Apparently Flour Does Not Exist in My World

So I forgot the flour in ANOTHER recipe that I made on Saturday. Seriously?! What the eff is wrong with my cooking abilities lately? Now, granted this was in a casserole and the flour was just to thicken up the sauce. It tastes just as good without (well, maybe not seeing as though I've never made it before so I don't really know what it was supposed to taste like... but good nonetheless). Way better to forget the flour in a casserole than in cookies. I'm going to just go ahead and blame the economy again.

Other news and notes from the past week... how proud am I of Miami football? Okay, the Hurricanes didn't win their bowl game, but generally speaking I thought they looked A LOT better than Cal did. And with as many young players on the team, I'm already getting excited for next season. I think we may be on our way back. But the Dolphins?! Oh man, now that's something to get excited about (assuming you like the Dolphins). Going from 1-15 last year to making the playoffs and winning the division this year? Amazing turn around. I'm gonna be rooting for them all the way.

Christmas was good. I got some really nice things and loved spending time with my family... even if me and my younger brother did have a virus. He got it way worse than I. Stomach issues are just no fun, especially at the holidays. But all in all it was a good time. It always seems to go by too fast though.

And finally, what exactly defines a "fling"? I think I may be having one (no, not with a married man, which is what usually pops into my brain when I hear the term fling). Or maybe it's already been flung...?

Just some random tidbits for your Monday. My brain is still on vacation. Clearly.

Another Cooking Disaster

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I blame the economy.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you another story from kitchen. Some of you may recall the disaster that was my Thanksgiving side dish and the meltdown that ensued. Luckily there was no meltdown, but it was somewhat of a disaster.

So, I was invited to a cookie exchange that took place yesterday. I decided to try a new recipe (found here) and wanted to make a batch ahead of time to make sure I liked it. So Thursday after work I set out to the store to get the ingredients I needed, which was a little hard to determine since I didn't really have a great concept of what I already had at home. This led me to buy things I didn't really need, but that's neither here nor there in this story. When I finally get around to making the cookies I discover that it's kinda hard to make an entire batch of cookies with just a handheld mixer (leading me to think that maybe I should have asked for a mixer for Christmas...).

While I'm making said cookies, I'm having an entire conversation with a certain somebody over text message. This "certain somebody" is also a story for another day... or maybe not at all. I'll decide later. This led me to maybe not be as focused on the cookies as I should have been. I get all done making them and think "Well there's no way this dough is going to form into balls... it's too runny." So I just plop some batter on the cookie sheet and shove it in the oven. While they're baking I call my mom to tell her about the runny batter. She asks if maybe I forgot something. I look at the recipe again and discover, oh yes I did. Flour is somewhat a major ingredient, not something that should be forgotten!

When all was said and done, the cookies did turn out to be absolutely delicious. I've heard nothing but rave reviews. Maybe I should just stay away from the kitchen for a while!

Random Thoughts

I haven't had much to write about lately it seems. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm leaning towards bad. True, I mostly just end up writing about my crazy love life and the stupid boys I can't seem to get out of my head. Which means that I mostly write when I'm upset about something that's happened. So since I haven't blogged in a while, nothing upsetting has happened and no boys are being stupid (well, not proactively being stupid at least). But that also means that the past few days have been kinda boring. Since my Thanksgiving meltdown, I've just been very quietly going about my life. Day in and day out. Which is fine. But like I said, doesn't give me much to discuss. So, for you I now present random thoughts swirling through my head:

• It seems like every weekend is the same thing. I go out with friends to a bar, I meet a guy who seems interested, we exchange numbers, I don't go home with him, and then I never hear from him again. It doesn't really bug me that I don't hear from them, because clearly if they were worth anything I would. I just find it fascinating that so many men just want the one-night thing. I don't expect to find Mr. Right at a bar (although I know that happens on occasion), but they shouldn't expect that I'm gonna sleep with them right after meeting them.
• I can't figure out what I want for Christmas, let alone what to get anyone else! And I only have c ouple more weeks to do shopping, which normally would be plenty of time. But I normally at least have a couple good ideas. Or a day at work that I'm not too busy that I can take off to go to the mall and look around to gain inspiration. But the past few weeks I've been so busy at work that I don't have a day I can do that, and I'm not getting out of work most days until 7 so by that time I'm not in the mood to go shopping. Hopefully I'll come up with great ideas quickly, before time runs out.
• Sometimes I feel a little anti-social. Last night I got home from work, did the treadmill (for the second time yesterday), worked on a report for work, made and ate dinner, and then took my dog for a walk. While I was taking my dog for a walk, I got a call from a friend I haven't spoken to in months (on my cell, which I had forgotten at home). When I got the message, I thought, "I really want to talk to her, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now." So I didn't call her back. Does that make me a bad friend?
• I really hate driving in snow. With a passion. To the point that if it's snowing, even slightly, and I don't have to drive anywhere, I won't. Maybe that makes me a wimp.
• The holidays are usually my favorite time of the year. I just wish I had someone to share them with. To go look at Christmas lights with, decorate a tree with, sit by a fire and drink hot chocolate with. So I'm trying to embrace my singleness (I'm aware that's not a word) and do these things by myself. Decorate a tree? Check. Sit by a fire? Check. Drink hot chocolate? Check. Next up, Christmas lights.

That's all I got. With any luck some boy will do something stupid soon so I have a more interesting life and story to tell!

Brought to You by the Letter B

(Sidenote: does anyone have any advice to linking. I used to be able to link just fine, and now when I try to insert a link, it puts in the actual HTML language instead of linking. So for now, I'm just going to put in the website name instead of trying to link. Apparently this also happens when trying to bold words. Boo! And thanks in advance for anyone who knows how to help.)

Thanks goes out to rialeilani at & that's the way life goes (www.rialeilani.com) who has given me the letter B. Here are the rules:

If you leave a comment on this post, I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your post, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

1.) BRUNO - Bruno is my dog. He is so adorable sweet and makes me laugh all the time. He always kisses away my tears when I'm sad and is so, so excited to see me whenever I get home. I tell him every day that he's the only man I need in my life.

2.) BROTHERS - I have two wonderful brothers (whose names actually also both start with the letter B). We didn't always get along growing up, although I'd say we probably had a better than average sibling relationship even then, but now I'd consider them both among my best friends. I see my older brother almost every weekend, when we get together to go out or watch football. My younger brother lives in NYC, so it's not as easy to see him often, but when we do we have so much fun. He's always been one who I can talk to about anything and the same goes for him.

3.) BOOKS and BLOGS - I'm combining these two, since I came up with so many B things I love and they are somewhat similar. I like to read a lot. I've read every night before I go to bed probably since I began reading at the age of 4. It helps me relax and get lost in another world when mine isn't working out the way I want it to. So I would absolutely be lost without my books. Now blogs serve a similar purpose. I enjoy reading about other people's lives in their own words. They help me realize that I'm not the only one out there who feels the way I do sometimes.

4.) BOYS - I mean, seriously?! If you read my blog on a regular basis you know I'm always talking about one boy or another. Could I leave them off my list of B things? I think not! The sweet things they do (at times!). They way they smell. They way the compete over everything with one another. And the way they treat a woman they are truly in love with.

5.) BOOZE - For when the boys drive me crazy! Ha ha. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but there's something about the way a nice cold beer tastes while watching football. Or having a glass of good wine after a long day at work. Or going out with your girlfriends for margaritas. It's not something I need, but something I definitely enjoy.

6.) BED - I sometimes think I'm infatuated with my bed. It is seriously the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in. Nice and soft, with usually good sheets and a nice warm blanket. It makes it seriously difficult to get up in the morning, even when I'm fully awake and ready to go. It's a good thing I don't have a television in my bedroom or I might live in my bed during the weekends.

7.) BEACHES - Not the movie, although I like that too. It's no wonder I ended up going to school in Miami. Shockingly though, I didn't spend as much time on the beach as I would have liked during my time there. But I've always loved the beach. Growing up, my family always went to Ft. Myers Beach twice a year. There's nothing better than lying in the sun, with the waves crashing in the background.

8.) BUBBLE BATHS - One of my favorite things growing up was taking a bubble bath in the jacuzzi-type tub at my parent's house. I would turn up the radio and just let the warm water melt all my cares away. My current bathtub isn't as conducive to a relaxing bath... given how short I am and the way the tub is shaped, I have to sit straight up or lay with my head at an awkward angle. So I don't take as many baths as I would like to nowadays. I'm trying to save money to remodel my bathroom and get a jacuzzi-type tub there so I can go back to my glory days of long relaxing baths.

9.) BONO - Okay, so my favorite band of all time is U2 (dancing with a crush at my brother's wedding to "With or Without You" still remains one of my favorite memories). And I find Bono to be incredibly sexy. He's inteliigent, a humanitarian, and a rock star. Who could ask for more?!

10.) BLISS - Actual, true, 100% bliss. Happiness seems so fleeting sometimes that moments when you feel completely at peace with everything going on in your life is so wonderful. When everything is going right and you don't seem to have a care in the world. This is bliss to me and fits perfectly in with my favorite B items.

My Thanksgiving Meltdown

I had a complete and utter meltdown on Thanksgiving. If I'm being completely honest, I should have seen it coming.

It started innocently enough... I was trying a new recipe to bring to our family's Thanksgiving meal, a roasted butternut squash puree. I was supposed to roast the squash for 45 minutes. About 15 minutes in, my kitchen was filled with smoke as the butter and honey were running onto the bottom of the oven and burning. Nothing was on fire, just lots and lots of smoke. Smoke detector was going off, I couldn't breathe, and I had to open my back door and screen to my front door to get a draft through to air it out... and let the 30 degree weather inside my house. I left the oven on for another 15 minutes and then turned it off and left the squash in the oven, hoping that another 15 minutes with the oven off but still warm would be good enough.

Well, no surprise, it wasn't good enough and the squash was still pretty hard. By this time I'm on the phone with my mom and upset about the recipe not working, but not wanting to show up without anything. And so even though it's not her fault, I start yelling at her and saying I'm not coming to Thanksgiving dinner and they should just go without me. We get into a huge fight and then my mind really goes dark. I just keep thinking to myself, "I'm such a failure. I fail at everything. I failed out of school (not really, just didn't finish my Ph.D. after I received my master's, but that was little solace to the way I was feeling right then), I fail at all my relationships, I fail at being a good friend since I'm more jealous than happy for S and her engagement, I fail as a daughter since I just yelled at my mom for no reason, I fail at cooking, I fail at keeping my house clean..." Just on and on in my mind.

I finally opted to nuke the squash and it turned out pretty good, although I think more people didn't like it than liked it (mostly because I have a fairly close-minded family about trying new things). But we were about 45 minutes late for dinner and everyone had to wait for us. And truthfully I was in a funk the rest of the day.

As I said, I shouldn't have been surprised really. I had been in somewhat of a funk since the weekend before with the whole Juice thing and fighting with S. I had really closed in on myself. Hadn't really been eating and in fact lost like 5 pounds in as many days because of it. I think sometimes I fake being happy for too long and don't allow myself to really feel the pain of whatever I'm feeling and then when it finally bubbles to the surface it unleashes this whirlwind that I can't stop.

I really am better now. Having been a pysch major I know the signs of depression and I'm really not. It seems like it sometimes. Last week I was. This week, I'm better. I'm eating again and getting excited about Christmas. I'm determined not to have another meltdown during that day!

I'm not sure there's a point to this post. Just needed to get it out there I guess.

Weekend update and random thoughts

I'm all over the place today, admittedly. First, a weekend update...

Saturday S and I did indeed go to the OSU-Michigan game and it was all we could have hoped for. Unless you have loyalties to one of these schools, you may not know all about the storied rivalry. But it's one of the biggest and so I was quite pleased with another Buckeyes win. (And don't worry, my Hurricane friends, you all know I root for them over the Buckeyes any day). Anyway, S and I then go pick up her son and go to a friend's house where a bunch of the softball players are hanging out watching football and playing cards. She drove there and I would have followed in my car, but she indicated we'd be there late so I didn't see any reason to drive both cars. Yes, Juice was there. Awkward? Not so much. I don't have any problems with him, still care about him, still (stupidly maybe) want to be with him, and at least want to be friends so no big deal...

Without going into great details, cuz that would take a few pages to write, basically Juice and I are fine with each other being there, and in fact flirting. Because, if you recall, when we broke up it wasn't because we didn't still want to be with one another. After a while, he and I go out to the garage so we can talk a bit and of course end up making out. (What?! We both had had a few drinks. Don't judge!) So of course when everyone else realizes what we're doing, they all take turns coming and interrupting us by opening the door to the garage. Because, you know, we're in middle school and that's funny stuff. We finally give it up and go back inside. Around 8:30, S's bf says he's gonna go. Which, apparently, meant that she was gonna go too. But she didn't say that to me, so I kept playing poker. And then I realize that she's wanting to go, so I ask Juice if he'll take me back to my car later. S gets pissed at this, because she thinks I'm being stupid by wanting to stay. I'm sorry, but it's 9 on a Saturday night and I'm single and live alone. Even if Juice wasn't there, I woulda wanted to stay and hang out. So she and I get into a huge fight, which Juice sees and knows he's the reason for it. So after S leaves, Juice also leaves, leaving me with no way to get home. His best friend ended up taking me back to my car, which at least allowed me to get some info from him.

Basically, I'm pissed at the whole situation. Yes, Juice shouldn't have left. I'm not saying he isn't to blame here or that there's any excuse for that. But I can't help but think that if everyone would have just left us alone, since we're both adults and can make our own decisions, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to that point. Or maybe if S hadn't been so pissed at me for wanting to stay, causing this big blow-up between the two of us, he wouldn't have left. He already thinks that he's not good enough for me, so hearing S basically say that to me probably didn't help. I get that she was just looking out for me and trying to be a good friend, but the look on her face was so judgemental. And it's not her place. And it wasn't like I was under the assumption he and I were getting back together. I just was enjoying hanging out with him and everyone else. So that's that. I'm still just pissed at the whole situation.

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The reason S's boyfriend wanted to leave so early Saturday night (not that I knew it at the time) was cuz he was proposing to her that night. I thought he was doing it today, but I guess he just couldn't wait. My thoughts? It's way too fast. They've only been dating a month and haven't even had their first fight yet. It'll come, and I wonder what will happen. I wonder if she's really in love or just likes him enough to settle. Not that he isn't a good guy, but it just seems so fast. Oh yeah, she said yes. Maybe I'm just jealous.

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This site (http://finallyseeing.tumblr.com for some reason my link isn't working)has so many awesomely good quotes that always get to me. here are some of my favorites that I read today:

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders."

"Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would."

"You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

"The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."

"My heart says "who cares?". My head says "you do, stupid.""

That's all I got.

Doris

I stole this from ria. Just some fun, silly stuff to make my day more entertaining... it does seem to fit, but I try not to buy into things like this too much!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Doris!

You are a Doris -- "I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
• * Share fun times with me.
• * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• * Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
• * Reassure me often that you love me.
• * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

• * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• * being generous, caring, and warm
• * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
• * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

• * not being able to say no
• * having low self-esteem
• * feeling drained from overdoing for others
• * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

• * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• * are outwardly compliant
• * are popular or try to be popular with other children
• * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
• * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

• * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
• * are often playful with their children
• * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
• * can become fiercely protective

I Got Shot Last Night

No, not really. In my dream. It was way too vivid. In the dream, I was aware that there was someone who wanted to shoot me, but I didn't know who it was and there were a bunch of people around. I remember turning around, making eye contact with this guy (who was very clean-cut, not at all the type of guy you would think would shoot you) (and cute, which is really f*ed up). And then he pulls out a gun and shoots me. It goes through me and comes out my back. I wake up with my back twitching. You'd think that would be the end of it...



So after I woke up with my twitching back, I reposition myself and fall back asleep. And the dream continues. But now I'm at work so that one of the doctors can look at the gunshot wound (which also makes no sense, considering I work at a pediatrician's office). As I'm waiting to be seen, out comes the guy who shot me and no one would call the police or anything. He ends up stealing my chart, which has all my information like where I live. So now I feel like I can't even go home because he's going to come to my house and finish the job. So I decide that I should get a hold of OSB to come stay with me to protect me. That's when I wake up for real and have no more scary dream.



So I looked up getting shot on an online dream dictionary things and it said this: "To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you want to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person."

Interesting...

Can I Keep this Blog After Another Year?

Well, it's my birthday. I'm 29. My last year as a 20-something. And as a friend of mine pointed out, only another 365 days until the big 3-0. I've been having mixed feelings about my birthday this year, but I woke up this morning and decided that life really is what you make of it. And gosh darn it, I choose to be happy.

I choose to not care that I'm not where I thought I'd be at this stage of my life. I choose not to care that I'm not married. I choose to not care that I don't yet, and may never, have kids. I choose to focus on the positive.

I read this quote yesterday: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." (Albert Einstein). I've decided this will be my theme this year. I will always try to take what has happened in the past and learn from it so mistakes aren't repeated. I will always try to make the most of each day. And I will continue to have hope that one day, all my dreams will be realized.

I know there will still be times that I feel alone or lonely. If I feel that way, I will do something about it. I know there will be times (probably lots) that I want to be with this boy or that boy and wonder why he doesn't want to be with me. If I feel that way, I will remind myself that if he doesn't want me, then I don't want him. That someone out there does want to be with me and if I spend too much time focusing on the wrong guy, the right one might pass me by.

I know I still have a lot of learning and growing, but I'm at a place where the past doesn't look as good as it used to and the future keeps looking better and better. My happiness is my own. No one else can make me happy or take it away from me.

I have faith that 29 will be the best year ever. Let me repeat that... the BEST YEAR EVER!

(And those days that I'm questioning it or feeling bad? Just redirect me here and I'll say to myself, "oh yeah." Plus, don't worry... I'm sure I will still have many boy stories.)

Warning: Stolen Idea Ahead

Brandy, over at It's like I'm... mmmagic!, not too long ago wrote about songs that held special memories for her. I told her I was going to steal the idea. I just needed to figure out which ones had good memories to go with them. And I've finally got a short list compiled. So, here we go!

1.) Brown-Eyed Girl, by Van Morrison. This may seem odd to anyone who knows me, considering I have blue eyes. (Really, more blue-grey, but I guess that's splitting hairs). I was in Hawaii (the same trip I wrote about here) and met a cute boy at a luau. We spent the entire night talking, joking, a little bit of kissing. It was wonderful. Anyway, on the bus ride back he and I sat together. Holding hands, more kissing. Awwww. So the tour guide guy at the front of the bus was singing songs and playing the ukulele to entertain us for the trip. He's getting ready to sing this song and asks if there's any brown-eyed girls on the bus. Without even looking at me to see what color my eyes were (after all, he had only met me a few hours before), he yelled out, "No, she's got blue eyes!" And then leans in closer to me and says, "Beautiful blue eyes." Every time I hear this song, it brings me back to that moment and makes me smile and have faith in men.

2.) Strawberry Wine, by Deanna Carter. It was fall of 1997. I was 17. And this song almost perfectly fits with what was going on in my life. It talks of first love, which is exactly what I was going through at the time. I had just lost my virginity to the man I really believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Turns out? Things didn't work out quite the way I thought it would. (Don't get me wrong, we were together for another 3 years). But everytime I hear this song, I go back to being lost in love with him. And then the line "Is it really him or the loss of my innocence, I've been missing so much?" hits home and I realize that I miss what I had with him and want it again, just with someone else.

3.) So Sick, by Ne-Yo. St. Patrick's Day 2007. The Reason and I had broken up 3 days earlier. I debating even going out to celebrate the holiday, since I was clearly devastated by the end of our relationship. But, I dragged myself out to celebrate with my Irish Friend and her fiance. We consume several shots, drink good Irish beer, and even have some whiskey. Around 1 in the morning, we decide to go to a different bar and on the cab-ride over this song comes on the radio. Irish Friend and I start singing it at the top of our lungs, "I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here." It was exactly how I felt at the moment. I was sick of thinking of him. We got to the bar and made the cab driver stay there while we finished listening to the song and danced in the street.

4.) Buy You a Drink (or Buy U a Drank), by T-Pain. July-ish of 2007. S and I had known each other at work for a few months, but that's where we left it. One Friday, she and I decide we should go out together that night, since we were both trying to get over stupid men. Problem was? Since neither of us went out all that often, we had no idea where to go. So we ended up driving around for a couple hours, checking different places out and not really liking anything we came upon. We heard this song about 5 times as we drove around the entire city of Columbus, including a ride through one of the most ghetto areas. Having heard it so often we decide it's now officially "our song." Finally, we make it downtown and come upon a bar/club and decide to roll down the window to see if we can hear any music coming from it. Lo and behold, you guessed it! We hear "our song" and decide it's a sign. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyone else out there have any songs that hold special memories for them?

Advice Needed

So here's the situation...

S is my best friend. She has been dating her boyfriend for all of 3 weeks now, but they've known each other since April. Thank you softball. Anyway, he is completely head over heals in love with her. I know this not only from Juice (we gossiped about it when we were dating) and also straight from him. He knows she is the one for him.

Now S has this habit of joking around about things, and being only half-kidding when she does so. So I know that everything she says has at least a little truth behind it. So when she and the boyfriend started joking around about getting married on May 24, I knew there was at least part of her that was serious, but she probably figured he wasn't.

S also usually tells me everything. She has told me that she really cares for her boyfriend a lot, but she hasn't actually used the term "love", at least not around me. She could be telling him she loves him all the time. In fact, from a conversation I had with him, it sounds like maybe she does. I guess my point here is that I don't know if she's downplaying her feelings around me cuz of the Juice situation (which she totally wouldn't have to do) or if she's playing up her feelings to him. All of this is just background info for the pickle I find myself in...

He's planning on asking her to marry him on Nov. 24, 1 month from the day they started dating. He has it all planned out (and it's really cute and romantic). I know this because he told me. Because she hasn't ever told me she loves him, I'm not sure she's going to say yes, which would crush him. From what he has said to me, he truly believes that she will say yes, so maybe he knows more than I do.

My point is that I feel like I should say something, but I don't really think it's my place. I know that she wants it to be a surprise when a guy proposes to her (cuz we've talked about these things), so I don't feel like I can tell her he's going to ask. And I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth by telling him he should maybe hold off on the proposal for a little while if she really is in love with him and wants to marry him. The past couple days I've joked around with her about the fact that they were going to get married, and she just kinda laughs and says, "yeah, okay. or he's gonna turn into a big jerk like the rest of the guys we know." So I can't tell if she really wants to or not. I'm afraid that he's gonna ask and it's all gonna blow up in everyone's face if she says no. He really is good for her and I think would treat her well, but I think it's rushing it a bit.

What do you think? Say something to one of them, and if so, who? Or just wait and see what happens?

Oh, and btw, I'm guest posting over here tomorrow. Come check it out!

A Week Later

A week ago I talk to Juice. We break up. He's not in a place where he can give me everything I give to him. He appreciates me. He cares about me. He's open to revisiting us in the future if the timing works out better, but right now he needs to work on him. He still wants me in his life and wants to be able to get together, hang out, talk, etc. He wants to come out for my birthday celebration. He says he'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the next week.

Last night, still having not heard any word from him, I call him. I leave a voicemail telling him about the plans for the festivities for Friday night. I hope to hear back from him one way or another. Whether he's coming or not. I tell him this. I also tell him not to be a stranger.

Nothing. And this? Just makes me angry. I was fine with breaking up. I took the high road. I didn't make him feel shitty for starting something he couldn't finish. I didn't care (well, okay. that's a lie. I cared, and still do, that we broke up. But I didn't let him know that). Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth. If you don't want to be friends, say so. If it'd be too hard and confusing to see me right now, say so. If you want me gone from your life, say so. Don't tell me you want me in your life and you want to be friends if you don't. Don't say you'll call me over the weekend or beginning of the week if you have no intentions of doing so.

It's way easier to be mad than sad at least. I guess I just question everything he ever said to me now.

Bullet point highlights

• I know it may seem silly to most people, since we were together for only a month, but I feel like I'm emotional garbage cuz of this Juice thing. Most of the time, if I'm busy, I don't think about it. I go about my life, getting stuff done, focusing on me. And then, it will all of a sudden hit me and next thing I know I'm bawling my eyes out while watching a woman's weight-loss journey on the Style network. Garbage (not the show, me). And I go back and forth between feeling like everything will all work out the way it's supposed to, to feeling like I'm sad cuz I finally found a guy who says and does all the right things and he can't be with me, to feeling like I should fight for him and let him know exactly how much he means to me and what I will do for him. Most of the time these emotional roller-coaster episodes end just as quickly as they start and pretty soon I'm back to doing other things. but I don't like it. Emotional garbage. That's me.
• I may get to go to the Ohio State-Michigan game!! S's step-dad has a line on some tickets and, while neither of us can afford to buy them outright, we can pay some upfront and my parents are willing to pay the difference (which we will pay back) so we can go. This may not seem like a big deal to some... but in C-bus, this game is pretty much all that matters. Yes, we always want to win. Yes, we want to go the national championship. But we consider it a winning season if all we do is beat Michigan. So this years game may not be the thriller it always is (considering Michigan's, well, lack of winning this year), but it would still be a blast to go to.
• I've been in a charitable mood lately. I filled up a box of old clothes and gave it to the Volunteers of America. I pledged to give money to Children's Miracle Network. I've already bought 40 cans of food to donate to our yearly food drive (and want to get to at least 100 before it's over). And I've been thinking about starting a nonprofit organization for childhood obesity. Partly, this is because I work with a lot of kids who are overweight at my office (as part of the Healthy Kids program there), but it doesn't feel like enough. Many of the familys can't afford to pay anything for the program, so we're basically doing it for free anyway. And if I started a nonprofit, maybe we could get governmental funding to help pay for other things that I think the kids would benefit from. Now, granted, a lot of times I have very lofty ideas and goals that never get off the ground. But let's just say I'm doing my research.
• As I briefly mentioned yesterday, my birthday is coming up. It's one week from today actually. It will mark the beginning of age 29. My last year as a twenty-something. I have some mixed feelings about this. I definitely thought I'd be in a much different place at 29 than I actually am. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I love my life. Could I be happier? Yeah, of course. But I'm working on it. And I think that 29 will be the best year ever. Mark my words.

Friday Night, AKA A Night I'd Like to Forget

I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats wondering if I went to the bar on Friday. Well, I admit it. I did.

But before you all get up in arms about how I shouldn't have done that, let me go on to say that I didn't actually go inside the bar. We (me, S, her bf, and another guy we know from softball) got there. Looked into the bar and saw 2 older people (think 50's maybe) dancing and that was about it. Granted, it was still earlier than what that place usually picks up, but we didn't want to pay the $5 to get in if it was gonna be lame. Plus, I realized it just didn't matter. The Reason doesn't matter anymore. He should go on with his life. I should go on with mine. And if our paths ever meet again, well then so be it. (I will graciously accept any applause you'd like to throw my way now. Trust me, you may not be applauding later).

So, why then, you might ask, is Friday a night I'd like to forget? I was upset about Juice. I was in a funk. I was pissed off at men and hating everything. So when we first get to the other bar we decide to go to and Other Softball Boy (OSB, who doesn't actually play softball with us, but is the brother of one of the girls on the team and comes to all of our games... so he's not really friends with the softball boys, this becomes important later) asks me if I want a shot? I decidedly repsond, "Tequila." Oh tequila. Now, one tequila shot? Not such a problem. It's when I have more than one that I get all messed up. That night? Three or four tequila shots. I lost count. Not to mention the other girly shots I had. And the beer. Several beers.

I was clearly on a mission to get drunk. On a mission to forget. On a mission to just not care anymore. Mission complete. We're all having a good time. We're all dancing in a group. We're all sorts of being silly. And then OSB kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. At first, I go along with it, but soon I realize that I don't want to be kissing him. That every time he kisses me, I wish it were Juice. And that? That brings on the tears. Luckily the bar was closing, so the tears happened outside, after we left. But they just kept coming and coming. I remember sobbing to S, "I miss him. I didn't mean to kiss OSB. I wanted it to be Juice." And then smoking a ciggarette, which btw, I don't do.

I don't want it to get back to Juice. But it very well might. And I can't do anything about it. if it does, it does. If it doesn't, great. I know Juice can't be mad at me. He's the one who can't be with me right now. But seriously? The day after we break up, I'm kissing someone else? Not nice. And possibly enough to make him not want to be with me ever again. Which I know is my fault. Maybe I'm overdramatizing. Maybe it won't matter to him, since it was just kissing and it brought me to tears. Who knows. I guess we'll see. Last we spoke he said he'd call over the weekend or beginning of this week. Haven't heard from him yet, but there's still time.

We're going out this Friday for my birthday (which is a week from tomorrow). And by "we" I'm not really sure who all I mean. Juice said he'd come out with us. S and her bf. OSB said he was, but that was before all the kissing and crying. My brother and sister-in-law will come. Some of his friends probably. Alledgedly the young ex and his friends want to join. I'm just hoping it will be better than last Friday. Lot of drinking and maybe not so many tears.

No More Juice For Me

Well maybe that's not completely true. No more boyfriend Juice right now. I decided to call him while I was waiting for patients this afternoon, just got off the phone with him actually, and we had a discussion about... well kinda everything.

He feels like he's not mentally anywhere able to give me what I deserve (you know how I feel about that), given that his last relationship just ended 2 months ago after 4 years of being together. She really mentally fucked him over (excuse my language) and he's scared to try again and still hurting from that. He doesn't want to drag me into it.

He thinks I'm amazing. He hopes that maybe when he figures it all out we can give it another shot, but doesn't expect me to wait around cuz he doesn't know how long it will take. He appreciates me and cares about me. He just needs to take care of himself first before he can give anything to anyone else. He's also sorry he's left me in limbo and said he's thought about me a lot over the past couple days.

For now, we're just gonna be friends. He says he'll call me sometime this weekend or beginning of next week. I hope he really does. Because I understand where he's coming from. And I care about him. Even if we can't be together, I want to be in his life and I want him in mine. Maybe that's stupid. Maybe everyone will tell me that it'll be harder to stay friends if there's still feelings involved. But I think I can do it. I've done it before. And who knows what the future holds.

Being Deserving

You know what I find annoying. Whe a guy breaks up with me by saying something along the lines of , "I don't deserve you. You're too good for me." I find that to be utter bullshit. And it happens a lot to me for some reason.

Guess what? I don't deserve to be on a pedastal. I like to drink, have sex, party too much. I'm not very clean (house-wise). I like to eat junk food and don't much care for exercise. I have my faults. And if I'm dating you, then I expect you to accept these faults, as I accept yours. So don't say you don't deserve me. Let me decide whether or not you deserve me. If I'm dating you, obviously I see something good in you and think you do deserve me.

When I care about someone, it happens quickly and hard. With boys, with friends, with anyone. If I decide you're worth caring about, I will do anything for you. Having a bad day? I'll listen to you for hours, even if you end up repeating yourself. Feeling stressed? I'll try and do something nice for you, like bake you cookies or take you out for dinner, to help get your mind off of things. I will want to spend time with you, keep you company, treat you well. That's just who I am. That's my nature.

Yes, I come from a good family. Yes, I own my own home and pay all the bills for it on my own. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I was a good girl (for the most part) growing up. But those things don't make who I am. And you shouldn't feel like you don't deserve just because you maybe didn't come from a good family. Or don't own your own home. Or struggle to pay your bills. Or maybe you have to work really hard at your job. Or maybe you were always getting in trouble growing up. Just because we're different in these aspects doesn't mean that you don't deserve me.

All I ask, all I ever ask, is that you treat me well. Treat me right. If you treat me the way I deserve to be treated, then you do deserve me. No matter what you do, no matter where you come from, no matter how much money you make. Guys always say they want a girl like me, but when they have the chance to be with me, suddenly they don't deserve me. Let me be the judge of that.

(This only partially stems from the issues with Juice. Still haven't talked to him, but one of his friends who is dating S told her that he thinks that Juice doesn't deserve me. Which makes me think that maybe part of what Juice is thinking about is whether he deserves me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But he should at least tell me where his thoughts are headed so we can talk about it. I'm calling him tonight. I've given him 3 days to think without bugging him. What I deserve is some answers).

Running into The Reason

We're taking a break from Juice today... well at least for this post. Because really, too much juice just gives you extra sugar and calories that are not needed. (Okay, that time I was talking actual juice not the who-knows-if-he's-still-my-boyfriend Juice, although one could argue that he too may give me extra calories, but I digress...)

Here's the thing. I happen to know (via facebook) that The Reason will be at a certain bar this Friday. This bar is one that my friends and I often go to, although we haven't been in a couple months. I'm kinda all about going there Friday to "happen" to run into him. I know. What am I thinking? Well let me tell you what I'm thinking...

First, there are times that I still think I have feelings for him. Not often. Usually if I'm already having a bad day, or are down about something, and see or hear something that reminds me of him. That's when I think I still have feelings for him. Part of me thinks that if I see him, I'll realize that I'm so over him and don't want him back. Which will, in turn, make those moments a thing of the past.

Second, when you live in the same town as your ex, even one as large as C-bus is, you're bound to run into them eventually. It's really just a matter of time before our paths take us to the same bar one night, or run into each other at a mall, or what have you. And everyone knows that the first time you see an ex after you've broken up is the hardest. People don't usually have the luxery of knowing when that will be. If I go to this bar on Friday, knowing I'm likely going to run into him, I will be prepared and therefore it won't be as hard as just happening to run into him. Plus, this will allow me to look my best, which is also often not the case if you actually just happen to run into an ex.

Third, his new girlfriend won't be there. At least via textbook it says that she won't. Which would also be good, cuz even if I'm over him, I'm not sure I'd want to see him with a new girl. It' just one of those things. As happy as I am that I'm not with him and (maybe, potentially) dating someone else, it would still hurt a little to see him with someone new. This is also not a luxery one usually has when seeing the ex.

Finally, I like to think of it as my bar. It's not his. I've avoided going to bars that I know he goes to a lot, or at least did when we were together. So I want him to know that this is a bar I go to. Me, not him. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But it would make him think twice about going there again probably, which would greatly reduce the number of times we would actually just happen to run into each other.

So, what do you think? Am I being stalker-ish about this? Am I just rationalizing reasons to go there? Do you think that I'd even be thinking about going there if Juice and I were still in happy-land? (You knew it would all come back to juice in the end, didn't you?!)

Nothing

Well still no word from Juice. I'm trying not to be the clingy, pushy girlfriend... but that's hard when I know he's "thinking" right now (okay maybe not right now, since he's at work). Granted, I don't know what he's thinking about exactly. It could be that he's just thinking about whether he should take this new job if he gets it, or where he should live right now considering the crazy ex-girlfriend situation. Or it could be more complicated... like whether he's really ready to start a new relationship if he's still fresh out of the last one, or whether its fair to drag me through this when he's got a lot going on (which he's already said previously). So I didn't call him last night, or text him this morning like I often do. I waited until after my lunch and then sent a simple "Hey babe, just wanted to check on you and see if you're doing okay. hope you're having a great day :)" No mention of call me or text me. No mention of talking. No stress, just a nice I'm thinking of you kinda text. No pressure. No word from that either, but again he's at work and doesn't always have his phone on him or is able to respond or whatever right away. I really do want to talk to him though, face to face, and let him know that I'm there for him. That I will respect and understand any decision he makes, but that I'm willing to try and make this work. Not to worry about whether it's fair to me or not, because as soon as I think it's not fair to me, I'll let him know. The thing is that I think if we have a face to face chat, he'd want to come over right from work, cuz its easier, and the only day to do that would be tomorrow since I don't have any patients and can get home from work early. But that would mean I'd have to talk to him tonight, and since I already sent him a text, if I get no response to that I'd have to call him and he'd have to answer the phone. These were not things I worried at all about a couple days ago. I'd assume he'd respond to my text when he had time and if I didn't hear from him, I'd call and it would be no big deal. But now I'm overanalyzing it all and thinking, well I don't want him to think I'm obsessed (which maybe I am right now, but only cuz I'm not a fan of being in limbo and not knowing what's going on) or forcing him to make a decision about us.

Okay, I have to stop thinking. All of that just kinda spewed out of my brain and onto the page without too much thought. Which means that my brain is a little overflowing with this shit. I wish I had more going on at work today to give me something else to think about. But, as usual, I don't have any patients until late this afternoon. And I didn't have any reports to work on or anything. So I've had a bunch of time to just sit and think. And think the worst. Which makes me sad. So I'm officially going to stop talking/thinking about him until at least 6, which I should be done seeing patients and leaving work. And I'll only think about him then because I will turn the ringer on my phone back on, which will mean I'll find out then whether he called or texted me back. Wish me luck in trying to distract myself!

And thanks for listening to me vent. S is the only one of my friends who has come around. She apologized for yesterday and sat with me at lunch to discuss the Juice situation. But everyone else... nothing. So thanks for being there for me!

What Are Friends For?

I'm currently feeling a little pissed at my friends. I'm always, ALWAYS there for them when they're going through something with a guy. S's huge break-up? I was right there with her. J's arguing with her Navy boy? I literally have listened to them fight over the phone, not saying anything for 15 minutes (okay, I'm not sure that made sense... I was talking to J on the phone. She was at her house with Navy boy, and they literally yelled at each other for at least 15 minutes while I just sat there listening, wishing I could help my friend). Not to mention all the times she's called bawling about how awful it is with him. E's many break-ups and new boys? I hear about all of them in great detail (think: then I said this, and then he said this, so I said this, and then he said this... you get the picture).

And I try to not vent too much to them about my boy problems. That's part of why I created this blog in the first place. I wanted to be able to whine about my issues, even though many of them may be self-inflicted, without feeling like I was annoying my friends or just repeating myself over and over again to them.

But today, what with has gone on with Juice (who btw? hasn't called tonight like he said he would. but I'm trying to chalk that up to him needing time to think, so I didn't call him either), I really needed some emotional support. S got a brief version at work, but not in detail. And although on most days she has a few minutes to come back to my office to text her bf, somehow just didn't have enough time today. Nor has she called tonight to check in on me. I called E (who also got a brief version via email today) because she would talk to me about it tonight. I got a "hey, I'm eating right now, can I call you back?" That was 3 and a half hours ago. And I called J and had to settle for voicemail, saying I really needed to talk to her about Juice and please call me back. Nothing.

I really needed to talk to someone tonight, to keep my mind off the fact that Juice hadn't called and that we were probably over for the time being. And I get a big fact nothing. it sucks to be the good friend who is always there for any of my girls when I need them and get nothing in return. Maybe I'm being overly bitchy, but I really needed someone.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

I should have known it was too good to be true. That if it seemed like a fairy tale, it couldn't be real. With Juice. And it's not even something he did, or didn't do, or anything I can be upset about. let me back up...

I knew going into this that he had recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship. Things had been bad for a while, and when she broke up with him, he still tried to be the bigger person by helping her out as much as possible, even still living with her because she couldn't afford to get a place of her own. And I knew, even before he said so, that he had to still have some feelings for her. You don't get out of a relationship that's lasted that long without still having something there. Even if you know it's never going to work.

So I got it when he called me yesterday, upset after having a fight with her. I understood why he was hurt when she was being a bitch and saying just rude, personal things to him. I told him to come over and stay with me, which he did. When he got there, and was sitting with me, I asked if he needed or wanted anything. He squeezed my hand and said, "This is all I need right now, just being here with you." We hung out, relaxed, just enjoyed each other's company. He left this morning, kssing me goodbye as I was still half asleep (he has to be at work way earlier than me) and told me he'd call me later.

I text him when I get up and around and he calls back a few mintues later. Over the course of a couple phone calls, briefly interrupted by a phone call from his momma (as he calls her, isn't that adorable?), he tells me that he's looking into a new job that a friend of his told him about. He'd be making more money, but working 70-80 hours a week. And the job is in West Virginia. (Note: we live in Ohio). He quickly says that the job gives him money to drive home whenever possible. Okay...

He also says that his momma has things to do tonight and just told him to stay at her house tonight, when he had been planning to stay at my place again. After he says he's gonna stay there he says something to the effect of, "I think this will be good, cuz it will give me time to sit and think about what I need to do. Think about what's best for me and everyone around me and in my life." Umm, I'm guessing that includes me. He also says something about just taking everything a day at a time.

He pretty much ends the conversation saying, "I appreciate everything you did for me last night, baby. I needed you to be there for me and you were and I can't thank you enough. And... (kinda delayed pause) you're great." He said he just wanted to let me know where his head's at and where he'll be, and also that he would call me tonight from his mom's.

I understand, maybe I'm just expecting the worst. But just the things he said, or maybe the way he said it, makes me feel like after he's done thinking, he'll decide that it's not the right time to start anything with me. That it wouldn't be fair, given everything that's going on with him right now. I don't doubt that he likes me. And I don't doubt that if timing was different, he wouldn't have to think about it. He knows I'm a sweetheart and I think he does want to be with me. I just don't want him to give up on something that could potentially be great because he thinks it will be too much work right now, or that the timing is bad. Yeah, the timing could be better. But I think that it's still worth a shot, and I don't think he's going to be willing to give it that.

I know, everyone will say, "He's not worth it. If he wants to be with you, he'll make it work, otherwise forget him. Just move on. He does have too much drama surrounding him and you deserve someone without baggage." Okay, true. But it's hard to explain. There was this magic, fairy tale like feeling to us. And you don't feel that every day. Hell, you can go a lifetime without feeling that. And I don't want him to give up on that just yet. But I have no control over it. All I can do at this point is let him do his thinking, and then have a sit-down face to face chat about how I feel and see what comes of it. It just sucks that I know that if it doesn't work out, it isn't because we don't have feelings for one another. It's just timing.

Spoke too soon

Okay, so I shouldn't have opened my mouth before. Juice just found out he has to watch his nephew tonight from 6 until 9 so he won't make it over to help me pass out candy after all. So the dog will continue to be a problem. And I'm disappointed, but I shouldn't be. I should be happy that he cares about his family enough to help them out. Shows that he's a good family man. I was just really looking forward to seeing him tonight.

Beggar's Night

Tonight is trick-or-treat night in my neighborhood. This is one of my favorite nights each year. I love seeing all the kids in their costumes and hearing them yelling "Trick-or Treat!" It makes me want to have babies even more than I already do, since by far my most favorite of the little kids are the real young ones. (Don't worry... this won't be happening any time soon).

Here's the problem, though, at my house with beggar's night... my dog. My sweet, wonderful, loving dog. He has a tendency to not like people so much when they're at the door. If they come into the house, obviously they are his new best friend. But if they stay on the outside, that must mean they're trouble. So he barks, sometimes growls, and tries to run outside to get them. (I don't think he'd actually do anything, he's much too chicken and would probably end up backing away, but I'd rather not find out). Anyway, this means that I have to scoop him up (weighing in at slightly less than 10 pounds makes this easier), plus pick up the bowl of candy, and open the door for the kiddies. This is not always the easiest of tasks, seeing as how I only have two hands.

Tonight, however, my problems may be solved! Juice (aka Mr. Softball as he's previously been known) is coming over to help me pass out candy. How sweetly domestic is that?!

Happy Monday

Just a quick update...

1.) I did indeed make it through the rest of the day. I got tired of giving the same lecture over and over again (which leads me to wonder how high school teachers and college professors do it all the time), but I managed.

2.) Thank you rialeilani for the info on helping my shins out! I haven't gotten new shoes, but I also slacked this weekend and didn't run. I might have to use part of my next paycheck to get new running shoes to help with the shin splints. Until then, I will just suffer and ice.

3.) Mr. Softball (who, by the way, we're calling Juice from now on) called! Alledgedly, his phone never gave him the voicemail icon and he didn't realize I had called. He apparently had 14 messages when he finally checked it. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. My phone has done that before too, although it never took me a week to realize it. And so why didn't he just pick up the phone and call me? He claims he just assumed I woke up and realized what I was doing and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Regardless, we talked Friday and then were together Saturday night at a party. We had a discussion that night and apparently have decided to give this thing a real try. So, yay!

4.) I don't really have any more updates, but I will say that I'm looking forward to this week... Halloween is always fun. Plus, we're closing the office early for trick-or-treating on Thursday, which means I will not have a repeat of last Thursday. And my parents got me an early bday present... going to see the Olympic gymnasts this Saturday!!

Hope everyone else is doing well. Happy Monday!!

Mission (almost) Accomplished

Well the first part of my day has been okay. I got up, actually woke up before my alarm so yay! for me, and did my run this morning. I still hated it. It still felt like I was going to die, although maybe, maybe, not as much as Tuesday. Breathing was a little easier, but my shins? Not so thrilled with me. But I did it. And I'm very proud of myself for getting through it.

Still have to make it through the afternoon of patients, but I think it will be okay. Positive thoughts. Positive energy. That's what I'm hoping for. Plus, still nothing from softball boy. Not too surprised there, just disappointed. But my phone has been in my bag, rather than on my desk, so that's kept me from religiously checking it too much.

The thing helping me get through the day? The idea of a glass or two of wine while watching Grey's Anatomy tonight.

Tomorrow

Have you ever had a day coming up that you are NOT looking forward to? Like, at all? Well, that's how I'm feeling about tomorrow.

First I have to get up earlier than I like (granted, not until 8:30, but for a girl who doesn't go to bed usually until 1, then reads for a while, and then has trouble falling asleep most nights... and I don't have to be at work until 11... so 8:30 seems early to me). And the reason I have to get up early? So I can work out. Namely, run. I don't like to run. And I'm trying to like it. I want to run a 5K at some point, which means I have to build up to it. So in the program I'm doing, tomorrow I have to run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, and then walk 2 and 1/2 minutes, then repeat. I know this doesn't sound like much to others who like to run, but it left me literally gasping for air and feeling like I was going to die. The idea of doing that again tomorrow? Not loving it.

Then, at work, I have four patients literally back to back to back to back. And the first three back to backs? I'm doing the same hour-long lecture for all three of them. And my last patient doesn't start until 6, so I won't be home until after 7. Which just makes for a long day. Yes, I would rather be busy than not have anything to do at work, but I'd much prefer having them at least a little more spread out.

And finally, I called the guy from softball tonight. I still hadn't heard from him, so I wanted to maybe try and clear the air. So I left a message basically saying that I hoped he was okay and I had enjoyed getting to know him, but I wish he had let me know what was going on. And then ended saying that I hoped we were cool and he'd still come to the playoffs on Friday and promised there'd be no drama. I was trying to come across as nonchalant, but worthy of a little respect. But I'm worried I came across as whiny, bitchy, or crazy. Of course that could just be in my head. Of course, this means that all day tomorrow I will be religiously fixed on my phone, hoping that he calls back and gives me a heads up as to what happened. And he probably won't. Which will make me more frustrated.

So, yeah. Not looking forward to tomorrow at all. (I guess technically at this point, that would be later today). So I'm going to try and visualize a perfectly wonderful day. And maybe that will make it all that way.

Deja Vu

I swear I don't know how this keeps happening to me. I meet a guy, he acts interested, calls me all the time, and then out of the blue, he just starts ignoring me. WTF?!?!

I hadn't mentioned this guy on here, cuz I didn't want to jinx it or anything, but now I need to let it out. We played softball together all summer and this fall, and a week ago last Friday, we have some drinks after the games and end up making out. He says all the right things, seems so sweet and into me. Texts and calls me the next day, and then I hear from him Monday through Saturday, usually 2 or 3 times a day. And we see each other Friday again at softball. We hang out a little bit after the game and when we leave he hugs and kisses me a couple times. When I hear from him Saturday he said "your boy" (meaning him obviously) in the text. He tells me to call him when I'm done with my plans that night. I text him when I realize that what I was doing that night was going to take longer that originally thought and see what would be too late to call. And I get no response. So I don't get done that night (had gone to a haunted prison with friends about an hour and a half outside of the city) until about 1:30 am and decide not to call since it's late and I never heard from him. Call him Sunday to apologize for not calling Saturday and tell him to give me a call if he gets a chance. Still no word from him.

Now, I get that we aren't dating and are just talking and getting to know one another, but I don't understand how he can go from talking to me a couple times a day to nothing. Especially since every other time he's missed a call from me or hasn't called when he said he was going to, I get an apology text from him first thing the next morning. And this is coming from a guy who claims to hate being mean to anyone, wants to be nice to everyone all the time. Feels bad when he doesn't stop to help a stranded motorist on the side of the road.

Maybe I'm making too much of it. Maybe he still will call. But my past experiences tell me he won't. Maybe he's just been busy. But how long does it take to send a freaking text at least. Or make a quick phone call. All I ask is that he's honest with me. If you're no longer interested, say so. If you're gonna try to work things out with your ex (who he broke up with a couple months ago after 4 years), then tell me that. Don't just leave me hanging. Don't initiate anything if you're not interested. Don't start anything up if you're gonna stop after a week. Don't waste my time.

And what pisses me off the most is that I wasn't even looking for anything. I had made my six month rule to stop thinking about guys or looking for anyone, and it was working just fine. I was just chillin', living my life, not wanting anything to happen. And then he initiated all this. Made me want it, just to leave me back where I started. No, we didn't have sex or anything, but it made me want a relationship again. It makes me so sad that this can happen again and again.

Validation

So after yesterday's post about how I apparently suck at what I do (according to one mom), I was quite pleased when I got a positive review from someone else. I was told by a mother, whose daughter I had done an evaluation on a couple months ago, that the school raved about my report that I had written. It was the best they had ever received! Feeling a little better about things now. It just goes to show not to take anyone's opinion too highly.

Venting

I need to vent for a minute about work. Not really work so much, but some of the people I have to work with. Not as in the other employees, but rather the patients I have to see.

Part of my job is running an obesity program for kids/teenagers. It consists of 5 weeks of information sessions (what things we will be focusing on and how we will be making changes) and then 6 months of weekly follow-ups that involve weighing in and creating goals and making changes for the next week. It's really a labor of love, because I try to get the kids excited and make being healthier something they want to do. It's not easy to get children and teenagers to eat healthy and be active, when they would rather eat junk food and play video games. Plus, because we feel the program is extremely important for the kids who qualify, we often waive all payment if they cannot afford it. We want to make sure they live, after all. And there's only so much I can do. I cannot come over to their houses and cook for them, for instance. All I can do is give them the information and try to work with them to change their behaviors. Yes, sometimes the information should be common knowledge, but obviously there's a problem if the family is in the program.

So I got really frustrated when I received a letter from a mother whose teenage daughter had been in the program, but decided to drop out. She decided to give us some "feedback" to the program, saying that I was boring and couldn't engage her daughter. That I was telling them things they already knew. That I was talking at her and expecting her to make changes without any help. And they only came to 2 sessions! I distinctly remember that the teenager was one who was not motivated and didn't want to be in the program in the first place. I would ask her questions and try to engage her and would get 1 or 2 word answers. I would appreciate feedback if it came from someone who had been through the whole program, but when you don't even give the program a chance to work, then don't complain about the content. Am I wrong?

Let's just say, it didn't put me in the best frame of mind to see the three patients I have lined up today for the program.

I apologize for taking a week-long break from the blog. I'm sure you'll all understand...

As we all knew was inevitable, my grandfather passed away from esophageal cancer. He died the same morning that I wrote my last post. His last words were apparently something about going to a "big party." This thought makes me content. As I've said before, it was harder on the family than him. He was ready, knowing he had lived a good life. And he really had. He was so actively involved in so many things, even continuing his ballroom dancing up until very recently. Even though he didn't want any funeral or anything (quite honestly, he didn't really even want us visiting him too much while he was sick, because he wanted us to remember him the way he was, not the way he was when he was sick), we had a memorial service (calling hours) for him last Thursday, which would have been his 92nd birthday. We all then went out for ice cream, since he had said that's what he wanted for his birthday. It was a nice way to honor him.

After reading his obituary, and learning more about how active he was in different community organizations, it made me really want to get the most out of life. I know I've written before about creating a list of things I want to do before I die, and wanting more out of life. But it made me realize that I need to put more of an effort on these things if I want them to happen.

He was a wonderful grandfather, man, and human being. I will miss him every day.

3* reasons I'm in a crappy mood today

-My grandpa is not doing well. He can barely drink half a can of ensure at a time before choking. He can't really talk. He has trouble breathing sometimes. He probably won't make it through the weekend. But he's hanging on for now... he was hoping to make it to his birthday, which is next Thursday. Who know's if he will. He's had a good life and is at peace with dying. It's harder on the rest of us than it is on him.

-I checked my email last night to find a notice from Facebook saying that The Reason had added me as a friend. This sent me into a tailspin. I haven't spoken to him in over a year and haven't seen him in almost a year and a half. Why would he add me as a friend? He's moved on, has a new (long-term) girlfriend. Granted, I'm friends with him on myspace, but that's cuz he started his myspace page when he and I were dating. And yes, I'm friends with one of his friends on facebook, cuz he added me as a friend back when the Reason and I were still talking. And I know he just joined facebook and just went through his email contacts to see who was on there, but he didn't have to add me. It would be different if he and I actually had remained friends after the break-up, like I have with many of my other exes. But I left that door open to him, and he chose to close it. Now, I can confirm or deny his friend request. I think I should deny it, although I think that makes me look bitter and bitchy. But I will probably end up confirming it, cuz I apparently like self-torture.

-I had a dream about the young ex last night. A really good dream. Let me back up and say that he has been texting me for about a month, a couple times a week or so, wanting to get together. Which always leads to the bedroom. So, given my new rule, I've given him excuses every time. (I haven't told him about the rule in case I change my mind and decide I want birthday sex after all, he'd be the most likely candidate since I wouldn't do it with anyone new). But hearing from him so often is probably why I dreamt of him last night. And like I said, it was a really good dream. I mean, yes, in the dream we had sex. But it went beyond that, to us being together again and him treating me wonderfully, and just generally feeling safe and protected and taken care of. In other words, the kind of relationship I want. Not necessarily with him, just in general. I just remember being so happy in my dream. And then I woke up to reality.

*Okay I have a fourth:

-I tried publishing this post about 10 times, each time getting a message saying that the page could not be displayed, even though my internet connection is "excellent". So I have to wait now and try again later. I sometimes hate technology.

?

Lately I've been... well, I don't know. And that's the problem. Things in my life are going well... I've stopped focusing on men and trying to find a decent one to date (mostly because I'm pretty sure they only exist in fairy tales, but that is completely besides the point), work has kept me fairly busy, I've been spending time with friends and family, and also spending some good quality me-time with, well myself, and I've been exercising more.

And yet, I feel like there's something missing. To the point that I feel almost anxious about things. There is absolutely nothing for me to be anxious about right now (well, almost nothing... there's still the whole thing with my grandpa, but there isn't anything I can physically do about that), and yet I sorta do. Or maybe I'm just feeling restless. I can't tell. There's just this uneasiness.

I almost wish there was something going on that I could pinpoint as being the source of this restless feeling. This feeling that something's missing. That I want more. If I could figure out what it was that I was really feeling, I could do something about it. Not knowing the reasons behind the feelings make it a hell of a lot harder to make a change for the better. I guess all I can do right now is hope that these feelings resolve. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Stupid cable company

I hate change. I will go into any change kicking and screaming. I like things to stay nice and even, and if they must change, gradual change is preferred. Or if it's something that is going to change, I like to know about it well ahead of time so I can mentally prepare myself for the newness of what's to come. I'm also really bad about making decisions. I will make list after list, trying to look at the decision from all sides. I will debate for weeks, going back and forth, until finally I absolutely HAVE to make a decision. I know these things about myself, and accept them graciously as part of my personality. More importantly, my family and friends know these things about me and somehow still love me.

So imagine my stress when I found out that my cable company may no longer show the CW. WHAT?! No more Gossip Girl? No More 90210? No more America's Next Top Model? I was informed of this by the CW (on a commercial) about a month ago, saying that effective October 2, Time Warner may not renew their contract. This stressed me out. What is a girl who doesn't like change or making decision going to do? I wrote Time Warner an email, asking them to reconsider and got a response to the effect of "usually these things work themselves out." That? Did not make me feel any better. So finally today, after weeks of debating, I decided to switch cable, internet, and phone providers. AT&T was already almost 2 weeks out in new installations, so I was concerned that if I waited until the 2nd, then I'd miss two weeks of shows, whereas if I did it now, I'd probably only miss one. Plus, I'm getting this new U-verse thing from AT&T, which is going to give me more channels, faster internet, and the ability to record 4 shows at once (as well as the CW) for slightly less than I was already paying. The decision seems pretty clear-cut when I put it that way, but man did I get agitated about it. The constant questions: What if I don't like the new service? What if it's more of a pain to get someone out to install something new? What if Time Warner does renew the contract and lowers my rates? What if... you get the picture.

I try to be better about not stressing out about small things like this, but it's hard.

Outraged and celibate

I am seriously outraged by men currently. Okay, hold up. Maybe not seriously, since I've had a few days, about a week, to let this sink in. And really I'm outraged in behalf of a friend. No man has done anything to me recently. Mostly because I've taken a new vow of celibacy. Not really, but I'll get into that more in a minute.

I won't get into a lot of details, because it's her life and not mine, but I will give a brife explanation. My friend had been dating her boyfriend for several months. The past few months, he'd been a little more distant, and she thought it was just the whole thought process of, "Well now that she's mine, I don't have to try and impress her as much." (Which by the way, fellas? Not true!) Anyway, last week, she talks to her man early in the evening, he says he's at a store with his mom and he'll call her back, hanging up after telling her he loved her. A few hours later, she hasn't heard from him, so she calls him back. A girl answers the phone. My friend calls me and we meet up at a bar she knows her boyfriend goes to a lot. He's there with some girls. My friend confronts him, he denies anything is going on. Then, when we've turned away, he hides from us. While he's hiding, one of the girls comes up to us and says that he has been sleeping with her friend for 4 months. 4 MONTHS???!!!

What I don't get is why he would do this. If he started seeing another girl, then why not just break up with my friend? How can he still go on family vacations with her, spend time over at her house, go golfing with her stepfather, etc.? How can he still tell her every day that he loves her? Especially since she had asked him about a week before if he wanted to break up, since he was acting funny. And he said no. That he loved her and there was no one else. If he really loved her, how could he do that to her? Knowing that neither she nor I had a high respect for men when they started dating, and he heard us bitch about the stupid assholes all the time. How could he turn around and do something that awful? And the thing is that he probably would have kept it going if she hadn't caught him. F'ing ridiculous. I mean, I've had some guys do some seriously shitty things, but I think this takes the cake. Yeah, its similar to what the young ex did to me, but I had only known him a month. Not in a relationship with him for several months. Seriously, why are guys such assholes.

Which leads me to my (fake) celibacy. I decided a while ago that if nothing came from the whole Boston thing (btw, never heard from him again. oh well) that I was not sleeping with anyone for 6 months. I know that probably seems like nothing to some people, and I'm not a whore sleeping with everyone in sight or anything, but I enjoy sex. And I've been known to occasionally still sleep with my young ex from time to time as a release. But I mean it. Nothing until at least March. No birthday sex, no New Years sex, no Valentines day sex. No Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas sex (yeah, this is how I think. lol) I'm hoping this at least makes me forget about men, concentrate on other things. Everyone says it'll happen when you stop looking. Well, I've stopped. And after what happened to my friend, I'm not sure I'll ever start looking again.

I refuse to become MIA

I know I haven't written in a while, which I'm sincerely sorry about. We are changing our charting to all electronic at work, which has meant having to go to training sessions, watch online tutorials, and learn about the new computer system. That? Has not saved a lot of time for blogging. Not that I've had too much going on to blog about, which is probably the better reason that I haven't written in a while.

I'm also in charge of a new program at work. Since we are a health care provider, we feel that it is our duty to try and maintain a healthy image for our patients. We were told by the powers that be that we feel this way. I think most of us do, but don't necessarily do anything about it. So we all had our blood drawn to check for risk factors (high cholesterol, insulin, etc.), and were given pedometers to encourage us to be more active. Then I was told, "Why don't you create a walking challenge for us here at the office?" Why me, you may ask yourselves. Go ahead, I'll wait while you ask yourself...

Because I'm already in charge of an obesity program aimed at teaching kids healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm apparently the clear choice. So we're doing a Walk Across the United States challenge. Teams of four will combine their daily number of steps and try to make it to each of 10 cities. There will be small prizes for reaching the different cities, and a larger prize for being the first team to make it all the way across the country. There are also Game Changer cards (I know it's a stupid name, but it was the best I could do on short notice) that can effect the outcome, adding or subtracting steps for that day. We're also marking our progress on a map of the US.

So I spend all this time creating the game (which, btw, I don't even get to participate in) and what do I get? Complaints and whining. "When are we gonna find out our teams?" "I want you to draw for teams now." "We can't have all the doctors on the same team!" "Why did you redraw? I liked my old team better." "I don't want to be on a team with that person!" "Can we make trades, like in a draft?" "That's not fair!"

Seriously? And let me point out that I'm one of the youngest people in the office, so it isn't like these are a bunch of kids. The biggest complainers were all in their 40's or 50's. I've since added a penalty for complaining, whining, or bad attitudes.

I went to Office Max today to buy supplies for the game, specifically a cork board to put the map on as well as some push pins and a notebook to keep track of steps. And it was there that I made a sad realization. I haven't gone shopping in so long that random things at Office Max were looking like fun things to buy, just for the hell of it. Flowery folder, retractable colored pencils, post-its. Nothing that I have any need for at the moment. I'm clearly gonna have to go shopping for something fun ASAP.

Oh, and I've decided that since I couldn't participate on a team, I'm going to be walking across the US by myself. It may take me 3000 years to do it (I exaggerate), but I'll do it.

Brief Hurricane Thoughts (no, not my football team)

I moved back to C-bus from Miami a couple years ago for numerous reasons. One of which was because I had had enough of the whole hurricane thing. So imagine my displeasure yesterday when here in Ohio we had hurricane force winds, remnants of Ike I'm told. I also currently am without power... possibly for up to a week. This doesn't seem fair.

My thoughts go out to those in Texas currently who had it even worse than I've got it here.

I alos apologize for not writing recently. Things are crazy at work at the moment... which I'll explain later.

Stay safe!

Britney and her mother

Britney Spears is an endless source of amazement and amusement, IMHO. It's sometimes like watching a train wreck. I'm not gonna lie, I still sometimes enjoy boogeying down to her music... she's got some funky beats. But at the same time, I'm so glad my life is not hers. The crazy, head-shaving days just shows how much of a downward spiral her life has been since her days as a mousketeer.

And then I read this, and can't help but think that maybe it all could have been prevented. I know being a parent is hard (or at least I assume it is since that's what everyone who is a parent says. not being one myself, I guess I don't really know firsthand). But I don't get how you can know these things about your daughter and let her continue down that path. Drinking at 13, sex at 14, drugs at 15? I'm sure a lot of other youths do these same things at these ages. And that's bad enough. But they aren't part of the crazy entertainment world. Imagine how much worse that would be. Trying to make sure you are talented/thin/pretty enough to last in the entertainment business would be so hard. Especially as an adolescent.

When should Lynne have stepped in? If I had a daughter in the industry as a teenager and found out about these things going on, I would hope to think that I would step in a help her first. Do you think that if Lynne had taken control back when Britney started drinking, having sex, and doing drugs, things for her would be different now?

A Tale of Two Dates

I finally met up with Boston again. It had only been about a month since we had seen each other, but we talked/texted usually a couple times a week. Anyway, during and immediately after the date I saw it in one way, and then a few days post-date (which makes me wonder if it was really a "date") I have different thoughts. So here for your reading pleasure is the Tale of Two Dates

My First Reaction

I called him Thursday to see if he wanted to go catch the opening night of college football along with some of the pre-season NFL games that night. He called me back saying he was kinda tired, but he was up for grabbing a drink or two. We decide where to go and since it's near his house, I pick him up along the way. We get there, order a couple of the dollar draft specials, and I take out my card to pay since I'm the one who invited him out. He pulls out some cash and tells me he'll get them since I drove to his neighborhood (which only took 10 minutes, but that was nice of him). Conversation is pretty good, a little awkward at times maybe, a few longer breaks in conversation, but again we were watching football. He gets a call from one of his friends and invites them to come meet us out (friends that I already knew of his, so it wasn't like "Meet the Friends" or anything). Everyone has a good time, Boston pays for all my drinks, and after about 4 hours we head off. Get back to his house and we hadn't discussed me coming in, so I don't just assume I am. He takes off his seatbelt and reaches for the door, kinda pauses when he realizes I haven't turned the car off, and looks back at me with this, "Aren't you coming in?" kinda look and asks me that same question as I ask, "Did you want me to come in?" He immediately says "Yeah, well... I mean, unless you're too tired or need to get home or something..." So we go in and... yada yada yada... next morning we get up, he has to get ready for work, I need to get home. We have an awkward-ish hug and wish each other a good day and I say I'll talk to him soon, and he says "Okay."

After a few days

I texted him Saturday night, just a simple "Enjoy the game today?" and heard nothing from him. Still haven't. I understand texts can get lost sometimes, or maybe he was busy, or didn't get it until much later, but it's the first time I've gotten no response from him. And it was the first time I tried getting a hold of him after our date, so of course it makes me re-analyze everything from that night... maybe he only went out with me that night cuz he figured since he'd been talking/texting with me ever since the last time we saw each other he couldn't all of a sudden just stop without seeing me again cuz it would be weird. Maybe he only meant he was gonna buy my first drink and was annoyed that he paid for all of them and I didn't even offer except for the first one. Maybe he invited his friends to come out cuz he was having an awful time with just me and wanted other people there to have a better time. Maybe he invited me in afterwards cuz he figured he should get something out of having to spend the whole evening with me. Maybe he didn't want me to spend the night and was annoyed that I did. Maybe he's planning on never talking to me again so that he doesn't have to go through with any of it again.

And that, my friends, is the brain I have to live with every day. The over-analyzing. The assuming the worst. What does everyone think? Do you see anything I did that was terribly wrong? Is he just not into me? I figure I'll call him either tonight or tomorrow, maybe suggest trying to get together again soon, and see what happens.

Bringin' it back to middle school

How much fun is it when you are checking your email to find that you've got a friend request sent to you from myspace? And how much more fun is it when you realize that it's from a boy you had a serious crush on in middle school before he changed schools? And how much even more fun is it when he sends you a message saying you guys should get together sometime? It apparently has made my brain revert back to being a 13-year old girl... giddy, and giggly, and nervous, and hoping he'll actually call.

Now, will he call? Who knows. And probably if he doesn't I'll forget all about it in a few days, or at least within a couple weeks (my brain sometimes remembers those types of things too much, regardless of whether I want it to or not). Plus, I literally haven't seen him or talked to him since 8th grade, so who knows if it's really anything to get excited about.

Funny thing is... a few days ago, this same guy popped into my head for no apparent reason. I wondered what he was up to and if there was some way to find him. The reason he looked me up on myspace? Cuz I popped into his head yesterday. As he said, interesting how timing works...

A brief politics discussion

I don't talk about politics to anyone. Ever. I don't think it's anyone's business who I'm voting for, or even whether I'm voting at all...

(Okay, fine, just so I don't get a bunch of comments telling me how important it is that I vote, I will at least say that I do plan on voting in this upcoming election. There. Happy?)

Anyway, I don't even talk to my parents about politics. I think that generally any discussion about politics can lead to heated debates, and I'm just not that interested in arguing with someone knowing that neither person will change their opinion. So I don't discuss it. That being said...

I think McCain's rumored (or maybe it's not a rumor anymore and it's actual fact) running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is an interesting choice. Now, understand that I'm saying that not knowing anything about her or her views. Literally it was just the fact that the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was, "I wonder if he's choosing her in hopes that former Hilary supporters will just be happy having a woman in the White House as vice president and that will lead him to get more votes." Thoughts about that? Did anyone else think the same thing?

Okay, that's more politics than I usually discuss in about 4 years time, so I'm done.

(And for the record, just because I don't discuss politics does not mean I'm not informed!)

Aww, shucks

I want to thank my wonderful friends (both those I know personally and those I don't) for the kind words of support. It means a lot to me. And now, back to business...


The wonderful rialeilani gave me an award! It was exactly what I needed to make me smile on a day that was otherwise grey and raining.





I'm going to pass it along to chickbug, because she and her chicks are awesome. I'll post more later.

A little perspective

I was all set to update everyone on the dating life, the lack of Boston meetings despite both our best efforts this past weekend. (Okay, maybe not our best efforts. I'd like to think our best efforts would actually end with us meeting up.) And I will get to this, in another post. I promise. But then, life got in the way.

My maternal grandfather was just diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Apparently, there is not generally a good prognosis with this type of cancer, as it usually is not detected until it's in a late stage. He's going to the oncologist sometime this week and we should know more after that.

He's 92 years old, so most likely they won't do too much in the way of treatment. Maybe some radiation. He's actually handling this extremely well. Of course this is coming from a man who planned out his life budget so that he'd be broke he turned 100, because he saw no reason to live past that age. So he's always been okay with death.

Unfortunately, I think the rest of us will have a harder time. My father's parents both passed away when I was in high school, so it's not like we haven't had to deal with it in the past, but it's never easy. I don't want him to die.

I will say that something like this does always put things in perspective. My dating life is not a matter of life or death. Finding a man is not a matter of life or death. Cancer is.

Bored and lonely

I debating about writing about this cuz I don't want to sound crazy, but I figured what the hell. I probably already sound cray to most anyone who reads this anyway.

So, I had a moment last night. It really felt like my heart hurt so badly. The sorrow kinda hurt, not the actual pain hurt. Nothing in particular happened. I think lately I've been feeling a little more lonely and it got the best of me for some reason. Or maybe I'm just bored. Sometimes I think bored and lonely can go hand in hand. I mean, when I'm doing something by myself at home and enjoying it, then I don't care if I'm alone. But when I'm not really doing anything and alone, then I think too much. And my thoughts get the best of me.

Don't get me wrong. I love living alone. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone. Not having to clean up after myself right away. Not having to sacrifice what I want to watch on TV. But sometimes its nice to have someone else there. I can literally go for more than a day (on the weekends) without talking to anyone. Most evenings that I'm home, I don't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I do things. But lately the nights I'm not doing anything, the loneliness is palpable.

I'm trying to come up with things to do. Ways to keep myself busy. I figure if I can fix the boredom, then maybe the loneliness will follow suit.

The definition of rambling

I don't have much to say today, which is bad news for everyone, since it means I will probably end up spitting out a lot of nonsense that is only semi-related to each other. And it will probably go on way longer than it needs to. Let's see, what should I start with...

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. And I mean that in the good way. I mean, he's not the cutest, but his swimming ability is insane and he looks phenomenol half naked. I enjoyed watching every single one of his races. The sad thing is that the things I look forward to most in the Summer Olympics are just about over. The swimming, gymnastics, and diving are really the ones I like the most. Track and field somewhat, but not as much as the other things I mentioned. so back in 1996, when the Olympics were in Atlanta, my family went to some of the events (which? Was awesome). Regardless, I was super bummed that we hadn't managed to get any tickets to see the gymnastics. So there we are, wandering around in between events when my parents start talking to another family. No, we didn't know them. No, we'd never seen them before. No, we had no reason to expect they were a nice, normal family (except maybe the fact that they had some kids too). Somehow they mention they have an extra ticket to the gymnastics, and the next thing I knew I'm off watching gymnastics by myself with some strange family. My parents actually let me go with complete strangers! And this was before cell phones. Granted I was 16 at the time, but still! Luckily, the family was just a very nice family and not a bunch of serial killers stalking teenage girls. But seriously, you know this wouldn't happen in this day and age. How times have changed...

Football starts soon. I'm way excited. Possibly for no other reason then it gives me something to do on Saturdays (and Sundays, but I'm much more into college football than NFL). I mean, I could seriously sit on my couch all day Saturday watching one football game after another. On into the night. By myself or with others, drinking or sober. Doesn't really matter. Which is good because right now Saturday night is the only time I feel a little lonely. I can be home with my dog doing nothing any night of the week, but on Saturday nights I feel alone and like a loser if I'm not out doing something. That was the case this past weekend. And granted, sometimes it's nice to have a Saturday night to myself. But only if I choose it. I was supposed to go out with S Saturday night, but something came up with her and by that time it was too late to try and make plans with someone else. Maybe that's why it was lonlier. Expecting to be going out and then not at the last minute can be a bit disheartening I guess. Anyway, this is why I'm looking forward to football season.

Boston continues to be the definition of mixed signals. Again, he always answers my texts or phone calls, or at the very least calls me back. And does so usually the same day. Yet we still haven't gotten together again, and its been over two weeks since we've hung out. Thursday night I called him. He was out at a bar with his softball team, and yet answered the phone. We chatted a couple minutes and he said he'd call me back when he left there. Which he did. He was at a friend's house and said, "I'd say you should come over here, but it's kinda late..." I then mentioned that I didn't have to work the next day, but he didn't take the bait and actually invite me over. And I wasn't gonna be all "Well I can come over, it's not that late." Then I texted him Friday night after my softball game telling him good luck at volleyball (the two of us are quite sporty, aren't we?!) and to call me later if he ended up doing anything. Well he texts me around 11:30 saying he was just hanging out at home watching the Olympics. By that time I was playing poker with my softball team so after texting back and forth for a bit I asked him if he wanted me to call him the next day if I did anything, and didn't get a response. So who knows what he's thinking. I would think if he wasn't interested he wouldn't still be answering my texts and phone calls. Of course I would think that if he was interested he would make more of an effort to want to see me again. Anytime we talk we always make vague references to getting together, but it just never works out. All I know is that I'm about to just give up. Although I have no other prospects and it's not like it's hurting anything to stay in contact. I don't know...

I went to a couple farmer's markets on Saturday with my mom. I loved it and think I should start making a habit of going more often. The produce is all locally grown and so inexpensive! It also made me want to have a vegetable garden. I do have a couple tomato plants this year, which is great, but I'd like more things. Luckily for me, my mom does have a vegetable garden so I get a lot of things from her.

Okay I guess I've done enough rambling for today. I wish I had more of a focus on something to talk about. I still feel like I'm in a funk, but now kinda with everything rather than just dating. I want to mix things up. Just gotta figure out how.