I hate dating

I had a date last night. I'm doing the eHarmony thing (which coincidentally is where I met my ex the first time I tried it), and have been out with two different guys now from it. See I really am trying to move on past my ex. Problem being that I haven't like either guy. The first one was funny and we got along, but I didn't find him attractive at all. The guy last night was cuter, but I just found him to be a little too dorky and the conversation just really wasn't there. Plus, even though I found him cuter, I still couldn't ever picture myself kissing him, let alone anything else.

It seems like I really only meet two types of guys. Dorks, who I'm not attracted to but who would probably treat me well. And cocky guys, who I'm attracted to but probably would end up being jerks or only in it for the sex. I think thats why I loved (and still love) my ex. He had the right balance between dork and cocky. He was cute, but not so hot that I would worry that every girl at the bar would hit on him if he went out with his friends (although I'm sure he got some level of girls hitting on him). He was funny, nice, talkative. We got along from the instant I met him, and there was definitely attraction there. Plus he is a little on the dorkier side, in that he likes watching things about history and nature on television. Thats not all he watches, but you get my point. He was the perfect blend. And the more I go out with guys who I don't end up liking, the more it reminds me of how good he was. It honestly makes me think that he really is the one for me, and if he isn't the one for me, maybe there isn't one for me at all.

Slap on the wrist

I'm giving myself a slap on the wrist right now, because I gave in to temptation a bit a few minutes ago. I was going back and forth about do I ignore my ex and let him come to me, or do I send him an email? I wanted to try really hard to ignore him and wait and see how long it took for him to contact me, but I gave in. I sent him an email basically saying that I had been mad but probably not for the reasons he thought and that Iw as mostly over it by now but still wanted to talk about it at some point so he knew where I was coming from. I also said that I was trying to give him some space right now which is why he hadn't heard from me and probably would hear less of me for a while (God-willing!) so that it would be up to him if he wanted to see me. I did try to make the email light-hearted by throwing in a joke or two, but I think it got my point across. I just hope it gets through to him and I get a response. I gave in because I knew it would drive me up a wall to just wait it out... I needed to take some sort of action. Plus I can already feel myself slipping away from the resolve of telling him I can't do this casual dating thing anymore. I want to tell him that, but the longer it is before hearing from him, the easier it is for me to forgive him because I'm not as mad anymore. And so maybe that shows how I really feel about it... that I want to work things out with him no matter what. But I do know that I deserve better and to be with someone who generally wants me around and doesn't make me feel like a slut. And right now I feel like, given the choice, he would rather only I be around when he wants to have sex, which does make me feel like a slut. Anyway, we'll see if he's at least decent enough to write back. And, even better, make plans to see me sometime so that we can talk about it and move on.

crazy weekend

So I never really did get to the festival I wanted to go to with my ex this weekend. I mean, I went out with a couple friends and we went there to see another friend, but then left after about 20 minutes cuz it really wasn't their scene. I figure I can use that to make my ex feel guilty... not that I think it will work, but in a perfect world...

Anyway, my friends and I did have a lot of fun. We went to a local bar that had a DJ spinning and danced the night away. We met some Canadian suits who kept feeding us drinks, which kept our individual bar tabs pretty low. It was a good night, and we all made it home in one piece. Although we were feeling it the next day... we all took naps and didn't even shower until we had to get ready to go out that night. We basically did a repeat of Friday night, except at a different bar and minus the suits. This other bar was full of some crazy people... and so we of course made fun of most of them the whole night. Not in a mean way, just for our own amusement. Trust me, you all would have done the same.

So basically it was a very unproductive weekend. I tried to be productive today and go to the grocery store. I made a list, planned out dinner for the rest of the week, drove over there, and got all my groceries in my basket. It was at that point, when I was standing in line for about 5 minutes that the store made an announcement that they were having technical difficulties at the registers and we would be experiencing significant delays. Okay, so I decided to wait it out. About 5 minutes later they came around saying they could only accept cash or check right now and it could be an hour or more before they could take credit or debit, which of course is all I had. So thats when I left.

Still haven't had any contact with the ex. The more I think about it, the more I know I need to talk to him about how I feel. Problem being that means I have to talk to him, and I don't want to be the one to contact him. I keep hoping he'll realize I'm mad and call me to apologize or at least talk to me. Or even if he doesn't realize I'm mad, maybe he'll call or email just to say hi, since we're allegedly casually dating. I just hope that I have the strength to talk to him about it, whether I hear from him or whether I contact him.

A little more calm

I think I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday when all I could do was bitch about my ex. Trust me, I was still pissed at him today, but I think I'm a little more calm than I was earlier. I wanted so bad to send him an email today and tell him why I'm pissed. Explain to him that it makes me feel like he doesn't consider me to be a friend, but rather just some chick he's banging. I opted not to though. Partly because I don't think it would do any good, and actually think it might hurt whatever we have even more than it is at this point. And the other part of me decided it would just make more sense to leave him alone. It's up to him at this point to decide where to go from here.

I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I honestly thought that's where the relationship was going. But I need him to respect me more if that's going to happen. I deserve better than just being his booty call while he's figuring things out. And even moreso, I need to respect myself enough more and put an end to it now. If and when he decides to call me and see me again, then I will hopefully be strong enough to tell him that. Explain to him that I do want to be with him, but I can't do it this way. He needs to make a choice to either be with me, just be friends with no sex, or else we'll both go our separate ways. And if he wants to try again in the future, it will be up to him to make that choice and let me know. Maybe I'll be willing to as well, and maybe I'll have already moved on. Either way, right now I need to concentrate on myself and not allow this to affect me anymore. God I say this with such conviction here. Promise not to be mad if it doesn't go down exactly that way in real life...

Shove it

I am so pissed right now at my stupid aforementioned ex. You know, the one I'm still sleeping with because we are "casually dating?" Well last weekend we made plans to go out this coming weekend to a festival in town. It's a pretty big deal around here, and I said to him "Can we do like we did last year where you went with your friends one night and the I joined you guys the other night?" And he readily agreed and said it sounded like a good idea. So I send him an email about it today trying to make plans for it and he replies with "Sorry I misled you. We were drunk when we talked about it and I have friends coming in from out of town and wanted to just hang out with them. Plus I've seen you a lot lately, so I need some me time." (Okay those weren't his exact words, but that was the general gist of it).

Okay, first of all, if he plans on spending all weekend with his friends that he doesn't see very often, he's not really getting any "me time", right? Secondly, its not like if I'm there he won't be able to spend time with these friends from out of town. After all, all his other friends from here in town will also be there, and he's not telling them that their presence will detract from him spending time with the out-of-towners. Thirdly, it makes me feel like we're "casually dating" at his discretion. Whenever he doesn't want me around, he just tells me that he's just going to spend time with his friends. Even if he and I have already previously made (albeit drunken) plans. And it makes me think that the reason he doesn't want me around at all is so he can find some other chick... why else would he turn down the option of getting laid at least once this weekend? Plus, when we first started dating (and I mean second date, before I even considered him my boyfriend) he brought me around his friends all the time. Now, he never invites me to go along when he's going out with his friends. The only time I ever see any of his friends are if they come over to his pool when I'm there. I feel like he's hiding me or ashamed of me or something. And all I really want to do right now is tell him off. But at the same time, I need to be ready to handle whatever consequences that might bring, including the possibility that he might decide we shouldn't see each other at all anymore, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. If I tell him that yeah, I'm pissed about this, then he'll be pissed at me for not understanding and demanding too much of his time. So instead I think I'm just going to do my best to forget all about him. I'm not going to call, text, email, or anything... and then maybe by the time he gets around to calling me, I'll have moved on and be able to tell him to shove it.

Restless

Restless! Maybe that's the word I was trying to think of when I created this blog. I may be somewhat unsatisfied at certain parts of my life, but I think a better description for it is that I'm restless. I want great things to come from my life. I want to do great things. I want to have a family, a job I love, and a life where I'm content with (just about) everything. Until I get there, I love my current life... I'm just restless waiting for the other things to fall into place.

I was very productive today... working from home, looked through a new cookbook to get some new ideas for my diet, cleaned my kitchen, did some work on this interior design course I'm taking. I am very happy and proud of everything I've accomplished today, but as I sat down to watch some television, I still felt that feeling of being unsatisfied. Maybe I was just bored because there really wasn't anything to watch on television. Then I watched a rerun of Sex and the City and it all became clear. I'm not unsatisfied. I have a great life - a great family who loves me, a nice home, a job (albeit one I don't LOVE, but it pays me every two weeks at least), and I'm having sex on a regular basis. I mean, really. With all that, I can't be unsatisfied. I'm just restless. I can't wait for bigger and better things to come to my life. And I'll make them happen. I'm restless, but I won't always be.

Working from home

So this afternoon I decided to work from home instead of sitting around the office. I'm able to do this since, for all intents and purposes (is that right? I always thought it was a different saying, or maybe I still am wrong...) my mom is my boss. She completely understands that I can do work from home just as easily as at the office, as long as I have no patients to see. I have no patients all week. Anyway, you know how some people say they are going to "work from home" and really mean, "I'm going home and might look at some work, but mostly I'm going to do other things"? Well I actually think I get more done, and faster, when I work at home. When Ihave nothing to do at the office, I'll do a little work, I'll play some games, I'll go bother my mom, do a little more work... you get the drift. Well, at home, I knocked out a lecture in an hour. That's the same amount of work I would have gotten done if I had stayed at work all day. Plus, I got to do it while sitting on my couch, wearing more comfortable clothes, and sporadically playing with my dog as well. This is the kind of day at work (or not) I don't mind. See, not completely unsatisfied! Short post today... might write more later. We'll see.

401k

Sorry for having taken the weeked off from blogging. (I am aware that I am apologizing to no one really since no one reads my blog yet... maybe one day?) Anyway, I promise the lack of writing was not because I had nothing to write about since I'm done complaining about being unsatisfied. Well maybe that was part of it, since I'm not really sure where to go from here. But mostly I was just busy this weekend. Saturday was a friend's 30th brithday, so a night out on the town was to be had. So of course, during the day I had to relax to gear up for the big night (after running my obligatory 2 miles first thing in the morning). Sunday was spent laying around with the previously mentioned ex-boyfriend and some of his friends and his pool. All in all it was a very nice weekend.

Today I did something that makes me feel very grown-up. I got out my 401k information from my place of employment and enrolled. I am now proudly an investor! Granted, I took the easy way out with this, so please don't think that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to finances. I enrolled in the company plan set up for those of us set to retire in or around 2045. (2045?! Good lord, that seems forever away. Am I really going to have to work for that long? Sadly, yes.) Regardless, enrolling in this plan means I didn't have to pick out which stocks and funds looked good, which was excellent. If I would have had to do this, it probably would have meant not being signed up for the 401k for much longer. I've invested the right amount of my paycheck for my company to match fully, so I should be getting free money from them! I guess what makes me most proud of this is a couple of things. First, I did it all on my own with no help from my parents or anyone, which is quite the feat when it comes to making decisions for me. I'm not one who decides ANYTHING easily. Secondly, it seems so mature of me to partake in such things as a 401k. It means I am looking towards the future and realizing that I have to make sure I can depend on myself for future finances.

This move has made me feel very satisfied for the day. Now if only I didn't have to run this evening...

Ah, love

I am in love. With my ex-boyfriend. Who I am still "casually dating" although I think he thinks of it as "friends with benefits." Who would be satisfied with that? Um, not me. Now this one, I know, I do have some control over. I should just stop seeing him and eventually I will get over him and meet someone else. I'm even halfway trying, with eharmony, but haven't found anyone who I think could replace him. I know that I will stop seeing him sometime, when it gets to be too unbearable. I'll make the demand... "Either be with me, or I'm gone." For now, I'm trying to be patient with him, give him the "space" he claims he needs, and hope for the best.

Here's the bottom line in my opinion of love, and this will be a big step back for feminism. I just want to marry a guy who I'm in love with and be a housewife. I want to raise the kids, cook the meals, clean the house, do the errands... all of those things that women are supposed to not want to do as much these days. I feel like my purpose in life is to have children, to have a husband, and to take care of them all. That's what I want. Sure, maybe I'd work depending on the financial situation. But my first priority would be my family. And I feel like I'm getting to that age where I need to start getting on that.

I know, I'm still young and there's plenty of time and no need to rush into marriage. And I'm really not planning on rushing into marriage. But think about it... having kids after age 35 raises the risk of complications, so I'd prefer to have them before that just to be safe. Plus, I'd want to be married for a couple years before having kids to enjoy just having each other. And I'd want to be with the man I'm going to marry at least a year before getting engaged and then another year to plan the wedding. This all doesn't give me too much time here! Now, I know things don't always go as you plan or want them to, and I'm trying to chill from the "plan" to just relax and realize that whatever happens will happen. But that plan is always in the back of my mind. Plus I think I'm just a better person when I'm in a relationship. I'm more stress-free, happier, and generally just enjoy things more. Not that I'm dependent on others to make me happy, but I just would rather be with someone than alone.

Well I think that's it. All of the major reasons I can think of as to why I'm unsatisfied with my life currently. Which means I will hopefully just blog about something else, something more fun maybe. Would that be a shock or what?!

Sleep... or lack thereof

Well I think we're up to the fourth reason I am dissatisfied currently with my life. And I promise we're almost done with my reasons... I think only one more after this. And then maybe we can move on and just blog about other topics.

The problem here is my lack of sleep. I have been having an awful time sleeping lately, leaving me feeling tired all the time. And yet, when I go to bed, even if I'm yawning and physically exhausted, my mind goes into hyperdrive. I think about the most random things and can't seem to stop my mind from racing. This makes it hard to actually fall asleep. And the more I toss and turn and try to stop my thoughts, the more I can't sleep. The thing is, while these thoughts often feel like the most important things ever at night, the next day I can barely remember what it is that kept me awake. Then, when I do finally fall asleep, I often wake up two or three times having to go to the bathroom. Luckily, so far (knock on wood), I don't generally have trouble falling back asleep after these bathroom trips. of course, I'm aware this could change anytime.

Now many people may be thinking, "this chick just likes to complain. everyone I know has trouble sleeping." Well I didn't use to have these troubles. I used to go to bed, read for about 30 minutes, fall asleep within 30 minutes of putting my book down, and then maybe wake up once, often not at all. I'd get a good 7.5 hours a night. Now it takes me a good hour after reading to fall asleep, if not longer. Sigh... I'm thinking that it may be all the other unsatisfaction that's adding to the problems sleeping.

Losing weight

First things first, last night I actually did do some weeding for about 45 minutes and then planted a couple tomato plants which did leave me a little more satisfied with my evening. At least moreso than I thought I would be, but I suppose that's because I thought I was in for another boring night of nothingness (and I mean REAL nothingness, since even the television was a little lacking, save for a Marlins game (hard to come by in Ohio) which was a little slow considering it took until the 7th or 8th inning for anyone to score). Wow, that was a long sentence, and is it allowed to have a parentheses within a parentheses? In any event, weeding and planting tomato plants was not a bad way to spend an hour or so. Especially since my mom came over to help. Okay, really it was her idea. Like I would have done it on my own, even though I knew it needed to be done.

In any case, not wanting you to think I've had a change of heart and am actually satisfied (ha ha), let's get down to the third reason I am somewhat unsatisfied. I'm sure many people, women in particular, out there can relate to this one: I'm trying to lose weight. Now, I'm not a lump of fat, but I could stand to lose a few. And I actually have lost about 20 pounds so far this year, which is about ahlf of what I wanted to lose in the first place. So major props to me for that. However, I've hit a plateau. I've maintained instead of lost any more and it seems that nothing I do fixes that plateau. I actually generally like eating fruit, vegetables, chicken, and fish, but I think the mindset of knowing that those are the things I have to mainly eat to keep losing weight makes me a little crazy. I get so bored of the same things over and over again. And I get these insane cravings for things that aren't necessarily awful for you, just not good if you're trying to diet. Like tacos and mac and cheese. I just wish I was at the point where I wasn't being restrictive (like I can't eat this or that, or else I'll gain weihgt), but ate anything I wanted to in moderation. At that point, when I'm no longer trying to lose weight, but rather just in the maintenance phase, I think I will still mainly eat healthy stuff, but won't worry as much if I slip for a day and eat a huge helping of chinese food followed by ice cream.

The other part of this losing weight thing is the exercise. I've actually taken up running, which is crazy to me, the girl who could barely finish a mile, very slowly might I add, when we had to run it in gym class in high school. Now I'm up to running 2 miles straight through, three times per week. But here's the catch... I HATE running. It hurts. My legs hurt, it's hard to breathe, I feel like I might die any second. I always feel good about it afterwards, but I wish it didn't hurt so much during. I always dread the days I have to do it (today being one of them) and wish that I could just skip it. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will one day wake up and enjoy running. Or at the very least, not dread having to do it. I want to be able to run a 5K, but right now running just 2 miles (not very fast mind you) kills me every time. The only satisfaction I have from either of these things (eating well and running, blech!) is that I have lost weight. Now if I could just push past this plateau...

I live alone...

...which means that I don't have to do a lot around the house to keep it at the level where I'm happy with it. This is reason numero dos that I feel fairly unsatisfied with my life at present. I mean, think about it... I don't have anyone I have to clean up for, I don't mind leaving dirty dishes for a few days, I don't have to put my laundry away right away (or ever really!). Now, yes I should probably do these things on a more regular basis. But when you've spent all day sitting around at work, being bored, you don't really want to come home and clean house all evening. This often leads me to sit around and watch TV, while maybe having my computer on to check out more stuff on the internet. Now, don't get me wrong. I like a clean house as much as anyone. And if I lived with someone, I'd make more of an effort to keep my space clean. Which maybe would mean being more satisfied. Beofre you go thinking I'm living in filth, however, I do at least straighten up a little on a daily basis. Not full-blown cleaning, but something to feel productive and pleased with myself. It just makes me all the more bored... and therefore, not completely satisfied.

Reason #1

Okay, so if I'm (un)satisfied right now with aspects of my life... you may find yourself asking why. A main source of frustration for me is my job. I went to grad school and got a master's degree in pediatric psychology. I chose not to get my Ph.D. for various reasons, which means that (in the state of Ohio) I can do everything I've been trained for except therapy. This sounds great, right? Wrong. Because the definition of what "therapy" is is so up in the air, it makes it hard to find things I am able to do. Currently I work in a pediatrician's office. And it happens to be my mom's office, so that does make it a little nicer. However, having worked here for a little over a year... I still have mostly days where I see no paitents. I'm lucky to get more than 2 days a week where I actually see any patients. I have one patient this week. This makes for a lot of days just sitting around, bored out of my mind. Now, I have friends who say "That's great! You get paid to just sit there." Yes, that's true. But omg, there's only so many hours of playing computer games and playing on the internet you can do before you start to lose your mind. Oh, I have programs I'm working on developing for work and all, but still... if I actually sat down and just did that all day, I'd be done in a day, and the rest of the week would be full of games and internet once again. So I space out my work... a little each day, so I can feel somewhat productive everyday. Plus, if I'm playing games and wandering around the internet all day, it leaves me very little to do in the evenings (which will be a subject for a later post). And, when you really get right down to it, I'm not sure if these types of things are what I WANT to be doing, even if I DID have patients on a regular basis. Problem being, I'm not sure what else I would do... so there I am.

I promise, not every post will be a mess of complaints. I figure, the reason I started this was to get these complaints off my chest, and then maybe find some satisfaction in other things to post about. The first few posts, though, may be a little long-winded and discouraging. Keep with me, and soon I'm sure I'll be looking up.

Welcome to blogspot!

Well... here I am, jumping into the world of blogging. Although as I think about it, I may have started a previous blog either on this site or another and never went back to it after a few posts. So I guess I'm really just trying again.

A little about the title I chose for this blog... generally speaking these days I'm feeling a little unsatisfied with my life. Not to say I'm not happy, because I am a happy person most of the time. But I often feel like my work and down-time leave a lot to be desired. I'll get more into that in another post. However, I have great hope and optimism for the future. Hence, the "un" part of unsatisfied in the title is in parentheses.

Also, like the title says, I'm a twenty-something. Okay, I'm 27... but I'm hoping that I will continue to blog for at least a bit of time, and that I won't always be the same age as I continue through this journey. I got my inspiration for bloggin by my friend Megan, who started chickbug.blogspot.com. I've enjoyed reading her posts and think its great that she actually has built up a following... it may be mostly her friends, or it may be more than that, but maybe one day I too will get to chickbug levels of posts!

Okay, I think I'll stop rambling for now... but I will be back, so if you happened to find this and enjoyed it, come back to read more of my wandering mind!