First things first, I'm still doing the bootcamp and thrilled to be almost done with it. I'm just tired of all the working out and eating well. Feeling like I can't even have a piece of chocolate in the middle of the day. And I might cheat a little today, cuz my lunch just isn't all that appetizing to me and someone is supposed to bringing lunch into work today. I'm going to wait and see what they bring and then decide what I'm actually going to eat. But it has done pretty well for me... I'm down a total of 3.6 pounds since starting the program. I do plan on keeping some of the aspects after I'm officially done with the 2 weeks. I want to still walk, do circuit training, and do core strengthening, just not all of it every day. And I think I can keep eating pretty well, although I'll probably go back to taking it easier on the healthy eating over the weekend.
The bigger news of the week: my ex, the one who's main reason for breaking up with me and the one who a month ago in our last email exchange said he loved me and missed me but we should just consider oursleves single for a while and take things a day at a time? He's already got a new girlfriend. I happened to look at his myspace profile the other day, and he had changed his status back from single to in a relationship, he's moved me from top on his friends lis to #5 with this new girl top, and he has a picture of the two of them describing her as a "hottie."
It's like a slap in the face. (And now after typing that, all I can think of is that Alanis Morrisette song "You Oughta Know"). Seriously, did our relationship mean nothing to him? When we were together, he would discuss our future and indicate that we'd get married and have kids. Not just once, but on several occasions. How can he break up with me, claiming to want to be single, and then within a couple of months have a new girlfriend? I mean, technically we broke up in March, true. But at that time, we didn't talk for 2 weeks and didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and then we were right back to going out on the weekends, seeing each other through the week, etc. So I don't really consider us broken up until the middle of June. And yet, here he is, in a new relationship already. And I would bet money that he was already seeing this new girl when he sent me that last email.
I'm trying to deal with all the emotions I'm having about it. I'm really trying to make peace with the situation. After all, this knowledge really doesn't alter my life at all. The only thing that changes is now knowing that any fantasy I had of us running into each other and him wanting to get back together is over. But my feelings for him haven't changed. My day to day life hasn't changed. It was hard not talking to him before I knew this information, and it will continue to be hard not having him in my life. But then I'll be going about my day and something will make me think of him and I'll either have flashes of anger and hatred for him, or feelings of sadness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to force myself to be okay with it when I'm not really. But how are you supposed to deal when the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with replaces you so easily?
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Weekend of sins
I was very bad this weekend, on many levels. First, gossip out of the way. Let's just put it this way... I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have (no sex, just some other action). And these actions could cause major problems. A relationship could break up, a friendship could end, a family relationship could be strained. I don't want to get into details, lest you all judge me (although who could blame you for judging me based on what I have divulged). Both parties were wasted, and I mean wasted (power hour was involved, along with drinks beforehand and afterwards), but still no excuses. I feel awful about the whole thing, but I guess there's nothing that can be done now except wait and see where the chips fall.
The other sins aren't as bad. Basically, Friday night and Saturday night I went off the bikini bootcamp program to have a little fun. I know that two weeks isn't that long to abstain from alcohol, but my brother was having a party Friday night so obviously I was going to drink there. And one of my friends was leaving to move to LA yesterday, so Saturday night we indulged on a very extravagent, expensive dinner that involved an appetizer of lobster, crab cakes, and scallops, main courses of steak and lobster, a chocolatey cake for dessert, and a bottle of wine to wash it all down. It was pure heaven and a special treat to celebrate ourselves, which we decided should be donw much more often. However, it did make the weight go the opposite direction from where I wanted. Saturday morning I was actually down 3.4 pounds since the previous Monday when I started the program. Sunday I was back up by 2.8 of those pounds.
I know, you aren't supposed to weigh everyday but I like to monitor my progress. But I was frustrated today to find myself weighing the same thing as I did yesterday. Yes I overindulged and it takes a lot longer to work the weight off as it does to put it on. But the rest of Saturday I ate well and worked out. Yesterday I ate well and worked out according to the plan and was on my feet practically all day doing errands and housework. Plus, seeing as though I'm not a morning person, I have a hard time justifying getting up early to do yoga and walk for 70 minutes if it's not going to have the effect that I want. Plus, I know me and I know that it's unlikely in my life to not go out on the weekends and at least have a few drinks. I feel like the only way for me to do the program full-force this week is to not go out at all next weekend, which I obviously don't want to do. I'm a social person and like to go out.
I will say that I feel like lately my world has just imploded around me. I feel like there are too many changes and I don't know how to deal with them. I mean, basically in the past 2 months I've lost a relationship as well as 2 of my best friends here. And I didn't have that many friends to begin with. The ex was my best friend, so not only have a lost that romantic side of things with us, but also a friend to call on when I need them and just to hang out with. And with my other friend moving across the country, it's made me want to reach out to the ex even more. I wish I could just call him up and get together for dinner just to talk like we used to. I don't want to get back together with him (well not unless he had worked through his commitment issues) but I miss talking to him and hearing whats going on in his life. I feel like things are just so out of my control these days and I hate it. I try to hide my feelings and act like I'm okay, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm just wearing this mask and faking it. Fake it until you make it, or fake it until you believe it. But it's so hard to fake it all the time.
The other sins aren't as bad. Basically, Friday night and Saturday night I went off the bikini bootcamp program to have a little fun. I know that two weeks isn't that long to abstain from alcohol, but my brother was having a party Friday night so obviously I was going to drink there. And one of my friends was leaving to move to LA yesterday, so Saturday night we indulged on a very extravagent, expensive dinner that involved an appetizer of lobster, crab cakes, and scallops, main courses of steak and lobster, a chocolatey cake for dessert, and a bottle of wine to wash it all down. It was pure heaven and a special treat to celebrate ourselves, which we decided should be donw much more often. However, it did make the weight go the opposite direction from where I wanted. Saturday morning I was actually down 3.4 pounds since the previous Monday when I started the program. Sunday I was back up by 2.8 of those pounds.
I know, you aren't supposed to weigh everyday but I like to monitor my progress. But I was frustrated today to find myself weighing the same thing as I did yesterday. Yes I overindulged and it takes a lot longer to work the weight off as it does to put it on. But the rest of Saturday I ate well and worked out. Yesterday I ate well and worked out according to the plan and was on my feet practically all day doing errands and housework. Plus, seeing as though I'm not a morning person, I have a hard time justifying getting up early to do yoga and walk for 70 minutes if it's not going to have the effect that I want. Plus, I know me and I know that it's unlikely in my life to not go out on the weekends and at least have a few drinks. I feel like the only way for me to do the program full-force this week is to not go out at all next weekend, which I obviously don't want to do. I'm a social person and like to go out.
I will say that I feel like lately my world has just imploded around me. I feel like there are too many changes and I don't know how to deal with them. I mean, basically in the past 2 months I've lost a relationship as well as 2 of my best friends here. And I didn't have that many friends to begin with. The ex was my best friend, so not only have a lost that romantic side of things with us, but also a friend to call on when I need them and just to hang out with. And with my other friend moving across the country, it's made me want to reach out to the ex even more. I wish I could just call him up and get together for dinner just to talk like we used to. I don't want to get back together with him (well not unless he had worked through his commitment issues) but I miss talking to him and hearing whats going on in his life. I feel like things are just so out of my control these days and I hate it. I try to hide my feelings and act like I'm okay, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm just wearing this mask and faking it. Fake it until you make it, or fake it until you believe it. But it's so hard to fake it all the time.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
What was I thinking?
Every muscle in my body aches. I move even slightly and I'm in pain. Evil bikini bootcamp! As I blogged about yesterday, I have decided to undertake this program to jump-start my healthy eating and exercise habits again. I'm all sorts of excited about the possibilities it brings: losing weight!, tighter body!, more self-confidence! Or at least I was excited about it.
It's a lot easier to be excited about something, and determined to see it through, when your body doesn't feel as if you were run over by a school bus (like the reference to it being back to school time?!). It would also be a lot easier if it was one of those programs where you eased into it or where you only did circuit training (read: strength training) every other day. And that is what is encouraged after the 2 weeks on the program. For now, however, the only relief I get is not having to do core strengthening every day. That (which works the abs and lower back mostly) gets done every other day. Now part of the circuit training I do every day does involve exercises for those muscle groups also, so it's not really a break, just 20 minutes less every other day. I'm still going through with it though. I'm still determined, even if it means I feel like this forever. I know after a few days my body should be used to it and I won't ache as much, but it's hard to focus on that right now.
One thing I really do like about this program is how it's really a whole body thing. Body and mind. You do meditation every day, which allows for release of negative emotions (which I've had plenty of lately). It also incorporates journal writing, which allows you to vent about anything and everything, helping you gain perspective and clear your mind. And my favorite part (which I'll admit I didn't actually do yesterday because it would have meant another shower, which I just didn't have time for)? At-home spa treatments! A little pampering for your weary soul after the all day workouts. Yesterday I was supposed to do something to my hair, but as I said I didn't have time for the extra shower that required. Today, however, I fully plan on taking the time to enjoy an avocado facial mask. I'll let you know how it goes.
Anyone else trying to get back in shape? It always helps to go through these things together, so I'd love to hear your stories.
It's a lot easier to be excited about something, and determined to see it through, when your body doesn't feel as if you were run over by a school bus (like the reference to it being back to school time?!). It would also be a lot easier if it was one of those programs where you eased into it or where you only did circuit training (read: strength training) every other day. And that is what is encouraged after the 2 weeks on the program. For now, however, the only relief I get is not having to do core strengthening every day. That (which works the abs and lower back mostly) gets done every other day. Now part of the circuit training I do every day does involve exercises for those muscle groups also, so it's not really a break, just 20 minutes less every other day. I'm still going through with it though. I'm still determined, even if it means I feel like this forever. I know after a few days my body should be used to it and I won't ache as much, but it's hard to focus on that right now.
One thing I really do like about this program is how it's really a whole body thing. Body and mind. You do meditation every day, which allows for release of negative emotions (which I've had plenty of lately). It also incorporates journal writing, which allows you to vent about anything and everything, helping you gain perspective and clear your mind. And my favorite part (which I'll admit I didn't actually do yesterday because it would have meant another shower, which I just didn't have time for)? At-home spa treatments! A little pampering for your weary soul after the all day workouts. Yesterday I was supposed to do something to my hair, but as I said I didn't have time for the extra shower that required. Today, however, I fully plan on taking the time to enjoy an avocado facial mask. I'll let you know how it goes.
Anyone else trying to get back in shape? It always helps to go through these things together, so I'd love to hear your stories.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Bikini Bootcamp
**WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST TO FOLLOW**
I went to the bookstore last week (I think it was Wednesday, but I suppose that's somewhat irrelevant) to get books about traveling. I want to go on a vacation pretty badly, and don't really care where I go. I haven't been on a real vacation (read: longer than a long weekend) since last November when I went to Mexico with the ex (you know I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning him, although I think that's all he will be mentioned the rest of the post). I kind of want to take a trip by myself to relax, unwind, forget about all the cares in the world, and do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. So I went to the bookstore (B&N for those who care) to get this book I had heard about called 100 Places Every Woman Should Go by Stephanie Elizondo Griest. I figured this would give me some good ideas of where to go and what to do when I went there. Granted, I'm not planning on having the money for a good vacation for a while still. That gives me plenty of time to figure out what to do on this "All About Me" vacation. None of this is the point to this post. The point to the post is coming up though.
While at B&N, I wandered around a bit. I should never be allowed to do this, because, inevitably, I find other things that I feel I need at that moment. Of course this happened once again. I came across this book called Bikini Bootcamp by Melissa Perlman and Erica Gragg. These two woman have created the Amansala Spa (which, coincidentally I've decided might just be where I want to go on my vacation) in Mexico, which as far as I can tell encourages women to relax, take care of themselves, and forget about the stress of everyday life (doesn't that sound almost exactly like what I wanted?). So they have this program at the Amansala Spa called Bikini Bootcamp, which is where this book comes from. Having lost some weight this year (about 20 pounds, with at least another 20 to 25 left to lose) and no longer motivated to work out and eat well, as I had been, I decided that maybe this book would be a good way to get my butt back into gear. Especially since my aunt has challenged me to a mini-competition. She is participating in a Biggest Loser type of program at her work, where she has people sponsoring her and for every pound she loses, they contribute a certain amount of money which goes to charity (I hope that ridiculous sentence makes sense). So, knowing that I've lost motivation, she's helping me out by seeing which one of us can lose the biggest percentage of weight from now (well last week) until October 13. So I get this Bikini Bootcamp book, which is complete with exercises and meal plans for two weeks and I'm all gung-ho about starting the program. I'm really about to get to the point of the post now...
Well you can't start a program at the end of the week or on a weekend, so today is my first day. I went grocery shopping yesterday to get all the things I needed and decided that there's no reason one person should spend $150 on groceries just for herself for one week. But I'm determined to do this right, so I dutifully get all things on the list (well except for the few things I don't like, like avocados, and a few things I couldn't find, like flax seeds). let me tell you, my cart was already practically full by the time I had gotten through just the produce section. Does one girl really need 6 heads of lettuce for one week?! Again, I'm thinking no, but I'm determined so I get them all. My hope is that I'll see how much I get through this week and then make necessary adjustments for next week. Anyway, so I get home from the grocery store and open up the book to mentally prepare myself and go over what I'm supposed to do today...
I went to the bookstore last week (I think it was Wednesday, but I suppose that's somewhat irrelevant) to get books about traveling. I want to go on a vacation pretty badly, and don't really care where I go. I haven't been on a real vacation (read: longer than a long weekend) since last November when I went to Mexico with the ex (you know I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning him, although I think that's all he will be mentioned the rest of the post). I kind of want to take a trip by myself to relax, unwind, forget about all the cares in the world, and do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. So I went to the bookstore (B&N for those who care) to get this book I had heard about called 100 Places Every Woman Should Go by Stephanie Elizondo Griest. I figured this would give me some good ideas of where to go and what to do when I went there. Granted, I'm not planning on having the money for a good vacation for a while still. That gives me plenty of time to figure out what to do on this "All About Me" vacation. None of this is the point to this post. The point to the post is coming up though.
While at B&N, I wandered around a bit. I should never be allowed to do this, because, inevitably, I find other things that I feel I need at that moment. Of course this happened once again. I came across this book called Bikini Bootcamp by Melissa Perlman and Erica Gragg. These two woman have created the Amansala Spa (which, coincidentally I've decided might just be where I want to go on my vacation) in Mexico, which as far as I can tell encourages women to relax, take care of themselves, and forget about the stress of everyday life (doesn't that sound almost exactly like what I wanted?). So they have this program at the Amansala Spa called Bikini Bootcamp, which is where this book comes from. Having lost some weight this year (about 20 pounds, with at least another 20 to 25 left to lose) and no longer motivated to work out and eat well, as I had been, I decided that maybe this book would be a good way to get my butt back into gear. Especially since my aunt has challenged me to a mini-competition. She is participating in a Biggest Loser type of program at her work, where she has people sponsoring her and for every pound she loses, they contribute a certain amount of money which goes to charity (I hope that ridiculous sentence makes sense). So, knowing that I've lost motivation, she's helping me out by seeing which one of us can lose the biggest percentage of weight from now (well last week) until October 13. So I get this Bikini Bootcamp book, which is complete with exercises and meal plans for two weeks and I'm all gung-ho about starting the program. I'm really about to get to the point of the post now...
Well you can't start a program at the end of the week or on a weekend, so today is my first day. I went grocery shopping yesterday to get all the things I needed and decided that there's no reason one person should spend $150 on groceries just for herself for one week. But I'm determined to do this right, so I dutifully get all things on the list (well except for the few things I don't like, like avocados, and a few things I couldn't find, like flax seeds). let me tell you, my cart was already practically full by the time I had gotten through just the produce section. Does one girl really need 6 heads of lettuce for one week?! Again, I'm thinking no, but I'm determined so I get them all. My hope is that I'll see how much I get through this week and then make necessary adjustments for next week. Anyway, so I get home from the grocery store and open up the book to mentally prepare myself and go over what I'm supposed to do today...
- 15 minutes of yoga
- 1 hour of walking, plus 5 minutes warm-up and 5 minutes cool-down
- 45 minutes of circuit training
- 20 minutes of core strengthening exercises
- 15 minutes of journal writing, and
- 15 minutes of meditation
For anyone keeping track, that's 3 hours of stuff. And that doesn't even include cooking the meals I have dutifully grocery-shopped for and eating said meals. Now, I don't get home from work on Mondays until 5:30 or 6. Then I have to spend some time taking my dog out for a walk and changing my clothes. So let's assume all that takes 30 minutes. That puts my start time for all of this at 6 or 6:30. I do all my stuff and it's already 9 or 9:30! Like I'm going to cook dinner then. Again, however, I'm determined to do this right. Granted, they did say you could do the journal writing whenever you have time, so I'll do that today at work, and meditation could be done right before you go to bed, so that's when I'll do that. That leaves me with a mere 2 and a half hours of stuff to do. Still thinking I wouldn't want to do all of that when I got home from work, what do I do? I get my ass out of bed at 5:45 this morning so I can do my yoga and walk before I shower and get myself ready for work. Let me emphasize this point: I am not a morning person. So I really must be determined if I'm willing to get myself up before the sun rises to exercise. Especially knowing that I have a second workout planned for when I get home.
Let me further this by saying that breakfast this morning was a blueberry smoothie. Now, I'm all about the smoothies you get at places like Jamba Juice, but this was not one of those types of smoothies. This was the barely sweet kind that you have to force down. Not that it didn't taste good, it did, it just wasn't what I like in something called a smoothie. Plus, I think of smoothies as being for snacks (which may be why I needed Bikini Bootcamp in the first place). If I'm eating breakfast, I want something more substantial than a smoothie.
Now, having complained about the amount of money I spent at the grocery store, complained about the amount of exercise I have to do, forcing me to get up before I sometimes even get to bed on the weekends, and complained about the first breakfast, I will say that I'm still positive about this program. I think it is what I need to kick-start my butt back into gear. Plus, I'm sure it's more than my aunt is doing, so I'm well on my way to winning the mini-competition. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through 2 weeks of hell and then I can normalize out and not have to get up at the crack of dawn or spend as much money. My advice to all of you loyal readers is this: Do not be fooled by anything with the word "bootcamp" in it, even if it is preceeded by "Bikini." It will be tough and a lot of work. All I know is that I better see results for it to be worth it. I'll keep you all posted. And I apologize for the ridiculously long post.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Dating update
Here's a problem I have with dating. I apparently got spoiled with my ex and our first date. There was an instant connection, good chemistry, really comfortable right from the beginning, and I found him attractive right away. I haven't found that again. The two guys I've been out with so far this week just didn't have that connection.
Okay so the first guy. He was nice enough. We had a pretty good conversation, flowed pretty well, no awkward silences really. But as I sat there at dinner, I just didn't feel like I could ever see myself being romantically involved with him, kissing him etc. Not that he was bad looking, just couldn't see it. So I thought, okay well if he calls I'll maybe go out with him again and see if I can't stir up any thoughts that way. He emailed me the next day and said dinner was "great" (really? great? I would have gone with average, but that's just me) and that he'd love to do it again sometime and he hoped to hear from me soon. I thought, okay thats good. I'll email him back tomorrow and maybe try to set something up. Then he calls that night! Okay, whoa there buddy. You emailed, I didn't respond yet, don't call also! At least not the same day! Am I wrong? To me that just reeks of desperation or something. i figure I'll still email him back and let him know that we could go out again, but that I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not looking to jump into something serious and I'm dating around and taking things slow. See how he is with that.
Second date. Again, the guy was nice enough. The conversation wasn't as free-flowing, to the point where he even said on a couple different occasions, "Do you have any questions for me?" I'm sorry, I didn't know this was a job interview. I mean, I guess it is kind of, but don't ask that! Plus I didn't feel like he and I had that much in common. He's a morning person, I'm a night owl. He's really active, sometimes going running twice a day just cuz he's bored, I'm active, but enjoy my couch also. He didn't even get a drink with dinner, which made me feel like I shouldn't. And I had been looking forward to a margarita with my Mexican food all day! The good thing is that when we parted ways after dinner, he said "Well you have my number so if you'd like to hang out feel free to give me a call. I won't bother you or anything." So I guess balls in my court on this one. He pretty much made it easy to not call him ever again and not seem like a bitch.
That's how my week has panned out so far. My friend at work is going to try and see about setting me up with the guy she knows tonight possibly. I'm actually looking forward to that more than either of the dates this week. I didn't want to go on these dates at all, which might have been why I wasn't that into them. But at least this other guy knows someone I know. So it doens't feel as weird. But again, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to get in the game again. I know that I still want to be with my ex, so it all feels fake to me. Am I being too picky? Do I have standards of perfection that are just too damn high?
Okay so the first guy. He was nice enough. We had a pretty good conversation, flowed pretty well, no awkward silences really. But as I sat there at dinner, I just didn't feel like I could ever see myself being romantically involved with him, kissing him etc. Not that he was bad looking, just couldn't see it. So I thought, okay well if he calls I'll maybe go out with him again and see if I can't stir up any thoughts that way. He emailed me the next day and said dinner was "great" (really? great? I would have gone with average, but that's just me) and that he'd love to do it again sometime and he hoped to hear from me soon. I thought, okay thats good. I'll email him back tomorrow and maybe try to set something up. Then he calls that night! Okay, whoa there buddy. You emailed, I didn't respond yet, don't call also! At least not the same day! Am I wrong? To me that just reeks of desperation or something. i figure I'll still email him back and let him know that we could go out again, but that I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not looking to jump into something serious and I'm dating around and taking things slow. See how he is with that.
Second date. Again, the guy was nice enough. The conversation wasn't as free-flowing, to the point where he even said on a couple different occasions, "Do you have any questions for me?" I'm sorry, I didn't know this was a job interview. I mean, I guess it is kind of, but don't ask that! Plus I didn't feel like he and I had that much in common. He's a morning person, I'm a night owl. He's really active, sometimes going running twice a day just cuz he's bored, I'm active, but enjoy my couch also. He didn't even get a drink with dinner, which made me feel like I shouldn't. And I had been looking forward to a margarita with my Mexican food all day! The good thing is that when we parted ways after dinner, he said "Well you have my number so if you'd like to hang out feel free to give me a call. I won't bother you or anything." So I guess balls in my court on this one. He pretty much made it easy to not call him ever again and not seem like a bitch.
That's how my week has panned out so far. My friend at work is going to try and see about setting me up with the guy she knows tonight possibly. I'm actually looking forward to that more than either of the dates this week. I didn't want to go on these dates at all, which might have been why I wasn't that into them. But at least this other guy knows someone I know. So it doens't feel as weird. But again, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to get in the game again. I know that I still want to be with my ex, so it all feels fake to me. Am I being too picky? Do I have standards of perfection that are just too damn high?
Monday, August 13, 2007
A week of dating
Apparently this week is all about dating for me. I have a date tonight with one guy, one tomorrow with a different guy, and then my friend at work today told me that she has "the perfect guy" for me. Let me now take the time to point out that I am still over the whole concept of love. Quite honestly, I'm not looking forward to any of this.
It just seems like so much effort to put in to something that most likely will not work out in the end. Plus, I've always been bad at dating multiple guys at the same time. I've always been one who will go out with a guy once and determine from there what I want to happen. If I like the guy, then I generally am content with just seeing him, even if he may not be on the same page. This doesn't mean I consider him my boyfriend right away, I just don't look for anyone else because I'm hoping that things will work out with this guy. Or, if I feel lukewarm about the guy, then I generally don't bother going out with him again. Why waste anyone's time? So it's weird for me in the first place to have 2 dates, on back to back days let alone the same week.
I feel bad because given my bitter state, I'm not looking to date anyone or start a relationship with anyone. So I feel like I should just concentrate on myself and not even go out on dates. But I guess it beats sitting at home by myself. Maybe. Possibly not. At least I should be getting two free meals out of this week. If these guys are any kind of gentlemen they wouldn't let me pay. I'll let you know it goes.
It just seems like so much effort to put in to something that most likely will not work out in the end. Plus, I've always been bad at dating multiple guys at the same time. I've always been one who will go out with a guy once and determine from there what I want to happen. If I like the guy, then I generally am content with just seeing him, even if he may not be on the same page. This doesn't mean I consider him my boyfriend right away, I just don't look for anyone else because I'm hoping that things will work out with this guy. Or, if I feel lukewarm about the guy, then I generally don't bother going out with him again. Why waste anyone's time? So it's weird for me in the first place to have 2 dates, on back to back days let alone the same week.
I feel bad because given my bitter state, I'm not looking to date anyone or start a relationship with anyone. So I feel like I should just concentrate on myself and not even go out on dates. But I guess it beats sitting at home by myself. Maybe. Possibly not. At least I should be getting two free meals out of this week. If these guys are any kind of gentlemen they wouldn't let me pay. I'll let you know it goes.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Changes are coming
Okay so my bitter attitude is a change for me, as I described in my previous post. I'm still feeling the same... I'm over the idea of me falling in love. I do want to clarify that I think love is great for other people and for those who are in love I'm very happy. I even want my ex to fall in love with someone someday. It won't be me, and thats fine. I just don't want him to be alone for the rest of the life.
I did something fun today... I pretty much got my hair all chopped off. I went into my hairdresser and told her "I want a change. I'm putty in your hands. Whatever you think would look good, I'm ready for it." She seemed to enjoy it once she made sure I meant it. So my hair was originally about halfway down my back. Now I have this cute bob type style that is longer in front and shorter in the back. We also made it a bit darker (milk chocolate is the technical name for the color) and it has a couple blonde highlights throughout. I'd say that it's a little bit like a longer version of Katie Holmes new haircut. Maybe I'm wrong in that assessment, but I don't really care. All I know is that I haven't had my hair this short since I was about 3. And I love it. Love it! Granted I still have to see if I can make it look as cute when I style it myself, but I think it's a great change for me. Am I the only one who does this type of thing? A major change in my life makes me want to basically start over completely and change other things. Some of it physical, like the haircut, but other changes too... like I'm reading The Art of Happiness, which was written by this guy and is basically a bunch of conversations with the Dalai Lama. I've only just started reading it, but I think it's going to make me look at the world differently. Does this seem silly? I mean, why didn't I do these things before? I think the changes (except maybe my new bitter outlook on love) are going to be really good for me.
I did something fun today... I pretty much got my hair all chopped off. I went into my hairdresser and told her "I want a change. I'm putty in your hands. Whatever you think would look good, I'm ready for it." She seemed to enjoy it once she made sure I meant it. So my hair was originally about halfway down my back. Now I have this cute bob type style that is longer in front and shorter in the back. We also made it a bit darker (milk chocolate is the technical name for the color) and it has a couple blonde highlights throughout. I'd say that it's a little bit like a longer version of Katie Holmes new haircut. Maybe I'm wrong in that assessment, but I don't really care. All I know is that I haven't had my hair this short since I was about 3. And I love it. Love it! Granted I still have to see if I can make it look as cute when I style it myself, but I think it's a great change for me. Am I the only one who does this type of thing? A major change in my life makes me want to basically start over completely and change other things. Some of it physical, like the haircut, but other changes too... like I'm reading The Art of Happiness, which was written by this guy and is basically a bunch of conversations with the Dalai Lama. I've only just started reading it, but I think it's going to make me look at the world differently. Does this seem silly? I mean, why didn't I do these things before? I think the changes (except maybe my new bitter outlook on love) are going to be really good for me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Bitter? Cynical? Maybe just real...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm done with love. This new twist in my relationship with the ex has just proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he and I are officially done. Yes I could have come to that conclusion (and pretty much had) when I didn't hear from him in a month and a half, but I could always have fantasies about him calling me up and wanting me back. Having heard straight from him that he's not in love with me, and isn't the guy I need him to be, has shut down my heart. I'm so sick and tired of hearing from my previous relationships that I'm a great girl, smart, funny, cute, and will make some guy really happy someday, but he just isn't the one. If I'm so wonderful, then why the hell do they break up with me? Do me the favor and don't tell me how great I am when you obviously don't mean it, cuz if you did we'd still be together. I never want to feel this way again. And the only way to ensure that I never feel this way again is to make sure I never fall in love again. Which is hard to come to grips with, since I've always been a big fan of love.
What do I really need a man for anyway? I mean, let's think about the big reasons: children? I can always adopt or do the sperm bank thing if I want biological children. I think I'm strong enough to raise kids on my own. money? I have a good job that pays well enough for me to pay all my bills, buy the things I need, and have enough left over to have some fun. Plus I'm investing in my 401k, so I'm already saving for the future. sex? this is probably the hardest one, but I've got toys that feel just as good and don't leave me. compainionship? I have a dog and when I need other people, I have a wonderful family and group of friends who I can spend time with. I can't think of a single good reason to have a man in my life when there's a probability that it won't work out and I'll be feeling like this again. Am I wrong?
What do I really need a man for anyway? I mean, let's think about the big reasons: children? I can always adopt or do the sperm bank thing if I want biological children. I think I'm strong enough to raise kids on my own. money? I have a good job that pays well enough for me to pay all my bills, buy the things I need, and have enough left over to have some fun. Plus I'm investing in my 401k, so I'm already saving for the future. sex? this is probably the hardest one, but I've got toys that feel just as good and don't leave me. compainionship? I have a dog and when I need other people, I have a wonderful family and group of friends who I can spend time with. I can't think of a single good reason to have a man in my life when there's a probability that it won't work out and I'll be feeling like this again. Am I wrong?
Monday, August 6, 2007
He actually wrote back...
which I'm kind of thinking now I wish he hadn't. Cuz now I'm in tears at work and trying to be strong and whatever, but it cuts through me. He basically said not to blame myself for the way things happened and he didn't care about the drunk dial. He then went on to say that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. That he thought I realized that too since we kept having arguments (which he fails to realize was really only when we were drunk, but whatever). He said that we should consider ourselves both single (which I did from the first break-up, but again whatever), because I'm a great girl and would find someone soon and holding ontom my feelings for him might make me miss that someone. He said that he didn't mind talking or emailing me, but that it was too hard to hang out without feelings getting involved. He said that he missed me too, but he just wasn't what I needed in a guy.
It wasn't the closure I wanted. no mention of maybe being friends in the future. But hey, at least it's closure, right? And yes it hurts like hell now, but it will get better, right? RIGHT?!
It wasn't the closure I wanted. no mention of maybe being friends in the future. But hey, at least it's closure, right? And yes it hurts like hell now, but it will get better, right? RIGHT?!
Bad Jenn update
Okay, so possibly against my better judgment I sent the ex an email. As my friend at work said, "If he doesn't respond, at least you got some things off your chest about it. Plus he's not emailing you now anyway, so it really won't be any different." I went with that.
The email basically said that I was sorry for calling him drunk and that it wouldn't happen again. Then I went on to say how I hated the way things ended between us and I wish I hadn't made as big of a deal about the festival thing as I had. I said I wouldn't apologize for my feelings because I thought they were valid, but I was sorry I had let it become a bigger deal and be the end of things between us. I told him that I thought he was an amazing person and has endured so much in his life that I hope one day he'll let someone love him the way I tried to, and that he would love them in return. I told him that I knew he'd make a great husband one day if he just lets himself get to that point. I did make it clear that my writing him wasn't a push to win him back and that I didn't really expect a response. That I was just really hoping to feel a little more closure with the way things ended between us, and that I hoped that someday we could be friends again because I missed his friendship.
Now of course I'm nervous, because true I'd LOVE to hear from him. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm hoping that I did the right thing. Would you have done the same thing in my position?
The email basically said that I was sorry for calling him drunk and that it wouldn't happen again. Then I went on to say how I hated the way things ended between us and I wish I hadn't made as big of a deal about the festival thing as I had. I said I wouldn't apologize for my feelings because I thought they were valid, but I was sorry I had let it become a bigger deal and be the end of things between us. I told him that I thought he was an amazing person and has endured so much in his life that I hope one day he'll let someone love him the way I tried to, and that he would love them in return. I told him that I knew he'd make a great husband one day if he just lets himself get to that point. I did make it clear that my writing him wasn't a push to win him back and that I didn't really expect a response. That I was just really hoping to feel a little more closure with the way things ended between us, and that I hoped that someday we could be friends again because I missed his friendship.
Now of course I'm nervous, because true I'd LOVE to hear from him. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm hoping that I did the right thing. Would you have done the same thing in my position?
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Bad Jenn
I did something stupid Friday night. I had gone out with my brother, sister-in-law, and a couple of my brothers friends and had a great time. I was flirting with one of the guys, and he was flirting back and everything was great. We all ended up coming back to my house, since thats where we started and I had all the beer/alcohol there. Well my brother and sister-in-law needed to get back home to take care of their dog so my dad came to get them (he's good like that... he'd rather pick us up at all hours of the night than have us spend our money on a taxi). So my dad offered everyone a ride home, and everyone went, including the guy who was flirting with me. Now I do understand his logic... my brother would be none to happy if I hooked up randomly with one of his best friends. Unfortunately, because I was then all worked up and wanting some action, plus not ready to go to bed yet, I called the ex.
STUPID! Of course he didn't answer, nor did he ever call me back, which just sent me to tears and feeling bad about the whole thing. I mean, I still miss him and hate that we're no longer together. And he was my best friend here, so I just miss being able to talk to him and hear how everything is going in his life. So now I have this dilemma... part of me wants to send him an email saying sorry for drunk dialing him and then getting a few things off my chest in oder to help me get a little more closure on the situation. But the other part of me knows that he probably won't write back, which will just make me more upset again. Even telling myself that I don't expect a response from him and that I'm doing this for me and not him, it will still hurt if it doesn't mean enough to him to even acknowledge me with a response.
So the question is, do I write him to try to feel more closure with the break-up? Or do I just let fate take its course, knowing that I still won't have my closure, but if its meant to be we'll somehow end up back together? If anyone has any strong opinions about this, I'm all ears.
STUPID! Of course he didn't answer, nor did he ever call me back, which just sent me to tears and feeling bad about the whole thing. I mean, I still miss him and hate that we're no longer together. And he was my best friend here, so I just miss being able to talk to him and hear how everything is going in his life. So now I have this dilemma... part of me wants to send him an email saying sorry for drunk dialing him and then getting a few things off my chest in oder to help me get a little more closure on the situation. But the other part of me knows that he probably won't write back, which will just make me more upset again. Even telling myself that I don't expect a response from him and that I'm doing this for me and not him, it will still hurt if it doesn't mean enough to him to even acknowledge me with a response.
So the question is, do I write him to try to feel more closure with the break-up? Or do I just let fate take its course, knowing that I still won't have my closure, but if its meant to be we'll somehow end up back together? If anyone has any strong opinions about this, I'm all ears.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Music
I love music. Pretty much any kind, depending on my mood. I almost always have music on around me... when driving in my car, when sitting at work with nothing to do, while playing on my computer at home, etc. I just can't deal with silence. Music just speaks to me. I feel so much through the words of a song, and I really think that it influences my emotions. My ex never listened to the actual words of songs, but liked songs based on their beat/melody, which is fine, but if I ever felt like a song connected to me and reminded me of him and he heard it, he never got the connection. But anyway...
So I was driving home from work last night, jumping around on the radio stations. I finally settled on one which plays mostly older songs (not oldies, but like from the 80's and 90's) because it was the only station playing any music at the time. So there I was singing along with whatever song came on. One song ended and the song "Maneater" by Hall and Oates comes on (I don't know who of you out there know the song, but its about a woman who basically just eats men up, never falls in love, never settles down, etc.). The song came out when I was like 4 or 5 I think, and I LOVED it back then. I mean, I'd make my dad play it and I would sing it and dance around my living room. Of course at the time I had no idea what the song meant, I just knew the video had a panther in it which I thought was way cool. But I'm thinking that if that was my "theme song" so to speak back in the day, maybe that's why I never seem to find guys who are ready for commitment! Kind of like the song backfired for me or something! Ha ha. Maybe I should become more like the "maneater" and not give a shit either.
Am I the only one who really feels the lyrics to music? I feel like now every song has a meaning and it's as if each song was written for me. I really wish I had a soundtrack of my life... it would be crazy.
So I was driving home from work last night, jumping around on the radio stations. I finally settled on one which plays mostly older songs (not oldies, but like from the 80's and 90's) because it was the only station playing any music at the time. So there I was singing along with whatever song came on. One song ended and the song "Maneater" by Hall and Oates comes on (I don't know who of you out there know the song, but its about a woman who basically just eats men up, never falls in love, never settles down, etc.). The song came out when I was like 4 or 5 I think, and I LOVED it back then. I mean, I'd make my dad play it and I would sing it and dance around my living room. Of course at the time I had no idea what the song meant, I just knew the video had a panther in it which I thought was way cool. But I'm thinking that if that was my "theme song" so to speak back in the day, maybe that's why I never seem to find guys who are ready for commitment! Kind of like the song backfired for me or something! Ha ha. Maybe I should become more like the "maneater" and not give a shit either.
Am I the only one who really feels the lyrics to music? I feel like now every song has a meaning and it's as if each song was written for me. I really wish I had a soundtrack of my life... it would be crazy.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
My love for reality TV
I hate to admit it sometimes, but I really do love reality TV. I find it all just so amusing! I'm one of those people who will watch something for the first time, and then get totally sucked into it, even if it's awful! My current favorite is So You Think You Can Dance (because, I DO truly think I can dance, and usually proceed to do so at some point while watching the show. Don't worry, I make sure all my blinds are closed so that my neighbors do not see me breakin it down and shakin my ass in my living room all by myself). Big Brother 8 is running a close second. I will now describe to you WHY I have love for these shows:
SYTYCD: All I have to say is men who can dance are hot. I am totally in love with Dominic (he's got that bad-boy look, but seems really sweet and funny), but I think he may be sent packing tonight since he was in the bottom two last week. That being said, I think all the guys are good-looking and I actually wouldn't mind if this show just kept everyone around all the time. Couldn't it just be a show about 20 hot people who dance? I also have a girl crush on 3 of the 4 remaining girls left. I think maybe it just shows that I need to get out there and dance more often. Some of the routines are incredibly hot and leave me with dirty, dirty thoughts in my head.
BB8: These people are crazy! It takes no actual talent to be on the show. You don't have to have any skills or be smart. In fact, sometimes the least talented and dumbest people get cast. But by far, the reason I love this show is that the people on it say the best lines. Case in point, Jameka from the show on Tuesday actually said, with a straight face, "God is a ganster." How could you not love that?!
I know, random post today, but better than complaining. See, I do actually like things!
SYTYCD: All I have to say is men who can dance are hot. I am totally in love with Dominic (he's got that bad-boy look, but seems really sweet and funny), but I think he may be sent packing tonight since he was in the bottom two last week. That being said, I think all the guys are good-looking and I actually wouldn't mind if this show just kept everyone around all the time. Couldn't it just be a show about 20 hot people who dance? I also have a girl crush on 3 of the 4 remaining girls left. I think maybe it just shows that I need to get out there and dance more often. Some of the routines are incredibly hot and leave me with dirty, dirty thoughts in my head.
BB8: These people are crazy! It takes no actual talent to be on the show. You don't have to have any skills or be smart. In fact, sometimes the least talented and dumbest people get cast. But by far, the reason I love this show is that the people on it say the best lines. Case in point, Jameka from the show on Tuesday actually said, with a straight face, "God is a ganster." How could you not love that?!
I know, random post today, but better than complaining. See, I do actually like things!
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