Demons

I had a moment last night when all my demons about my ex, demons I though I had exorcised and gotten out of my system, came rushing back. I was taking a cooking class at Williams-Sonoma (how to make home-made pasta, yummy!), which was located at a mall near his house. Now, driving up there I started to feel a little anxious. After all, I was heading back to a place that I hadn't been in many months. A place that held so many memories of him and I together. Not that we went to this particular mall together too often, but on a couple occasions we did, and really I think it was just being in the general vicinity. Driving down roads I used to take to his place, seeing restaurants we had gone to, remembering all the laughing and fun we had. But I shook this off, and thought to myself, "This mall holds no significance for the two of you. Williams-Sonoma holds no significance for the two of you. You will be just fine and will not think of him. He means nothing to you anymore, after all."

And this worked for the majority of the time. In fact, once I got there I was just happy to learn about cooking and pushed him far from my mind (which is where he is most of the time anyway). Then, about halfway through the class, I heard the security guard out in the corridors of the mall say "Hello, how are you guys tonight?" (or something to that effect, really the exact quote doesn't matter). And for some reason, my heart, mind, and the pit of my stomach, just knew that if I turned around I would see the ex with his new girlfriend. It shook me to the absolute core, and I'm not really sure why. It completely terrified me. Of course, likely it wasn't them (I obviously didn't turn around to find out), but it made me realize that I am in no way, shape, or form ready for the potential run-in with him. And I really thought I'd be okay with it if I saw him again. Of course, in all my thoughts of potentially seeing him, we were both out with friends at a bar, which in my mind seemed a lot less scary than seeing him sober at Williams-Sonoma.

I thought I was completely over him. Does this incident mean I'm really not? Or is it just that when you've cared about someone so deeply, those feelings never completely go away?

Who I Am

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a mother to my dog. I am a behavior educator who tries to help children. I am there for people when they need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. I am always trying to make sure the people I love know it, whether it be through words or actions. I am lucky to have friends and family in my life who are so wonderful. That's who I am.

I am a golfer, a softball player, and a runner. I am someone who tries to be active and enjoy the outdoors as much as possible. I am someone who sometimes just wants to sit and waste hours watching reality television. I am often getting lost in a good book. I am someone who believes in the motto "work hard, play hard," even if I end up procrastinating. I am someone who can be lazy at times and sleep the day away. That's who I am.

I am someone who continues searching for love, even though I am constantly told that it will find me when I stop looking. I am someone who hates dating, but loves being in relationships. I am aware that I don't need to be with someone, but also aware that I want to be with someone. I am a great kisser. I am someone who is not afraid of PDAs. I am someone who will call you, text you, or email you if I like you, regardless of whether that makes me appear too into you or desperate. That's who I am.

I am impatient when I want something. I am easily frustrated when things do not work out the way I want. I am someone who likes to have a schedule and know what is coming up. I am indecisive and often need several opinions before I can make a decision. I am someone who hates change, even though I realize that it can make us stronger. I am someone who cries easily, for happy and sad reasons. I am the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleave. That's who I am.

I am confident in my appearance, even if I'd like to lose 20 pounds. I am a typical woman who loves shopping, make-up, purses, and shoes, though not necessarily in that order. I am funny and always trying to find the humor in life's adventures. I am easily excited. I am a woman who likes to get dolled up and go out for a night of drinking, but one who also sometimes just wants to stay in and cuddle with that special someone. That's who I am.

I am intelligent, having both a bachelor's and master's degree. I am not very interested in world events, even though I know they can have an impact on me. I am much more content reading about celebrity gossip. I am a girl who loves her football games in the Fall and March Madness in the Spring. I am always up for playing board games or having a Wii tournament. That's who I am.

I am loyal and trusting to a fault. I am always searching out the best in people, even long after they deserve it. I am someone who believes in giving second chances, and third, and sometimes fourth. I am forgiving, although I don't always forget. I am passionate and stubborn. I am sincere and honest. That's who I am.

Take it or leave it. Love me or hate me. That's who I am.

Who are you?

Another date

So I went out with this new guy last night... and we proceeded to get totally smashed. He (wrongly) thought it would be good idea to have that one last shot of tequila, after having two vodka tonics, two other tequila shots, a lemon drop, and a Miller light. I (wrongly) agreed with him. I paid for it this morning. I woke up with a headache and upset stomach after about 5 and a half hours of sleep. Thankfully, I'm feeling better now. I no longer feel as if I might die any second. And I think I may just manage to stay awake the rest of the day in order to see my patients. Yay me!

But back to the date... I think I might like him. He was funny, nice, cute, and we had a lot in common. The alcohol, of course, also made us think it would be a good idea to make out. So we did. We were all sorts of PDAing at the bar. Shame on us! But still, it was nice. We're supposed to get together tonight, which I would be looking forward to a lot more if I wasn't exhausted. Maybe we can go out to dinner and then he can come back to my place to veg out in front of some realisty television (one of both of our guilty pleasures)... but then again I don't want to send the wrong signal. Plus I have just met him so maybe I don't want him to know where I live just yet. I guess we'll see. Going out for dinner would be a plus though... I've been craving Greek food lately...

American Idol

I'm gonna admit it... I am in love with David Cook from American Idol. I didn't realize it until very recently. Sometimes things like that happen to me... I'm going along on my day to day routine and then BAM! I find myself in love with a reality TV contestant or some character on a show. I'm fully aware that I will never meet these people, but this is the safest way for me to be in love without getting hurt, so I'm okay with it. And quite frankly, in the case of the TV characters, these people don't even exist. But I disgress...

David Cook from AI did not start out as my favorite person on the show. I actually didn't even like him at all, not one little bit... but then, he started getting better. And it was he rendition of "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey that put me over the edge with him this week. I've decided he could sing that song to me anytime he wanted to. And then to find out last night that he is indeed single! Oh the joy!

I think he could very well win the whole thing, but I actually would prefer that he didn't I think. I mean, Chris Daughtry didn't win his year and he's had a lot more freedom (and hits!) from his album than any other contestant that year. Other than Kelly and Carrie, I generally think people who don't win do better in actual sales. Okay, maybe only Daughtry although Eliot Yamin (my other love, who, swoon!, was also on the show last night) hasn't done too bad. I'm not sure who I want to win this season. Anyone have any thoughts or people they want to see win it all?

Well now that that's over...

I just sent the guy I'd been talking to a text asking him if he wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow night. This is what I got in response: "No I have a friend in from out of town. I think you are a great person but I think we are better off as friends." So that's that I guess. I don't get it, since he was obviously into me before. Maybe I said something to make him question it. Maybe this "friend" from out of town is really an ex who he's trying to work things out with (since that's happened to me before). Who knows.

I'm a little hurt by it, after all rejection never feels good. But not terribly so. I think after I got used to him not calling and texting every day like he had when we first started talking, I kinda figured he wasn't interested anymore. When he still randomly would call or text, it was just confusing so at least now I know.

I'm not good at "dating." This is something I've come to realize. I'm great at being a girlfriend, but horrible at dating. I don't play the games well. I hate waiting around and wondering. And I can't date more than one person at a time. If I'm interested in someone, that's who I want to hang out with. Even if we haven't had "the talk" and made things official or anything, if I like you I'm not going to be looking anywhere else. I hate having to go through all the getting to know you bs with someone new all the time. So I'm not good at the dating, because not knowing where I stand with someone tends to make me a little crazy. But I guess it's back to the drawing board once again. I feel like I'm getting too old for this...

left in the dust

I know I've written about this before, but I guess it's still bugging me, so I need to vent a little more. I feel like I've been left behind from all my friends, now that they are all in loving relationships. Like I said before, they deserve it. But everything seems different now.

I went out with S and Fly Boy on Saturday night. Now you may recall that I was grumpy that day anyway, so maybe it wasn't the best choice to go out with the two of them. Either way, I did. I figured it would be a good opportunity to get a guy's opinion about this guy I've been talking about. But when I start telling him the story, mentioning that it was an online thing, he rolled his eyes. I don't think this would have bugged me so much if I hadn't already been grumpy, but it set me off that night. It made me feel pathetic for dating online, even though clearly I'm not meeting anyone any other way. And when I'm already feeling a little low about being the only one without someone, I didn't need that. So I basically just became a bitch the rest of the night... refused to tell the rest of the story and said something like "why don't you guys just go back to making out, since that's so much fun for me." I didn't really talk to them, I didn't really smile, I didn't really do much of anything. Not one of my finer moments. I felt bad and apologized the next day, and they both said it was no big deal. But since then, things have seemed more strained with S. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, as I'm likely to do, but it just seems a little distant.

I don't need a guy to validate me and know that I'm an amazing woman. I really don't. I know this may not come across very often, since I'm always talking about my love life, or lack thereof, but it's true. I'm doing my own thing most of the time. I'm taking golf lessons, playing on a softball team this summer, and thinking about how I can improve this program I'm running at work. I generally am content with things. But it would just be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with one night if I don't feel like cooking. Or cuddle and watch movies with some Friday night cuz I don't feel like going to a bar. Or go take a wlk with on a nice spring afternoon. Just some compainionship I guess.

The guy continues to be confusing. I texted him Friday to see how he was feeling. He was still sick so it was a very brief conversation. But at least he texted back. And then Sunday morning he called me to chit chat a bit. We talked for about 10 minutes and he said he'd call me back after he got done eating. He never called back and didn't answer when I called him that night to see if he wanted to do something this week. He texted me yesterday to see how my day was going, again a very brief conversation, and then when I again asked if he wanted try and get together sometime this week, I got no response. So i've basically decided to just not worry about it any more. If he likes me, and he appears to still have some interest in me since he called and texted the past 2 days, then I'll hear from him again and probably eventually see him again. If he doesn't, then it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be. We'll see...

Oh, and I got a text from the young ex the other night also. He's apparently single again, since he's texting me. He always comes back to me. Luckily my phone wasn't near me, and by the time I got back to him he was already getting ready for bed... cuz I haven't gotten laid in a while and so I probably would have given in! lol

Grumpy

I'll admit it... I'm a little grumpy today. It's one of those days where I don't really want to go out tonight, but I don't wanna just hang out at home by myself either. I went out last night and had a good time, but money is a little tight until I get paid again, so I'm trying to not spend too much. Plus, whereas the weather was in the 60's last night and clear, today it's only been mid-40's and rainy off and on all day... so it will be much colder and really the perfect night to just stay in and cuddle by the fire with your man. Of course I don't have a man to do that with. The guy I've been talking to (and about on the blog for the last week or so) is sick, and quite honestly I'm not sure he's that into me anymore. So even if he wasn't sick, I probably wouldn't give him a call to invite him over to cuddle by the fire anyway.

So as I'm driving me and S to the bar last night, she's on the phone with her bf Fly Boy. As she's getting off the phone she says "I love you too." I seriously did a double-take. Mind you, these guys have been dating for only slightly over a month! And they are already to the "I love you" every time they hang up the phone stage?! Granted they have known each other for years, since high school, and I don't have any doubt that they mean it and aren't just saying it to say it. But still, I was shocked. And then it got me thinking about how long it's been since I've had someone say that to me on a regular basis. Yeah, yeah my friends and family tell me, but I mean a guy. Even the ex, who I dated for over a year, didn't say it on a regular basis. He was so emotionally immature that he barely ever said it, unless I said it first and he felt like he was obligated. I seriously think there was only one or two times he said it to me first. And before him, I was single fo a while, only dating here and there but never anywhere near the "I love you" phase. Sadly I think I'd have to go all the way back to the guy I dated for 3 and a half year, between the ages of 16 and 20, to find a guy who told me he loved me on a daily basis. This is such a sad realization.

Crisis Averted

Okay so I was obsessing over nothing I guess. He called me tonight and apologized for not calling me back last night. He apparently was at a friend's house and didn't get home until late. I of course told him it was no big deal... little does he know I was sweating it all day. He doesn't need to know that.

I think it was a lack of confidence thing with me. As many times as I've been through this, I think I just tend to see the negative in guys. Which isn't fair to the good ones, which this guy might be, but unfortunately they have to be the ones to pay for all the assholes from my past.

Anyway, we didn't talk for very long (only about 10 minutes) and he told me he thought he was coming down with a cold. He said that he'd call me tomorrow "or something." So I'm feeling a little better. After all, he didn't have to call if he didn't want to. :)

Thinking

You know how when you are trying not to think about something, that's all you can think about? Well that's my issue now. Still no word from the guy... which yeah I still need to just chill about. And I think I have somewhat... I've taken the "well, if I don't hear from him, whatever... it was just two dates and a week outta my time that I wasted on him" attitude (I sound pretty pessimistic I guess, but that's what happens when you've dealt with as many assholes as I have in the past).

And so I'm trying everything not to think about it. I'm at work, I'm actually pretty busy, and yet every few minutes my mind drifts back to wondering if he's gonna call or not. Like I said before, I wouldn't be freaking out if I hadn't heard from him every single day since first talking to him... but I had, and now I haven't heard anything for almost 2 full days (okay, I exaggerate... a day and a half). Even if it was just something like he's over on his cell phone minutes and text messages, he could send me an email to let me know that. It wasn't like all he wanted was sex and once he got that he never called again... we obviously haven't had sex. Now maybe that's all he did want and figured that he wasn't going to get it easily from me, so he's decided to move on... but he honestly didn't seem like that type of guy. He honestly seemed like a genuinely nice guy (which is probably why I'm not sure if I like him, since I typically go for the bad boy type).

In any case, I'm trying not to think about it, and that's all I seem to be able to think about. I often wonder if I'm the only one who has this problem. I wish I could just turn my brain off for a while. Okay, back to work...

Someone tell me to chill!

Okay so funny thing... as you've all read, I don't know about this guy I've been talking to. Whether I like him as a friend or like him like him. And I know I said I was just going to se what happens. Unfortunately, that is completely against my nature.

Being a girl and in the psychology field, I overanalyze everything. So here I am, thinking the date last night went great... making out and all. When I was leaving, he walked me out to my car and told me to text him when I got home. Now, I figured that he wouldn't respond, since he was tired and probably would fall asleep by the time I got home. So I wasn't worried when he didn't text me back. And so far today I haven't heard anything from him, text or phone call. And when I decided to just call him, he didn't answer and hasn't called back yet. This wouldn't normally freak me out, but it's the first day since we started talking that I haven't heard anything from him.

So I know, or at least hope, I'm just worried for no reason and that he's probably just busy today and he'll call or text when he gets a chance. But seriously, someone tell me to chill and not flip out about it!!! And here's the kicker... does this mean that I like him more than I thought? Or do I just like the attention I was getting from him? Help!!

dating update

So the date went well. We went to a little Mexican restaurant, which was quite tasty. He's cute-ish. I'm not sure he's someone I would have found cute if I had just randomly met him when I was out with friends... but definitely not ugly or anything. The thing with me is that I am someone who admits that looks do play a big part in relationships. I mean, you have to physically be attracted to the person in order to want to make the effort to get to know them. I'm not saying they're everything, but they are important. But I'm trying to allow myself to not stress that too much. Like I said, he's cute-ish so worth another date or so.

He does have a good personality. He's a talker, which is important to me. He's always telling stories and manages to keep the conversation going, which is a plus. I can totally see hanging out with him, getting together for drinks, in a group of friends, etc. I'm not sure yet if I see him more as a friend or a potential bf. But again, I'm trying not to stress too much about that yet either.

He texted practically right after the date to say he had fun, so no "3-day rule" with him. This is something that thrills me! I can't tell you how annoyed I get playing games and waiting and seeing... if you like someone, just let them know. Then he called me later that day and texted me that night. Now, some people might think this is a bit much, but it was nice. It wasn't done in a crazy stalkerish kinda way. We talked briefly again Sunday.

Then yesterday he texts me while I was at work and invites me over for dinner. So I go over there. He had made tacos, which were delish, and then we hung out for a while... played some Wii, and then made out a bit. It was nice. I'm still not sure how I like him or anything though. I was discussing it with my bf S and we decided that I'm probably not sure because it's different than what I'm used to... I usually have that instinctive "I want to get you into bed, rip your clothes off, and spend hours at a time there" feel to guys that I date. With him, it's all very nice and pleasant, but I don't have that "rip your clothes off" mentality. And maybe that's a good thing. Obviously I'm still single for a reason, and if this is starting off differently than the way most of my relationships start off, then maybe I just need to chill and see what happens with it.

Weekend date

Since all my friends have gone and gotten themselves paired up with someone (see this post) I once again decided to try the online dating thing. Now I've done this before, which is I how I met the ex that caused all of this blogging to begin with, so while some good has come of it before, so has some heartache. And I'll admit that I wasn't sure I was ready for all that again. But I figured it might be a good way to get some free food and drinks, which I am always up for.

So this weekend I have a lunch date with this guy who seems utterly charming and funny. We actually had emailed/talked a bit back in December (the last time I did online dating) and we got along well then. But then we kinda lost touch. I think he was talking to a couple other girls at the same time and decided to see how things would work out with one of them, since he was supposed to call me and then I just never heard from him again. Can't really fault him for that since that kinda comes with the territory of online dating... you're dating around, seeing what happens, etc.

Anyway, so he emails me Monday, we talk on the phone Tuesday night, he sends me a text Wednesday, calls me Thursday night, and has texted me today. We made plans on Tuesday to grab lunch this weekend, so that's happening tomorrow. I'm apprehensively looking forward to it. I'm not convinced I want to go, but mostly because I'm tired of dating around and just want to be with a good guy. But I understand this is the first step to figure out if he is a good guy.

I'll keep you all posted.

WPD

Let me tell you a story of a most wonderfully perfect day... (I told you I'd be happy during this post!)

It was a few years ago... let's say maybe sometime in 2004. I was still living in Miami, finishing up my master's degree. I wake up one Wednesday morning to find that my car, a convertible, had been broken into via knife through the roof. I know, I know... you're thinking "How in the world is this going to be a wonderfully perfect day?" Well, you're right. That wasn't the wonderfully perfect day (let's abbreviate this to WPD from now on). But this event caused me to have the WPD, so in hindsight I'm not too upset about it. Plus it got me out of work for that day... yes I could still drive, but I had to deal with the insurance company and figure out what to do, etc. Maybe it was just a good excuse. I digress...

So two days later, Friday, I was scheduled to take my car in to get a new roof put on first thing in the morning. Luckily I had nothing going on this day... no classes, no work, nothing. I drop my car off at the roof place which was very conveniently located across the street from The Falls, which was a lovely outdoor type of mall. The people at the roof place have no idea how long it will take, but my car should be done sometime early to mid afternoon. I give them my cell phone number and head off to the mall where I completely indulged myself all day.

I started off having some coffee and breakfast at the Starbucks and then wandered around for a while window-shopping, as most stores were not yet open. I come across a salon-type of place, so I treat myself to a pedicure. Ahh... how relaxing. By the time this is over, stores are open and I'm free to shop to my heart's content. What fortunate timing, as I had just gotten my tax refund and had money burning a hole in my pocket. So I buy myself some new clothes as well as a new Coach purse and matching wallet. I have lunch at Johnny Rocket's and then decided to go see a movie. By the time the movie was over, the roof place had called, my car was done and I was free to go on my way back home.

This may sound like just another day to anyone else, but to me... it was a WPD. I felt like I didn't have a care in the world (despite the fact that my car had been broken into just days earlier) and spending so much time with just me was great. At lunch I allowed myself to just people watch and not be concerned that they might have found it strange that I was eating by myself. And going to a movie by myself was also great. For once I didn't feel self-conscious about what others thought. Who cared? I'd never see these people again.

It's a day I would love to repeat, except for the whole needing to get a new roof on my car. But the whole relaxed, do whatever, treat myself kind of day. And I don't know why I don't do this more often. I would love to just go to lunch by myself and then go see a movie. I guess part of me feels guilty about taking time for just myself. I was forced to with the whole roof thing... there was no way for me to get home and nothing else for me to do for at least 5 hours. Here, I feel like indulging like this would make me think about all the things I should be doing with my time and money, instead of treating myself to a WPD. Anyone else ever feel this way? Why do we think we have to always do for others when our main focus should be making sure we take care of ourselves? I think I'm going to plan another WPD soon... although sadly I don't think another new Coach purse would be in the plans, still need to save a bit more money for that!