Weekend of sins

I was very bad this weekend, on many levels. First, gossip out of the way. Let's just put it this way... I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have (no sex, just some other action). And these actions could cause major problems. A relationship could break up, a friendship could end, a family relationship could be strained. I don't want to get into details, lest you all judge me (although who could blame you for judging me based on what I have divulged). Both parties were wasted, and I mean wasted (power hour was involved, along with drinks beforehand and afterwards), but still no excuses. I feel awful about the whole thing, but I guess there's nothing that can be done now except wait and see where the chips fall.

The other sins aren't as bad. Basically, Friday night and Saturday night I went off the bikini bootcamp program to have a little fun. I know that two weeks isn't that long to abstain from alcohol, but my brother was having a party Friday night so obviously I was going to drink there. And one of my friends was leaving to move to LA yesterday, so Saturday night we indulged on a very extravagent, expensive dinner that involved an appetizer of lobster, crab cakes, and scallops, main courses of steak and lobster, a chocolatey cake for dessert, and a bottle of wine to wash it all down. It was pure heaven and a special treat to celebrate ourselves, which we decided should be donw much more often. However, it did make the weight go the opposite direction from where I wanted. Saturday morning I was actually down 3.4 pounds since the previous Monday when I started the program. Sunday I was back up by 2.8 of those pounds.

I know, you aren't supposed to weigh everyday but I like to monitor my progress. But I was frustrated today to find myself weighing the same thing as I did yesterday. Yes I overindulged and it takes a lot longer to work the weight off as it does to put it on. But the rest of Saturday I ate well and worked out. Yesterday I ate well and worked out according to the plan and was on my feet practically all day doing errands and housework. Plus, seeing as though I'm not a morning person, I have a hard time justifying getting up early to do yoga and walk for 70 minutes if it's not going to have the effect that I want. Plus, I know me and I know that it's unlikely in my life to not go out on the weekends and at least have a few drinks. I feel like the only way for me to do the program full-force this week is to not go out at all next weekend, which I obviously don't want to do. I'm a social person and like to go out.

I will say that I feel like lately my world has just imploded around me. I feel like there are too many changes and I don't know how to deal with them. I mean, basically in the past 2 months I've lost a relationship as well as 2 of my best friends here. And I didn't have that many friends to begin with. The ex was my best friend, so not only have a lost that romantic side of things with us, but also a friend to call on when I need them and just to hang out with. And with my other friend moving across the country, it's made me want to reach out to the ex even more. I wish I could just call him up and get together for dinner just to talk like we used to. I don't want to get back together with him (well not unless he had worked through his commitment issues) but I miss talking to him and hearing whats going on in his life. I feel like things are just so out of my control these days and I hate it. I try to hide my feelings and act like I'm okay, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm just wearing this mask and faking it. Fake it until you make it, or fake it until you believe it. But it's so hard to fake it all the time.