Weekend update and random thoughts

I'm all over the place today, admittedly. First, a weekend update...

Saturday S and I did indeed go to the OSU-Michigan game and it was all we could have hoped for. Unless you have loyalties to one of these schools, you may not know all about the storied rivalry. But it's one of the biggest and so I was quite pleased with another Buckeyes win. (And don't worry, my Hurricane friends, you all know I root for them over the Buckeyes any day). Anyway, S and I then go pick up her son and go to a friend's house where a bunch of the softball players are hanging out watching football and playing cards. She drove there and I would have followed in my car, but she indicated we'd be there late so I didn't see any reason to drive both cars. Yes, Juice was there. Awkward? Not so much. I don't have any problems with him, still care about him, still (stupidly maybe) want to be with him, and at least want to be friends so no big deal...

Without going into great details, cuz that would take a few pages to write, basically Juice and I are fine with each other being there, and in fact flirting. Because, if you recall, when we broke up it wasn't because we didn't still want to be with one another. After a while, he and I go out to the garage so we can talk a bit and of course end up making out. (What?! We both had had a few drinks. Don't judge!) So of course when everyone else realizes what we're doing, they all take turns coming and interrupting us by opening the door to the garage. Because, you know, we're in middle school and that's funny stuff. We finally give it up and go back inside. Around 8:30, S's bf says he's gonna go. Which, apparently, meant that she was gonna go too. But she didn't say that to me, so I kept playing poker. And then I realize that she's wanting to go, so I ask Juice if he'll take me back to my car later. S gets pissed at this, because she thinks I'm being stupid by wanting to stay. I'm sorry, but it's 9 on a Saturday night and I'm single and live alone. Even if Juice wasn't there, I woulda wanted to stay and hang out. So she and I get into a huge fight, which Juice sees and knows he's the reason for it. So after S leaves, Juice also leaves, leaving me with no way to get home. His best friend ended up taking me back to my car, which at least allowed me to get some info from him.

Basically, I'm pissed at the whole situation. Yes, Juice shouldn't have left. I'm not saying he isn't to blame here or that there's any excuse for that. But I can't help but think that if everyone would have just left us alone, since we're both adults and can make our own decisions, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to that point. Or maybe if S hadn't been so pissed at me for wanting to stay, causing this big blow-up between the two of us, he wouldn't have left. He already thinks that he's not good enough for me, so hearing S basically say that to me probably didn't help. I get that she was just looking out for me and trying to be a good friend, but the look on her face was so judgemental. And it's not her place. And it wasn't like I was under the assumption he and I were getting back together. I just was enjoying hanging out with him and everyone else. So that's that. I'm still just pissed at the whole situation.

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The reason S's boyfriend wanted to leave so early Saturday night (not that I knew it at the time) was cuz he was proposing to her that night. I thought he was doing it today, but I guess he just couldn't wait. My thoughts? It's way too fast. They've only been dating a month and haven't even had their first fight yet. It'll come, and I wonder what will happen. I wonder if she's really in love or just likes him enough to settle. Not that he isn't a good guy, but it just seems so fast. Oh yeah, she said yes. Maybe I'm just jealous.

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This site (http://finallyseeing.tumblr.com for some reason my link isn't working)has so many awesomely good quotes that always get to me. here are some of my favorites that I read today:

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders."

"Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would."

"You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

"The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."

"My heart says "who cares?". My head says "you do, stupid.""

That's all I got.

Doris

I stole this from ria. Just some fun, silly stuff to make my day more entertaining... it does seem to fit, but I try not to buy into things like this too much!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Doris!

You are a Doris -- "I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
• * Share fun times with me.
• * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• * Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
• * Reassure me often that you love me.
• * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

• * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• * being generous, caring, and warm
• * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
• * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

• * not being able to say no
• * having low self-esteem
• * feeling drained from overdoing for others
• * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

• * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• * are outwardly compliant
• * are popular or try to be popular with other children
• * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
• * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

• * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
• * are often playful with their children
• * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
• * can become fiercely protective

I Got Shot Last Night

No, not really. In my dream. It was way too vivid. In the dream, I was aware that there was someone who wanted to shoot me, but I didn't know who it was and there were a bunch of people around. I remember turning around, making eye contact with this guy (who was very clean-cut, not at all the type of guy you would think would shoot you) (and cute, which is really f*ed up). And then he pulls out a gun and shoots me. It goes through me and comes out my back. I wake up with my back twitching. You'd think that would be the end of it...



So after I woke up with my twitching back, I reposition myself and fall back asleep. And the dream continues. But now I'm at work so that one of the doctors can look at the gunshot wound (which also makes no sense, considering I work at a pediatrician's office). As I'm waiting to be seen, out comes the guy who shot me and no one would call the police or anything. He ends up stealing my chart, which has all my information like where I live. So now I feel like I can't even go home because he's going to come to my house and finish the job. So I decide that I should get a hold of OSB to come stay with me to protect me. That's when I wake up for real and have no more scary dream.



So I looked up getting shot on an online dream dictionary things and it said this: "To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you want to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person."

Interesting...

Can I Keep this Blog After Another Year?

Well, it's my birthday. I'm 29. My last year as a 20-something. And as a friend of mine pointed out, only another 365 days until the big 3-0. I've been having mixed feelings about my birthday this year, but I woke up this morning and decided that life really is what you make of it. And gosh darn it, I choose to be happy.

I choose to not care that I'm not where I thought I'd be at this stage of my life. I choose not to care that I'm not married. I choose to not care that I don't yet, and may never, have kids. I choose to focus on the positive.

I read this quote yesterday: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." (Albert Einstein). I've decided this will be my theme this year. I will always try to take what has happened in the past and learn from it so mistakes aren't repeated. I will always try to make the most of each day. And I will continue to have hope that one day, all my dreams will be realized.

I know there will still be times that I feel alone or lonely. If I feel that way, I will do something about it. I know there will be times (probably lots) that I want to be with this boy or that boy and wonder why he doesn't want to be with me. If I feel that way, I will remind myself that if he doesn't want me, then I don't want him. That someone out there does want to be with me and if I spend too much time focusing on the wrong guy, the right one might pass me by.

I know I still have a lot of learning and growing, but I'm at a place where the past doesn't look as good as it used to and the future keeps looking better and better. My happiness is my own. No one else can make me happy or take it away from me.

I have faith that 29 will be the best year ever. Let me repeat that... the BEST YEAR EVER!

(And those days that I'm questioning it or feeling bad? Just redirect me here and I'll say to myself, "oh yeah." Plus, don't worry... I'm sure I will still have many boy stories.)

Warning: Stolen Idea Ahead

Brandy, over at It's like I'm... mmmagic!, not too long ago wrote about songs that held special memories for her. I told her I was going to steal the idea. I just needed to figure out which ones had good memories to go with them. And I've finally got a short list compiled. So, here we go!

1.) Brown-Eyed Girl, by Van Morrison. This may seem odd to anyone who knows me, considering I have blue eyes. (Really, more blue-grey, but I guess that's splitting hairs). I was in Hawaii (the same trip I wrote about here) and met a cute boy at a luau. We spent the entire night talking, joking, a little bit of kissing. It was wonderful. Anyway, on the bus ride back he and I sat together. Holding hands, more kissing. Awwww. So the tour guide guy at the front of the bus was singing songs and playing the ukulele to entertain us for the trip. He's getting ready to sing this song and asks if there's any brown-eyed girls on the bus. Without even looking at me to see what color my eyes were (after all, he had only met me a few hours before), he yelled out, "No, she's got blue eyes!" And then leans in closer to me and says, "Beautiful blue eyes." Every time I hear this song, it brings me back to that moment and makes me smile and have faith in men.

2.) Strawberry Wine, by Deanna Carter. It was fall of 1997. I was 17. And this song almost perfectly fits with what was going on in my life. It talks of first love, which is exactly what I was going through at the time. I had just lost my virginity to the man I really believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Turns out? Things didn't work out quite the way I thought it would. (Don't get me wrong, we were together for another 3 years). But everytime I hear this song, I go back to being lost in love with him. And then the line "Is it really him or the loss of my innocence, I've been missing so much?" hits home and I realize that I miss what I had with him and want it again, just with someone else.

3.) So Sick, by Ne-Yo. St. Patrick's Day 2007. The Reason and I had broken up 3 days earlier. I debating even going out to celebrate the holiday, since I was clearly devastated by the end of our relationship. But, I dragged myself out to celebrate with my Irish Friend and her fiance. We consume several shots, drink good Irish beer, and even have some whiskey. Around 1 in the morning, we decide to go to a different bar and on the cab-ride over this song comes on the radio. Irish Friend and I start singing it at the top of our lungs, "I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here." It was exactly how I felt at the moment. I was sick of thinking of him. We got to the bar and made the cab driver stay there while we finished listening to the song and danced in the street.

4.) Buy You a Drink (or Buy U a Drank), by T-Pain. July-ish of 2007. S and I had known each other at work for a few months, but that's where we left it. One Friday, she and I decide we should go out together that night, since we were both trying to get over stupid men. Problem was? Since neither of us went out all that often, we had no idea where to go. So we ended up driving around for a couple hours, checking different places out and not really liking anything we came upon. We heard this song about 5 times as we drove around the entire city of Columbus, including a ride through one of the most ghetto areas. Having heard it so often we decide it's now officially "our song." Finally, we make it downtown and come upon a bar/club and decide to roll down the window to see if we can hear any music coming from it. Lo and behold, you guessed it! We hear "our song" and decide it's a sign. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyone else out there have any songs that hold special memories for them?

Advice Needed

So here's the situation...

S is my best friend. She has been dating her boyfriend for all of 3 weeks now, but they've known each other since April. Thank you softball. Anyway, he is completely head over heals in love with her. I know this not only from Juice (we gossiped about it when we were dating) and also straight from him. He knows she is the one for him.

Now S has this habit of joking around about things, and being only half-kidding when she does so. So I know that everything she says has at least a little truth behind it. So when she and the boyfriend started joking around about getting married on May 24, I knew there was at least part of her that was serious, but she probably figured he wasn't.

S also usually tells me everything. She has told me that she really cares for her boyfriend a lot, but she hasn't actually used the term "love", at least not around me. She could be telling him she loves him all the time. In fact, from a conversation I had with him, it sounds like maybe she does. I guess my point here is that I don't know if she's downplaying her feelings around me cuz of the Juice situation (which she totally wouldn't have to do) or if she's playing up her feelings to him. All of this is just background info for the pickle I find myself in...

He's planning on asking her to marry him on Nov. 24, 1 month from the day they started dating. He has it all planned out (and it's really cute and romantic). I know this because he told me. Because she hasn't ever told me she loves him, I'm not sure she's going to say yes, which would crush him. From what he has said to me, he truly believes that she will say yes, so maybe he knows more than I do.

My point is that I feel like I should say something, but I don't really think it's my place. I know that she wants it to be a surprise when a guy proposes to her (cuz we've talked about these things), so I don't feel like I can tell her he's going to ask. And I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth by telling him he should maybe hold off on the proposal for a little while if she really is in love with him and wants to marry him. The past couple days I've joked around with her about the fact that they were going to get married, and she just kinda laughs and says, "yeah, okay. or he's gonna turn into a big jerk like the rest of the guys we know." So I can't tell if she really wants to or not. I'm afraid that he's gonna ask and it's all gonna blow up in everyone's face if she says no. He really is good for her and I think would treat her well, but I think it's rushing it a bit.

What do you think? Say something to one of them, and if so, who? Or just wait and see what happens?

Oh, and btw, I'm guest posting over here tomorrow. Come check it out!

A Week Later

A week ago I talk to Juice. We break up. He's not in a place where he can give me everything I give to him. He appreciates me. He cares about me. He's open to revisiting us in the future if the timing works out better, but right now he needs to work on him. He still wants me in his life and wants to be able to get together, hang out, talk, etc. He wants to come out for my birthday celebration. He says he'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the next week.

Last night, still having not heard any word from him, I call him. I leave a voicemail telling him about the plans for the festivities for Friday night. I hope to hear back from him one way or another. Whether he's coming or not. I tell him this. I also tell him not to be a stranger.

Nothing. And this? Just makes me angry. I was fine with breaking up. I took the high road. I didn't make him feel shitty for starting something he couldn't finish. I didn't care (well, okay. that's a lie. I cared, and still do, that we broke up. But I didn't let him know that). Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth. If you don't want to be friends, say so. If it'd be too hard and confusing to see me right now, say so. If you want me gone from your life, say so. Don't tell me you want me in your life and you want to be friends if you don't. Don't say you'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the week if you have no intentions of doing so.

It's way easier to be mad than sad at least. I guess I just question everything he ever said to me now.

Bullet point highlights

• I know it may seem silly to most people, since we were together for only a month, but I feel like I'm emotional garbage cuz of this Juice thing. Most of the time, if I'm busy, I don't think about it. I go about my life, getting stuff done, focusing on me. And then, it will all of a sudden hit me and next thing I know I'm bawling my eyes out while watching a woman's weight-loss journey on the Style network. Garbage (not the show, me). And I go back and forth between feeling like everything will all work out the way it's supposed to, to feeling like I'm sad cuz I finally found a guy who says and does all the right things and he can't be with me, to feeling like I should fight for him and let him know exactly how much he means to me and what I will do for him. Most of the time these emotional roller-coaster episodes end just as quickly as they start and pretty soon I'm back to doing other things. but I don't like it. Emotional garbage. That's me.
• I may get to go to the Ohio State-Michigan game!! S's step-dad has a line on some tickets and, while neither of us can afford to buy them outright, we can pay some upfront and my parents are willing to pay the difference (which we will pay back) so we can go. This may not seem like a big deal to some... but in C-bus, this game is pretty much all that matters. Yes, we always want to win. Yes, we want to go the national championship. But we consider it a winning season if all we do is beat Michigan. So this years game may not be the thriller it always is (considering Michigan's, well, lack of winning this year), but it would still be a blast to go to.
• I've been in a charitable mood lately. I filled up a box of old clothes and gave it to the Volunteers of America. I pledged to give money to Children's Miracle Network. I've already bought 40 cans of food to donate to our yearly food drive (and want to get to at least 100 before it's over). And I've been thinking about starting a nonprofit organization for childhood obesity. Partly, this is because I work with a lot of kids who are overweight at my office (as part of the Healthy Kids program there), but it doesn't feel like enough. Many of the familys can't afford to pay anything for the program, so we're basically doing it for free anyway. And if I started a nonprofit, maybe we could get governmental funding to help pay for other things that I think the kids would benefit from. Now, granted, a lot of times I have very lofty ideas and goals that never get off the ground. But let's just say I'm doing my research.
• As I briefly mentioned yesterday, my birthday is coming up. It's one week from today actually. It will mark the beginning of age 29. My last year as a twenty-something. I have some mixed feelings about this. I definitely thought I'd be in a much different place at 29 than I actually am. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I love my life. Could I be happier? Yeah, of course. But I'm working on it. And I think that 29 will be the best year ever. Mark my words.

Friday Night, AKA A Night I'd Like to Forget

I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats wondering if I went to the bar on Friday. Well, I admit it. I did.

But before you all get up in arms about how I shouldn't have done that, let me go on to say that I didn't actually go inside the bar. We (me, S, her bf, and another guy we know from softball) got there. Looked into the bar and saw 2 older people (think 50's maybe) dancing and that was about it. Granted, it was still earlier than what that place usually picks up, but we didn't want to pay the $5 to get in if it was gonna be lame. Plus, I realized it just didn't matter. The Reason doesn't matter anymore. He should go on with his life. I should go on with mine. And if our paths ever meet again, well then so be it. (I will graciously accept any applause you'd like to throw my way now. Trust me, you may not be applauding later).

So, why then, you might ask, is Friday a night I'd like to forget? I was upset about Juice. I was in a funk. I was pissed off at men and hating everything. So when we first get to the other bar we decide to go to and Other Softball Boy (OSB, who doesn't actually play softball with us, but is the brother of one of the girls on the team and comes to all of our games... so he's not really friends with the softball boys, this becomes important later) asks me if I want a shot? I decidedly repsond, "Tequila." Oh tequila. Now, one tequila shot? Not such a problem. It's when I have more than one that I get all messed up. That night? Three or four tequila shots. I lost count. Not to mention the other girly shots I had. And the beer. Several beers.

I was clearly on a mission to get drunk. On a mission to forget. On a mission to just not care anymore. Mission complete. We're all having a good time. We're all dancing in a group. We're all sorts of being silly. And then OSB kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. At first, I go along with it, but soon I realize that I don't want to be kissing him. That every time he kisses me, I wish it were Juice. And that? That brings on the tears. Luckily the bar was closing, so the tears happened outside, after we left. But they just kept coming and coming. I remember sobbing to S, "I miss him. I didn't mean to kiss OSB. I wanted it to be Juice." And then smoking a ciggarette, which btw, I don't do.

I don't want it to get back to Juice. But it very well might. And I can't do anything about it. if it does, it does. If it doesn't, great. I know Juice can't be mad at me. He's the one who can't be with me right now. But seriously? The day after we break up, I'm kissing someone else? Not nice. And possibly enough to make him not want to be with me ever again. Which I know is my fault. Maybe I'm overdramatizing. Maybe it won't matter to him, since it was just kissing and it brought me to tears. Who knows. I guess we'll see. Last we spoke he said he'd call over the weekend or beginning of this week. Haven't heard from him yet, but there's still time.

We're going out this Friday for my birthday (which is a week from tomorrow). And by "we" I'm not really sure who all I mean. Juice said he'd come out with us. S and her bf. OSB said he was, but that was before all the kissing and crying. My brother and sister-in-law will come. Some of his friends probably. Alledgedly the young ex and his friends want to join. I'm just hoping it will be better than last Friday. Lot of drinking and maybe not so many tears.

No More Juice For Me

Well maybe that's not completely true. No more boyfriend Juice right now. I decided to call him while I was waiting for patients this afternoon, just got off the phone with him actually, and we had a discussion about... well kinda everything.

He feels like he's not mentally anywhere able to give me what I deserve (you know how I feel about that), given that his last relationship just ended 2 months ago after 4 years of being together. She really mentally fucked him over (excuse my language) and he's scared to try again and still hurting from that. He doesn't want to drag me into it.

He thinks I'm amazing. He hopes that maybe when he figures it all out we can give it another shot, but doesn't expect me to wait around cuz he doesn't know how long it will take. He appreciates me and cares about me. He just needs to take care of himself first before he can give anything to anyone else. He's also sorry he's left me in limbo and said he's thought about me a lot over the past couple days.

For now, we're just gonna be friends. He says he'll call me sometime this weekend or beginning of next week. I hope he really does. Because I understand where he's coming from. And I care about him. Even if we can't be together, I want to be in his life and I want him in mine. Maybe that's stupid. Maybe everyone will tell me that it'll be harder to stay friends if there's still feelings involved. But I think I can do it. I've done it before. And who knows what the future holds.

Being Deserving

You know what I find annoying. Whe a guy breaks up with me by saying something along the lines of , "I don't deserve you. You're too good for me." I find that to be utter bullshit. And it happens a lot to me for some reason.

Guess what? I don't deserve to be on a pedastal. I like to drink, have sex, party too much. I'm not very clean (house-wise). I like to eat junk food and don't much care for exercise. I have my faults. And if I'm dating you, then I expect you to accept these faults, as I accept yours. So don't say you don't deserve me. Let me decide whether or not you deserve me. If I'm dating you, obviously I see something good in you and think you do deserve me.

When I care about someone, it happens quickly and hard. With boys, with friends, with anyone. If I decide you're worth caring about, I will do anything for you. Having a bad day? I'll listen to you for hours, even if you end up repeating yourself. Feeling stressed? I'll try and do something nice for you, like bake you cookies or take you out for dinner, to help get your mind off of things. I will want to spend time with you, keep you company, treat you well. That's just who I am. That's my nature.

Yes, I come from a good family. Yes, I own my own home and pay all the bills for it on my own. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I was a good girl (for the most part) growing up. But those things don't make who I am. And you shouldn't feel like you don't deserve just because you maybe didn't come from a good family. Or don't own your own home. Or struggle to pay your bills. Or maybe you have to work really hard at your job. Or maybe you were always getting in trouble growing up. Just because we're different in these aspects doesn't mean that you don't deserve me.

All I ask, all I ever ask, is that you treat me well. Treat me right. If you treat me the way I deserve to be treated, then you do deserve me. No matter what you do, no matter where you come from, no matter how much money you make. Guys always say they want a girl like me, but when they have the chance to be with me, suddenly they don't deserve me. Let me be the judge of that.

(This only partially stems from the issues with Juice. Still haven't talked to him, but one of his friends who is dating S told her that he thinks that Juice doesn't deserve me. Which makes me think that maybe part of what Juice is thinking about is whether he deserves me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But he should at least tell me where his thoughts are headed so we can talk about it. I'm calling him tonight. I've given him 3 days to think without bugging him. What I deserve is some answers).

Running into The Reason

We're taking a break from Juice today... well at least for this post. Because really, too much juice just gives you extra sugar and calories that are not needed. (Okay, that time I was talking actual juice not the who-knows-if-he's-still-my-boyfriend Juice, although one could argue that he too may give me extra calories, but I digress...)

Here's the thing. I happen to know (via facebook) that The Reason will be at a certain bar this Friday. This bar is one that my friends and I often go to, although we haven't been in a couple months. I'm kinda all about going there Friday to "happen" to run into him. I know. What am I thinking? Well let me tell you what I'm thinking...

First, there are times that I still think I have feelings for him. Not often. Usually if I'm already having a bad day, or are down about something, and see or hear something that reminds me of him. That's when I think I still have feelings for him. Part of me thinks that if I see him, I'll realize that I'm so over him and don't want him back. Which will, in turn, make those moments a thing of the past.

Second, when you live in the same town as your ex, even one as large as C-bus is, you're bound to run into them eventually. It's really just a matter of time before our paths take us to the same bar one night, or run into each other at a mall, or what have you. And everyone knows that the first time you see an ex after you've broken up is the hardest. People don't usually have the luxery of knowing when that will be. If I go to this bar on Friday, knowing I'm likely going to run into him, I will be prepared and therefore it won't be as hard as just happening to run into him. Plus, this will allow me to look my best, which is also often not the case if you actually just happen to run into an ex.

Third, his new girlfriend won't be there. At least via textbook it says that she won't. Which would also be good, cuz even if I'm over him, I'm not sure I'd want to see him with a new girl. It' just one of those things. As happy as I am that I'm not with him and (maybe, potentially) dating someone else, it would still hurt a little to see him with someone new. This is also not a luxery one usually has when seeing the ex.

Finally, I like to think of it as my bar. It's not his. I've avoided going to bars that I know he goes to a lot, or at least did when we were together. So I want him to know that this is a bar I go to. Me, not him. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But it would make him think twice about going there again probably, which would greatly reduce the number of times we would actually just happen to run into each other.

So, what do you think? Am I being stalker-ish about this? Am I just rationalizing reasons to go there? Do you think that I'd even be thinking about going there if Juice and I were still in happy-land? (You knew it would all come back to juice in the end, didn't you?!)

Nothing

Well still no word from Juice. I'm trying not to be the clingy, pushy girlfriend... but that's hard when I know he's "thinking" right now (okay maybe not right now, since he's at work). Granted, I don't know what he's thinking about exactly. It could be that he's just thinking about whether he should take this new job if he gets it, or where he should live right now considering the crazy ex-girlfriend situation. Or it could be more complicated... like whether he's really ready to start a new relationship if he's still fresh out of the last one, or whether its fair to drag me through this when he's got a lot going on (which he's already said previously). So I didn't call him last night, or text him this morning like I often do. I waited until after my lunch and then sent a simple "Hey babe, just wanted to check on you and see if you're doing okay. hope you're having a great day :)" No mention of call me or text me. No mention of talking. No stress, just a nice I'm thinking of you kinda text. No pressure. No word from that either, but again he's at work and doesn't always have his phone on him or is able to respond or whatever right away. I really do want to talk to him though, face to face, and let him know that I'm there for him. That I will respect and understand any decision he makes, but that I'm willing to try and make this work. Not to worry about whether it's fair to me or not, because as soon as I think it's not fair to me, I'll let him know. The thing is that I think if we have a face to face chat, he'd want to come over right from work, cuz its easier, and the only day to do that would be tomorrow since I don't have any patients and can get home from work early. But that would mean I'd have to talk to him tonight, and since I already sent him a text, if I get no response to that I'd have to call him and he'd have to answer the phone. These were not things I worried at all about a couple days ago. I'd assume he'd respond to my text when he had time and if I didn't hear from him, I'd call and it would be no big deal. But now I'm overanalyzing it all and thinking, well I don't want him to think I'm obsessed (which maybe I am right now, but only cuz I'm not a fan of being in limbo and not knowing what's going on) or forcing him to make a decision about us.

Okay, I have to stop thinking. All of that just kinda spewed out of my brain and onto the page without too much thought. Which means that my brain is a little overflowing with this shit. I wish I had more going on at work today to give me something else to think about. But, as usual, I don't have any patients until late this afternoon. And I didn't have any reports to work on or anything. So I've had a bunch of time to just sit and think. And think the worst. Which makes me sad. So I'm officially going to stop talking/thinking about him until at least 6, which I should be done seeing patients and leaving work. And I'll only think about him then because I will turn the ringer on my phone back on, which will mean I'll find out then whether he called or texted me back. Wish me luck in trying to distract myself!

And thanks for listening to me vent. S is the only one of my friends who has come around. She apologized for yesterday and sat with me at lunch to discuss the Juice situation. But everyone else... nothing. So thanks for being there for me!

What Are Friends For?

I'm currently feeling a little pissed at my friends. I'm always, ALWAYS there for them when they're going through something with a guy. S's huge break-up? I was right there with her. J's arguing with her Navy boy? I literally have listened to them fight over the phone, not saying anything for 15 minutes (okay, I'm not sure that made sense... I was talking to J on the phone. She was at her house with Navy boy, and they literally yelled at each other for at least 15 minutes while I just sat there listening, wishing I could help my friend). Not to mention all the times she's called bawling about how awful it is with him. E's many break-ups and new boys? I hear about all of them in great detail (think: then I said this, and then he said this, so I said this, and then he said this... you get the picture).

And I try to not vent too much to them about my boy problems. That's part of why I created this blog in the first place. I wanted to be able to whine about my issues, even though many of them may be self-inflicted, without feeling like I was annoying my friends or just repeating myself over and over again to them.

But today, what with has gone on with Juice (who btw? hasn't called tonight like he said he would. but I'm trying to chalk that up to him needing time to think, so I didn't call him either), I really needed some emotional support. S got a brief version at work, but not in detail. And although on most days she has a few minutes to come back to my office to text her bf, somehow just didn't have enough time today. Nor has she called tonight to check in on me. I called E (who also got a brief version via email today) because she would talk to me about it tonight. I got a "hey, I'm eating right now, can I call you back?" That was 3 and a half hours ago. And I called J and had to settle for voicemail, saying I really needed to talk to her about Juice and please call me back. Nothing.

I really needed to talk to someone tonight, to keep my mind off the fact that Juice hadn't called and that we were probably over for the time being. And I get a big fact nothing. it sucks to be the good friend who is always there for any of my girls when I need them and get nothing in return. Maybe I'm being overly bitchy, but I really needed someone.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

I should have known it was too good to be true. That if it seemed like a fairy tale, it couldn't be real. With Juice. And it's not even something he did, or didn't do, or anything I can be upset about. let me back up...

I knew going into this that he had recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship. Things had been bad for a while, and when she broke up with him, he still tried to be the bigger person by helping her out as much as possible, even still living with her because she couldn't afford to get a place of her own. And I knew, even before he said so, that he had to still have some feelings for her. You don't get out of a relationship that's lasted that long without still having something there. Even if you know it's never going to work.

So I got it when he called me yesterday, upset after having a fight with her. I understood why he was hurt when she was being a bitch and saying just rude, personal things to him. I told him to come over and stay with me, which he did. When he got there, and was sitting with me, I asked if he needed or wanted anything. He squeezed my hand and said, "This is all I need right now, just being here with you." We hung out, relaxed, just enjoyed each other's company. He left this morning, kssing me goodbye as I was still half asleep (he has to be at work way earlier than me) and told me he'd call me later.

I text him when I get up and around and he calls back a few mintues later. Over the course of a couple phone calls, briefly interrupted by a phone call from his momma (as he calls her, isn't that adorable?), he tells me that he's looking into a new job that a friend of his told him about. He'd be making more money, but working 70-80 hours a week. And the job is in West Virginia. (Note: we live in Ohio). He quickly says that the job gives him money to drive home whenever possible. Okay...

He also says that his momma has things to do tonight and just told him to stay at her house tonight, when he had been planning to stay at my place again. After he says he's gonna stay there he says something to the effect of, "I think this will be good, cuz it will give me time to sit and think about what I need to do. Think about what's best for me and everyone around me and in my life." Umm, I'm guessing that includes me. He also says something about just taking everything a day at a time.

He pretty much ends the conversation saying, "I appreciate everything you did for me last night, baby. I needed you to be there for me and you were and I can't thank you enough. And... (kinda delayed pause) you're great." He said he just wanted to let me know where his head's at and where he'll be, and also that he would call me tonight from his mom's.

I understand, maybe I'm just expecting the worst. But just the things he said, or maybe the way he said it, makes me feel like after he's done thinking, he'll decide that it's not the right time to start anything with me. That it wouldn't be fair, given everything that's going on with him right now. I don't doubt that he likes me. And I don't doubt that if timing was different, he wouldn't have to think about it. He knows I'm a sweetheart and I think he does want to be with me. I just don't want him to give up on something that could potentially be great because he thinks it will be too much work right now, or that the timing is bad. Yeah, the timing could be better. But I think that it's still worth a shot, and I don't think he's going to be willing to give it that.

I know, everyone will say, "He's not worth it. If he wants to be with you, he'll make it work, otherwise forget him. Just move on. He does have too much drama surrounding him and you deserve someone without baggage." Okay, true. But it's hard to explain. There was this magic, fairy tale like feeling to us. And you don't feel that every day. Hell, you can go a lifetime without feeling that. And I don't want him to give up on that just yet. But I have no control over it. All I can do at this point is let him do his thinking, and then have a sit-down face to face chat about how I feel and see what comes of it. It just sucks that I know that if it doesn't work out, it isn't because we don't have feelings for one another. It's just timing.