have my blog to bitch about it.
I'm tired of dating. Yes, yes I know I've said this repeatedly, especially recently. Let's just say, though, that I'm tired of guys acting one way when you're together and then never hearing from them.
Example one: back sometime last fall I met a guy out and about and we really hit it off. We had a great night together, made out a bit, he asked for my number. He called me as soon as I left his car and got into my own that night so that I'd have his as well and told me to text him when I got home that night to make sure I got there safe. Even though I called him a couple times, I never heard from him again after than first night.
Example two: M. You may remember him from previous posts, but we met through friends, started talking/flirting and hanging out practically every weekend, and then one weekend we slept together (a drunken decision that I'm not too thrilled with, but life's too short for regrets, so c'est la vie). The next morning, everything seemed fine and he mentioned something about getting together that week to go see a movie. He never called and when we saw each other out the next weekend, he ignored me and pretty much has ever since.
Example three: I'm not going to get into too many details with this one... but this past weekend there was a guy who seemed great and nice. Sweet as could be. He put his number in my phone since his was dead and told me to call him. Texted him yesterday, never heard back. Now I know, I could come up with a thousand reasons why I didn't hear back from him and tell myself that he still may call, but I guess that given my recent history with guys I'd rather be cynical and assume he was just another jerk, so I don't end up hurt.
Funny thing about Example three is that I felt butterflies with him. Was physically nervous (hand shaking so much I had many typos in my text to him that I had to keep correcting) about contacting him. Basically felt like I hadn't about any guy for a while. Yeah there's Bass, and San Francisco, who are fun to hang out with and whatnot, but I didn't feel like this with them. It was like giddy school-girl crush status, which is stupid, but which is also why I don't want to go into many details. For some reason want to keep this one more secret.
I'm tired of dating, but also don't want to end up alone, so I guess I just have to suck it up. At least I have my blog to bitch about it.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Oh what a weekend
The reunion was a blast! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and definitely got my $30 worth of alcohol. And then some. I also somehow managed to not pay for a single drink on the 4th or the reunion after party. How that happened? All I can say is that I love drunk boys from my class. They get me drunk as well. It was quite possibly one of the most fun weekends I've had in a while. All the effort I put into looking good definitely was worth it. Looking forward to the 15-year now!
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