birthday weekend

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now an older 20-something. I've always been one to kinda embrace my birthday, celebrate, not care about turning another year older. This year was the first time that I was really not looking forward to it. I think that I've finally gotten to that point where I realize how different my life is than what I thought it would be at this age. Or maybe it's just the first time in recent years where there was just nothing really exciting going on. Last year I was dating a wonderful man (well I thought he was wonderful at the time at least) who took my to Mexico for my birthday (well two weeks before my birthday for a friend's wedding, but still he paid for the whole thing and it was the large part of my birthday present from him). The year before that I was a month away from moving back home and was really looking forward to what the year ahead was going to hold for me. This year... well I'm single and no major life events are going on. I really thought that at my age now I would at least be dating the guy I was going to marry and be well on the path towards a family. Now I realize I have a lot to be thankful for and generally speaking I have a great life. I own my own house, I have a good job with good pay, I have a wonderful family who, for the most part, live in the same city as me, and I have good friends who are always there for me if I need them. And yet I still want that something more. iw as talking to my mom one day and started getting a little emotional about the whole birthday thing and she told me I just needed to sit down and really figure out what I want from life and how to go about getting it. Well what I really want from life is a good man. One who wants to settle down and have a family with me. One who isn't always going to be looking for the next best thing. And I've tried everything I know to meet those types of guys and I can't find them anywhere. I know I'm still young enough to get everything I want out of life, but still my biological clock is starting to tick. And yeah, I've stated before that I don't really need a man for anything... which I still think is true. But not needing one and not wanting one are two different things. I know that everyone always says that once you stop looking that's when you'll find someone, but that's easier said than done.



Anyway... enough complaining. My birthday weekend was actually pretty great. Saturday night I went out with my core group of friends (there's 4 of us, and we're basically always together), my brother and sister-in-law, a couple of my brother's friends, and this guy we met a couple weeks ago who just moved here and doesn't know anyone in this city yet. I didn't have to pay for a single drink all night and managed to get pretty drunk. And then I got birthday sex, from the ex. The most recent ex. And he was the one who offered it in the first place. I had called him earlier that day left a message saying we were going out that night and it'd be great if he joined us. He texted me back a couple hours later asking what the plans were and then saying he didn't know if he was going to join us. The next thing I hear from him is a text saying that I should call him and he'd come over and give me sex later (well he was a little more graphic, but I didn't think it was appropriate to repeat what he said here). So of course I was all exciting. I went out with my friends and got a text around 11:15 from him asking if I still wanted it, and of course I did. Now, I don't know why he couldn't come out with us to begin with... I mean is he ashamed to be seen with me? but at least I knew that when I was done drinking for the night I was going to get some ass.

So he comes over at like 3 when I get home, we have sex, and it was great. Afterwards we're laying there kinda staring at each other, like that whole gazing into each other's eyes thing. Which makes it seem to me like he still wants to be with me. Then he says something about wanting to go smoke a cigarette. I ask him if he's staying that night, to which he responds "Not tonight." Does this mean that maybe another night in the future he will? I don't know. So he's getting dressed and he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him and ask him if there's another chance for us. He says "I don't know. I just don't know yet. But you got what you wanted tonight!" And I said, "Okay." We go outside, he smokes, and when he's done, he wraps his arm around me and gives me several kisses, not making out just pecks. He then says that he has to go home and get some sleep, wishes me a happy birthday, and asks me if I enjoyed the birthday sex. I said that I did and asked if he did as well and he said that he did. Okay, so who knows what's going on there. I feel like maybe he just wants a friends with benefits kinda thing, which I might actually be okay with but he'd actually have to be friends with me for that to work. As in, not ignoring me when he sees me out on Tuesdays. Maybe even calling or texting, or even myspacing, randomly once in a while.

Then I got irritated last night when I saw him on myspace for a couple hours. He didn't comment at all on my page about happy birthday or anything. Which alone wouldn't have been enough to upset me, since he had already wished me one and given me sex for it. but then I saw that he commented "waz up sexy" on another girl's page that night. I don't think that would have bothered me either, since she's someone I know also, but it was the combination of saying something to her but not me on my birthday that annoyed me. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it did.

So I guess we'll see how he acts if we go out tomorrow night. I'd like to go just so I can see how he'll treat me. If he ignores me still, I think I'm just done with it. If that means he gets pissed that other guys are dancing with me, or jealous that other guys are talking to me, well that's his problem. Cuz I've tried to get back together with him. I've basically told him I want another chance. And I'm not gonna be okay with having him ignore me after sleeping with me 3 nights before. It could be very interesting.

Men are jerks

Okay... so I don't know how long this post will be since I'm supposed to be heading off to lunch soon before seeing patients all afternoon, but here goes nothing...

The "new man" in my life I spoke of last time... well we're done. Shortest relationship of my adult life. Sure, I probably had shorter in like middle school, when "relationships" weren't really much to speak of, but two weeks as an adult? Wow. Especially since for a week of the time I was his "girl" he didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Umm, excuse me? So there I am laying in bed sleeping at 8 am one Monday morning when my phone tells me I have a text message. It was from him and all it said was "I'm sorry it didn't work out." Well then... that's fun. so we text back and forth for a few minutes and the information I gather from this riveting text conversation is that it was nothing I did, but a girl from his past who he was in love with, but was dating a friend of his at the time, came back into his life and he told her how he felt and they were going to be together. I wished them well, determined that he and I were good as friends, and left it at that. I mean, okay. I can't blame him for that. If the roles had been reversed, I would have probably made the same decision. So I'm not mad at him. I even still like him.

So we go out the following night, Tuesday (what? what kind of almost-28-year-old goes out anymore on a Tuesday night?! apparently me). He's there with his new girl. I'm somewhat fine with it, even considering it was someone he had told me previously was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. Even considering I had seen her out the previous Saturday and said something to her about her knowing my boyfriend. Then what happens? He proceeds to ignore me all night long. What happened to us being cool as friends? I even called him on it and he refused to look at me and said he wasn't ignoring me. Meanwhile, his new girlfriend kissed another guy in the hallway to the bathroom and was shaking her booty on every male and female in sight (did I mention she goes both ways? umm, yeah.). He gets pissed and leaves. Come to find out later that as of that night he was done with her. Thats what he told my friend who introduced the two of us.

So wouldn't you think that a guy who was so into me when he met me then screwed up and realized it, would call me and try to get me back? I mean, this guy called me like 5 times a day, texted me every chance he got, and wanted to see me every night when he and I first started talking. He begged me to be his girl. He wouldn't stop talking about me to all of his friends. And yet, he doesn't call to try and win me back? Funny thing is... I would take him back. Even after the way he handled breaking up with me... ignoring me for a week and then doing it over text... I would still take him back. Because I know his potential as a great guy. I know how he treated me at the beginning and I want that person back in my life. And I do think he'd make a great husband and father someday. Yes I started out with him thinking it was just a distraction, but as time goes on and I can't stop thinking about him, and needing a distraction from this "distraction", I realize that maybe there was something there. And I want that something back, so I'd be willing to give it another shot. Especially since it all happened so early after we met each other. Like i said before, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have done the same thing.

So me and my friend go out again last night (another Tuesday... it's a typical night for us). He's there again. So is this other ex of his. Now he and my friend have been friends for years... like 10 at least. We get there and everyone is in a pretty good mood since another friend of ours just had a baby that day. So we're all sorts of celebrating. Well mostly the guys. My friend and I are more low-key. So he talks to my friend, but says nothing to me. Okay... we grab our drinks and head off to a table since they aren't talking to us really, which happens to be close to the bathroom. He walks by a few minutes later and makes a face at my friend. When he walks by again, he looks at both of us and says "Now you girls be good." I'm getting pretty heated by this point because he's still not really talking to me, but he's still talking to the girl from last week. So whatever, I'm dealing with it when this guy I met there last week came over and started talking to me and flirting with me. Now, this guy is cute enough but I'm really not into him.

Now, I'm not going to get into all the details of the night, that would take too long. But here are the highlights. This new guy drags me outside cuz he wants to smoke a cigarette. The ex is out there too and somehow they must know each other vaguely at least because we're all standing in the same circle talking. It was an awkward moment for me to say the least. I see my ex drinking a mixed drink (which he never does cuz liquor fires him up so to speak) and I ask him what it is. He gets this grin on his face and tells me to taste it. I do, and then he tells me it's practically straight bacardi with a splash of coke. He then proceeds to say that he's going to jail. I ask him why and he tells me that he's gonna get into a fight that night (see why he never drinks anything but beer?). I tell him not to fight and then ask him if he's coming out this weekend with us to celebrate my birthday (which is Sunday) and he shrugs and says "If I'm not still in jail," and then walks inside. Fast forward a little while, and I decide to text him saying something to the effect of if he's in jail for fighting who's gonna give me birthday nookie over the weekend. No response from him. Fast forward again a little while and he's talking to my friend at the bar, I'm standing close by and hear him tell her that he's gonna get into a fight tonight. And then, according to her, he looked over at me. Now, who knows what that really means. Fast forward a little while once more and we're all outside... me, my friend, the ex, the guy who just had a baby (why was he there and not with his wife? who knows), another one of the guys we had been hanging out with, and the guy from earlier who was all flirty with me. Flirty guy comes up behind me and starts dancing/grinding on me, tries kissing my neck, etc. and I'm not really into it so I keep pulling away. I look over and see the ex and the two guys all watching and the next thing I know, the ex is saying goodbye to people. He walks in, I follow cuz I want to say goodbye to him and ask him again about this weekend, when the other girl from last week comes over to him and gives him a big hug (mind you she was there with a different guy last night). He hugs her back, face in her neck, holding her for a long time. When they finally pull away, he starts to leave and so I follow and say his name, he turns and says "bye" without making eye contact. I try grabbing his arm cuz I wanna make sure he's okay and he pulls away and says "no." and walks out.

Of course I'm upset about this. Why is he still all sweet with this girl who treated him like shit, but won't give me the time of day? I would never have done what she did to him, and he's able to forgive her but not me. And I didn't even do anything wrong! So I start walking back, pissed/upset about the whole thing. The guy who just had a baby intercepts me and says "Whats wrong?" Now this guy and the ex are like brothers. They would do anything for one another, so i don't want to get him involved. But he persists... saying that he knows I'm upset cuz I'm not smiling like I usually am and says he's not leaving me alone until I tell him. So I tell him that it was about the ex and he said "you miss him?" And I said that I did, and he told me to go after him then. I explained that I tried and he brushed me aside. I said how he basically had already brushed his hands clean of me. To which he responded, "Trust me. He hasn't. If he had brushed his hands clean of you, then why was he getting all pissed about that other guy dancing with you?" So he and I go back and forth for a while and he insists that he doesn't know what the ex's deal is because he won't talk to even him about it, but that if I really want him, I have to chase him and catch him. He does also say that while he hates getting in the middle of shit like this, that he'll talk to the ex for me because I pointed out that it would be hard to talk to him if he kept ignoring me.

Now, why do I have to be the one to chase? I'm not the one who ended it in the first place. I'm not the one who was with someone else immediately. I'm not the one who ignored him for a week before breaking up with him. He did that to me. So shouldn't he swallow his f*cking pride and talk to me? Yet he won't do that, so if I want this to work out, I have to be the one to chase him. I don't know what all I will do yet, but I think I am going to try and call him tonight. he won't answer, of course, but I can leave a detailed voicemail about everything I'm thinking and hope it gets through to him. Who knows if it will. So yeah I might chase him for a bit, but it won't last long. Because obviously, I can get other guys. So if he stays stubborn and ignorant for too long, he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not chasing him anymore and that his chance to be with a good woman who wouldn't treat him like shit is gone. And that'll be his loss.

Is anyone still out there?

Wow... I thought going more than a week was bad as far as between posts. And yet, here I am, over a full month since the last time I blogged. I apologize to anyone who may still be out there checking in on my life.

Part of it is that I have been a little more busy at work, thankfully! When I started blogging, I was lucky to have 2 patients a week. Now I'm usually right around 8 patients for the week, which is great news. It means that I have more to do and don't feel as out-of-my-mind-crazy bored. Unfortunately, it has also meant less time to blog. I know, I know. I shouldn't be blogging at work anyway, and should do it on my own time, but I like to do other things in my spare time also, so it's created a lack of posts.

I feel like a lot has gone on in my life since I last posted also. The big news, I have a new man in my life. Here's the problem: his actions have made me a little crazy lately, which I don't like. Let me fill you in on all the details. So I met him through my friend at work, who used to be engaged to his brother (like 5 years ago). From the first night, we were making out like teenagers (awesome!) and he pretty much was calling and texting me all the time and he wanted to hang out a lot. Now, just two days after I met him, I went to Miami for the weekend (which I'll get to either in a bit or on my next post) and I couldn't stop thinking about him while I was gone. Once I got back, we were spending like everyday together and having a blast, but I was a little wary of starting a real relationship with him cuz of my broken heart from the ex (who I'm still not 100% over), and I told him that. But he kept persuing and being so sweet and fun, that a week later when he asked me to be his girl, I told him we'd give it a try. After that, he's changed a bit. He left a party I was having super early, although granted he did have to work the next day, and got pissed that I was upset that he left so early. Since then, things have been a little strained. Sure, we've still talked everyday, and hung out a couple times, and he talks and acts like everything is fine between us, but I can't help but compare how he's acting now to how he was acting before we officially got together.

This is what's driving me crazy. I tend to overanalyze everything anyway, and now I'm paranoid that things have changed and he doesn't want to be with me anymore, even though I don't really have any proof to that. But like today, I found out my friend at work has whooping cough, so I called my guy to tell him and he didn't answer his phone, which is no big deal since I assumed he was at work. So I left him a message telling him we needed to talk about her sickness to make sure he didn't get it also. Well I don't hear back from him, and then hear from my friend later that she called him and talked to him and told him all about it. So immediately my mind thinks "Well if he wasn't at work, why didn't he answer when I called, but answered when she did? And when he got my message why didn't he call back?" Again, not really a big deal, but like I said, I've turned slightly crazy! Plus you put that together with the fact that he and his friends went out last night for a "boys night", because according to my man, they all "had things they needed to talk about." Which also of course makes me think "Is it about me? Is he trying to figure out if he still wants to be with me?" I know, paranoid! And also, he told me he'd call me when he got done with them, and he never did.

This is what I need to focus on: 1.) he has told me everything is fine between us. 2.) he's acted like we're fine still when we've seen each other. 3.) the frequency that he calls me/texts me/sees me now is normal for a new relationship, before it may have been a bit of overkill. 4.) he has been busy and stressed out at work lately, and tired from working so much.

I guess what i find annoying is that when he was persuing me, I was hesitant about getting involved because I didn't want to get emotionally attached for it to not work out. Now I am a little attached (not so much that I wouldn't be able to get over it if it did end, but enough so that I don't want it to end already) and he's acting differently. I'm trying to just let it go and assume everything is fine unless I hear otherwise from him. I think this weekend will be pretty telling. The weekends since we've known each other so far have gone like this: 1st - I was in Miami, 2nd - we hung out until all hours Friday and Saturday, and got together Sunday also, 3rd - he had to work both Saturday and Sunday, so I only saw him for a little bit Friday and then we went to a movie Sunday. He doesn't have to work this weekend, so I'm expecting to see him more again if things are still good with us. If not, maybe I'll just call him out on it and see what he says. I'd rather know earlier than later what's going through his mind. I will say that part of me doesn't want it to end just because it has provided such a nice distraction from thinking about the ex and his new gf. I don't know if I could see myself marrying him, but I kinda did want it to last longer as a rebound relationship to help me get over the hump. I guess we'll see how things go... I know I'm acting all crazy, so any words of wisdom or encouragement would be great.

Okay, all other news will have to wait for another post. It's good to be back!

Memorbale life

As i cleaned up my kitchen last night after cooking dinner for myself, it struck my that absolutely nothing happened that day. I got up, worked out, had breakfast, went to work, had lunch with my mom at work, went home, did some crunches, made dinner, played with my dog, and watched some TV. While all of it was all well and good, nothing bad happened after all, absolutely none of it was memorable. There was nothing that I did that day that I would later remember and think, "That was a good day." And I think, sadly, that more often than not, that's how my days are. I go through my life, do what I need to do, do some things I enjoy, and that's that.

It wasn't a bad realization. It was just more disheartening. I don't want my life to be blah. I don't want it to be the same thing, day in and day out with nothing really to show for it. I want to be able to write one of those Christmas newsletters at the end of the year highlighting all the wonderful things I've done this year... not that I would, mind you, I just wish I was able to if I did want to. If I wrote one of those this year it would include these fine details: went on a ski trip, ex broke up with me, kinda got back together with the ex briefly, broke up with the ex again, went on several blind dates that didn't amount to much, and continued to work at my job where I'm lucky to see 3 patients a week. That would be a Christmas letter that no one would want to read. I don't want all the memorable events in my life to surround my lack of a love life.

I've blogged about this before, somewhat. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Creating a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. I just need to figure out a way to be more passionate about these things and really do them. I don't want life to happen to me... I want to make my life happen. I sound so chessy right about now that I think I'm going to stop this post. But, I'm keeping these thoughts in my mind to try to make my life more memorable.

slacker

I have been a total slacker on my blog lately. I guess not too much is going on in my life to blog about, but I still feel I should try and blog more often than once a week or so. I think this is only the 2nd blog I've done this whole month! That's crazy and I'm going to be better about it.

Last week was National Single's Week. That's going to be my excuse for not blogging at all last week, I was out celebrating my singledom! Of course, this isn't exactly true. I didn't really do anything to celebrate being single. But after reading that it was National Single's Week, I did at least think happily about all the things I can do because I'm single. I can go out with whoever I want, whenever I want and not feel the need to justify it to anyone. Everything I own is mine, not ours. I can frivolously spend my money on whatever the hell I want. I can openly discuss all the men I find attractive without hurting anyone's feelings. I can go out and make out with a different guy every night if I want. I mean, there really are a lot of good things that come from being single.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about being single. I know I don't need a man. A big part of me doesn't really even want a man right now. I'm still hurt from the ex and I don't want to go through that all again. I just wish I had someone to do things with sometimes. I wish I had someone to share a bottle of wine with while watching a movie and cuddling on a Friday night. Now, of course I can have a bottle of wine and watch a movie all by myself, but somehow it's just not the same.

I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself and my wants right now. I've become an adviser for my sorority at a campus close to town. I've also joined my sorority's alum social group, so I'm out there trying to meet other people to be friends with. I'm working out, eating well (most of the time at least), and I'm taking time to just explore things I like or want to learn more about. I know it will all come together at some point. I just hope it does before I lose my mind completely.

Missing in action

I haven't written for quite a while. I know you've probably all thought I'm missing in action, but I'm still here. Just don't have that much going on in my life I guess. Of course I say that now and as I'm writing this, I'll probably come up with lots to talk about and will tend to ramble on a bit. So first I'll start with some quick updates:

First, I realized that after I wrote about the bikini bootcamp I was partaking in, I barely said anything about it. It was a couple weeks of torture. I found myself working out all the time, barely having anytime to relax in the evenings, and trying hard to stay strict to my diet plan. I did pretty well, losing about 4 or so pounds in the process. Here is where the problem comes in though. Since I was so good, and basically thought of it as a 2-week plan, as soon as those two weeks were up (actually a couple days early) I fell off the wagon. And hard. It was like I couldn't stop eating and everything I ate was bad for me, because I had been so strict with myself for those weeks. So last week, my first official week off, was basically a mess. I think I walked twice and did no other exercise and pretty much ate whatever I wanted. This week I'm trying harder, but who knows how well I'll do. My work schedule has changed, so I now have time to get up before I go to work (without having to get up before the sun rises) and work out. So far this week I've walked twice, and plan on walking tomorrow and Thursday as well. I'm also trying to eat better this week, but I forgot my lunch at home yesterday and therefore had to eat what the drug rep brought to the office, which wasn't bad but probably not as healthy as my salad and banana would have been.

Update 2. So if you remember, a couple weeks ago my friend at work told me she had "the perfect guy" for me. Friends with her ex, air force guy, funny, etc. Well I finally met him this past weekend, and my first thoughts were "really? him?" Now of course I didn't say this, but thats what I was thinking. You know how when you meet someone there's that initial moment where you base everything on looks? He just wasn't what I wanted looks-wise. And I hate saying this because it sounds so shallow, and I'm not generally the type of girl who cares that much about looks. But when you can't see yourself ever having a physical relationship with the guy, it's just not bound to work. but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him, and he really is funny and nice so I gave him my number, thinking "okay, one date wouldn't hurt. maybe the attraction will grow." I doubt it though. I mean, beyond his looks (and I admit he's not ugly by any menas, just kinda goofy looking), he hangs out places I wouldn't normally hang out, he dresses young (t-shirts and baggy jean shorts), and he doesn't even have his own place, he lives with my friend's ex, along with the friend's ex's dad and brother. it's like a bachelor pad. Plus, my friend's ex treats her like shit. Calls her names, gets pissed at her so easily, and the other day took it to a physical level, which I AM NOT okay with. If I started dating this guy, I'm sure I'd be forced to hang out with my friend's ex at times, which I wouldn't want to do. When I think about the fact that I'm not into him cuz of his looks and those other things though, I start to question if I'm just making excuses because I'm too afraid that I'll get hurt again. Cuz I don't want to be alone forever and if I keep not giving guys a chance because of those things then that might be where I end up. Of course the other part of me thinks that if I was at least physically attracted to him, I wouldn't be thinking about getting hurt. If he was good-looking, I'd probably be ready to date again.

Finally, update on knowing the ex has a new girlfriend. It still sucks. And I'll admit that I don't think I'm going about it the right way, but it's working for me so far. Basically, I try to avoid thinking about him at all costs. I just go about my day as if everything is fine and think about other things and focus on that stuff. But the problem with that is that when I am hit with thoughts of him, it's harder to deal with. For instance, I was reading the other night and the two characters of the book were going to Playa del Carmen for a wedding and staying at an all-inclusive hotel. I did this exact thing with the ex last November. So reading it of course brought back memories of our trip together and I ended up crying myself to sleep. Fun times. The other way I try to deal with it is by having fantasies of marrying Josh Beckett, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. This is a lot more fun way to deal with it, although not likely to happen. I know it just takes time. I just wish I could fast-forward to a time when it was all better.

Okay I'm out. I'll try to post again sooner than two weeks next time!

Trying to deal

First things first, I'm still doing the bootcamp and thrilled to be almost done with it. I'm just tired of all the working out and eating well. Feeling like I can't even have a piece of chocolate in the middle of the day. And I might cheat a little today, cuz my lunch just isn't all that appetizing to me and someone is supposed to bringing lunch into work today. I'm going to wait and see what they bring and then decide what I'm actually going to eat. But it has done pretty well for me... I'm down a total of 3.6 pounds since starting the program. I do plan on keeping some of the aspects after I'm officially done with the 2 weeks. I want to still walk, do circuit training, and do core strengthening, just not all of it every day. And I think I can keep eating pretty well, although I'll probably go back to taking it easier on the healthy eating over the weekend.

The bigger news of the week: my ex, the one who's main reason for breaking up with me and the one who a month ago in our last email exchange said he loved me and missed me but we should just consider oursleves single for a while and take things a day at a time? He's already got a new girlfriend. I happened to look at his myspace profile the other day, and he had changed his status back from single to in a relationship, he's moved me from top on his friends lis to #5 with this new girl top, and he has a picture of the two of them describing her as a "hottie."

It's like a slap in the face. (And now after typing that, all I can think of is that Alanis Morrisette song "You Oughta Know"). Seriously, did our relationship mean nothing to him? When we were together, he would discuss our future and indicate that we'd get married and have kids. Not just once, but on several occasions. How can he break up with me, claiming to want to be single, and then within a couple of months have a new girlfriend? I mean, technically we broke up in March, true. But at that time, we didn't talk for 2 weeks and didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and then we were right back to going out on the weekends, seeing each other through the week, etc. So I don't really consider us broken up until the middle of June. And yet, here he is, in a new relationship already. And I would bet money that he was already seeing this new girl when he sent me that last email.

I'm trying to deal with all the emotions I'm having about it. I'm really trying to make peace with the situation. After all, this knowledge really doesn't alter my life at all. The only thing that changes is now knowing that any fantasy I had of us running into each other and him wanting to get back together is over. But my feelings for him haven't changed. My day to day life hasn't changed. It was hard not talking to him before I knew this information, and it will continue to be hard not having him in my life. But then I'll be going about my day and something will make me think of him and I'll either have flashes of anger and hatred for him, or feelings of sadness. Maybe I'm trying too hard to force myself to be okay with it when I'm not really. But how are you supposed to deal when the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with replaces you so easily?

Weekend of sins

I was very bad this weekend, on many levels. First, gossip out of the way. Let's just put it this way... I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have (no sex, just some other action). And these actions could cause major problems. A relationship could break up, a friendship could end, a family relationship could be strained. I don't want to get into details, lest you all judge me (although who could blame you for judging me based on what I have divulged). Both parties were wasted, and I mean wasted (power hour was involved, along with drinks beforehand and afterwards), but still no excuses. I feel awful about the whole thing, but I guess there's nothing that can be done now except wait and see where the chips fall.

The other sins aren't as bad. Basically, Friday night and Saturday night I went off the bikini bootcamp program to have a little fun. I know that two weeks isn't that long to abstain from alcohol, but my brother was having a party Friday night so obviously I was going to drink there. And one of my friends was leaving to move to LA yesterday, so Saturday night we indulged on a very extravagent, expensive dinner that involved an appetizer of lobster, crab cakes, and scallops, main courses of steak and lobster, a chocolatey cake for dessert, and a bottle of wine to wash it all down. It was pure heaven and a special treat to celebrate ourselves, which we decided should be donw much more often. However, it did make the weight go the opposite direction from where I wanted. Saturday morning I was actually down 3.4 pounds since the previous Monday when I started the program. Sunday I was back up by 2.8 of those pounds.

I know, you aren't supposed to weigh everyday but I like to monitor my progress. But I was frustrated today to find myself weighing the same thing as I did yesterday. Yes I overindulged and it takes a lot longer to work the weight off as it does to put it on. But the rest of Saturday I ate well and worked out. Yesterday I ate well and worked out according to the plan and was on my feet practically all day doing errands and housework. Plus, seeing as though I'm not a morning person, I have a hard time justifying getting up early to do yoga and walk for 70 minutes if it's not going to have the effect that I want. Plus, I know me and I know that it's unlikely in my life to not go out on the weekends and at least have a few drinks. I feel like the only way for me to do the program full-force this week is to not go out at all next weekend, which I obviously don't want to do. I'm a social person and like to go out.

I will say that I feel like lately my world has just imploded around me. I feel like there are too many changes and I don't know how to deal with them. I mean, basically in the past 2 months I've lost a relationship as well as 2 of my best friends here. And I didn't have that many friends to begin with. The ex was my best friend, so not only have a lost that romantic side of things with us, but also a friend to call on when I need them and just to hang out with. And with my other friend moving across the country, it's made me want to reach out to the ex even more. I wish I could just call him up and get together for dinner just to talk like we used to. I don't want to get back together with him (well not unless he had worked through his commitment issues) but I miss talking to him and hearing whats going on in his life. I feel like things are just so out of my control these days and I hate it. I try to hide my feelings and act like I'm okay, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm just wearing this mask and faking it. Fake it until you make it, or fake it until you believe it. But it's so hard to fake it all the time.

What was I thinking?

Every muscle in my body aches. I move even slightly and I'm in pain. Evil bikini bootcamp! As I blogged about yesterday, I have decided to undertake this program to jump-start my healthy eating and exercise habits again. I'm all sorts of excited about the possibilities it brings: losing weight!, tighter body!, more self-confidence! Or at least I was excited about it.

It's a lot easier to be excited about something, and determined to see it through, when your body doesn't feel as if you were run over by a school bus (like the reference to it being back to school time?!). It would also be a lot easier if it was one of those programs where you eased into it or where you only did circuit training (read: strength training) every other day. And that is what is encouraged after the 2 weeks on the program. For now, however, the only relief I get is not having to do core strengthening every day. That (which works the abs and lower back mostly) gets done every other day. Now part of the circuit training I do every day does involve exercises for those muscle groups also, so it's not really a break, just 20 minutes less every other day. I'm still going through with it though. I'm still determined, even if it means I feel like this forever. I know after a few days my body should be used to it and I won't ache as much, but it's hard to focus on that right now.

One thing I really do like about this program is how it's really a whole body thing. Body and mind. You do meditation every day, which allows for release of negative emotions (which I've had plenty of lately). It also incorporates journal writing, which allows you to vent about anything and everything, helping you gain perspective and clear your mind. And my favorite part (which I'll admit I didn't actually do yesterday because it would have meant another shower, which I just didn't have time for)? At-home spa treatments! A little pampering for your weary soul after the all day workouts. Yesterday I was supposed to do something to my hair, but as I said I didn't have time for the extra shower that required. Today, however, I fully plan on taking the time to enjoy an avocado facial mask. I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyone else trying to get back in shape? It always helps to go through these things together, so I'd love to hear your stories.

Bikini Bootcamp

**WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST TO FOLLOW**

I went to the bookstore last week (I think it was Wednesday, but I suppose that's somewhat irrelevant) to get books about traveling. I want to go on a vacation pretty badly, and don't really care where I go. I haven't been on a real vacation (read: longer than a long weekend) since last November when I went to Mexico with the ex (you know I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning him, although I think that's all he will be mentioned the rest of the post). I kind of want to take a trip by myself to relax, unwind, forget about all the cares in the world, and do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. So I went to the bookstore (B&N for those who care) to get this book I had heard about called 100 Places Every Woman Should Go by Stephanie Elizondo Griest. I figured this would give me some good ideas of where to go and what to do when I went there. Granted, I'm not planning on having the money for a good vacation for a while still. That gives me plenty of time to figure out what to do on this "All About Me" vacation. None of this is the point to this post. The point to the post is coming up though.

While at B&N, I wandered around a bit. I should never be allowed to do this, because, inevitably, I find other things that I feel I need at that moment. Of course this happened once again. I came across this book called Bikini Bootcamp by Melissa Perlman and Erica Gragg. These two woman have created the Amansala Spa (which, coincidentally I've decided might just be where I want to go on my vacation) in Mexico, which as far as I can tell encourages women to relax, take care of themselves, and forget about the stress of everyday life (doesn't that sound almost exactly like what I wanted?). So they have this program at the Amansala Spa called Bikini Bootcamp, which is where this book comes from. Having lost some weight this year (about 20 pounds, with at least another 20 to 25 left to lose) and no longer motivated to work out and eat well, as I had been, I decided that maybe this book would be a good way to get my butt back into gear. Especially since my aunt has challenged me to a mini-competition. She is participating in a Biggest Loser type of program at her work, where she has people sponsoring her and for every pound she loses, they contribute a certain amount of money which goes to charity (I hope that ridiculous sentence makes sense). So, knowing that I've lost motivation, she's helping me out by seeing which one of us can lose the biggest percentage of weight from now (well last week) until October 13. So I get this Bikini Bootcamp book, which is complete with exercises and meal plans for two weeks and I'm all gung-ho about starting the program. I'm really about to get to the point of the post now...

Well you can't start a program at the end of the week or on a weekend, so today is my first day. I went grocery shopping yesterday to get all the things I needed and decided that there's no reason one person should spend $150 on groceries just for herself for one week. But I'm determined to do this right, so I dutifully get all things on the list (well except for the few things I don't like, like avocados, and a few things I couldn't find, like flax seeds). let me tell you, my cart was already practically full by the time I had gotten through just the produce section. Does one girl really need 6 heads of lettuce for one week?! Again, I'm thinking no, but I'm determined so I get them all. My hope is that I'll see how much I get through this week and then make necessary adjustments for next week. Anyway, so I get home from the grocery store and open up the book to mentally prepare myself and go over what I'm supposed to do today...

• 15 minutes of yoga
• 1 hour of walking, plus 5 minutes warm-up and 5 minutes cool-down
• 45 minutes of circuit training
• 20 minutes of core strengthening exercises
• 15 minutes of journal writing, and
• 15 minutes of meditation

For anyone keeping track, that's 3 hours of stuff. And that doesn't even include cooking the meals I have dutifully grocery-shopped for and eating said meals. Now, I don't get home from work on Mondays until 5:30 or 6. Then I have to spend some time taking my dog out for a walk and changing my clothes. So let's assume all that takes 30 minutes. That puts my start time for all of this at 6 or 6:30. I do all my stuff and it's already 9 or 9:30! Like I'm going to cook dinner then. Again, however, I'm determined to do this right. Granted, they did say you could do the journal writing whenever you have time, so I'll do that today at work, and meditation could be done right before you go to bed, so that's when I'll do that. That leaves me with a mere 2 and a half hours of stuff to do. Still thinking I wouldn't want to do all of that when I got home from work, what do I do? I get my ass out of bed at 5:45 this morning so I can do my yoga and walk before I shower and get myself ready for work. Let me emphasize this point: I am not a morning person. So I really must be determined if I'm willing to get myself up before the sun rises to exercise. Especially knowing that I have a second workout planned for when I get home.

Let me further this by saying that breakfast this morning was a blueberry smoothie. Now, I'm all about the smoothies you get at places like Jamba Juice, but this was not one of those types of smoothies. This was the barely sweet kind that you have to force down. Not that it didn't taste good, it did, it just wasn't what I like in something called a smoothie. Plus, I think of smoothies as being for snacks (which may be why I needed Bikini Bootcamp in the first place). If I'm eating breakfast, I want something more substantial than a smoothie.

Now, having complained about the amount of money I spent at the grocery store, complained about the amount of exercise I have to do, forcing me to get up before I sometimes even get to bed on the weekends, and complained about the first breakfast, I will say that I'm still positive about this program. I think it is what I need to kick-start my butt back into gear. Plus, I'm sure it's more than my aunt is doing, so I'm well on my way to winning the mini-competition. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through 2 weeks of hell and then I can normalize out and not have to get up at the crack of dawn or spend as much money. My advice to all of you loyal readers is this: Do not be fooled by anything with the word "bootcamp" in it, even if it is preceeded by "Bikini." It will be tough and a lot of work. All I know is that I better see results for it to be worth it. I'll keep you all posted. And I apologize for the ridiculously long post.

Dating update

Here's a problem I have with dating. I apparently got spoiled with my ex and our first date. There was an instant connection, good chemistry, really comfortable right from the beginning, and I found him attractive right away. I haven't found that again. The two guys I've been out with so far this week just didn't have that connection.

Okay so the first guy. He was nice enough. We had a pretty good conversation, flowed pretty well, no awkward silences really. But as I sat there at dinner, I just didn't feel like I could ever see myself being romantically involved with him, kissing him etc. Not that he was bad looking, just couldn't see it. So I thought, okay well if he calls I'll maybe go out with him again and see if I can't stir up any thoughts that way. He emailed me the next day and said dinner was "great" (really? great? I would have gone with average, but that's just me) and that he'd love to do it again sometime and he hoped to hear from me soon. I thought, okay thats good. I'll email him back tomorrow and maybe try to set something up. Then he calls that night! Okay, whoa there buddy. You emailed, I didn't respond yet, don't call also! At least not the same day! Am I wrong? To me that just reeks of desperation or something. i figure I'll still email him back and let him know that we could go out again, but that I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not looking to jump into something serious and I'm dating around and taking things slow. See how he is with that.

Second date. Again, the guy was nice enough. The conversation wasn't as free-flowing, to the point where he even said on a couple different occasions, "Do you have any questions for me?" I'm sorry, I didn't know this was a job interview. I mean, I guess it is kind of, but don't ask that! Plus I didn't feel like he and I had that much in common. He's a morning person, I'm a night owl. He's really active, sometimes going running twice a day just cuz he's bored, I'm active, but enjoy my couch also. He didn't even get a drink with dinner, which made me feel like I shouldn't. And I had been looking forward to a margarita with my Mexican food all day! The good thing is that when we parted ways after dinner, he said "Well you have my number so if you'd like to hang out feel free to give me a call. I won't bother you or anything." So I guess balls in my court on this one. He pretty much made it easy to not call him ever again and not seem like a bitch.

That's how my week has panned out so far. My friend at work is going to try and see about setting me up with the guy she knows tonight possibly. I'm actually looking forward to that more than either of the dates this week. I didn't want to go on these dates at all, which might have been why I wasn't that into them. But at least this other guy knows someone I know. So it doens't feel as weird. But again, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to get in the game again. I know that I still want to be with my ex, so it all feels fake to me. Am I being too picky? Do I have standards of perfection that are just too damn high?

A week of dating

Apparently this week is all about dating for me. I have a date tonight with one guy, one tomorrow with a different guy, and then my friend at work today told me that she has "the perfect guy" for me. Let me now take the time to point out that I am still over the whole concept of love. Quite honestly, I'm not looking forward to any of this.

It just seems like so much effort to put in to something that most likely will not work out in the end. Plus, I've always been bad at dating multiple guys at the same time. I've always been one who will go out with a guy once and determine from there what I want to happen. If I like the guy, then I generally am content with just seeing him, even if he may not be on the same page. This doesn't mean I consider him my boyfriend right away, I just don't look for anyone else because I'm hoping that things will work out with this guy. Or, if I feel lukewarm about the guy, then I generally don't bother going out with him again. Why waste anyone's time? So it's weird for me in the first place to have 2 dates, on back to back days let alone the same week.

I feel bad because given my bitter state, I'm not looking to date anyone or start a relationship with anyone. So I feel like I should just concentrate on myself and not even go out on dates. But I guess it beats sitting at home by myself. Maybe. Possibly not. At least I should be getting two free meals out of this week. If these guys are any kind of gentlemen they wouldn't let me pay. I'll let you know it goes.

Changes are coming

Okay so my bitter attitude is a change for me, as I described in my previous post. I'm still feeling the same... I'm over the idea of me falling in love. I do want to clarify that I think love is great for other people and for those who are in love I'm very happy. I even want my ex to fall in love with someone someday. It won't be me, and thats fine. I just don't want him to be alone for the rest of the life.

I did something fun today... I pretty much got my hair all chopped off. I went into my hairdresser and told her "I want a change. I'm putty in your hands. Whatever you think would look good, I'm ready for it." She seemed to enjoy it once she made sure I meant it. So my hair was originally about halfway down my back. Now I have this cute bob type style that is longer in front and shorter in the back. We also made it a bit darker (milk chocolate is the technical name for the color) and it has a couple blonde highlights throughout. I'd say that it's a little bit like a longer version of Katie Holmes new haircut. Maybe I'm wrong in that assessment, but I don't really care. All I know is that I haven't had my hair this short since I was about 3. And I love it. Love it! Granted I still have to see if I can make it look as cute when I style it myself, but I think it's a great change for me. Am I the only one who does this type of thing? A major change in my life makes me want to basically start over completely and change other things. Some of it physical, like the haircut, but other changes too... like I'm reading The Art of Happiness, which was written by this guy and is basically a bunch of conversations with the Dalai Lama. I've only just started reading it, but I think it's going to make me look at the world differently. Does this seem silly? I mean, why didn't I do these things before? I think the changes (except maybe my new bitter outlook on love) are going to be really good for me.

Bitter? Cynical? Maybe just real...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm done with love. This new twist in my relationship with the ex has just proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he and I are officially done. Yes I could have come to that conclusion (and pretty much had) when I didn't hear from him in a month and a half, but I could always have fantasies about him calling me up and wanting me back. Having heard straight from him that he's not in love with me, and isn't the guy I need him to be, has shut down my heart. I'm so sick and tired of hearing from my previous relationships that I'm a great girl, smart, funny, cute, and will make some guy really happy someday, but he just isn't the one. If I'm so wonderful, then why the hell do they break up with me? Do me the favor and don't tell me how great I am when you obviously don't mean it, cuz if you did we'd still be together. I never want to feel this way again. And the only way to ensure that I never feel this way again is to make sure I never fall in love again. Which is hard to come to grips with, since I've always been a big fan of love.

What do I really need a man for anyway? I mean, let's think about the big reasons: children? I can always adopt or do the sperm bank thing if I want biological children. I think I'm strong enough to raise kids on my own. money? I have a good job that pays well enough for me to pay all my bills, buy the things I need, and have enough left over to have some fun. Plus I'm investing in my 401k, so I'm already saving for the future. sex? this is probably the hardest one, but I've got toys that feel just as good and don't leave me. compainionship? I have a dog and when I need other people, I have a wonderful family and group of friends who I can spend time with. I can't think of a single good reason to have a man in my life when there's a probability that it won't work out and I'll be feeling like this again. Am I wrong?

He actually wrote back...

which I'm kind of thinking now I wish he hadn't. Cuz now I'm in tears at work and trying to be strong and whatever, but it cuts through me. He basically said not to blame myself for the way things happened and he didn't care about the drunk dial. He then went on to say that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. That he thought I realized that too since we kept having arguments (which he fails to realize was really only when we were drunk, but whatever). He said that we should consider ourselves both single (which I did from the first break-up, but again whatever), because I'm a great girl and would find someone soon and holding ontom my feelings for him might make me miss that someone. He said that he didn't mind talking or emailing me, but that it was too hard to hang out without feelings getting involved. He said that he missed me too, but he just wasn't what I needed in a guy.

It wasn't the closure I wanted. no mention of maybe being friends in the future. But hey, at least it's closure, right? And yes it hurts like hell now, but it will get better, right? RIGHT?!

Bad Jenn update

Okay, so possibly against my better judgment I sent the ex an email. As my friend at work said, "If he doesn't respond, at least you got some things off your chest about it. Plus he's not emailing you now anyway, so it really won't be any different." I went with that.

The email basically said that I was sorry for calling him drunk and that it wouldn't happen again. Then I went on to say how I hated the way things ended between us and I wish I hadn't made as big of a deal about the festival thing as I had. I said I wouldn't apologize for my feelings because I thought they were valid, but I was sorry I had let it become a bigger deal and be the end of things between us. I told him that I thought he was an amazing person and has endured so much in his life that I hope one day he'll let someone love him the way I tried to, and that he would love them in return. I told him that I knew he'd make a great husband one day if he just lets himself get to that point. I did make it clear that my writing him wasn't a push to win him back and that I didn't really expect a response. That I was just really hoping to feel a little more closure with the way things ended between us, and that I hoped that someday we could be friends again because I missed his friendship.

Now of course I'm nervous, because true I'd LOVE to hear from him. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm hoping that I did the right thing. Would you have done the same thing in my position?

Bad Jenn

I did something stupid Friday night. I had gone out with my brother, sister-in-law, and a couple of my brothers friends and had a great time. I was flirting with one of the guys, and he was flirting back and everything was great. We all ended up coming back to my house, since thats where we started and I had all the beer/alcohol there. Well my brother and sister-in-law needed to get back home to take care of their dog so my dad came to get them (he's good like that... he'd rather pick us up at all hours of the night than have us spend our money on a taxi). So my dad offered everyone a ride home, and everyone went, including the guy who was flirting with me. Now I do understand his logic... my brother would be none to happy if I hooked up randomly with one of his best friends. Unfortunately, because I was then all worked up and wanting some action, plus not ready to go to bed yet, I called the ex.

STUPID! Of course he didn't answer, nor did he ever call me back, which just sent me to tears and feeling bad about the whole thing. I mean, I still miss him and hate that we're no longer together. And he was my best friend here, so I just miss being able to talk to him and hear how everything is going in his life. So now I have this dilemma... part of me wants to send him an email saying sorry for drunk dialing him and then getting a few things off my chest in oder to help me get a little more closure on the situation. But the other part of me knows that he probably won't write back, which will just make me more upset again. Even telling myself that I don't expect a response from him and that I'm doing this for me and not him, it will still hurt if it doesn't mean enough to him to even acknowledge me with a response.

So the question is, do I write him to try to feel more closure with the break-up? Or do I just let fate take its course, knowing that I still won't have my closure, but if its meant to be we'll somehow end up back together? If anyone has any strong opinions about this, I'm all ears.

Music

I love music. Pretty much any kind, depending on my mood. I almost always have music on around me... when driving in my car, when sitting at work with nothing to do, while playing on my computer at home, etc. I just can't deal with silence. Music just speaks to me. I feel so much through the words of a song, and I really think that it influences my emotions. My ex never listened to the actual words of songs, but liked songs based on their beat/melody, which is fine, but if I ever felt like a song connected to me and reminded me of him and he heard it, he never got the connection. But anyway...

So I was driving home from work last night, jumping around on the radio stations. I finally settled on one which plays mostly older songs (not oldies, but like from the 80's and 90's) because it was the only station playing any music at the time. So there I was singing along with whatever song came on. One song ended and the song "Maneater" by Hall and Oates comes on (I don't know who of you out there know the song, but its about a woman who basically just eats men up, never falls in love, never settles down, etc.). The song came out when I was like 4 or 5 I think, and I LOVED it back then. I mean, I'd make my dad play it and I would sing it and dance around my living room. Of course at the time I had no idea what the song meant, I just knew the video had a panther in it which I thought was way cool. But I'm thinking that if that was my "theme song" so to speak back in the day, maybe that's why I never seem to find guys who are ready for commitment! Kind of like the song backfired for me or something! Ha ha. Maybe I should become more like the "maneater" and not give a shit either.

Am I the only one who really feels the lyrics to music? I feel like now every song has a meaning and it's as if each song was written for me. I really wish I had a soundtrack of my life... it would be crazy.

My love for reality TV

I hate to admit it sometimes, but I really do love reality TV. I find it all just so amusing! I'm one of those people who will watch something for the first time, and then get totally sucked into it, even if it's awful! My current favorite is So You Think You Can Dance (because, I DO truly think I can dance, and usually proceed to do so at some point while watching the show. Don't worry, I make sure all my blinds are closed so that my neighbors do not see me breakin it down and shakin my ass in my living room all by myself). Big Brother 8 is running a close second. I will now describe to you WHY I have love for these shows:

SYTYCD: All I have to say is men who can dance are hot. I am totally in love with Dominic (he's got that bad-boy look, but seems really sweet and funny), but I think he may be sent packing tonight since he was in the bottom two last week. That being said, I think all the guys are good-looking and I actually wouldn't mind if this show just kept everyone around all the time. Couldn't it just be a show about 20 hot people who dance? I also have a girl crush on 3 of the 4 remaining girls left. I think maybe it just shows that I need to get out there and dance more often. Some of the routines are incredibly hot and leave me with dirty, dirty thoughts in my head.

BB8: These people are crazy! It takes no actual talent to be on the show. You don't have to have any skills or be smart. In fact, sometimes the least talented and dumbest people get cast. But by far, the reason I love this show is that the people on it say the best lines. Case in point, Jameka from the show on Tuesday actually said, with a straight face, "God is a ganster." How could you not love that?!

I know, random post today, but better than complaining. See, I do actually like things!

To do in this lifetime

Okay so I've been thinking about how I really do like my life, for all the complaining I do about men and dating and how much it all sucks (which it still does). Yet I still feel restless/unsatisfied and like I don't know what I'm doing with it. I know, it's the whole quarter-life crisis thing. I guess part of what sucks is that when I moved back here to my hometown, I felt like I had already been going through the quarter-life crisis and that I was coming back to get away from all that. I was excited. I was really, really happy. And then I moved back and almost immediately began dating the ex (within 2 and a half months, which is no small feat considering I moved back right at Christmas time and then my top priority was finding a place to live so as to not live with my parents anymore). This made me even more happy since it meant I had people to go out with, a guy who cared about me (alledgedly at least), a house, and a job. Life was great! Okay so the excitement wears off and I get comfortable in my relationship, and things are still good but starting to feel a little restless. And then, boom! Out of nowhere the ex breaks up with me and I'm lost. I mean, utterly, completely, 100% rock-bottom. I've been trying to climb up from there ever since. I'm making some headway, but I'd say I'm still at about 50-60% rock bottom (which, fine, isn't technically rock bottom). Okay, so this post has all of a sudden turned in a direction I wasn't planning on going...

My point being, I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I have no purpose and I want one. I want to be completely passionate about something. Which got me to thinking that I need to create a list of things I want to do before I die. I think that maybe if I create this list, it will inspire me to get off my butt and go do some of these things, and maybe from there I'll find something to be passionate about. I'll find something to feel a purpose. Now I don't want anyone out there to think I'm depressed, which fine maybe I am slightly (but who wouldn't be after a break-up, especially when the ex just disappears with no warning whatsoever). But I really am trying to focus on my job, my friends, my family, and getting back into the dating scene. And I really am doing better. I can actually even have days when I think of the ex in neutral terms, days that I don't curse his name and fall apart into tears when I think of him. But I think I've digressed again...

Okay, so the infamous list, or at least what I have so far:
1.) Learn how to play golf
2.) Have children (whether biological or adopted, with a man or without)
3.) Invest wisely
4.) Write a book
5.) Take a hip-hop dance class
6.) Learn interior decorating
7.) Take an extended trip to Ireland
8.) Research my ancestors
9.) Learn how to speak fluent Italian
10.) Learn more about wine (like what makes one a good wine and another a mediocre wine, besides the price!)

I'm going to keep working on it. I've at least started some of these things, but I want to get back to them. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Dating in your 20's

I'm going to preface this post with the statement that if anyone is out there reading, this may be the blog to comment on. Mostly because I think I need some new ideas... do I have your interest?

Okay, so here's my question: When dating in you're late 20's, where do you meet good single men to date? In highs school and college it was easy... you have classes with guys and, in some cases, live right next to guys. But as I get older, the harder it is to find guys to date.

Here are my problems with the typical ways to meet guys. Not that I'm too keen on office romances (I mean if it doesn't work out you still have to work with each other), but I work at a pediatrician's office. This means that literally the only two guys who I work with are doctors who are married with kids. Plus, even if a male nurse or medical assistant worked here, one of the pediatricians is my mom, so that would just be awkward. Now I do meet other guys at work... but they tend to be fathers of patients, which means they are likely to be married. Plus, I'm not crazy about dating a guy with kids in the first place (although there are exceptions to every rule). We do sometimes have drug reps bring us lunches and stuff, but the majority of them are also married. I think only one is single, and I have only seen him around once so that's not likely to go anywhere.

I've also been trying the online thing with eharmony. Now this is how I met the ex last year, so I had hopes again when I got back on it this year. But so far, no catches. I've gone out with a couple with no sparks. I've emailed back and forth with a few others and it never comes to anything. So I think that before my subscriptions gets automatically renewed next week, I'm gonna cancel my account. I might try it again in the future, but the past three months hasn't done much for me, so why pay again?

I think it's awkward to be set up with friends of friends, or friends of friends boyfriends (whew that sounded a little crazy!), because if it doesn't work out, it might make it difficult for the friend in the middle. I don't know if that made sense... regardless, I don't have too many friends here in town anyway for them to set me up with guys in the first place. My brother has a lot of friends, but they're all married or in serious relationships. And again, that could make things awkward for my brother if I dated one of his friends and it didn't work out.

I'm trying to join more groups and things to generally just meet other people. I have joined a book club, although haven't been to a meeting yet, but I didn't join that to meet guys. I'm also trying to find ways to be more involved in my sorority as an alum, but again that would be all girls. I've thought about going back to church, but I'm not real religious and getting up at like 9 on Sunday after usually being out late drinking the night before does not appeal to me. I don't think I'd make a good impression at any church the next day if I did that.

I guess I'm just looking for other suggestions to meet guys. If anyone has any, I'd appreciate it.

Living in the moment

When reading chickbug yesterday, there was a post about engagements and how we, as women, these days want it all right away. I think there's something to be said about this. And I'm not just talking about love life (although, who am I kidding, I'm mostly talking about my love life). I feel like a lot of the time I spend daydreaming about and planning for the future or examining my past to see where I've made mistakes. I realized that I feel like I very rarely live in the moment. That's awful! Life won't be remembered by all the mistakes you've made in the past or how well you planned for the future. It will be about the little things, the daily life, the way you spent your life in the moment. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going out with my friends, spending time with my family, and playing with my dog. But I think I need to start embracing life more.

This also fits for my relationships. Looking back on things, I think that when I'm in a relationship, I'm always thinking to myself "where's this going? can I spend the rest of my life with him? what does he mean when he says (fill in the blank)? does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? is this going where I want it to or am I wasting my time?" Basically I spend all my time in a relationship thinking about how it relates to my future. Then, when the relationship inevitably ends for whatever reason (usually because I pick the wrong guys, but I'm not placing blame here!), I spend my days wondering how it all went bad and what I could have done differently to prevent the break-up. I live in the sadness and remembering all the good times he and I had together and thinking about how those times will never happen again. And yet, when those times were actually happening, I'm not sure I fully enjoyed them because I was too worried about the future.

Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with planning for the future. I think it's something that needs to be done. You don't want to wake up one day to find yourself retired with no money left to afford anything, so some planning for the future is great and necessary. And I'm also not saying that examining the past is all bad. I've learned a lot from my past relationships and, although my most previous ex may say differently, I have mellowed out a lot when it comes to relationships. And this mellowing process has come from examining the past and making changes where I saw fit. I think I just need to find the perfect balance of examining the past and planning the future to allow for more living in the moment.

crabby

I am so crabby right now. I guess more sad than crabby, but I don't like admitting it when I'm sad, so we'll go with crabby. And of course it's all about stupid boys, which I also don't like admitting.

So the guy I went on a date with last week hasn't called. I even called him last night, left a message, and he hasn't called back. And yeah, he moved Thursday, was away all weekend, and is leaving to go away again tomorrow, so maybe he's just been busy. But how long does it take to call someone back and say "hey I got your message. I'm gonna be too busy before I go out of town to get together but let's plan on hanging out when I get back." Or even, "hey I got your message. I had a good time the other night but I just don't think things are going to work out cuz I'm too busy (or whatever the reason)." Seems to me that would only take a couple minutes. And I'm confused about it since he apparently told his friend, who's dating my friend, that he had a good time with me, liked me, and was going to call me. So I don't understand what happened.

Quite honestly, it's not about him. It's still about the ex. It was just nice to have a week or so where I had someone else to think about, anticipate his phone calls instead of the ex's, think about a future without my ex without freaking out. I know this guy would probably just have been a rebound, since I'm sure I'm not ready for anything serious so soon after the ex. But with this guy, it was the first time after the ex, amongst all the guys I've flirted with or kissed since him, that I actually enjoyed another guy's company. The first time that I wanted it to possibly develop. The first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be possible to move on. And now I'm feeling back to square one, or maybe even worse. You know? Now I feel like I'm never going to find anyone else, because anyone I like apparently doesn't like me.

It just sucks. So I'm crabby.

And they say we're confusing?

First and foremost, I would like to thank chickbug for linking to me in a recent post! So to any new readers that I may now have out there, hello and welcome!

Okay having said that, I think this post will actually not be about me as much as my friend at work. She's the one who's dating the guy who introduced me to the guy I went out with last week. Last I talked to her before today, everything was great with them. So imagine my confusion when I get on myspace last night only to discover I have a message from her dude. The message was basically "Why do women act they way they do? I'm confused and frustrated." I checked out his profile to notice that he had changed his status back from "in a relationship" to "single." Of course I assume something happened.

I get to work today and make a beeline to find her, wanting the scoop. Unfortunately, she didn't have a scoop to give me. She was confused about the message he had sent me and explained that they had gone out Saturday, everything was fine, they talked earlier in the day Sunday, and then they were talking aroun 1 in the afternoon and he said he was at the store and would call her back. He never called back. So what could she have possible done in that amount of time that would leave him vonfused and frustrated? And, for the record, why would he bring me in it at all? I mean, I didn't rush and send him a message after I went out with his friend to find out what was said... I don't get it. Neither does my friend. And, unfortunately for him, she had been thinking about moving up the date of sex... instead of 3 months of getting to know each other before doing the deed, she was thinking 3 weeks was kinda good enough.

I think men are more confusing than women for sure... not that I'm biased at all.

New horizon?

Well here it is, a week since I last posted. I was so good about posting everyday (through the work week at least) at the beginning... and that was only a month ago. Maybe I'm not cut out for the blogging. Or maybe I just don't have enough going on in my life to blog about (do you get a sense of the unsatisfied life?)

Anyway, I had a date last night. It went really well and I liked the guy, which of course means it will go nowhere. In fact, I'll probably never hear from him again. He's this guy I met through a friend at work's boyfriend-type guy. Did that make sense? I think it did so I won't clarify. Anyway, my friend's boyfriend-type guy came out with us last weekend, and then invited this friend of his out. And so after hanging out with him that night, flirting a little, hand-holding, etc., this guy was apparently "too shy" to ask for my number. He hadn't been shy AT ALL all night, but when it comes to that he is?! So his friend told me that this guy wanted it and so we did exchange numbers. Fast-forward three days, and I still haven't heard from him and decide to just screw convention (and the idea that if he wants to talk to me, he'll call me) and call him myself. Voicemail... so I leave a message. And he does call back about 30 minutes later and we decide to do dinner last night.

We went and had sushi, which I love so I was quite excited about it. And it went well. Lots of good conversation, laughing, generally just a good time. And so we go back to my place and hang out for a little bit... and make out. And, holy-mother, he is a GREAT kisser. He wanted more, but not on the first date. And, in fact, my friend at work and I have implemented a new 3-month rule... meaning no sex for 3 months. It's a good rule for both of us, since we haven't always been perfect angels about that kind of thing. ANyway, I always find it hard to figure out if the guy had a good time or not on dates. I mean, was he just hoping for sex and so he appeared to have a good time at dinner hoping for that? Or will he actually call now knowing that he didn't get any the first date. I'm hoping he will. Problem being, he is really busy. He's moving to a new apartment today, tomorrow he is leaving to go to his dad's for the weekend, and then next Wednesday he's going to Florida for a few days. So that leaves next Monday or Tuesday. And I'm assuming he won't call all weekend, being at his dad's and all, and so my plan is to wait until Monday, and if I haven't heard from him by then, I'll call him and see if he wants to get together Tuesday night. But after that I may leave it up to him to put the effort in. I realize he's busy, his job's busy time of year is summer, but still he should put some of the effort in or else I will feel like I'm forcing myself on him.

And maybe I'm just overanalyzing it all, once again. Oh and for all those of you who are wondering, no still no word from the ex. That makes it 4 weeks this weekend since I've seen him and almost 3 since I've heard from him at all. From now on, let's just say that unless I post otherwise, no word from the ex. I'm even starting to feel okay with it some days, although I wish we had at least had closure. Oh well... time heals all.

Sick in the summer

It is my firm belief that no one should have to deal with having a cold during the summer. And yet, I woke up Tuesday to just that. Sore throat, stuffy nose, head feeling like it got run over by a truck. I was miserable. I actually had a patient to see at work, luckily timed for first thing in the morning, so I had to go in for a bit at least. I ended up staying for the morning, since I didn't get done with them until about 11:15 and then went home. I was particularly annoyed with this event because I was supposed to go downtown with my friends Tuesday night to watch fireworks. That didn't happen.

I woke up yesterday feeling a little better... throat still hurt and nose was still stuffy, but the sinus pressure and headache were mostly gone. This meant that I could at least get on with my 4th of July festivities. I ended up drinking my cold away, or at least drinking until it didn't bother me as much. I spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law and some of their friends roaming around our hometown drinking at various locations - first their house, then my parent's house, then a bar, then one of my brother's friend's houses, then back to the bar, a brief pause in drinking for the fireworks, and then back to the bar one more time to finish out the night. Now was drinking all day the best thing to do for my cold? Probably not. I should have been home resting and drinking things like warm tea. But it was fun nonetheless. Plus I ran into a group of guys I graduated with and hung out with them for quite a while. One was my ex (not the aforementioned one I blog about all the time, but a guy I dated in high school), one was a guy I had a huge crush on for several years, and the others were all cute as well, so I had quite a good time. The one I had a crush on ended up taking me back to my parent's house to get my car, we exchanged numbers and decided to get together sometime, and kissed a couple times. Now, I'm not saying anything will happen with that, but it was a nice distraction. And he did send me a text when he got home making sure I got home safely. So that was nice. I hope I didn't give him my cold...

One week down

Well its been about a week since I last wrote, so I apologize to all you ghosts out there who are reading my blog and wondering about my life...

Last I wrote I had sent the ex an email to see about getting together an talking sometime. I got a response basically saying, although not in so many words, that he was going to be too busy last week to see me but that he was glad I wasn't mad anymore. So I wrote back and kind of let him have it. I explained that I had wanted to say all this in person, but didn't know when I'd actually see him at this point. I told him that it made me feel like he just likes me for sex if he doesn't want me around at all when he's out with his friends. I told him that I missed out on doing something I wanted to do because none of my other friends wanted to do it and he didn't want me there. I told him that I didn't know where the boundaries were with each other since he said we were casually dating, calls me his girlfriend sometimes, acts like I'm his girlfriend when we're together, but then sometimes acts like I'm suffocating him. After I sent the email, I felt guilty, so I wrote him again later saying to ignore me and I felt like he probably thought I was being a stupid girl, he was probably pissed at me, and that I probably had gone and ruined everything with him. He finally wrote back to that saying that I wasn't being a stupid girl, I just needed to relax and try to think about other things, he wasn't mad, everything was fine, and he'd "type to me later" (which was a normal sign off for him in an email). That was last Monday. I haven't had any contact with him since then.

I am doing my best to leave him alone and not force the issue. And so far it's working since I haven't called him, emailed him, texted him, nothing, even when intoxicated. But I'm also not getting any sleep. I cry about the situation daily. I wake up each day thinking "maybe today will be the day I hear from him" and when I don't, it hurts that much more. I am trying to go about my life... going out with friends, doing stuff around the house, making out with other guys (thats what happened instead of me calling the ex while intoxicated, not that I'm proud of that, and really it was only one guy). And I know this is a normal part of the grieving process for the relationship. i think about happy times we had together and can't believe that we won't be doing those things again. I think about how if he isn't with me, then he's probably found someone else. I mean it's been over 2 weeks since we last saw each other... that doesn't sound like a long time, and it really isn't, but we would always get together at least once a week to hang out and have sex. So if he isn't getting that from me for the past couple weeks, is it just that he's choosing not to get any at all or that he's found someone else.

My friends say that I should just walk away, kick him to the curb, cut him off. And I do know thats what I should do. And I'm trying. But I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I can't picture anyone better suited for me. It's going to be a long process. One week down, a million to go...

I hate dating

I had a date last night. I'm doing the eHarmony thing (which coincidentally is where I met my ex the first time I tried it), and have been out with two different guys now from it. See I really am trying to move on past my ex. Problem being that I haven't like either guy. The first one was funny and we got along, but I didn't find him attractive at all. The guy last night was cuter, but I just found him to be a little too dorky and the conversation just really wasn't there. Plus, even though I found him cuter, I still couldn't ever picture myself kissing him, let alone anything else.

It seems like I really only meet two types of guys. Dorks, who I'm not attracted to but who would probably treat me well. And cocky guys, who I'm attracted to but probably would end up being jerks or only in it for the sex. I think thats why I loved (and still love) my ex. He had the right balance between dork and cocky. He was cute, but not so hot that I would worry that every girl at the bar would hit on him if he went out with his friends (although I'm sure he got some level of girls hitting on him). He was funny, nice, talkative. We got along from the instant I met him, and there was definitely attraction there. Plus he is a little on the dorkier side, in that he likes watching things about history and nature on television. Thats not all he watches, but you get my point. He was the perfect blend. And the more I go out with guys who I don't end up liking, the more it reminds me of how good he was. It honestly makes me think that he really is the one for me, and if he isn't the one for me, maybe there isn't one for me at all.

Slap on the wrist

I'm giving myself a slap on the wrist right now, because I gave in to temptation a bit a few minutes ago. I was going back and forth about do I ignore my ex and let him come to me, or do I send him an email? I wanted to try really hard to ignore him and wait and see how long it took for him to contact me, but I gave in. I sent him an email basically saying that I had been mad but probably not for the reasons he thought and that Iw as mostly over it by now but still wanted to talk about it at some point so he knew where I was coming from. I also said that I was trying to give him some space right now which is why he hadn't heard from me and probably would hear less of me for a while (God-willing!) so that it would be up to him if he wanted to see me. I did try to make the email light-hearted by throwing in a joke or two, but I think it got my point across. I just hope it gets through to him and I get a response. I gave in because I knew it would drive me up a wall to just wait it out... I needed to take some sort of action. Plus I can already feel myself slipping away from the resolve of telling him I can't do this casual dating thing anymore. I want to tell him that, but the longer it is before hearing from him, the easier it is for me to forgive him because I'm not as mad anymore. And so maybe that shows how I really feel about it... that I want to work things out with him no matter what. But I do know that I deserve better and to be with someone who generally wants me around and doesn't make me feel like a slut. And right now I feel like, given the choice, he would rather only I be around when he wants to have sex, which does make me feel like a slut. Anyway, we'll see if he's at least decent enough to write back. And, even better, make plans to see me sometime so that we can talk about it and move on.

crazy weekend

So I never really did get to the festival I wanted to go to with my ex this weekend. I mean, I went out with a couple friends and we went there to see another friend, but then left after about 20 minutes cuz it really wasn't their scene. I figure I can use that to make my ex feel guilty... not that I think it will work, but in a perfect world...

Anyway, my friends and I did have a lot of fun. We went to a local bar that had a DJ spinning and danced the night away. We met some Canadian suits who kept feeding us drinks, which kept our individual bar tabs pretty low. It was a good night, and we all made it home in one piece. Although we were feeling it the next day... we all took naps and didn't even shower until we had to get ready to go out that night. We basically did a repeat of Friday night, except at a different bar and minus the suits. This other bar was full of some crazy people... and so we of course made fun of most of them the whole night. Not in a mean way, just for our own amusement. Trust me, you all would have done the same.

So basically it was a very unproductive weekend. I tried to be productive today and go to the grocery store. I made a list, planned out dinner for the rest of the week, drove over there, and got all my groceries in my basket. It was at that point, when I was standing in line for about 5 minutes that the store made an announcement that they were having technical difficulties at the registers and we would be experiencing significant delays. Okay, so I decided to wait it out. About 5 minutes later they came around saying they could only accept cash or check right now and it could be an hour or more before they could take credit or debit, which of course is all I had. So thats when I left.

Still haven't had any contact with the ex. The more I think about it, the more I know I need to talk to him about how I feel. Problem being that means I have to talk to him, and I don't want to be the one to contact him. I keep hoping he'll realize I'm mad and call me to apologize or at least talk to me. Or even if he doesn't realize I'm mad, maybe he'll call or email just to say hi, since we're allegedly casually dating. I just hope that I have the strength to talk to him about it, whether I hear from him or whether I contact him.

A little more calm

I think I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday when all I could do was bitch about my ex. Trust me, I was still pissed at him today, but I think I'm a little more calm than I was earlier. I wanted so bad to send him an email today and tell him why I'm pissed. Explain to him that it makes me feel like he doesn't consider me to be a friend, but rather just some chick he's banging. I opted not to though. Partly because I don't think it would do any good, and actually think it might hurt whatever we have even more than it is at this point. And the other part of me decided it would just make more sense to leave him alone. It's up to him at this point to decide where to go from here.

I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I honestly thought that's where the relationship was going. But I need him to respect me more if that's going to happen. I deserve better than just being his booty call while he's figuring things out. And even moreso, I need to respect myself enough more and put an end to it now. If and when he decides to call me and see me again, then I will hopefully be strong enough to tell him that. Explain to him that I do want to be with him, but I can't do it this way. He needs to make a choice to either be with me, just be friends with no sex, or else we'll both go our separate ways. And if he wants to try again in the future, it will be up to him to make that choice and let me know. Maybe I'll be willing to as well, and maybe I'll have already moved on. Either way, right now I need to concentrate on myself and not allow this to affect me anymore. God I say this with such conviction here. Promise not to be mad if it doesn't go down exactly that way in real life...

Shove it

I am so pissed right now at my stupid aforementioned ex. You know, the one I'm still sleeping with because we are "casually dating?" Well last weekend we made plans to go out this coming weekend to a festival in town. It's a pretty big deal around here, and I said to him "Can we do like we did last year where you went with your friends one night and the I joined you guys the other night?" And he readily agreed and said it sounded like a good idea. So I send him an email about it today trying to make plans for it and he replies with "Sorry I misled you. We were drunk when we talked about it and I have friends coming in from out of town and wanted to just hang out with them. Plus I've seen you a lot lately, so I need some me time." (Okay those weren't his exact words, but that was the general gist of it).

Okay, first of all, if he plans on spending all weekend with his friends that he doesn't see very often, he's not really getting any "me time", right? Secondly, its not like if I'm there he won't be able to spend time with these friends from out of town. After all, all his other friends from here in town will also be there, and he's not telling them that their presence will detract from him spending time with the out-of-towners. Thirdly, it makes me feel like we're "casually dating" at his discretion. Whenever he doesn't want me around, he just tells me that he's just going to spend time with his friends. Even if he and I have already previously made (albeit drunken) plans. And it makes me think that the reason he doesn't want me around at all is so he can find some other chick... why else would he turn down the option of getting laid at least once this weekend? Plus, when we first started dating (and I mean second date, before I even considered him my boyfriend) he brought me around his friends all the time. Now, he never invites me to go along when he's going out with his friends. The only time I ever see any of his friends are if they come over to his pool when I'm there. I feel like he's hiding me or ashamed of me or something. And all I really want to do right now is tell him off. But at the same time, I need to be ready to handle whatever consequences that might bring, including the possibility that he might decide we shouldn't see each other at all anymore, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. If I tell him that yeah, I'm pissed about this, then he'll be pissed at me for not understanding and demanding too much of his time. So instead I think I'm just going to do my best to forget all about him. I'm not going to call, text, email, or anything... and then maybe by the time he gets around to calling me, I'll have moved on and be able to tell him to shove it.

Restless

Restless! Maybe that's the word I was trying to think of when I created this blog. I may be somewhat unsatisfied at certain parts of my life, but I think a better description for it is that I'm restless. I want great things to come from my life. I want to do great things. I want to have a family, a job I love, and a life where I'm content with (just about) everything. Until I get there, I love my current life... I'm just restless waiting for the other things to fall into place.

I was very productive today... working from home, looked through a new cookbook to get some new ideas for my diet, cleaned my kitchen, did some work on this interior design course I'm taking. I am very happy and proud of everything I've accomplished today, but as I sat down to watch some television, I still felt that feeling of being unsatisfied. Maybe I was just bored because there really wasn't anything to watch on television. Then I watched a rerun of Sex and the City and it all became clear. I'm not unsatisfied. I have a great life - a great family who loves me, a nice home, a job (albeit one I don't LOVE, but it pays me every two weeks at least), and I'm having sex on a regular basis. I mean, really. With all that, I can't be unsatisfied. I'm just restless. I can't wait for bigger and better things to come to my life. And I'll make them happen. I'm restless, but I won't always be.

Working from home

So this afternoon I decided to work from home instead of sitting around the office. I'm able to do this since, for all intents and purposes (is that right? I always thought it was a different saying, or maybe I still am wrong...) my mom is my boss. She completely understands that I can do work from home just as easily as at the office, as long as I have no patients to see. I have no patients all week. Anyway, you know how some people say they are going to "work from home" and really mean, "I'm going home and might look at some work, but mostly I'm going to do other things"? Well I actually think I get more done, and faster, when I work at home. When Ihave nothing to do at the office, I'll do a little work, I'll play some games, I'll go bother my mom, do a little more work... you get the drift. Well, at home, I knocked out a lecture in an hour. That's the same amount of work I would have gotten done if I had stayed at work all day. Plus, I got to do it while sitting on my couch, wearing more comfortable clothes, and sporadically playing with my dog as well. This is the kind of day at work (or not) I don't mind. See, not completely unsatisfied! Short post today... might write more later. We'll see.

401k

Sorry for having taken the weeked off from blogging. (I am aware that I am apologizing to no one really since no one reads my blog yet... maybe one day?) Anyway, I promise the lack of writing was not because I had nothing to write about since I'm done complaining about being unsatisfied. Well maybe that was part of it, since I'm not really sure where to go from here. But mostly I was just busy this weekend. Saturday was a friend's 30th brithday, so a night out on the town was to be had. So of course, during the day I had to relax to gear up for the big night (after running my obligatory 2 miles first thing in the morning). Sunday was spent laying around with the previously mentioned ex-boyfriend and some of his friends and his pool. All in all it was a very nice weekend.

Today I did something that makes me feel very grown-up. I got out my 401k information from my place of employment and enrolled. I am now proudly an investor! Granted, I took the easy way out with this, so please don't think that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to finances. I enrolled in the company plan set up for those of us set to retire in or around 2045. (2045?! Good lord, that seems forever away. Am I really going to have to work for that long? Sadly, yes.) Regardless, enrolling in this plan means I didn't have to pick out which stocks and funds looked good, which was excellent. If I would have had to do this, it probably would have meant not being signed up for the 401k for much longer. I've invested the right amount of my paycheck for my company to match fully, so I should be getting free money from them! I guess what makes me most proud of this is a couple of things. First, I did it all on my own with no help from my parents or anyone, which is quite the feat when it comes to making decisions for me. I'm not one who decides ANYTHING easily. Secondly, it seems so mature of me to partake in such things as a 401k. It means I am looking towards the future and realizing that I have to make sure I can depend on myself for future finances.

This move has made me feel very satisfied for the day. Now if only I didn't have to run this evening...